help! need friend/coworker advice | ADHD Information

ok... first... hi, i'm new here... have had dx for about 6 yrs.  i'll post my "story" sometime soon.  anyway...

i work with my one friend... well, we got to be friends after we started working together.  at first, she really seemed like she wanted to be my friend, and we both talked about how much fun we had together, but the last few months...  she hasn't really been acting like she wants to be my friend even though she says she's not mad at me and has still said she'll always be there for me. 

she spends ALL DAY at work running around talking to EVERYONE, but she pretty much ONLY talks to me when i start the conversation or if i follow her around asking her what she said to someone else.  if she's my friend, shouldn't she WANT to talk to me??  i mean when i have something to tell, i want to tell HER.

i've e-mailed her (she knows i'm better with e-mailing than talking face to face) a few times to see WHY, but she never tells me WHY... only that she's not mad at me and that i shouldn't worry.

i don't know what to do...  i don't want to MAKE her mad by pestering her about this, but she even talks to the woman she DOES NOT like more than she talks to me.  she SAYS she is my friend, but she certainly doesn't act like it anymore.

 

i really think she has adhd, too.  i've never told her, but when i told her about me, i sent her some checklists and stuff to read b/c she didn't know much about it.  several times when she was talking about something she had done that sounded a lot like an adhd thing, i've said that it sounded like she was spending too much time with me.  

my other dilema is that some of the stuff she does at work that is very adhd-like is starting to really annoy others at work.  i'm not going to tell her that i think she has adhd, but i feel like, as her friend, i should let her know that some of the things she's doing are making others mad.... like running around all day talking to everyone and leaving the rest of us to do all the work.  i really don't think she is even aware of it... she just keeps getting sidetracked, but our coworkers are getting really annoyed.  i just don't want her to get mad at ME.  maybe if she were acting more like a friend, i'd feel more comfortable saying something, but i just don't know what to do.

 

if anyone has ANY ideas or suggestions, they'd be greatly appreciated!

SORRY this is SOOOO LONG!

Absolutely, very good advice has been exchanged here... advice I wish I'd been given many years ago. Aren't these boards like small 'miracles'? It's so great to have others sharing information to help with solutions to many of our common problems...in this case the difficulty so many of us have had making and keeping friends most of our lives.

I'll just add (if I haven't already said this)...try not to sound or come across too needy. A guarantee to scare or chase anyone off...believe me, I know. Although friendships take work (just like marriages do), some people just don't want to put too much energy into maintaining a relationship, especially a 'high maintenance' one. (Not that I'm saying you are high maintenance, hon. )

Meanwhile, lilo, sounds like you are handling this situation quite well, as BB said above.

Hey, bluebird...how would you like to be my counselor?   

You don't say but do you think she started to drift away after you started to tell her more about your ADHD?  Maybe she's uncomfortable with your condition or maybe you've made her uncomfortable with your comments about her being too much like her?  I'm just guessing here.

One thing you can do is this: Either get a few minutes with her or send her an email (whichever your more comfortable with) and tell her that you feel that she's avoiding you and you want to know if she still wants you to talk to her or not.  Tell her that you won't be mad, but you feel that your attention isn't wanted anymore and you don't want to be where you're not wanted.  Tell her that if she wants to talk to you, that you'll let her come to you.

Don't go on about how much you like her as a friend or anything like that.  This will be pressure that she may not want.

I know that I've recently been diagnosed and I can look back over friendships where I would just start avoiding people when I didn't want to talk to them.  But I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable so I'd give some of the same excuses that she's giving you.  And I've also been on the receiving end of the same treatment.  So it goes both ways.

You may just have to accept the fact that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. 

And if you've sent her checklists and such - I wouldn't bring up the ADHD thing or tell her that she's annoying people.  A big thing with AD/HD is denial.  She needs to come to the conclusion for herself.  And if she is pulling away from you - she may see you telling her these things as a way to just draw her back to you.

I don't mean any of these things as harsh or mean - just suggestions and something to try if it feels right to you.

Autumnstar

Hi Lilo,

I'll speak to you, but I'm actually speaking to myself.

What you're going through is painful. I have DEFINITELY been on both sides.

*I would completely leave her alone. When someone wants to be a friend, they don't leave you wondering if they are your friend or not...they are just there.  If they don't want to be a friend (anymore), then you have to find the security within yourself to allow that. A good way to do this is to find something else to focus on...work (need more education to move up? Need another job?) and an interest outside of work that you are immersed in and look forward to doing when you leave work.  Don't worry about finding new friends, just find another interest...friends will always appear.

