Posted: 30 October 2009 at 8:14am | IP Logged

Ok, I'm not going to go into my childhood and tell every detail of how I came to be the way I am. I'll just try to sum it up the best way I can. First of off, I'm 31 years old, a full time student studying Graph. Design at Univ. of Maryland, and I'm currently in a 2 yr. relationship with my gf living in B'more.

The problem? I don't want to do anything. Nothing really excites me except sex, technology, and my number one source of crack...the internet. I can't get anything done because I HAVE TO get on the internet...it's the only thing that keeps my attention. Our house is a total chaotic mess because of my gf's work schedule (she works nights) and I'm at school during the day. I could clean when I get home from school, but I'd rather get on the internet instead, or do something else like drawing (I'm a cartoonist).

I have very low self esteem. I've never really had any confidence, and I'm always comparing myself to other people...mainly men. I don't feel as if I'm a grown man. My girlfriend is constantly saying I'm really a 19 year old in a 31 yo's body. I lived with my parents until I was 23...that's when I joined the army. I was in the military for 4 years, which included a tour in Iraq. While I was in the service I shy'd away from responsibility because I always thought I'd drop the ball if all eyes were on me. If a task was given to me, I would start wigging out....sweating, shaking, confusion...just so filled with anxiety.

I've been out of the Army for 4 years now, and I've been going to college ever since. I should have graduated now, but because of my "laziness", I've put things off, making it harder for me financially, and I've been a poor student (missing classes, going to class late, failing grades). Not to mention I wait till the very night before to complete a project. I don't know when's the last time I've completed a project in advance. I'm also ignoring my bills. I had some medical bills that Ignored that ended up screwing my perfect credit, which pissed my gf off.

All of this is putting stress on my gf. She is working full time in DC, and here I am, no job, not pulling my weight around the house, and always snapping at her when she tries to confront these issues...I'm always defensive. I'm not trying to get over on her, or take advantage, it just seems like I am my own worst enemy. If the both of us, or anyone else needs something done, I'm a great team player. But if it calls for me to put forth initiative and do it by myself, I will do nothing. I constantly feel like I'm an idiot/stupid who can't do anything right.. I don't think I have anything offer to this world, and sometimes I just feel like giving up by putting a gun to my head, or just walking out the door and becoming homeless just so I don't have to deal with reality.

I was seeing an ADHD therapist on campus, and I got diagnosed with the disorder. I was on vyvanse for 30mg's, and when I first took it I SAW THE LIGHT. But, after like 2 days it didn't do squat for me really. I just had all this energy, but I could not direct it in the right place. I just recall me directing all my attention on the net. I only had one prescription of that. I was told that maybe me being a 200 lb man that maybe I would have to up the dose. I stopped going to my therapist once the spring semester was over cause I felt school was my real problem. I was wrong. I am the real problem. I hate who I am, and I hate the person that I've become. Might I add that I've felt this way ever since I can remember....like the age of 4 or 5....always unmotivated and low self-esteem.

Sorry, people....I just want to know if there's anyone w/ the same problems that are able to give me some advice, and really I just wanted to vent. I'm I just lazy? Spoiled Brat? Manipulator? Depressed? I just want the opinion of someone who isn't a therapist, friend, relative, or my girlfriend.

Thanks.

Posted: 30 October 2009 at 5:24pm | IP Logged

well im glad you vented here on this board  cause now i dont feel so alone either.

.

im not a therapist  though i act like one in the mirror  ha ha .

seroiusly though  .

read this post

http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33894& KW=ommas

i think its  like a road map or something.

likee i got everything in th e world figured out  except those things.

like im blind to them. or blocked.

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youre lucky

you know what youre disorder is  now

so now you may stop repeating somethings with the help of your therapist.

"CAPS ON"

TELL YOUR THERAPIST ABOUT OR A NEW THARAPIST ABOUT YOUR MORBID FEELINGS  SO THEY CAN HELP MAKE THEM GO AWAY." - SELF MEDS MAKE THEM COME BACK SO DONT SELF MED. 

POT AND ADHD IS LIKE  PAPER , GASOLINE , AND MATCHES  EXCEPT NOT SO DRAMTIC

OK "CAPS OFF"

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Most people who self medicated as a teen do have some issues with maturity.

our brains are still growing and maturing until age 27 , pot inhibits normal growth .

so if a seventeen year old smokes   ,,, by the time 27 rolls around  some of the mature functions havent fully formed   and may not.

im agianst pot because ...

well  hmmm

excuse me im spacing out and cant remember wat iwas typing. 

well anyway.

everyday is a new day  .

i say a new day to learn something new  .

i love discovery channel.

----

ok back on topic.

glad you vented.

dont self med

see youre thapist agian and talk about the giving up stuff.

read that link i put up there

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my advice.

get a study routine .

a real one with peers  and stick too it.

get out of class , and finish your work before passing go!

do not anyone be more important than youre study time.

play later , you got this far.  if youre a true ADDer in college and youre IQ is 124 then all you have to do is the work.

so doit right after classes.

youll have little stress in the evenings

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 but stress all evening if you wait  to do it later   undefined  .

ADDer thrive in structure and routine.

probably why you went into the milatary 

lots of structure and routine there.

-------

hire someone to do youre bills. it will save youre credit score so it will pay for its self in lower mortgage pamennts  . just do it and have one less monkey .

.

well good luck.

ill be disappointed if i you dont keep in touch

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Posted: 01 November 2009 at 5:53pm | IP Logged

I have had a lot of the same feelings. I am going to be 34 in a few weeks and was diagnosed about a year ago. I have been through a few different meds in that time and I'm sure there will be others because they don't work the same for everyone. Right now I'm taking Ritalin and it's changed my life. It's easier to motivate myself to get things done and stay on task. I also got a Blackberry that I use to set appointments, tasks, bill reminders, reminders to take my meds, b-days and all of the other things I tend to forget and neglect. It's also helpful to have a pocket size planer that you have to train yourself to write things down in as you think to do them and look at it every chance you get. It feels really good to realise everything you wanted to do that day is crossed out because you did it.

Meds are wonderful but they do not solve the problem. They make it easier to function but you need to figure out with the help of a therapist or others what else you need to be doing to recover from years of negative behaviors. The book, "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!" was very helpful to me. I found myself in so many of those pages. You can find it and many more like it at Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/07432644 87/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257126505&sr= 8-1

Change is possible if you want it and have the right tools. You just need to find the tools that work for you through trial and error.

I hope this was helpful. I know how you feel and still feel that way sometimes but I have learned more about myself in the past 12 months than I had in the past 12 years and right now the future is brighter than it has ever been. It can and will be for you to. It doesn't happen over night but it will happen.

Posted: 09 December 2009 at 7:58am | IP Logged

I sure identified with so much that you said.  The advice everyone gave you was sound, and I especially resonated with ADD people needing structure.  I tried to teach for about 14 years in a field where I had to create my own curriculum.  Needless to say, I did not do well. I have learned since then to break tasks up in small pieces where I don't become overwhelmed. 

One more piece of advice I might pass on, but of course you can ignore it if it doesn't seem to fit.  I haven't found medication that works, so I'm on my own.  But have you ever heard of ACT, acceptance commitment therapy?  I hated myself most of my life just like you, but this therapy has really improved my feelings about myself.  You might ask your therapist if she knows of it.

I can't believe how hard you are on yourself when you write.  You sound just like I did.  I wish the best for you, as we all have some built-in challenges here, don't we?