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Topic: I feel like a bad mom

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lang04
Newbie
Newbie

Joined: 18 October 2009
Posts: 12

Posted: 07 November 2009 at 1:17pm \| IP Logged

I have a 9 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. My son has ADHD and ODD. His behavior is so hard to handle some days I just feel like I can't even face it. He is mean to his sister, calls her names all the time. He is only happy with her if she is doing what he wants her to do. I feel so bad for my daughter that she has a brother that most of the time acts like he doesn't even like her and he has said he wishes he didn't have a sister. He is on meds, has been since age 7, we also do family counseling. He tells me that he hates this therapist because she is just making his life worse by making him accountable for his actions. My son is very motivated by money so now we are trying a new system where when he calls his sister a name it costs him money. That made him very mad and he went and tried to hide his money.

He is really good at acting like a normal kid when we are in the therapists office but a totally different kid at home. She did get a glimpse once of his meltdown behavior but it was minor compared to what I see every day.

It amazes me that I can love someone so much but also not like them at times too and yes, I know it is the actions I don't like but sometimes it is really hard to seperate the two.

He is doing well in school so he doesn't qualify for an IEP or 504 plan, I guess I have to wait for him to start failing before the school can help. So for now the homework struggles and meltdowns are just my problem. I feel like I must be missing something and I am tired of feeling upset with him so much of the time. any advise would be helpful.

Thanks

Logan'sMom
Senior Member

Joined: 05 June 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 678

Posted: 08 November 2009 at 8:31pm \| IP Logged

First, big hugs to ya! I know how you feel! It's soooo hard to dislike your own child! It makes you feel so guilty! (I know) But it's completely understanable!

What medication is your son on? It sounds like (if his diagnosis is correct) his medication is not working for him. What type of doctor does he see? A pediatrician or psychiatrist etc? If he is medicated and still acting that way then he either needs to switch meds, change the dose/tiiming, or add another med (like Tenex). It's possible that the medication itself is making him like that. My son got very aggiatated and angry when he was on Adderall but he's much better on Ritalin.

Sorry for all the questions...just trying to help if I can! Hang in there and don't give up. If you keep at it with the medication it WILL get better!

__________________
DS 5 yo-ADHD/Sensory Issues/Anxiety
Taking Strattera, Methylin (generic Ritalin), and Tenex
Melatonin/ Fish Oil/ L-Theanine

lang04
Newbie
Newbie

Joined: 18 October 2009
Posts: 12

Posted: 08 November 2009 at 9:57pm \| IP Logged

My son is on generic adderall. He tried vyvanse last month because a child psychiatrist evaluated him and wanted him to try it. I don't feel like it worked and insurance denied it anyway. Now his pediatrician put him back on adderall and ritilin booster in the afternoon since he has homework meltdowns. My only fear is that he already has trouble getting to sleep at night and I don't want this to affect him even more.

I love my son so much and I just want him to be happy and be the sweet boy he can be at times. Is it fairly common for kids with adhd to not have much compassion or empathy for others? It really bothers me when I hear him talk like no ones feelings matter except for his.

Some days are just so stressful I really struggle with being a good mom. God says he won't give us more than we can handle but some days I wish he didn't trust me so much!!

thanks for your words of encouragement

BETHANN
Senior Member

Joined: 28 September 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 2574

Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:27am \| IP Logged

Remember, he may be 9 in age but he is much younger in his actions.

My son is also motivated my money so I can understand all that.

I don't know if it is an adhd thing about the way they feel towards others, I honestly do not. My son is sensitive. I believe that sensitivity is very common. Do you think your son may be sensitive and masking it by being mad about things with others that he sounds like he has no compassion? ( I hope that makes sense)

What I mean to say is that it is a mask for his true inner feelings. That he is really sad and covering it up.

Do you think there is any depression going on maybe? Or anxiety? Very common to have co-morbids with our adhd'ers, you may already know about that or even read about it here on the boards.

I so love my son also. I get what you mean about that, I just don't deal with the not liking him for something they do. There are times I am mad, but not enough to "not like him". But I do understand.

I wonder if he needs a re-evaluation, or if the meds just aren't quite right. Or he is hurting inside over things.

Logan'sMom
Senior Member

Joined: 05 June 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 678

Posted: 09 November 2009 at 5:17pm \| IP Logged

I would suggest going back to a psychiatrist (or other specialist). They understand these meds better than the pediatricians. They will also make the med adjustments quickly because they know what to look for.

Is it possible that the Adderall is making him better in some ways but aggravating him in others? The Adderall helped my son's hyperactivity but made his aggitated and angry. Was he like this without meds? Also, Tenex works very well if the stimulants cause sleeping issues. My son is on it -not for sleeping issues but to counteract the side effects of the stimulants. I have heard several people on this board say that it does wonders for the sleep issue. Usually pediatricians won't prescribe Tenex though so you'd have to ask the psychiatrist. The other option I've heard about is Clonidine taken at night to help with the sleep issues. From what I understand it's a lot like Tenex. It's just stronger.

As for the compassion and empathy, I don't know if it's a part of ADHD but I'll bet it comes along with the ODD. Usually once the ADHD symptoms are controlled the ODD gets much better. My son's doc said the frustration and craziness that ADHD kids feel has to come out somehow. Some turn it inward and have self esteem issues (that's my son) and others turn it outward and those are the ones with ODD. control the ADHD/control the ODD.

I'd go back to the doc. Hopefully they can get you some relief soon!

__________________
DS 5 yo-ADHD/Sensory Issues/Anxiety
Taking Strattera, Methylin (generic Ritalin), and Tenex
Melatonin/ Fish Oil/ L-Theanine

csmom
Newbie
Newbie

Joined: 09 November 2009
Posts: 6

Posted: 10 November 2009 at 9:13pm \| IP Logged

My 10 year old daughter is ADHD/ODD and her mornings are absolute chaos. She can be so angry and we constantly fight. I understand all this completely and I myself have been guilty of it. Ive told her a few times that I wonder where my child went to and to bring her back. I know this upsets her but sometimes the things she says to me are just as bad. Once her medications have kicked in, shes the most wonderful child.

Medication adjustments take a while and usually once you find the right mix, a couple of weeks later, they change again. Its frustrating. I work with these kids all day at the school and then I come home to it as well. It can be very stressing.

Have him try working on something he does enjoy. A sport of an after school activity. Use it as a reward. Most ADHD kids excel at things they like and are good at. They dont get frustrated as easily or take it out on others. They like things that they can get an instant gratification out of. Could be an art picture or a chess game. My daughter joined the art club because it was only a half hour long and the projects always changed. One day they would make a tie-dye tshirt and the next day it was a clay figure. But it was quick and she was happy. She also takes guitar lessons and violin. She excels at both and its good for her because she only has to practice for 15 minutes. I also use the marble jar system where once a month she choses her goal. And her goals are great. If she fills it up, she can go to the movies, have a sleep over, get a new CD or even build a bear. Find something he likes that he needs to work for. Also since he likes money, offer him something to earn it. But use the bad behavior to take it away. I dont let her actually have the money. It goes into a bank account for her to use when she absolutely wants something on her own. She likes to buy a new CD or magazine. So this is her money, but she cant have it in her room.

Everytime he picks on his sister, reward the sister. Tell her that she can have extra tv time or something and he cant. After a while he will catch on to this. Also you might want to take a video of his behavior outbursts to you can show the doctor what happens. Ive done this for her mornings without her knowing. I just set the camera on the table because I know its going to happen. Its daily here. Also a second opinion on medications might also help. Research a good psychology doctor that specializes in children.

Also find a support group in your area. You are not alone in this.

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