Posted: 03 November 2009 at 1:00pm | IP Logged

I'm struggling week to week over thoughts of leaving my husband. But I've been thru one divorce with kids and never want to go thru another one. It's so ironic that after having married to my second husband and learning about his ADHD, it's like I've found the secret code that unlocks the mystery of my first husband! It's so weird to finally tie all his crazy behaviors together and know in my gut that it had to be ADHD. I could catalog the craziness, I'm so familiar with the patterns! Sometimes I lament and blame myself: oh why didn't I know, why didn't I understand him? Maybe we could've worked it out.  But back then, after 3 kids and thirteen years of marriage, my instinct told me to run and I did. But here I am, devoted and married again, to a man who has a real live diagnosis of ADHD. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Where was my instinct this time around?  The best I can come up with is what a therapist told me, which is that I am too capable. Ha!  I only wish I could be capable enough to help myself to live the life I really want, not just the life that they want from me (filling their black hole). I do love my husband, and maybe it's the challenge of loving him that keeps me here. But when things get really, really hard, and the deep down meanness in him comes out at the drop of a hat (which he of course blames me for) I can feel myself despairing at my own failure to make things right. He says I bring it on myself and maybe I do. But at least you women have helped me to see that all this introspection is not really necessary in the end.  It is what it is.  I am not crazy.  ADHD is real. Not only is it real, it's recognizable by smart, capable women like us, even when we don't have a name to put to it. I empathize with both of you over the pain you've been dealt, the agonizing self-esteem issues and everything.  Do you it's possible that not only can we support each other, do you think that we can actually DO something to make ADHD livable for us and our husbands with a kind of method?  Is it really possible or am I totally naive?  I want so much to create a kind of language that will work for someone who has trouble assessing and sorting emotions or separating the personal from the impersonal. (They take everything so personally!)  A language that uses something like mental cue cards to bolster communication. Wouldn't it be great? I have thought to tell my husband that when I have something important to put before him, something which does usually include a "tone" from me, that he has 3 responses to choose from: 1. I don't understand, please explain.  2. I do understand, how can I help?  3. I don't give a sh*t, handle it any way you want.  It partially fills my need to be heard, and gives him the power of choice. Maybe it's one tiny tool that can work?      

Posted: 03 November 2009 at 1:09pm | IP Logged

Yes, they do take everything so personally--that's why when there's trouble at work he's an absolute wreck at home--just panicky and unglued.  He needs near constant positive reinforcement, because even indifference is wounding to him--let alone outright criticism!

I do think the language would be useful. It's a brilliant idea!  I think part of the problem is that if you're diagnosed as a child, you probably accept it a little easier.  If you aren't diagnosed in adulthood, those destructive patterns and defenses are so deeply ingrained that it's hard to change, and it's really hard for them not to see everyone as a potential enemy.  I have suggested we have a code word and when he's getting really cranked up then I say they code word and he can at least be aware of it. 

Posted: 03 November 2009 at 2:03pm | IP Logged

Yes, but then how would it make you feel if he just consistently coming back to you with # 3 ( I dont give a sh*t and handle it any way you want).  In the end, I think what we all need it some sort of validation and acknowledgement. 

So let me tell you, I just had a good conversation with the husband- he called me, and said he's been feeling bad about our earlier conversation.  He then asked, (along with some other stuff), what is it that I need from him?!!  Wow.  That is probably the biggest proof that the Concerta and counseling have been having some effect.  I said that I want our relationship to go beyond the flat line (not bad, not good) relationship that has defined our "high" points over the years.  I told him I need him to be kinder, and to talk to his therapist about the need to not hear everything as an automatic slam to his person, even if it is uncomfortable to hear.  To RESPECT me. I told him that I am not trying to make him the essence of all our problems (which he is clearly not), BUT that the stuff with the ADHD has gotten so far in the way that it makes having trust in our relationship impossible.  He has been so godawful at times for the 25 years that I've known him, that I told him it was time that he owned up to his previous actions and realize that he has to try to make up for it- to acknowlege it and to act kindly. To not curse at me because he was stressed, to let us have fun without all of us in the family being worried if he was going to flip out for whatever reason. To not treat me like I was not the good person that I really know that I am (thanks to all the therapy that I've been doing!)..Uhhh

It felt great, I admit.  Like all of you, I have hope (thanks helenback) that things will be better and that it won't always be where I give out more than I receive (if I receive anything).  I used to joke that it'd be easier becoming a lesbian (if it wasnt for the fact about having to be with a woman), because all this stuff with men is a great pain in the butt.  Or perhaps a nun...hmmm.