What do you personally need to become self contained and secure no matter who is or isn't there? Meds, a therapist, a dog? Again, I had to answer that for myself. I have an endless supply of good friends. I have also been "dumped" and it was beyond painful. As soon as I practiced what I'm preaching here, they wanted me back and it was not a big deal to me by then.

*Relationships tend to ebb and flow. If you just allow it, then chances are you'll regain a friend (if you want her when she comes back). If you do any more, you'll probably weird her out...think of dating. If a guy won't stop (he thinks he needs to make just one more call, send one more note, etc.,), it makes you want to run screaming into the night. If he lays off, sometimes you end up liking and respecting the person.

*Need specifics about how to act? Smile and be pleasant (if you're stuck together at work); do whatever you need to do to be self contained (Do you need  an anti-depressant? How about a therapist?). Don't make a phone call or write another note. 

Hope that helps.

bbird
me too...  thanks.  the thing is we ARE (WERE) friends outside of work...  we USED to spend time/talk outside of work... she even invited me to spend new years eve w/ her family and then wanted me to spend the night (which i did), and last month i invited her (and husband and kids) to go with me on a trip i was going on to an amusement park, and we all had a great time... and i used to go to her house, and we'd just sit and talk, and i went to her son's birthday party...  it's just...  it used to feel like she WANTED to do things with me, but now... and when i don't start the conversation, it's like she acts like i'm just someone else she works with... and isn't really that good of a friend.  now yesterday, we worked next to each other.  i was polite, but i didn't say much of anything to her.  she said a few things to me and locked my drawer on me (we used to do stuff like that all the time to tease each other).  in the afternoon, i slipped up and started a conversation, and the rest of the afternoon she talked to me like she used to. 

then today, i started out talking to her like yesterday afternoon, but she didn't really talk to me much, and she didn't say a word to me unless i went over and started talking to her first.  and if i call her on the phone about something, she'll talk for an hour, but she never calls me for anything.  i'm sooo confused, and i don't know what to do...  and i'm the only "outside of work" friend she has that she ever does anything with except her husband and sisters.  i DON'T want to change her... i like her the way she is... and i've told her that.  i just want her to either let me know she wants me around or tell me to get lost so i know where i stand with her...  so i know whether to stick by her or cut my losses and walk away.

i just worry, too, that maybe i'm reading her wrong... like maybe today she had something else on her mind that had nothing to do with me...  she IS a lot like me...  i know how i can get lost in my own world and often wonder how that looks to other people.... or what if sometime I was lost in MY world and blew her off without realizing it and now SHE's worrying that I'M mad at HER???  like i said, if she doesn't want me around, i'll walk, but i also don't want to screw this up because i interpreted things wrong.


lilo38596.8320601852Well, you may be right, lilo...that there's something going on with her that has nothing to do with you. She may be having problems at home, or was given a talk by the boss about talking too much at work. Who knows? It could be anything. And some people do have a difficult time opening up about private things. However, I do understand how you feel and have empathy for you.

Perhaps just email her "I miss ya. Your buddy" and nothing more. See if she responds.

Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you. I know it's perplexing and confusing to you. You seem to have done just about all that you can. Just sit back and see what happens. :dunno:

Oh, I thought of something I used to do that pushed people away. [Not saying this is what you do, lilo.] But it's something to think about. If I was too negative, complaining too much, etc., it would turn other people off. I can understand that, because I feel the same way around negative people. In fact, I was taught how unhealthy it is to be around negative people.

Also, I have a friend who accepts me just as I am, yet whenever I bring up my ADHD, she'll just sort of ignore what I say about it. Doesn't reply to any comments I may make about adhd. Like she really doesn't want ... or perhaps need ... to know about it. ??

And thank you BB and lilo...I just read what I typed earlier...wow, I was long winded, and geesh, what I said actually made some sense. GypsyWomyn38596.869537037Maybe you spooked her by getting too intense? Women do this to guys ALL the time (ok, I've seen a few men do it too).  But, I've also had women do it to me too. Sometimes they just push the friend boundary too far and make me completely uncomfortable.  Even though I am heterosexual, I have had women start treating me as though I were their boyfriend; they have laid a million expectations on me or made me too central in their lives.

Anyway, when it happens it becomes a schizmogenic process -- how many people have heard that term? lol It's from my Human Comm. degree; you'd have to be a Human Comm. major to have heard it probably.

The best way to explain it is with an example. A wife nags, so the husband withdraws. His withdrawing causes her to nag more, so guess what? He withdraws further, and on and on it goes getting more intense and extreme until it spirals out of control. That's a schizmogenic process.

