how to get spouses to understand add | ADHD Information

how do you get your spouse to understand the severity of whaat you are going through? mine always has the excuse of not having time to take the time to understand what i am going through and i am tired of being called crazy. i am so frustrated with it i cant take it anymore. i am ready to call it quits with him.

HELP me help him understand that i am normal and need his help getting through all of this.

maybe he won't go because he hasn't got the constitution for a little introspection. maybe his ego is a house of cards.

are you married to a man, or a boy?

if he ignores it long enough, maybe the whole thing will be gone by the time he fights all those ninjas and aliens he's so taken with.

i am married to a boy....he is far from a man..in my opinion a man would face this head on and be there for the ones they love, but a boy wouldnt.

to top it all off i have a touch of the flu and he is being an ass about that also, as he has had to take care of the kids. i am already a single mom so to speak. so i just dont know what to do.

maybe get some tea, a hot bath, and think of some handsome guy that is happy to 'baby' you for the evening.

it doesn't change the world outside your cocoon, but the reality in our brains is very powerful. positive visualisation and all that.

when they are by choice, daydreams can be a very healthy thing. they can literally change your emotional state. i suspect you already know that from past experience.

take a break. nurse your soul. the right path will open up to you when it is time.

"thank you for listening to me vent....i needed that most of all and the support that comes from this board."

of course, i very rarely vent - NOT! boy that really would be pot calling kettle black - but yeah the support here is great. that's cos ADDers are great hahahahaha

i think the 23 thing might be a lot of the problem.... although i don't know quite how you can solve that except by hanging in there another 20 years by which time he may have grown up. i think 43 is probably a great age for a man --- really.

maybe just go out and have some drinks with your girlfriends and get pissed. if no-one else comes up with better advice - that's about the best i can think of. boy i hope seeker pitches in again soon (or others brookelea, auntie, d-o etc.) - cos my advice is rubbish.

i totally agree with both of you but for going out with friends i amnot aloud to do that ....but thanks for the support...i think i am gonna call it a night b4 i strangle him,,,,i cant handle him yelling at me anymore and i am stressed to the max. if i cant sleep i will be back on here later.

thanks,

rabbit

miss jones- are you still stuck in your self-loathing mode from earlier today?

tsk!tsk!

not allowed to go out w/girlfriends?

most children get over separation anxiety by the age of 3, but 23? i'll bet he has 'mommy' issues.

it is also evidence that you're a good catch. if he can't let you out of his sight... he's afraid a man worthy of you is gonna appear and make him irrelevant.

no, no, no --- that last was a verifiable, genuine truth. i couldn't think of a single useful thing to say.

i am feeling fine.

just a bit exhausted from the crying jag earlier too. boy first me, then brig - it must be in the stars i guess.
oh brig rabbit

i think he is quite mad himself if he doesn't see what luck he has to be married to a sweetie like you. i want to post something useful for you but i am not married and i can't seem to come up with any good ideas.... a book? there is one called "ADD romance" - another poster mentioned it and said it was fantastic for helping her understand her spouse.

a long conversation? a look at this website? i can see i am not being very imaginative ---

a straightforward 'help me don't take the piss out of me' (that's an English phrase btw - which means don't tease me).

i am sure others will have better advice.

we dont do well with long conversations as he cant shut up long enough to listen and i dont want him on here to see what i have said about him when i vented. i though counseling was helping but i honostly think he is putting on a front the whole time we are in there as he hasnt done one thing that was requested for homework or exercized. thank you for the compliment though....i really needed it.

i am so frustrated and cant stop crying and can barely read the board so i am sorry if i dont make any sense at all.

i just dont understand when a man says he loves you he isnt supportive like a spouse should be, emotionally, physically, or in any way....

man he makes me sick at time like these

brig- will he read? 'driven to distraction' is a quick and insightful book. it's by a guy named hallowell. it explains a lot. if you like, i'll send you my copy. really.

does he internet too? there are some quick tests that have been linked in the add story thread at the top of the adult add forums page. they can be taken (at least the webmd one) for people answering questions about someone else.

it's messed up, but so many people don't even believe this exists. that is a huge hurdle. then to be able to admit someone you depend on has it, well, that's a lot to ask.

but keep asking. i would do everything short of holding your marriage hostage. i mean short of mentioning divorce or anything like that for now. from experience, the threat of separation or divorce only inflames every other strain on the relationship, and invokes brinksmanship as the new mode of relating.

you could break up your family before he relents and opens his eyes.

our behaviour looks crazy. it feels crazy, even though it's the only way we know.

if there were away for him to understand you, and as he puts it, your craziness, wouldn't it be a relief to him to get insight from experts?

if he were to read only a little, he might see the both of you in the stories of those of us struggling to cope with our unique brain circuitry.

