Guy Trouble | ADHD Information

I do hope that nobody is offended by this post in any way.The thing is, I was born premature and this theme has stuck with me throughout my life. Well, throughout my sex life anyhow (if you get what I mean )

I was wondering if this is a common problem in guys with ADHD. Like, an impulsive issue. It's really embarressing when it happens and I'm so scared of getting involved with girls because of it. If a girl gets close to me I'll run a mile. Firstly coz I'm really shy but secondly because there's a chance we might have sex and I probably won't last the mile. Does anybody else experience this problem, and if so, is there anything I can do? Besides thinking of my grandma

pretty_lost38160.145474537

Lost,

This is not an uncommon occurrence in ADDers. I recommend that you spend some time researching the correlation between ADD and emotional development. It is an especially worrisome concern for ADD males since society has determined that we are to be the sexual aggressors.

I cannot relate all of the implications surrounding development, but I have read about this phenomena. It really put my mind at ease to know that there was a physiological explanation for my shyness and perhaps a psychological explanation for my difficulty relating to women. My research indicates that we ADDers tend to have phobia of rejection. Now everyone has a fear of rejection on some level, but remember, ADDers are much more sensitive than most other people. Our hypersensitivity is one of our strengths but it can also be crippling. Most of this can be resolved in therapy. Discuss it with your therapist, if you are seeing one. If not, I recommend meditation with visualization. It really doesn't take very long to become the personality that you can envision. Again, the process is too involved to explain here, but the library will have books on the subject. I checked out an audio-book once that took me through my first successful visualizations and I have worked with my therapist on others.

Think of it Pretty_Lost. What is the personality inside of you that is waiting to burst forth? Do not fear becoming someone that you are not already. That is an impossibility. If you can relax and visualize this person and do it often enough, you must become that person. Get the audio-book. You will not regret it.

BTW, your fear of not lasting is, largely, unfounded. Every male has episodes like that on occasion. Actually, there are ways of precluding a misfire if you anticipate sex may happen on a date.

Plus if it does happen (happens to all of us sometimes) you can always keep that special someone happy with "plan B" if you know what I mean.Sounds like you might be dealing with some trama which is bothering you, had you had any past experiences which you can remember associated with sex? You likely have other issues aside from the ADD that needs to be addressed so that you can get over your panic when faced with such situations. Are you seeing a counsler at this time? Thanks for the responses. I understand how it must have sounded, looking back at my post. I don't think that I'm preoccupied with sex if that's how I came across, yeah I'm a young guy and I certainly want to have sexual relations with people. But I don't think that's such a bad thing. What I meant was when I meet a girl and we start getting to know each other over a period of time and I feel that it could develope further, I back off, as from past experiences I feel that I haven't lasted long enough in bed. I'm talking, five minutes maximum. The last girl I was with laughed at me and asked in a shocked kind of way "is that it?". I humourised the subject because I'm embarressed by it, and that's just my way of getting things across sometimes. I understand that most people have this kind of problem at times, but this is every time I have sex. Even in a serious relationship. I'm no longer seeing a therapist, although maybe it would be a good idea to get a re-refferal. I sincereley hope that I didn't come across as immature. Dammit i feel so stupidpretty_lost38160.2853587963

Call me crazy but maybe part of the problem is that you're completely preoccupied with sex. If you see a girl and all you're thinking about is whether you're going to prematurely ejaculate, how do you develop any skills to approach her? Or get to know her better? If all you can think about when you see girls is releasing your tension and then fearing you're releasing too soon, it's like you're predicting the inevitable.

Plus, if you're a young guy I hear this is very common, whether you're ADD or not.

Honestly, you don't have to like this advice or my post but I think the best thing to do is just relax.

Stop thinking of every girl you meet as a potential chance for sex (because it really isn't, the girl may have a boyfriend, isn't interested or just wants to be friends) and it will probably release the anxiety you have about it. If she really likes you, she'll be patient anyway.