So maybe you are getting too intense with having burning questions or appearing too eager if she gives you a crumb of attention and it is causing her to shut down which makes you want to do things like "JUST CLARIFY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (classic thing people do who are being rejected in some manner), which makes her want to not say two words to you (or she'll think she is rewarding your behavior and encouraging you more), which makes you want to just talk about, which makes her want to run off...and on and on and on. It's recursive. When you backed off like you did, she was like a little rabbit peeking its head out of a hole because it seemed safe enough. The worst thing to do is to go running over and try to grab the high-strung bunny. See what I'm saying?

The way to solve it is NOT to reverse roles...HE nags, so SHE withdraws. That is a Level 1 change, meaning that the pattern is still there.

The solution is a Level 2 change.  You have to eliminate the pattern altogether. 

So, from the outside, it looks like you will need to find a way to be OK with no answers...ever. This will require you to let go of sentimentality of how "it used to be," how it "should be," etc. because meybe she is sensing neediness and obligation it is running her off?

Are you taking any meds? If not, a med like Adderall might help give you more control. We ADHDers sometimes just can't let things go...we're like bloodhounds on a cheeseburger scent.

:o)

bbird




I like your post Gypsy.

bb
thanks for the replies!

it was several months after i told her...  when i told her, she didn't know much about it except that her husband's nephew has it.  that's why i sent her the checklists and some other stuff...  i told her i was sending them to her so she could learn more about it.   i'll never tell her that i think she has it unless she asks me directly.

for a couple of months now, i've been trying not to talk to her unless she comes to me first...  mainly to see how often she WOULD come to me.  when I go to HER and start the conversation, she pretty much acts like everything is normal, but if i don't go to her, she VERY rarely comes to me. 

the past week i've been doing better at not talking to her first, and she's come up to me a few times really seemed kind of hesitant... almost shy about talking to me... the way she was before we got to be good friends.  that makes me worry that her not talking to me isn't on purpose, and that she might think i'm mad at her.

if she doesn't want to be friends, i'm not going to push it, but i'm still afraid that she might not be aware of any of this (she's not always good at... umm... picking up on non-verbal cues?) and that she might just think i'm not talking to her because i'm mad at her and that that might be making her afraid to talk to me.  ok, now i'm starting to confuse myself.  

anyway... as far as me telling her that other people at work are getting annoyed with her...  up until recently, it was like i was her closest friend at work.  i don't want to make her mad by telling her, but i don't want her find out on her own and be upset that i knew and didn't tell her.  i know that if people at work get annoyed with me i definitely want her to tell me so that i can try to fix what i'm doing wrong.

well.... i work with her the rest of the week, so we'll see what happens.
Lilo...both autumnstar and bluebird gave good advice above. And I particularly agee with BB to not email or call this person. And I'd to add my own two cents, actually more like a dollar's worth.

Many times I found myself in the same 'boat' as you when i was working. First of all, people we meet at work and feel they are friends (at work only)...I assume you weren't visiting or getting together with this woman outside of work...office friendships, are never truly real 'friends'...if you know what I mean. And to rely on friendships at work isn't a really good idea anyway.

Sometimes (not necessarily in your case) that 'friend' hears from others that they don't like us...so that 'friend' doesn't want to be seen associating with us. Cliques and Office Politics, I call it...and it really sucks! Someone is nice one day, the next they'e not. People change their minds like their underwear, on who to associate with and not. Epecially when you're first new...people tend to warm up to new people fast...and not taking the time to really get to know them. And people at work are so opinionated! So my advice is to just do your job and find things outside of work to fulfill your needs of friends, entertainment, etc.

Also, when you do meet someone you feel might become a friend, try not to tell too much about yourself right away...and I don't mean just being AD/HD. And this applies to at work and outside work. Take the time to learn more about one another...build the friendship slowly. This I learned from a therapist...way too late for many 'friends' I may have made, but it's never too late to learn the ins and outs of people getting to know and like 'us.'

And the fact that this friend of yours at work may be AD/HD, it's not up to you to let her know this. When the time is right, she'll figure it out (if she even is). Just like we did. Things happen when they 'should' in their own way.

I made a friend at work once, and we really had a good friendship outside work...even were roommates for a short time (bad idea with a friend! )   And long after we neither worked nor lived togther, she told me about how people felt about me at work. I appeciated her telling me at that time. And I tried better at following jobs...to not push myself upon people, etc. etc. etc. That job was before I was dx'd for ADHD, and I understand now the things I did to unintentionally 'push' people away.

I know this post is someone sporatic (and LONG) ... jumping from here to there...but I'm in a hurry today, and just wanted to make a few comments that came to mind.

