Women with ADHD and Relationships
Dr.
Hallowell, child and adult psychiatrist on the faculty of the Harvard Medical
School, is widely regarded as a leading authority on the subject of Attention
Deficit Disorder
TIPS ON ADD IN COUPLES
by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D.
In couples the symptoms of
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) can be particularly vexing. The distractibility,
impulsivity, and excess energy associated with the syndrome can perturb intimate
relationships in ways that leave each partner
exhausted, angry, hurt, and
misunderstood. This is doubly unfortunate because two people suffer. However,
if the situation can be subtly regulated, the ADD couple can find satisfaction
commensurate with the high energy the couple usually possesses.
The following guidelines or
"tips" might be helpful in settling the chaos that is so
often present in the ADD
relationship and moving on towards a satisfying
mutual relationship of love
and understanding.
1. Make sure you have an accurate
diagnosis. There are many things that look
like ADD, from too much coffee
to anxiety states to dissociative disorders to
hyperthyroidism. Before embarking
on a treatment of ADD consult with your
physician to make sure what
you have is really ADD and not something else.
2. Once you are sure of the
diagnosis, learn as much as you can about ADD.
There is an increasing body
of literature out on the topic. The more you and
your mate know, the better
you will be able to help each other. The first step in
the treatment of ADD--whether
it be in a couple or elsewhere--is education.
3. Declare a truce. After
you have made the diagnosis and have done some
reading, take a deep breath
and wave the white flag. You both need some
breathing space to begin
to get your relationship on new footing.
4. Set up a time for talking.
You will need some time to talk to each other about
ADD--what it is, how it affects
your relationship, what each of you wants to do
about it, what feelings you
have about it. Don't do this on the run, i.e., during TV
commercials, while drying
dishes, in between telephone calls, etc. Set up
some time. Reserve it for
yourselves.
5. Spill the beans. Tell each
other what is on your mind. ADD shows up in
different ways in different
couples. Tell each other how it is showing up between
you. Tell each other just
how you are being driven crazy, what you like, what
you want to change, what
you want to preserve. Get it all out on the table. Try
not to react until all the
beans have been spilled.
6. Write down your complaints
and your commendations. It is good to have it in
writing what you want to
change and what you want to preserve. Otherwise
you'll forget.
7. Make a treatment plan.
Brainstorm with each other as to how to reach your
goals. You may want
some professional help with this phase, but it is a good
idea to try starting it on
your own.
8. Add structure to your relationship.
9. Lists.
10. Bulletin boards.
11. Notepads in strategic places like by bed, in car, in bathroom and kitchen.
12. Write down what you want
the other person to do and give it to him in the
form of a list every day.
13. Keep a master appointment
book for both of you. Make sure each of you
checks it every day.
14. Avoid the pattern of mess-maker
and cleaner-upper. You don't want the
non-ADD partner to "enable" the ADD partner. Rather set up strategies to break
this pattern..
15. Avoid the pattern of pesterer
and tuner-outer. You don't want the non-ADD
partner to be forever nagging
and kvetching at the ADD partner to pay attention,
get his act together, come
out from behind the newspaper, etc.
16. Avoid the pattern of the
victim and the victimizer. You don't want the ADD
partner to present himself
as a helpless victim left at the merciless hands of the
all-controlling non-ADD mate.
17. Avoid the pattern of master
and slave. Akin to #16. However, in a funny way
it can often be the non-ADD
partner who feels like the slave to her or his mate's
ADD.
18. Avoid the pattern of sado-masochistic
struggle as a routine way of
interacting. Prior to diagnosis
and intervention, many ADD couples spent most
of their time attacking and
counter-attacking each other. The idea is to try to
get past that and into the
realm of problem solving. What you have to beware of
is the covert pleasure that
can be found in the struggle.
19. In general, watch out
for the dynamics of control, dominance and
submission, that lurk in
the background of most relationships, let alone ADD
relationships. Try to get
as clear on this as possible, so that you can work
toward cooperation, rather
than competitive- struggle.
20. Break the tapes of negativity.
Many ADD couples have Iong ago taken on a
resigned attitude of the
there's-no-hope-for-us.
21. Use praise freely. Encouragement, too. Begin to play positive tapes.
22. Learn about mood
management. Anticipation is a great way to help
anyone, and especially someone
with ADD, deal with the highs and lows that
come along.
23. Let the one who
is better organized take on the job of organization.
However, this job must then
be adequately appreciated, noticed, and
compensated.
24. Make time for each
other. If the only way you can do this is by scheduling
it, then schedule it.
This is imperative! Clean communication, the expression
of affection, the taking
up of problems, playing together and having fun--all these
ingredients of a good relationship
cannot occur unless you spend time
together.
23. Don't use ADD as
an excuse. Each member of the couple has to take
responsibility for his or
her actions. Don't blame it on ADD. On the other hand,
while one mustn't use ADD
as an excuse, knowledge of the syndrome can add
immeasurably to the understanding
one brings to the relationship.
This educational material is
made available, courtesy of the authors and ADDult Support of Washington
for Adults with ADD, a non-profit organization based in Tacoma, whose purpose
is to educate adults and the professionals who treat them about Attention
Deficit Disorder. We have numerous materials as well as a quarterly newsletter
for sale. Our address is: ASW, PO Box 7804, Tacoma, WA. 98407-0804. Msg. Tel. 253-759-5085, e-mail:mailto:addult@addult.org and web site: www.ADDult.org."
Each
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and we therefore recommend them to you.This month's top 10 are below
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