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 Topic: I really need some help here...
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sadguy
Newbie
Joined: 09 September 2009
Posts: 2
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| Posted: 09 September 2009 at 8:39pm | IP Logged
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I'm coming to my wits end, and I know for sure my girlfriend is as well. I'm positive I have ADD. I've read alot about the symptoms, and exhibit just about all of them. When I was a child in elementary school, I was diagnosed with ADD, and was put on ritalin for it. I never really believed in ADD until I heard a radio ad regarding a medicinal study for CONCERTA where they described symptoms of ADD, to which I answered yes to every single one. I didn't get in the study, but it was a major stepping stone in realizing where many of the road blocks in my life have come from. Further more, after a fight today with my girlfriend, and her expressing how she feels that she is often having to "take care of me" as if I were a 27 year old child, I became distraught and proceeded to look online for any help I could find.
This brought me here, where I read some of the messages in the spouses of people with ADD section, and began to understand a bit about what she must be going through. I was here to search for information, but from the supportive way everyone here seems to help each other, I decided that it might do me some good to get some feedback.
As I type this, my girlfriend is laying in bed behind me watching tv, and practically ignoring me. I know she's mad. I don't want to upset her. I realize I have a problem that might be my ability to control alone, and I feel everyday I push her further away from me. I love her. I love her with all my heart, and I know beyond anything that this is the person I want to share my life with. And I'm afraid she will reach the breaking point before I can afford to try medication to help my problem. She get's so upset because it's the same argument every time. It's always about my failure to notice something of importance and act appropriately, or my severe procrastination, or that it seems I don't care about alot of stuff. When we get into fights, I initially feel that I have done nothing wrong. I fight with her, and occasionally say things I do not mean. After what can be hours of fighting in passive and non-passive ways, what she is saying gets through, I realize that I was in the wrong. By then, it's too late to apologize. She is so frustrated with me, she wont talk to me. Eventually things get better to an extent, then I screw up again.
I can't keep doing this to her, like I said, I love her. I need help. What can I do? what should I do? I don't have any money right now, as I've recently started my own business, and the income is just starting to come in. And getting the business going was another feat in and of itself. It's taken alot of mental conditioning to get where I am with it now, but I can't seem to figure out how to atleast condition myself to better my relationship.
-Sadguy
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integrtydispair
Senior Member
Joined: 09 July 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 211
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| Posted: 18 September 2009 at 7:11pm | IP Logged
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Hey sad,
sorry to c you have not been res ponded too lyet...
well here goes.
due to my adhd i have shor t attention span and limitied to short notes usually.
You seem to be adhd for sure with the not noticing for exmaple. Have you read dilivered from distraction yet? have you tired 12 step meeting as suggested there?
do you live in a big city? much easier to find help
there is often a mental health clinic that provides no or low cost counseling. it couldn't hurt.
best wishes and pleasse know that all those those who have read your post p robably haven't replied due to the painful subject. maybe. i don no.
Love to you,
your Borther in adhd
Hank
__________________
My biggest single help: 'Delivered From Distraction" by Hallowell,MD & Ratey,MD. Great perservence may be needed to find the right meds, if any, and other treatments.
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sadguy
Newbie
Joined: 09 September 2009
Posts: 2
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| Posted: 18 September 2009 at 9:43pm | IP Logged
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hey Hank,
Thanks for your kind words. I use to live in the city of Orlando (FL) the city of distraction, I'm not too far from there, but far enough to make it difficult right now to get out there.
I'm sorry if my post was painful, I just find it hard to be me sometimes. I don't like the fact that I have a very short attention span, or that I forget things. I feel like I have immense potential sometimes, but it's usually as if it's just barely out of grasp. It's frustrating. I've felt that way all my life. I do find some solace in the fact that I know what my issue is, as knowing is half the battle, and allows me to cope with it a little better.
I'll definitely try and check out that book you mentioned. I've already wrote it down. I really appreciate the response. It gives me some hope that I can make things better knowing that I'm not alone, that it isn't just me. That there are others coping with the same things. Gives me strength. :)
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ommas
Senior Member
Joined: 27 April 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 617
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| Posted: 23 September 2009 at 4:38am | IP Logged
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sadguy
for me i can be very attentive to my own needs and be out of sight out mind to my partners needs.
so i keep a journal compute type so i dont loose them
but in addition to weekly enries i also keep a journal for people that are important to me.
i keeep track of thier favorite things and important dates.