No by no means, we all have quirks with couping and a variety of experiences that takes us different ways from the ADD problems.

Think counseling would help, learning to be able to talk about sexuality and not be so sensitive to the subject little lone the physical act. May consider masterbation to help bring yourself out more, maybe expose yourself to more sexual media... I think you have this stuck in your mind as being taboo, and when you are able to talk about it, and seriously look at it as natural you can relax. This along with talking to a counseler about methods you can use to increase endurance.

If you are not sure if you are comfortable with counseling you might start out looking for help books on the matter, but I think in your case talking about it will help bring you out of your shell.

And remember one thing, girls your age are not mature by any means - so please try to lighter on yourself. It is difficult at your age with so much going on as it is with hormones and such changing how you feel to boot.

awww grown up women like me.... we know that the truth is most men can manage about 5 mins - ADD OR NOT! the trick is (as someone said earlier) to make sure that there is.... uhhhh let me put this another way...

Lets say you go for dinner and someone puts a piece of chicken in front of you. Sure it was a nice piece of chicken. tasty and all but with no garnish, no side dishes well it seems a bit unimpressive.

now if there are some cheese and crackers before dinner... then a nice salad.... potatoes and vegetables with the chicken .... followed by dessert...

now THATS a meal!

lol

ladybentley-thanks for the advice, that was reassuring

I'd better pop out to the green grocers!

oh my god where to start on this one?

not b/c i think this is a silly thread but i'm all over the place on this one..my brain!

first off: i agree with kimo...when my husband lasts an inordinate time i'm wondering out loud "is there something wrong with what i'm doing?"

"am i not turning you on?"

etc. and i have to say that my adhd reallly affects my sexual activities and proclivities.

i know that unlike a lot of women probably i'm all about cutting to the chase. i have to force myself to slow down for foreplay. seriously..i have to do all kinds of tricks on myself mentally to not just stop and say "can we ___ now???? NOW?"

i'm immature in that respect i guess.

and another thing: what is this age thing? how old are we people? ages please? since we are saying stuff like " girls your age aren't mature " etc...

what are we talking agewise here? (b/c if you posted it on a former post i've forgotten)

so awhile back (if you've read any of my posts you would know about my elementary dalliances already)

i had a 'boyfriend' of mine from work..(yes extramarital) and he also had adhd. but the thing was..i was all ready to jump off the bridge and experience everything there was to experience with him. he meanwhile held me at bay constantly..believe me when we were in situations that any other man would of taken me. it was very confusing b/c he would pursue me and then as soon as there was an impact..he would withdraw. it was such a torrid game.

i found out later that he had v.d..but still..i'm thinking..why? didn't he even let things happen that would of been relatively minor? oh well.

sumi

FWIW, I remember my husband telling me (I'm pretty sure he was telling the truth here ) that there is a physiological reason that men don't "last long". It has something to do with primitive man and when they were having sex they had to be quick about it because they never knew what dangers were lurking near by and it could be dangerous to get too involved. So it was kind of, well, do it quick and move on before anyone was mauled or killed by an attacker such as an animal or whatever.

So blame it on your primitive ancestors!

And, I can only speak of my own experience here, I really don't like it when my husband lasts a long time! And there are other things to do (like the salad, the appetizer and such) that can keep everyone occupied while waiting for the main course!

Oh, and think of baseball, that works for me!

Kimo - that was so funny, I laughed so hard I was in tears when you got to the part about the mauling, OMG thanks so much, needed that.

pretty lost,

I didn't mean to make you feel stupid. Seeing a therapist could definitely help you.

Having sexual relationships with people is not a bad thing and there's certainly not what I meant to imply. I'm actually not that "old" myself. I say what I think and don't hold back, and I'm beginning to realize that this upsets people because they just want to be supported, not told what to do.

Social isolation has caused me to be unaccustomed to other people's feelings.