keep trying. i know you have been trying to manage depression and panic attacks.(am i remembering right?) they are real. you're not 'copping out'. the 'easy way' to live would not be what you're dealing with now.

thanks seeker for the offer of the book but he wont read books, or read anything unless it has to do with playstation, football, or nascar. really. i think he is just in denial, which is such a strain.

my son whom he hasnt adopted yet has adhd/odd and he isnt in denial with that but now that i have add he is in denial, and now our child we have together had adhd/odd and he is in total complete denial...what frustrates me the most with this is that what is the difference? why cant he go to the psychiatrist appointments with us?

i just read what was posted while i was posting.

he obviously won't face the details of more than just your add etc.

i was married to a woman like that. she couldn't admit she was as responsible for the difficulties we had either. it's a tough row to hoe.

p.s.- frequently we men look at being supportive in a much different way than women. he, like me, may not be able to translate his intention into actions that you recognize as supportive. and, no offense, but it seems like most women aren't very good at translating their needs into 'manspeak'. same words, different connotations, different subtleties.(most men don't translate into 'womanspeak' either )

you make perfect sense.... and i do get the "i dont want him on here to see what i have said about him when i vented..."

i wouldn't want my family to read my posts either. it's all so difficult and my brain has finally seized up (it takes a while but it does stop from time to time).

"i just dont understand when a man says he loves you he isnt supportive like a spouse should be, emotionally, physically, or in any way...."

i am sure you can find a way - i am SO hopeless at this, the only people i have ever lived with have been twice as f*****d as i was --- so we kinda banded together two hopeless eejits against the world...

i have no idea what it must be like to live with someone who is even close to normal. all i can say is that i really don't think you are being unreasonable in asking for a little support.... i just don't know how you can ask in such a way to be sure to get it?

writing a note explaining how you feel (wasn't that some sort of Men are from Mars/Women - Venus therapy)?? could that help?

the good thing is he says he loves you --- and that has to be something. maybe he is having some issues of his own, some difficulties that he is having trouble opening up about?

oh good luck rabbit --- i am sure you will find a way through. most marriages go through ups and downs or so i believe and often come out stronger for surviving the tricky times????

don't cry ---

big kiss. cj

i totaly agree with that, but i am one who spells everything out, our counselor told him that there werent many understanding woman out there like me and he should be lucky and change or he is gonna be lonely. i am not trying to brag i just dont like confrontation or arguing and have learned how to make things easier. he is only 23 and i think his immaturity has a lot to do with it. i am 30 and have much more experience than he does in many things. but i do agree with you on how men and women translate things differently

[QUOTE=chjones]you make perfect sense.... and i do get the "i dont want him on here to see what i have said about him when i vented..."

i wouldn't want my family to read my posts either. it's all so difficult and my brain has finally seized up (it takes a while but it does stop from time to time).

"i just dont understand when a man says he loves you he isnt supportive like a spouse should be, emotionally, physically, or in any way...."

i am sure you can find a way - i am SO hopeless at this, the only people i have ever lived with have been twice as f*****d as i was --- so we kinda banded together two hopeless eejits against the world...

i have no idea what it must be like to live with someone who is even close to normal. all i can say is that i really don't think you are being unreasonable in asking for a little support.... i just don't know how you can ask in such a way to be sure to get it?

writing a note explaining how you feel (wasn't that some sort of Men are from Mars/Women - Venus therapy)?? could that help?

the good thing is he says he loves you --- and that has to be something. maybe he is having some issues of his own, some difficulties that he is having trouble opening up about?

oh good luck rabbit --- i am sure you will find a way through. most marriages go through ups and downs or so i believe and often come out stronger for surviving the tricky times????

don't cry ---

big kiss. cj

[/QUOTE]

i guess it wouldnt be so bad if his actions matched his words when he says i love you...we have had more downs than ups....i have been married once b4 and dont want to go through a divorce but i dont want my children to think that cuz theyhave kids they have to be in an unhappy relationship either.

by the way i like the nickname rabbit....lol it is cute

and i am really trying not to cry i just cant help it...

thank you for listening to me vent....i needed that most of all and the support that comes from this board.

Where would I check into to find out @ that ?[QUOTE=seeker63]

not allowed to go out w/girlfriends?

most children get over separation anxiety by the age of 3, but 23? i'll bet he has 'mommy' issues.

it is also evidence that you're a good catch. if he can't let you out of his sight... he's afraid a man worthy of you is gonna appear and make him irrelevant.

[/QUOTE]

you nailed it on the spot he does have mommy issues and she is a witch

[QUOTE=pilgrim]

brigster > Marriage by itself can be tough, with kids can be tough, with kids from other marriage can be tough, when your ADDr-tougher yet, spouse that has trouble understanding your ADDness-YIKES.

