Thanks! Have not brought the subject up yet, but I am trying to pick and choose my battles carefully. I am going this afternoon (if I don't forget again) to get the book Driven by Distraction and we'll see if he will read it first. Sometimes I wonder if I am just too sensative to things that relate to ADD (which is my life). AH HA! This just occured to me....I am extremely sensetive to critisism...so avoding the subject when I need support seems to me like a critisisum where he intends it that way or not.
Thanks...when I do talk to him about this I will let you know what reactions came out of it....
Hey--about trusing people, does anyone else have this problem...or is it that I second guess myself so much that I do that with everyone else which them turns into non-trust!
Thanks...we'll see how it goes! Wish me luck!
I would like to say that I am an 18yr old girl,my boyfriend is 20yrs old & I have ADHD been dianosed since I was 6yrs old.For the past 2yrs my boyfriend has no idea of my problems when I get annoyed I just tell him its my hormones.I repeat myself everday or mention the same thing over & over as my memory is awful.Im always questioning his faithfulness to me as all my life I have been on my own,always seem to get let down by people so when I get close to people I kinda cling to them cos I always want to be the one who has all the attention or be the most important in peoples life's which I make them feel over-crowded probably! Sometimes I think that my boyfriend or other people who no nothing of my ADHD will find out. Everyday I live through my condition.If I say something out of the ordinary its cos its not me saying it but my ADHD again! I don't get much encouragement from people so always feel bad about myself but Im good at English.
Mel17herts38153.6077546296Hey-I started typing this and something happend and I lost see (but that's not suprising)! This has been on my heart today so I thought I would write to see if anyone else has experinced the same problems. If I jump form thought to thought bare with me...it seems when I have alot to say I can't get it from my brain to the paper in order, I type it as it comes to my mind. I have been married for alomst 2 years now for the 2nd time around. My hubby is great...like night and day difference from my x, but inspite of all that, I still have committment problems. Its like it is with anything else, a new job, a new project....I have great enthusasium at fiirst but shortly after it disappears into bla...its like I don't wnat to put effort into my marriage...not really board I don't guess just....who knows what! I love him with all my heart, but....I know that great rewards will come if I commit to this marriage, but its like I can't see far enough into the future to see or care about those rewards....not that I am selfish, but instant gratification is me, even at 29 even though I know form experience that is not the way to ture happiness.
Another issue is that I trust NO ONE which wears thin on me. The only person I trust with everything in me is my daughter and my grandfater who passed away when I was 16. Actually from that point on, is when I stared seeing these relationship issues. Oh something else, I am a very talkative person, but when it comes to relationships and my feeling....no way hosa! Clam up like a crab! My hubby will say, how do you feel about this....my answer is 'i don't know'....its like I have no feelings avout certian things....and I have no fear either.......I am not afraid of anything.
My hubby has been very supportaitive about this ADD thing up until recently.....now if I even mention anything on the subject, he looks at me and changes the subject fast, but on the other hand, in an argument its like he blames me (b/c of ADD I guess) 100% and I know that is not all true.
Anoter thing, he is really smart, always reading a learning (which I hate to do), because I have a hard time, no infact, I can't read out loud because of mixing up the words and not reading the whole senternce, skipping around, it makes me feel like he thinks I am stupid.....although he has NEVER said that! Am I just more sensatitive about everything now that I know what the problem is or is this a real issue?
See skipping around.......sorry! at least you know what my thought patten was when I wrote this....lol Anyone else have experencies like this......is this part of ADD or just me? Any help would be appreciated. Also, how do I bring this up without blowing my top?
Thanks, Upwardbound
i don't think so
he's not a waste of time if he'w willing to meet you half way
and you're willing to work at it and you love each other.
marriage is hard work with or without adhd.
when one thinks that when you marry that things should be 'easy' and love should flow uninterrupted..its just not the case.
marriage is difficult b/c you have to deal with two different ppls' priorities
and i've just learned to be very careful about what i let come out of my mouth over the years. obviously for an adhd person that is a prime challenge.
its a challenge i fight every day not to be 'unfair' in an argument and only talk about the point at hand.
i pretty much use those rules on a regular basis with my husband. even though he is a non adhd'er he loses his temper too! i'm the only one that can rile him up. he's typically a long fuse kind of man.
recently i told my husband that: he has this attitude that b/c i raise my voice sometimes and i'm reactionary that my opinions or grievances bear less weight than his b/c he sounds so 'rational' and low key and calm. it was really making me angry . b/c he was committing just as many trespasses as i was but only in a quieter way. that irritates me. i'm excitable so therefore i cannot be right? i'm overreactive so therefore if i'm offended by something we need to take the severity in which i react down a notch? i think the process needs to go both ways.
we each need to strive to improve our communication. not just ME.
here's my perfectly amateur advice upward bound (like your name! good thinking)
i've been with my husband for 11 years. i too am 29. he is as cool and calm as a cucumber. meanwhile i have red blooded burst of temper and i can rake it into anyone occasionally if i'm hurt. but i've learned a few things at least through the years that have made it a bit easier..now i'm talkitive like crazy..and i don't ever have a problem expressing myself.
but i would suggest this if you want to discuss these issues with him.
1) you might want to write down exactly what it is that is disturbing you so if he reacts you can refer to it and not be so flabbergasted.
2) you two should make a 'truce' to have a calm conversation. possibly sitting face to face. with rules! like: no shouting
no name calling
no changing the topic and only discussing the topic at hand.
be fair
don't jump to conclusions
and allow yourselves each to have a designated period to talk without interruption.
so in other words a very stable and controlled type of interaction where you can get your grievances out without yelling and getting what you actually want done: expressing how you feel about your relationship and not just degrading it to further meltdown.
does that make sense?
hope this helps you
good luck
sumi
Thanks Sumi! Great advise--if only I can do that! : We'll see!
Something you said caught my eye: IF you want to discuss this...should I not? Would I be wasting my time, him being a non-adder?
Look at my pic on the left...upwardbound--headed for heaven! :)
Sumi- I just have to say thanks for the words of wisdom! You are 100% right when you said that "we each need to strive to improve our communication"! You're right marriage/ relationships are difficult and they take effort to maintain, especially with ADHD!
Your husband sounds just like my boyfriend. He acts so calm during an argument and then tells me I'm over-reacting! Well, he's just as melodramatic but he uses his "inside voice" to blow thing sout of porportion.
I sometimes wonder if I'm wasting my time trying to explain what it's like in my head to a non-adder. It's funny because my best friend for the last 3 years was just diagnosed with ADHD!! She said to me, "no wonder I always felt that we 'get' eachother!" Which reminds me that I should call her, Haven't spoken to her in a while. Anyway, I degress...
Thanks for bringing this up... I think women tend to have special difficulties having ADHD and being with a male who isn't. I've found they tend to have more difficulty putting themselves into our shoes than women would. It can create alot of stress...
Hang in there Upward... hope things get better!