Hang in there. This won't last forever.

Cheekydeeky

No worries cheekydeeky!

I appreciate your feedback, I'm feeling pretty sensitive today anyways. Didn't get much sleep last night. Saying what you think and not sugarcoating things can be a good trait. Sometimes I wish I could do that rather then beating about the bush.

Thanks for your post

Take Care

i remember something i saw in a hbo special called first and ten. i believe the line was....."think wicker". just picture wicker furniture and i bet you can go a mile :) i don't think thinking about grandma is a good idea, that could kill the mood all together. the other reasons mentioned are all good ones, however there is another one. i think we are shy and go slower at relationships because we would rather not get too close to someone before we know that we are compatible. being not part of the under-sensitive world, we would rather be cautious and not cause ourselves (and the other person) undue grief. i think becoming friends before lovers is our only viable option, or mine anyway. everything seems so much better when you are friends first, and there is the added luxery of both partners trying harder because of the friendship. I am extremely shy around all people i do not know (well, usually). after observing their actions for a while, i then either decide to open up more to them, or shut them out.

btw, the best response i know of to a quick sexual encounter with someone new is to explain that they are more beautiful than anyone you have ever been with, and you couldn't control yourself.

also, you can try wearing thicker condoms, they reduce the sensitivity. try having sex someplace where you are comfortable being, as this will allow you to hyperfocus without distractions. and if you feel it about to let go, stop moving for a few seconds until it settles down. most of the women i have been with seem to enjoy the fact that we can hardly control ourselves :) it makes them feel attractive, and it should! i can go for hours in the right environment, although i usually need to hold back maybe 20 times during that period. if you can learn to do this, i bet they will beg you to not last so long, as most women (from my experience) seem to get sore within an hour. also, another viable option is Chazinmo's plan "b", and women seem to like that more than the marathon event!

sorry if i offended anyone with this post, i actually never talk about these things in public!
Wile E38160.3745486111

Lizzy - LOL!

Sumi - I just love your openess and honesty! And I want to thank you for that because it seems you feel the exact same way I do and I thought I was messed up or something. But I'm not the only one! This is very comforting to me.

For me, I never had sex as a teenager. In fact, my husband took my virginity! Except for some "messing around" I did as a teenager, I didn't take the plunge until I met my husband.

Pretty_lost - you were obviously worried over nothing! I guess the internet really breaks down barriers of communication being able to hide behind our anonymity (or however it is you spell that). I think it's wonderful!

LOL

this is so funny..the topic is 'guy trouble' and its ended up being this total realization of our womenly adhd sexual quirks..

yes this is the first and only place i've ever dared to admit that i sometimes have an issue relishing foreplay. whenever i would think about it , it was almost with shame. ..like i was some 'underdeveloped' woman emotionally and sexually. so its sooo great to hear that you women feel the same way!

and yes when i was a teen i was voracious. and i know that i have an abnormally high libido mostly.

but there are periods in my life where i feel exactly as i've seen mentioned that it was great during the act..but before and after it wasn't even a subconcious thought..i didn't even care and i literally could see life completely without it. if it wasn't for some s/o in your life waiting in the wings making you feel horrible for not being in the same mood i would of been happy going through life on the smooth plane of existence without that elementary urge and desire haunting me - tearing me down and rebuilding me - i could just coast through life smoothly and getting so much more done!!!

and yes. i swear during oral sex. i am thinking about what color scheme for my bedroom do i really really want? am i really going to do my white plus the orange palette scheme? or am i going to do that with a touch of iris purple? and why do i have to be doing this right now when i could be sleeping watching a movie drinking hot cocoa reading

when i'm really into sex which i am these days i feel like a rutting animal. i feel like all at once that life has played this trick on me. that in some way as we all like to in human terms elevate the sexual act to a higher plane..to a higher meaning

and at the same time

pursue my orgasm like the true animal that i am.

sumi

Excuuuuuuusse me!

