Fear of romance/intimacy | ADHD Information
Hello everyone. I haven't checked in on this forum for a while. I'm currently working at a summer camp for children with ADHD, dyslexia, and other learning differences. What I'd like to bring up today is the whole perceived stigma of taking medicine. I currently take Strattera, Ritalin, Wellbutrin, and Lexipro to help with Adult ADD (inattentive type) and mild dysthemic depression. I'm 32 years old, and have not been romantically involved with anyone for 2 1/2 years.
Right now, many things in my life are going terrifically. The medication is tremendously helpful. I am able to do things in my life I only dreamed about before. This job is AMAZING. There are two major areas that still bother me: finances and intimacy. I continue to carry debt from years of underemployment and financial confusion, but it is not tremendous. I also seem to be afraid to initiate a romantic relationship; when I am romantically interested in women, I develop friendships instead, afraid to initiate intimacy. I even sometimes develop emotional intimacy, without being able to cross the line into physical intimacy. I know this is in large part due to the memory of a seriously flawed relationship in the past, in which my ADD shortcomings were harshly criticised. I also have not been able to let go of this fear that as soon as I spend a significant amount of time with anyone, I will have to reveal my twice-daily medication, and they will be instantly turned off. ("Oh, I thought he was a great guy, but I found out he's ON MEDICINE.) This fear was aggravated recently when a female associate at this camp and I were talking about our campers. I mentioned that many of them are tremendously intelligent, but in school their talents are often ignored and their weaknesses harshly judged. She added that she thought it was horrible that they are forced to take medicine to become what the school system expects them to be. I was like, "Uh, yeah, forced to take medicine... horrible..." Any suggestions as to how I can overcome my self-consciousness or fear of a stigma over this issue?
Thanks,
tactilejones
Hello, I think you need to be more comfortable with yourself first to accept this and not look so negatively on things. That is just great that you work with children with this problem.
Maybe you should consider counseling for yourself to work through your acceptance. This is not a condition that you should have to live your life in a closet, this is something that needs to be brought out in the open. The one that you meet and love will need to know, and if they are the right person they won't be looking at this as that lady thinking that "the kids are drugged".
When kids are that young, they don't need people looking over them showing sympathy (I know that from experience just with other problems) they need someone that is going to be strong, and encourage them to be strong. To instill confidence and be happy with who they are. Things like this make us stronger, more open minded and caring to others less fortunate.
I personally thing adversity makes great people. All I can say is if you take care of yourself, acceptance wise, then others will notice and things should come naturally without having to dwell on it.
Welcome to the board,
Im sorting of having relationship problems myself. I'll be 18 next month but all my life Ive been a loner never getting close to people incase they don't want to know me or they may find out about my ADHD. From the age of 14yrs Ive had 3 serious boyfriends my current boyfriend of 2yrs in October included. But ive always found getting to close difficult I just back out this could be down to a few childhood problems that we had with authority when I was a child but i'd rather not talk about that. Ive always wanted to go out with the bad boy type, the type of guy who's been in prison or had family home problems someone whos on the same wave length as me that way I know that no matter what they will need me as much as I would cling to them but I've not yet found that kinda of relationship (I think weird yes I know!)
Anyways my boyfriend who I am with now has no idea of my problems I just put them down to teenage hormones but I worry everyday incase my mum or family tell him that I have ADHD as I know he wouldn't understand. We argue alot of the time mainly cos I always want to be centre of attention and when he talks about his mates I get jealous, I hate him going out where his near girls as I feel that Im not enough as we have few sexual problems mainly cos of me. Its so confusing!
I will tell you a funny story, prior to meeting my husband I could not hold down a relationship! Jumped from one to the next, I was very much up to "keep trying" so up and down and they would never stay long.
Well I figured after that I was just going to be a drifter, a lot of short term relationships and just leave it at that.
Then I met my husband - I gave him fair warning, I told him "I didn't think I could love him enough for marriage to last" LOL He pursued me anyway and that following year we got married. It is now 8 years later and he still rubs it in what I said back then when we first met!
