Girfriend has ADHD? | ADHD Information

I am at the end of my emotional rope when it comes to my girlfriend. After her son was being diagnosed with ADHD, I started to wonder if she also has ADHD. She is 37 years old

There are times when she expresses so much passion and love for me....usually when we are on vacation, or out for a day doing something fun together. But, as soon as we return home, she begins to push me away...not make time for me....not want to be intimate. She almost never will specifically put aside time to be with me...but has a PDA that is always full of things to do. She always seems to have an excuse of being so busy, having so many things to do, and then she stays up all night and winds up getting very little done....and she doesn't even work. She constantly complains about her house being a mess (I dont think it's so bad), she never seems to catch up with mail and bills. Recently she has expressed that "she doesn't know what's wrong with her" and she feels like she is being very selfish....and that she just doesnt want to do anything for anyone but herself. She is a very impulsive person and can get totally engrossed in researching something for days and nights when it peaks her interest, while ignoring everyone in her life. (for example, buying a car...or looking for a new place to live) She is also extremely artistic with art and photography...but like most things in her life, it never gets followed through. She always dreams of pursuing her art and photography...she will sign up for classes....and then eventually not complete them.

I am having a difficult time understanding how she can express so much love and caring for me when we are away from home....and have so much fun together.... then push me away and not make me any sort of priority when everyday life presents itself again. The highs with her are so wonderful....but 9 out of 10 days I am kept on the side. It's an emotional rollercoaster for me.

Wow, from what I know about it this is very typical of ADD women. Try to be patient with the lows, and enjoy the highs for all they're worth. Make sure she understands ADD very well.

Selfishness needs to be confronted, but she will need plenty of patience from you. People with ADD do tend to be selfish. We have strong impulses, and it takes a ton of energy and discipline to tear ourselves away from our desires.

Encourage her to get diagnosed and treated.

*sigh*...

So when you are feeling overwhelmed and/or are caught up in obsessing about something, nothing else around you matters...not even someone who you might claim to love and care about? Would continuously asking to spend quality time together cause you to distance yourself even further?

I really appreciate this insight as the mixed signals are very confusing and hurtful to me....but I love her very much and just want to understand what's going on.  Thank you so much!

Wow...the comment about being on the computer for a week...and then remembering about your boyfriend sure sounds like what I'm going through....every day...every night...and every week! I try to get involved with things that she is interested in just to be able to share some time together, but that doesn't even work. Only when SHE decides that she wants to be with me...will we be together. And then she feels guilty when leaving me hanging. She always talks about how no one can tell her what to do! I've been very patient and supportive up until now, and will continue to be that way at least until I can get it out in the open with her...It's hard to determine how much "space" is reasonable. I hardly ever ask her to do things together anymore, but I do find myself always waiting for her to be available. I understand that you don't need someone to try to change you, which is why it is so difficult for me to even discuss this with her at this time. People will change only when they want to. I'm walking on thin ice with this!    Thanks for your comments....it will help me to hang in there with her having a better understanding that it's not just about me personally.

Welcome to the board Kaykay. What you described sounds, well, a lot like me! LOL. Yes, ADDers do tend to be very selfish - but it's not because we are shallow and insensitive - far from it - we are selfish simply because we get so easily distracted and we are often unable to put ourselves in other peoples' shoes when we need to.

Psychology actually has a term for this kind of selfishness - egocentricity. To give a blunt example, think of a 3-year old who tries to talk (or shout, or scream) at his mother, when his mother is already talking to someone else. The 3-year old doesn't interupt because he's a jerk - he interupts because he wants something NOW and his brain is still unable to process the fact that Mom is talking to someone else and that he should wait.

I'm not saying that ADDers can be compared to a bunch of 3-year olds. But that particular brain process is similar. NOT the same, just similar. We have a very difficult time controlling our impulses - when we want something, we want it NOW. When I become engrossed in a new hobby or game, the rest of the world disappears. Only later does it occur to me that perhaps I should have spent the afternoon watching a movie with my boyfriend, rather than sitting in front of the computer researching god-knows-what subject that has suddenly peaked my interest for the week.

Your girlfriend should try to get diagnosed. With the right help, she can learn to gradually modify her behaviour and be more productive, both physically and emotionally. Be there for her and try to be understanding and supportive. The last thing a person with ADD needs is someone trying to change who they are. Learn all that you can about ADD - "Driven to Distraction", and "Delivered from Distraction", both by Edward Hallowell, are very good books.

I think you have the right to demand some attention, but understand that these projects, though seemingly unproductive, are very important to her. Family and loved ones do matter, but sometimes we do temporarily forget that when our minds are preoccupied.

Another thing to consider, before you just chalk it up to ADD, is maybe the relationship has other problems? Continually asking to spend quality time together, could actually annoy just about anyone if it isn't done right. Make sure you aren't being suffocating. Make sure *you* aren't being selfish too.

We (ADHDers) don't mean to leave our loved ones waiting for a scrap of our time, and undivided attention.  I too, get so wrapped up in what I'm doing, that I loose sight of my boyfriends needs.  I get angry when he tells me I'm getting too wrapped up in some distraction or another.  I feel like hey don't you want me to be happy...I have to entertain my brain... if I don't it drives me crazy.  So the vicious circle goes on.

I'm not much help...BUT... at least you know you are not alone!

Have these problems always been there? Or are they a recent development?

I have to say, I've almost never, with a few exceptions, had a woman break up with me by saying straight out, "I want to breakup." Far more often, they simply become impossible to be around, until I can no longer stand it anymore. That way they can fool themselves into laying the guilt of a failed relationship on me rather than on them.

Yes, it certainly sounds like she has ADHD, or something. Is she
amenable to seeing a doctor?

That said, pay attention to what YOU need in the relationship. She
sounds like a commitophobe. If it's an emotional rollercoaster, and
you're at the end of your emotional rope, then whether or not she has
ADHD may not be relevant. If she's going to get treatment, sure, it might
be hanging in for a while to see if things improve. If not, don't give her a
free pass just because she might have ADHD.

Have you talked about this stuff? Do you think she might be seeing
someone else? Just a thought.dump her and her kid