This IS the guy trouble thread.

Aren't us women the cause of many "guy troubles"?

When I first put up this thread I was scared that people would be angry that I'd put up a topic about sex! I'm just amazed at the response

It's great to be around so many open minded people who have grreeaaat senses of humour!

P.S

If you've just joined ADHD news message forum and this is the first thread you've stumbled across then welcome, I do however URGE you to check out all the other posts. We're all really nice people and and we do have other stuff to talk about

Nightstar - you're quite welcome! Glad I could help.

Sumi - I'm totally like you. Get to the chase! Plus, I totally know what you mean about when he would last so long I'd be thinking, man, what am I doing wrong? And I would ask if things were okay. Now he's on Paxil and, um, lasts way too long! The first time we had sex after he started that I could barely walk the next day! Sheesh!

Oh, and I'm 45.

[QUOTE=kimo]

So blame it on your primitive ancestors!

[/QUOTE]

Great stuff kimo!! I'm tempted to print that off and carry it in my wallet just for an excuse lol!

So foreplay is the key to this one then? I can understand why people get bored after a long ______, I used to be on venlafaxine for depression and I lasted way too long when I was on that. My then girlfriend used to say that it really hurt after a while. That was the opposite problem. I need to find a balance. Although I've heard a whole lotta stories about meds interfering with sex life. Pretty frustrating stuff.

Oh, I'm 21. So I guess I'm still in the "early learning stages" lol

Dont worry, sounds about right - this is just something I have just learned to live with. Honestly, and this may sound strange coming from a 29 year old guy - im just not that interested in Sex.. I really never have been.

Of course this causes all sorts of problems for me and my girlfriend, but that doesnt matter when you find the right person - you can always find ways of dealing with this problem WITHOUT medication ;)

Peace

oh yes i'm so forgetful..he thought i would overwhelm him b/c i'm so damned intense and he was the walking dead.

Oh I am 32, just flash backs of younger years here, good thing I am married now, likely would of not straighted out at the rate I was going back then.

Ok, I am all over this!! First, I'm 24 y/o. Second... Sumi, you are SO like me in this respect. Really and truly I just want to ____ sometimes. Really! I mean all the foreplay is great and fun sometimes but, I have about 400 other things to do too so let's get our groove on and I've got a busy day!

Yeah and my darling pretty_lost, It's true, all the women that I know don't really care to have marathon men. I comletely agree with Kimo, it hurts after too long. Ways to last longer though are to change positions often, condoms and find a woman who isn't so damn shallow to ask "is that it?" when you're done! And like Sumi said, i really do get to wondering if I'm doing something wrong if it's taking too long! If my guy said he couldn't help himself because I was so hot that would totally make me feel like I've got it going on! Not all women are like me though...

Although Rinner, I am glad that you brought this up... I'm not all that interested in sex either! I thought I was weird... it kills by B/F. I mean I love it while it's going on but I could really take it or leave it. Are you on meds? Since I've taken meds, I can concentrate more on the actual act and don't become distracted by my internal "to do" list or whatever else. But I used to border on nympho when I was in my teens... now I've got the libido of a 90 y/o! I don't get it!!! Guesses anyone???

Lizzy - me too! I'm not really interested in it either! DH and I have been in some bad fights because of it. I'm the exact same way . . . while it's going on it's great. But I just have no desire to persue it. Probably wouldn't bother me if I didn't ever have it again!

And I, too, am like . . . okay, let's go . . . got things to do, people to see! Don't worry about the foreplay honey . . .

Wow - I thought I was the only one in the world like this! Well, according to my husband I am.

Oh my god girlies!!!!! Your posts have just made me realise I am not a big freak when it comes to sex!!! Soooo great to realise that I am not alone!!!!! I have shyed away from this for a long time now.

THANK YOU! now I'm off to find someone willing to let me practice!!! he he he