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hats half the battle
relationships have goals
lets buying a car, a house, or oher things that have to dne together.
thing is if when you reach a goal celebrate it.
talk about the oher persns contributions and how greatful you are for thier contributions.
many relationships jus jump from one goal to the next with out acknoloedgng anything or even starting on a nother goal when nearing compleion.
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the oher part for me --- im lazy
is routine without routine i wind up neglecting many tasks.
meds helped but i made a personal decision to stop .
so ive been trying very hard to seek
non-med coping skills
so i cant give advice on meds , but they can be very beneficial
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- get good sleep sleep deprivation magnifies adhd
- get organized
- keep a journal were you can make notes- where your mental notes fail let an organized journal refresh yu
- routine
- Creative Outlet - i love to learn things buti rarely learn things im not intrested in so i give myself to g wild on what i want just for me once per day
- then i follow my hour of (CO) that with making a list of what other peoples expectations of me are FOR THE DAY AND WEEK
- i pactice listening skills - i get into arguments with people because of my cognitive problems i hear what they say but i interpret it inaccurritly so learning to be a great listener help me tune out bad listing habits
- goal navigation - practice focusing on goals start to finish i spent ten years doing things for others and completing any of my own goals but once i got a routine and allotted myself worktime on my own goals a wonderful thing happened to me. i was able to help others reach thier goals with more focus on thier needs. my social life changed dramatically
goto go
good luck
also worring takes up valuable mental time. so i make a list of things i worry about a small listtaking only 5 minutes a day. i was suprised how i had more time t dwell on thing i need to focus on rather than worry about not forgeting
thats how my journaling came be as big of help to me as my meds
__________________
Humans are part of the large Universe that is tying to understand itself 
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girlfOfADHD
Newbie
Joined: 02 October 2009
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1
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| Posted: 02 October 2009 at 5:16pm | IP Logged
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ello to sad guy? (dont be a sad guy, your different, but who isn't, and anyone who isn't wants to be, so cheer up and change your id name, sounds like you hav lotsa luv & care in you so ultimately you wont be a sad guy whatever happens :-)
I'm a girlfriend of some one with ADHD, he's 42, and Ive been with him 7 years, have two lovely kids with him and been through 7 years of what I could call hell but my heart calls a roller coaster. I've only just found out that he has ADHD but relieved because I thought he had a personality disorder like a narsasist or BPD which made me think that possibly there is no compassion in him and not capable of understanding anything beyond his own turmoil (correct me if I speak in ignorance). But ADHD I can cope with and he might have aspergers but either way it's an on the surface behavior, expressive problem or difference which can be understood and when understood can be worked with and around. I've only just registered on this forum because this is my first attempt at finding some help connections, I found your posting first and felt compelled to reply when I saw you've had no other side response yet. When you love someone with ADHD it isn't the initial outburst, extreme response, disorientation, dislexia, breaking things, tantrum or they're inability to make the whole 'jigsaw fit' in that moment so to speak it's the aftermath that bears the burden. The sleepless nights, the worry of responsibility and hopelessness, the focus on that one person at dis harmony (in my case daily and for ever) that we love (and try to build our lives around) which has a debilitating knock on effect on every thing else in our life or day, which takes the toll (I have two toddlers of two and three yrs and struggling to be self employed because I don't trust what the mainstream conditioning has to offer myself and my family for our future). Any life is complex and mostly difficult for any of us of any background, crede colour, mental state or financial status and If you can lighten the load by frequent daily interludes of taking time to look at the whole picture from environment, economic, social, family and personal structure and issues of all of those close around you then the concerns and focus are directed away from you and your outward displays of 'on the cuff' difficulties of making sense of the world around you and you might feel closer to the deep concerns and feelings of yourself and those you love, let's face it we're all on the same planet and in the same boat regardless. I've found over the past 7 years that the main stress and difficulties havent been the main big serious difficulties that life has thrown at me and us (and there has been many biggies. too many and big to discuss) but every time in the hour of need the focus has been on how to cope with the difficulties he has in dealing with the problems and how best to guide through the chaos. Some times you feel you need to move through the chaos of life hand in hand with some one with equal effort not drag someone kicking and screaming in a ranting, blaming panic of extreme emotion. I love him dearly and we have two amazing , beautiful, complex children but we all have special needs and I wish that he took the time to focus on the needs of us all as a group and individuals rather than predominantly his own. By the way I would never suggest to my partner that he needs to be officially assessed for his condition because I know that that there is nothing the doctors can offer him that succeeds over his own ability to manage himself and I believe that there is no cure or ease they can give for anything better than the one we have the power to find for ourselves. All the best and I hope you both stand strong in life whatever (-: &nb sp;
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