Mothers of young men..... | ADHD Information
Cindy and Barb are on the button. This young man must learn to fit in with his family just as much as they have to give him the space to grow. Tough as it is for you now, you have nurtured him as best you know , and in the circumstance you should be commended for bringing him to this point. Give Mom a very large pat on the back, Why? As you may not be aware a good many ADDers do not survive the Teen years without getting into serious Trouble.
Hi , My son has had ADHD from birth , He was in 2 schools on Ritlin for many years , stopped taking it in middle school ,,, he has been VERY hard to raise , He quit school ( they could not handle ) him. I have had 3 or 4 different professionals tell me he has a very classic case of ADHD, He now drinks beer alot , refuses to think he has ADHD, He is now 22 and moved out of my house into a apartment with his girlfriend,,, They were here and came and went as they pleased. I have done nothing but try to help him. I paided for 2 GEDs he almost had it but would not go back to retake one part. He always seems very self centered and feelingless, He will not tell us which apartment is his.. Or give us his phone number , yet yesterday he came in my yard and stole my hose handle and it is all very stange, I give him One month rent to help them out he took the check and didnt thank us, Anyway he said he hates me ,,,, I am glad he is not here as he is scary to be around.. I think he is mad cause of the move . But I didnt know what else as the situation seems to get worse, maybe the responsabily of the apartment will make him act better ( No I did not co sign) He said he will never come back here, Do people with this ever change ? Do they seek help on there own? I pray he does. I feel bad but could do no more for him as he Does not listen and the drinking is way out. Ialso have another son here and my husband , its been a lonnng hard road with him. I will always worry about him but he was wreaking everyone elses feelings in here..... Oh well it felt good to vent,,,,,,, Thanks ChrmPink
Thank you ladies for the reply. it is very helpful. As I am not helping him to anymore I ll check out some tough love groups in the area. I have other things in my own life I have to focus on.
Barb,
I just read your encouraging and inspiring post. You are SO awesome. Thank you.
ChiefB38163.7207523148I don't have a son your age, but I think I can understand what is going on through my own difficult years and the young boys that I knew.
He and girlfriend were in your home and came and went as they pleased, You have paid for 2 GED's and he still didn't apply himself to get it, he feels it is ok to come and take what he needs from you such as the hose handle with out your permission, you gave him one month rent and he didn't thank you..
When I break it down like this... do you see what is going on? OK! he has ADHD, but he is also an adult now and has to learn to fend for himself! What if something happen to you? Stop helping him! let him know what things are like when he is on his own! Tough love is harder for the parent that it is for the child.... I PROMISE!!!
I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is using you and your love for him to get what he wants when he wants it. Cindy is right, tough love is the way to go and harder on you than him. He is using his ADHD as an excuse to not grow up. I bet he is blaming you for all his problems too.
He can grow up but you have to let him know that you won't let him get away with acting like a child any longer. As long as he thinks he can manipulate you, he has no incentive to try. When he comes whining to you, just let him know his free ride is over and that you won't help him until he takes responsibilities for himself and his actions. He can start by acknowledging that he has ADHD and taking his meds. He needs to get his GED and a job.
Let him know that when he has done those, you will help him get on his feet as much as you are able but you will not baby him.
There are places where he can get his GED for free. Have him go to social services or Literacy Volunteers and ask them how to find one. They will know and he will have to take the necessary steps to get help for himself. That will be the first step for him in growing up!
If you do a search on your computer, I'm sure you will find many sites for tough love programs where you can get advice. They will be able to help you and encourage you in ways we can't here. We will always be here for you and encourage you all we can. Hopefully, your keeping us informed of your progress will help some of us avoid going through what you are now.
I feel for you! I'm glad to see you taking steps now to help your son and not giving up on him..You have been strong enough to survive the pain you have gone through and I know you are strong enough to get through this.
If it helps any, I have an uncle who sounds a lot like your son. My grandparents didn't know about tough love when he was growing up, but he met the right woman who wouldn't put up with his games and he finally grew up in his thirties. He is one of the uncles my sister and I run to whenever we have problems because we know he is always there for us! He is on the board of Literacy Volunteers in our area (he learned to read through them). His picture shows up in the paper often for his good works and charitable giving of himself, (not his money, but his time and love). Believe me, he isn't so much older than me that I don't remember exactly where he came from and how he got where he is today. I am extremely proud of him and I couldn't have said that 25 yrs ago! Barb