Posted: 07 November 2009 at 8:54am | IP Logged

I have ADHD and my way of handling finances sounds a lot like your husband.  In fact, my first husband (who most likely had undiagnosed ADHD) never kept to a budget, bought whatever he wanted and ran up credit card bills that I was constantly having to work to repay.  We constantly fought because I wanted to buy generic brands a lot of time with groceries and didn't feel the bigger tv or new car every couple of years was necessary etc. 

A lot of people are correct when they talk about the stingy behaviour being about control, and it is also somewhat of a coping skill I think.  In my particular case, I pick up pennies off the ground and save them and I will clip coupons and tell myself constantly that I don't need to buy something.  I'll put off buying the weirdest things because I think it is a waste of money.  I do sometimes forget to pay bills on time but worked out a system with online reminders that helps me a lot.  But I will have the random moments when I just go to the mall and buy $200 worth of clothes or shoes or makeup because it makes me feel better.  I never have done it where I couldn't really afford to though. 

So not all ADHD people have to spend money, but I think because of a lack of impulse control it is a common problem in most ADHD people.  My current husband is very alike fiscally to me but without the love for shoes.  He doesn't have ADHD.  Early in our relationship, when we first moved in together and became more serious, I would find myself often commenting on purchases he would make that I felt were wastes and frivolous, like a new computer game or new DVDs that I knew we would only watch once so I felt we should just rent instead of buy.  And clearly that isn't fun for either person to fight about money like that.  So we agreed to keep seperate accounts and then have a joint one that we paid bills from.  We also set a limit that any purchase we want to make over $500 dollars we had to talk to the other person about before making the purchase, but anything under that amount we were free to purchase without having to discuss with our spouse.   I know other couples have different limits set ranging from $100 to $1000 or more depending on your own situation. 

This takes away a lot of the emotional issues that I end up getting freaked out about with money.  I have complete control over my money in my account and I no longer have to keep track of my husband's money or budget.  We have also talked a lot about spending habits and our own beliefs, so I have been able to learn to trust that my husband isn't going to run out and throw away all our money on something truly stupid.  Which is why I'm so stingy - I have a deep rooted fear of not having enough money to support myself and of being poor or living on the streets etc. because my mother has ADHD along with other problems and she literally cannot hold onto money.  It is wasted on so many things and she isn't able to support herself and growing up, I lived in fear that we would end up on the street sometimes.  Perhaps your husband has seen first hand what being too free with your money can do and so he went the other way like I have. 

That doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to buy your daughters shoes if you can afford them without a big argument either.  But I think having some really honest and open conversations about your beliefs, your budget and finances, and how you two can compromise on some of these things will help him relax.  When someone is using an issue like this as a way to control, it is more often an attempt to control aspects of their lives that they are afraid of losing control of, rather than an attempt to control another person.  Reassurances that you aren't trying to cut that rope he is gripping tightly over the edge of a cliff, but rather help pull him up off the cliff can go a long way I think. 

I hope this helps you, and you can always feel free to write if you have other questions.  Everyone is different, and maybe your husband is doing it for other reasons but that is my best guess from my own experience.

~ADHDGirl

http://ijustlearnedihaveadhdnowwhat.blogspot.com/