I think just because I had finally matured, and calmed down quite a bit with my condition - oh we had our ups and downs trying to raise 5 step kids. But we are like clock work now - I consider him to be my best friend now and we go everywhere together. I am glad that he was persistant and that I did give a chance to have such a wonderful relationship today.
I am sure you will find someone that affects you just the same way, that they want to be a part of your life no matter what! 
tactile,
If you were diabetic, would you be embarrassed about taking insulin?
I don't believe that every person with ADD needs meds. It depends to a great extent on how severe their condition is. My son takes supplements which seem to be working now. If in the future I believe he needs meds, he will get them. Right now I am hopeful that we can get him into behavior therapy and that will be enough. Time will tell.
The point I am trying to make is that you have a condition which requires meds. So what! Many diabetics take insulin twice a day! People even feel sorry for them because they have to give themselves shots!
You are a very warm, loving man with a lot to offer a woman! You would make a wonderful father. Any woman worthy of you would not care about meds. Any woman who would look down on you isn't good enough for you, my friend!!! (Did you ever stop to think that the woman was trying to impress you with how compassionate she was and understanding about the fact that the kids weren't appreciated for who they are?) Could she have been flirting just a little? I think she might have been trying to reel in the catch of the day! 
I understand the relationship issue. I've been married for 10 years and we have a wonderful son, yet I still have times when I have to force myself to act like I care at all. It isn't my hubby's fault. He would do anything for me. There is the issue of having to work at a relationship, and we all know how motivated we are to work hard at any one thing for a long time, even something as important as marriage. By holding one part of yourself back, you aren't committing to something you might not want to stay committed to. (You get what you pay for and my opinions are free! LOL)
Give yourself a break! I bet if you would relax, look in the mirror and say "Tactile Jones, you are one super guy!" at least 20 times a day, you would start feeling better about yourself and seeing yourself as the rest of the world sees you now. I think you would be amazed at how well liked you are!
i hope you aren't too fearful of him finding out. fear is probably the worst emotion of adhd :( if it is causing you grief, perhaps you should confront him and put your fears to rest. you shouldn't feel bad about yourself because you show the symptoms of adhd, many great people have during the course of the world. i believe they say being "overly sensitive" is a symptom - i wonder if lincoln would have risked all to free the slaves if he didn't show the signs of add? perhaps the real story is the rest of the world is under-sensitive? in my opinion lying usually brings about trouble. when i lie i dwell on it. it always seems to come back to haunt me. i'm 36 now, and i don't lie or do things that i have to lie about anymore. now i have all those extra brain cycles left over to try to remember where i left the dang car keys. that said, i don't think you are lying to him yet. the longer you wait to tell him or let him find out, the closer it will be to a lie though. don't look down upon yourself for having this. i believe nature intended for us to be this way, we are explorers, our decendants will pick up our time-developed skills quickly. In time we will be the great,great,great*1000 grandparents of the human race. a place where over-sensitivity is a GOOD thing, where greed and capitalism are no longer desirable - where expanding our minds, exploring, and creating equity and fairness to all life is the driving factors. i've only known about adhd for 6 weeks now, but i think it is very attractive. there's just something about 2 like-minded explorers that seems so romantic to me. try to relax and clear your head for a bit, i'm sure you'll decide the right thing to do.p.s - when in doubt , go with barb :)
Wile E38159.9736226852
I had started out thinking that way, that I would never hook up with what I considered better then me, that I had to keep looking for guys like I preceived similar to my situation or a bit rough around the edges, my husband is quite the opposit of me, a clean cut guy that had a stable supportive upbringing. And I sure shocked him once I related my past issues growing up, but never once did he look down on me, I know I have his respect. And if anything it made him a bit more understanding to the world around him.
Back when I was mixing with the wrong guys, I kept setting myself up for bad situations, guys that were verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, or worse physically abusive. So you want to be real careful there to look out for yourself... and don't limit what may come along for you - might just be the best thing yet.
Also is another important reason, don't hook up with someone to live their live, go where they want to go, or loose all of your friends - that is not what a good relationship is all about, they are suppose to look at you as an equal, to respect you and encourage you to live your life to the fullest. Think of it as team work, suppose to compliment each other and want to do the best for each other.