Posted: 03 November 2009 at 2:13pm | IP Logged

There are ADHD women too, so the lesbian option doesn't really solve the problem.  In fact, now that you mention it, my lesbians friends have had some really volatile relationships. 

The nunhood is a bad deal too.  They get up really, really early, and I don't think you can say, "Hey, it's been a tiring week.  I'm going to sleep late on Saturday and then watch all those Law and Order SVU shows I recorded on the DVR."

I must say, those are magical moments when you hear some clarity from your husband, and you feel he's really hearing you, so congrats on that.  That's been a big issue for us too, because my husband wants the past to just be the past, and he doesn't understand that if he doesn't take responsibility, doesn't show he grasps what he did, we're doomed to just repeat the pattern. 

Posted: 03 November 2009 at 2:31pm | IP Logged

And that is what my therapist (who is very knowledgeable about ADHD) says about people with ADHD: they have really crappy memories, which is why putting it in writing (as in emails) is so effective for communication.  He also suggests that 1) to keep sanity, we should try to find other givers to give to us, since it won't necessarily be forthcoming to the extent we  need from our spouses.  For that matter, he states that that is a big fallacy - most relationships do not achieve the kind of symbiosis that we all yearn for; 2) for fun outings go to places that are non-threatening (big open outdoors, for example, hiking, etc.); 3) to try to find emotionally stimulating things for myself to try to find my own focus...  just to name a few suggestions.  Reading Jon Kabat-Zinn was really helpful, because he goes into meditation practices and explains how it can really help get beyond the stress of past and future, to focus on the here and now (which, does help- and I have never been what I perceived to be the "hippy dippy" type of person.  Meditation, really does work).

I was only joking about the lesbianisn- I, too,had a friend who had very similar issues with her female partner...

I personally am a Grays Anatomy fan!

Posted: 03 November 2009 at 6:55pm | IP Logged

Sorry if my replies are out of sync with the rest of you, but my computer time is sporadic.

Junekk, oh man that conversation you had with your husband sounds like the stuff of dreams.  Fantastic!  To think that's really possible gives me some hope.  I mean, the only reason I threw option #3 out there for my husband in the first place (I don't give a sh*t) is because if I set the bar low, I can still pretend that he paticipated in the conversation, even by responding with those crummy words.  Also, he can't have anything to blame me for in the future if he admits that he doesn't give a sh*t.  At least it's honest!  It's sad to think it's the best I can wrangle out of him in the way of acknowlegement instead of having to look at the back of his head while he walks out the door on me.  But if I do get that much out of him, well it somehow means we're in agreement that I'm allowed to handle things without him getting in the way or calling me a control freak. 

The code word thing sounds great too, helenback, if I ever get to point with him that he doesn't resent me for acknowleging something he basically refuses to acknowlege. Yesterday he put a call in to a psychologist because I became pretty complacent at the threat of divorce and maybe that scared him, but when I suggested he check to see that she participated in our insurance before he makes the appointment, he told me to stay out of it. I don't have hope for it going very far.  He's fond of telling how so-and-so of the moment (including our last counselor) has told him ADHD doesn't affect relationships.  Always has someone to back up his bull.  Meanwhile I have my family for the weekend and I come off looking like the bad guy when I roll my eyes over some of the crap he pulls with me.  Everybody is such a big fan of his and it makes me look rotten when I don't gush over him, too.  I don't really talk about it to anybody.  I moved into his long-time neighborhood when we got married and still feel reluctant to make new friends because I've been embarrassed by the blow-ups on the lawn. It's been 2-1/2 years and I'm just beginning to have the confidence to face my neighbors without shame. It's pretty lonely sometimes.