Good luck, lilo...just do your work and if anyone (like her) comes to you, just be there for them...listen to them, but I wouldn't offer advice or try to change them...it's not your responsibility. I know that sounds harsh, but an 'at work' friend isn't a true friend, KWIM? They have their real friends outside of work, too.

Gyps

I must say everyone gave you great advise.  I just might add, try not to be cold to her, even if you are a little hurt.   Give her cheerful "Goodmornings" and perhaps match what she gives to you - in other words...  If she talks to you for a moment....later on talk to her for a moment. Don't over do it.  You may find a "balance" that is acceptable to the both of you.  Maybe not best buddies but a good friend to talk to.

And last of all.  Please try talking to other people too.

 

i don't think i was taking up too much of her time...  we didn't spend THAT much time together... and when i did go to her house, it was usually when we both had a day off and he was at work.

i would love to just go up and ask her, but i'm afraid that will push her away more.  i e-mailed her twice a few months ago (about a month apart)...  i basically said that maybe i was misinterpreting things or being silly, but i asked her if she was annoyed with me and said that it seemed like she never talked to me anymore unless i started the conversation, and i wanted to know if i had done anything to make her mad at me.  both times she e-mailed me back saying that she "definitely" wasn't annoyed with me and that i was her friend so how could she get annoyed with me or think anything bad of me...  but she never addressed the not-talking-to-me issue and nothing changed.

i'm just sooo confused.  i don't know what to do...  and i DO NOT want to loose her as a friend... unless she doesn't want me around.  i feel like i forgot to show up the day they taught how to maintain a friendship.  i'm fine with the, "hey, how are you?  how's the weather?" kind of thing but anything more, and i always seem to screw it up.
Confrontations often make people very uncomfortable. A confrontation doesn't always result in the way that you would hope or expect. (I've  heard this is true when people go and contront people like evil parents from their past--counselors often prepare their patients for these experiences and the risk that's involved.)

If you do even one confrontation (email or face-to-face) it goes a LONGGGG way. It sounds a bit OCD to be fixated on this/her. 

Sounds like you're doing very well in backing way down. I have gone through this about a gillion times with friends and myself. Sounds like she is giving you an indication that you can possibly salvage your friendship.

I'll bet you that if you focus on other things that are engaging to you and never, never again pump her for the "what's"  or the "why's" of your relationship  that she'll feel safe to be friends with you again--give her six months. And during that six months don't have any expectations, try not to get indignant, just Do Your Own Thing...find something that makes you smile from the inside out. As Dr. Laura might say "impress yourself."

If you do this, either way you will come out on top--you will either have an interest that exposes you to new, fun people OR you will have your friend back AND your new interest.  Either way is a win-win situation.

If that sounds like irrelevant, arrogant, bloody advice...just ignore. 

Good Job, Good Luck, and Keep us Posted!

bb


bluebird3838601.2329050926Right on Bluebird!update... 
ok, first, thanks for the replies... and bb, no, i'm not taking any meds right now.  no health ins. = no meds.  i really wish i could be back on meds.

anyway... the rest of the week, i was polite to her, but i made sure i didn't really say much to her.  she's still going to everyone else when she has something to say or some comment to make, but by the end of the week, she was coming over to me a lot (not excessively, but noticeably more than she has lately) to help me.

i don't know where this is going, but i work with her most of this week, so i'm just going to keep doing the same thing and see what happens.

i guess i just don't really know what a friendship is supposed to be like.  i've always had the people i talked to when i at this activity, and the people i talked to at that activity, but i've never had a friend i could really talk to or just spend time with.  all of my "friends" from different activities all have their own friends.  i just, for once, want my OWN friend.  i just want someone to get to know me and WANT to be MY friend... but i certainly don't want to hang around if i'm not wanted.

Is it possible that you were taking up too much of her time outside of work? Maybe her husband resented you spending so much time talking and hanging out together, or she just felt she needed a little more time alone with her family. My first husband was extremely jealous of the time I spent with my friends and family even though he spent more time with his friends. They never knew it but I heard about it constantly.

I have been on both sides of that issue and its hard to tell a good friend that they are interfering in your family life too much. She may have always made you feel welcome and now doesn't know how to tell you that she wants to be your friend and spend time together, but not as much time.

If that is the case, she may be afraid of hurting your feelings because you didn't do anything wrong but she just needs more space. I would try being her friend at work and let some time go by before I suggested anything outside of work.

Personally, the woman I am now would just go up to her and ask her if I had offended her in any way. I didn't used to be this way so I can definitely identify with you.