Right before I was DX, wIFe talked @ div. She was very UN-happy @ lots of things, everything was mostly my fault. I've been seeing a therapist for a year, two months ago we started seeing therapist together and DW started seeing her on her own. That was good, DW has lootttsss of anger issues to work out. I have lots of being able to trust, being able to express my feeling to DW issues to work out.

As of two weeks ago, therapist says, your really behind in payment {big deductable} lets try to catch up before we meet anymore. HA HA just what I needed.

briggy what I'm trying to say in my usuall round about way, is DH has to want what is best for you, he has to want you to be happy. You need to tell him, I'm not going to talk to you about anything when you are yelling at me, because it makes me feel (_fill in correct answer__ ).

Any therapist will want YOU to get strong and learn how to respond in any un-healthy interaction, be it marriage, work, kids or any life problems that you confront. For me it's painful and diffacult to confront issues that seem stronger and more overpowering than I am able to stand up to.

[/QUOTE]

thanks for the advice and you are right.

i am sorry to hear about your issues in payment. cant you get medical assistance or anything that will help you out? you should check into it.

My husband was realy bad untill he realized I really did have something wrong with me. Now it's not so bad, but for a LONG time I was called "crazy", "dumb" or a varaiety of other things. As is so happens, the add things I do (leaving purse at resturant, loosing keys ect..) are the very things that drive him crazy. It took us a while, but I think we're o.k. now. For a while it was touch an go. Thought of leaving several times. After a while you do start believing it, self esteem took a bit hit for while. To tell the truth ever since I was a child (school was a nightmare). I am tons better now. I have a great job (just got a raise) and things are much better. Meds are helping too. I was kinda diagnosed with add as a child , but it was not talked about much as a child. I so wanted to be "normal" that I was in a kinda denial about having add, and so I never mentioned it to my husband. To me, to admit that I had add was a sign of weakness, I was afraid what people would say. I was even affraid that my dr. would laugh at me when I told him. By the time I got to the dr., I had taken 20 or so on-line tests, and analyzed every symptom. Things got better on all fronts after that.

Oh, and my husband does love the good side of add- being totaly goofy and fun- he liked that I was different too, still does.

cc78 : : : : Glad things are going better now. I'm
sure it was tough having your husband call you
those names {it's called verbal abuse} for so long.
After awhile of hearing ppl label you, it's hard to not
almost start to believe it, or at least some of it.
"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words
will never hurt me". Another of those often repeated
'truths' that are the xact opposite or only somewhat
accurate.
Have you thought @ therapy . . .actually my dh was attracted to me because i was so different than the others..
he didn't know why - he found out years later when child was dx with adhd..

now he laughs and cries..

cc, thats great news.. you didn't let your adhd dictate your life and you have succeeded..

kudos on the payrise.. i wish i had one too!!!

brigster > Marriage by itself can be tough, with kids can be tough, with kids from other marriage can be tough, when your ADDr-tougher yet, spouse that has trouble understanding your ADDness-YIKES.

As of two weeks ago, therapist says, your really behind in payment {big deductable} lets try to catch up before we meet anymore. HA HA just what I needed.

Brig - sorry to hear about what you are going through with your husband. Your original post asked how others got their husband/wife to understand the severity of what we are going through. I got on this board after our daughter was dx, and had suspicions about myself being ADD. I emailed my husband a post that I had read entitled "what it's like to be ADD"...it was one of the current threads. Then I just bombarded his emails with things like that..I asked him if he read them, and he would say yes, or no, or not yet, but I will soon, etc.....I did this for about a week, until I got tired of reading them , too...but I think he finally got the message. Then we ended up talking about it....all the different things i was feeling and why i thought I was add. We just talked it through. there was no name-calling, no judgements, no mud slinging, just true concern and support.

That's how a husband or wife SHOULD react, shouldn't they??? If they truly love you, like someone else on here said, sorry I don't remember who it was now, if they truly love you, they will want what is best for YOU and want YOU to be happy and will be willing to DO what THEY need to do to make it happen. If they won't even read a paragraph for you......????wtf !!!!!

I was married 2x before......my first husband just couldn't deal w/me....although he WAS a jerk, a terrible husband, but I was a bad wife, too.....he said the things that made him love me ended up making him leave me.....isn't that sad......we can be our own worst enemies!! and then my second husband was just plain in "it" for himself..(there was a baby involved) .he couldn't have cared what I did , as long as he could come and go as he pleased, he was happy, well I wasn't happy....so goodbye #2....I was extremely PICKY about #3 .....I pretty much asked him every ? under the sun before I married him.....and we still had a couple of rocky patches...(my past coming back to haunt me, loose ends that I should have tied up a long time ago)...anyway we have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and a half, and I don't know what I'd do without him...

