Posted: 10 November 2009 at 6:01am | IP Logged

Junekk, everytime I read about someone else's husband acting like an immature jerk at his family's expense, I can feel myself getting tense-like a kind of post traumatic stress response- then I get damn angry.  I think I'm angry all the time these days.  And the gifts and flowers thing... how many of us pride ourselves on being low-maintenance kind of women?  Thank you for speaking out about that.  And this idea that the guy is spending his time doing what he considers to be the "right thing" is most apt.  Whether it be working too many hours, engaging in risking money-making schemes, then rewarding himself for working so hard by spending hours in front of the tv or being with the guys, fishing, hunting, etc. it's the Right Thing and they'll defend it completely and make no apologies for it.

I want to respond to your question on type of ADD when I have time, but I'm glad you raised it.  I think I've had the misfortune of being married to both of the types of men...      

Posted: 10 November 2009 at 7:30am | IP Logged

Hi M and T (and all),

Yes, acting like a jerk seems to be a prevaililng theme, doesn't it? It makes me wonder why they don't include this in the DSM list of criteria for diagnosing the disorder!

And yet, as has been mentioned before, I can not help but feel sad for my husband who is prone to being overwhelmed and unable to cope.  Do I get this is the case of what happened that night when he pulled a no-show. Sure, but of course, that doesnt make it right, (but it is something that I HAVE to consider).  At the same time, in this weird paradox- he presents really well to his work peers- which we discussed (believe it or not).  There is not as much emotional commitment and consequences when dealing with others- if it gets too intense, then he can walk away, or blame them or both.  Much like the scenarios, I would guess, when you ladies talk about other women... (fortunately, that has not been an issue at my house- in the past, the few times I've seen him "checking"out other women, it was because they were driving a really cool CAR that he was interested in!).  Perhaps the biggest "compliment" (and yes, I mean that ironically) is that we are the brunt of all the ADHD fury because we are the ones to which there is the most commitment.  Boy, that does S*CK!

In any case, I find that being in this relationship is like having ADHD myself.  I go from an okay level place (when he is acting okay, then again, not where I'd want it to be), to a really low low- when he is acting full out irrational and unbearable.  The meds have helped, but he doesn't like the side effects of feeling like he is on speed all the time, the heart palpitations, etc. and I can't blame him.  He may need to switch, but I can say it has been nice to at least have an opportunity to talk to him without falling asleep or walking out of the room midsentence (and now I can actually hear some of the wacky things he has been thinking).  There have been some good conversations that have not ended in yelling, which I can only think is a good thing and perhaps a reflection of the  combination between meds and therapy (for both of us, individually).

The inattentive adhd type is not impulsive at all, it is more like dealing with someone in their own world.  Hello?  Hello??!  I am more often than not, alone, particularly when I am stressed, sad, need support, etc., but in his mind it is often that he is "giving me space", not to be differentiated when he is outside doing work, or in some other area of the house, giving me space for other reasons...

I've also heard that as adults, people learn to hide alot of the impulsivity in front of other people so the inattentive stuff comes out more, but I don't know...

T, the Harry Potter link is funny!  Not my husband, but I know I have definitely seen this behavior in some children with ADHD I know...

I also  read the book you mentioned about by John Elder Robison (Look Me In the Eye).  It was awesome.  I was really bummed after the no-show day and went to Barnes & Noble and happened to see it there. 

Posted: 10 November 2009 at 8:23am | IP Logged

Hey all, I realize I probably sound like an unforgiving b*tch these days but things are coming to a head around here with the dog issue and I'm really scared I'm going to lose the battle.  As to the question about ADD types, first let me say that I believe my ex was ADD even though I don't know for sure.  My daughter says that her father has gotten "help" and I can say we have a pretty good relationship right now, so I'm happy for him.  As for my second husband, who has been diagnosed but had virtually no treatment, on the surface he seemed like a different person altogether from the first guy, but after living with him I can see that underneath there are similarities.  Adding to my observations is the combitnation of 5 children between us: my 3 and my husband's 2, and the hereditary aspect of ADD. 

Allowing for differences in personality and ages, I can say that it's astonishing how much my daughter, my 2nd husband and his daughter are alike in behavior.  That is, I see this inability to detatch from their environment, perhaps in response to stimulation.  They are the wild and crazy type, life of the party, impulsive in good ways (get it done right away) and bad ways (oh no, why did I do that), and they are totally exhausting.  They express displeasure, or anything else, with gusto.  They are charismatic and draw people to them, but also can put people off with the inability to control what comes out of their mouths- sometimes it's funny, sometimes is hurtful.

On the other hand, I see distinct similarities between my ex, our son, and my other step-daughter.  That is, a tendancy to detatch from the environment too much, also perhaps in response to stimuation.  They're quiet and plodding, and despite knowing what's expected of them with school and having great ability,etc. can't seem to get it together without tons of structure, and they don't seem to respond to incentives. They can be exasperating for their lack of awareness, but for the most part are sweet and mild-mannered.  My ex entered the military maybe in response to this need for intense structure, and has done well.  But he always seemed to operate on the notion that he was being excluded socially, despite having what I considered to be sharp wit and good looks, and this made him ugly and vindictive at times.  The 2 kids which resemble him also have qualities that can make them popular and admired, but they almost resist becoming too much the center of attention.  I think if they feel upset about something, they keep it inside.  Again, they are very good at detatching from the environment.

I left out my youngest daughter.  All I can say about her is that she is like having your own personal circus.  If I can't find a way to channel all that delight, we're in big trouble.

The thing I want to point out about the two adults with ADD, though having dissimilar outward appearances, is their perception that life is a constant battle for control, thru passive means or otherwise.  It's not hard to guess why this happens, but in my opinion, this is the most desctructive outgrowth of ADD.  Maybe it's a guy thing, which is why I'm most worried for my son.  I don't know.  None of the kids have been diagnosed, and maybe I'm way off base about them.  I only know what I see, day in and day out.  Part of the reason I stay in this marriage is that if my husband finally decides he is willing to manage his ADD, they'll have courage to do the same.  Should I worry that I am like the wife of an alcoholic or drug addict... that I am an enabler of sorts?  It sure feels that ways sometimes.  I do wish there was more support like there is for families suffering from alcoholism and its destruction.  When you think of how much addiction, violence, or depression might be attributed to living with ADD, you realize what a desperate need there is for public support.