..he has been THE reason I do some of the things I hate to do..because I don't want to hurt him or want him to be disappointed in me..and sometimes the pressure to "do the right thing" is unbearable, but I do it...for him,,which is in reality for me, cause as long as he's happy I'll be happy.....The (longwinded and , sorry, unclear) point I'm trying to make is that you have to give 100% to your spouse and not expect anything in return.....unless there is no "you" to give, which I see is the point you have reached now..He needs to be giving 100% to you .....and taking care of you and when you "come back" you can begin "giving" again..............I hope all of this makes sense to at least someone out there..............I am not an advocate of divorce, but life is TOO short to be unhappy !!!!!!

If he's not willing to even read a frickin article on something that is affecting his family, then he has a serious problem, no matter what his reasoning is, the bottom line is that he just doesn't care......

Brig, I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart...whatever you choose or decide to do, I hope you can find some happiness soon. Keep posting and writing on here...I love to read your posts, you have a great sense of humor!! Please take my "advice" with a grain of salt....we all have to solve our problems our own way...keep us posted...Kimberly

SlugBug38631.9250810185CG78, my husband says the same thing about me! He just saw something different. He told me he thought I was absentminded and forgetful because I had higher things going on in my head rather than the crap other people think about/deal with all the time. I think my ADHD diagnosis may have hurt that idea a bit for him :(

thanks howie i appreciate it...and u are truly right

thanks kimberly...and i didnt think it was bitchy i am open to all responses....thank you and i am glad u could read my posts....it was ambien 10 mg...i needed it so bad as i was averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep anight...just had fun with the side effects....last night till i logged off went to p and ran right smack into the wall.....it was like i was drunk....didnt hur till today though...and it doesnt hurt anymore

another post on sleeping problems is a great idea

OMG !!!! haha..I know it's not funny.....and you really could have been hurt, but i can soooo see myself doing that!!! Glad you're better today..

TTYL..Kimberly

no it is funny actually when u think of it....i laughed my butt off last night when i did it......woke everyone up in the house....that part wasnt funny but i had fun typing like that till i couldnt keep my eyes open any more......

Yeah ...I needed some-o-that last night, too. Hey there Brig - Believe it or not, I could read and understand xactly what you meant.....I'm one of those people who can listen to poeple talk with their mouths full and still (mostly) understand what they are saying, and that's what reading your post was like..man what kind of sleepimg pills to you guys take..I want some !!

Brig _ I hope you didn't think my post was bitchy...that was the exact opposite of what I intended..I guess what I was saying was even if this doesn't work out with this guy, there is still hope.......I was 32 when we met and am 37 now

I'll start another post to ask yall about the sleeping problems

hang in there Brig......

Kimberly

hey brig,

hang in there. you are not alone with this problem. I have a hard time with relationships because I don't seem to effectively communicate what I am going through when I get into a hyper focused state.

I don't want to sound negative, but if your partner is unwilling to read, or listen, or go to counseling you have to ask yourself if you are really getting what you need out of your relationship. I have found myself falling in love with fantasies of people that I had built up, only to feel betrayed and demolished with reality collided with fantasy. It was really their faults as much as it was my own impulsivity and loneliness.

I have found success scheduling "meetings" at a set time where my girlfriend and I would sit down and talk about stuff. Trust me, males don't really like to talk! So rather than spending all of your time trying to talk, just set a date maybe once a week for the two of you to communicate.

The bottom line is communication. If you can't communicate, then you can't really honestly say you trust him.

all the best

howie

[QUOTE=pilgrim] Where would I check into to find out @ that ?[/QUOTE]

local department of human services to see if you qualify for medicaid and if it will cover therapy.....all i can think of at te moment....sorry

plesease dont cry i willl gfinally goet to sleep goongd tonite for the girst time in an long rime....like in mongths

i understood that...

sleep will do you good...

[QUOTE=Brookelea]i feel like crying now

first davieboy, now briggie..[/QUOTE]

Here, I'll send you some.

Drug Name(s) AMBIEN (Brand Name Drug) FDA Application No. (NDA) 019908

Active Ingredient(s)

ZOLPIDEM TARTRATE Sounds like something I'd say: Company SANOFI SYNTHELABO

There are no Therapeutic Equivalents

Translation:

kimberly

firso of all i hope that u van raed this, my slleeping poill has kicked inand i can barely tpye. if u cant i am sure davidornado can help u deciger whar i am avout to say

thank u for uour advivce and concerns...i really appreciate all of u that aresponded....we go to tjerapy at least one a week now an d jhe is much better and gettin educated on it.....i no it is a slow profess but i will for sure keep uou informed....

sorrrru sbout the typos...cant find my backspace vutton...

if u cant read tis ltet me no.

She's playing with my Ambien...

[QUOTE=Davidornado]

She's playing with my Ambien...

[/QUOTE] nuhuh i geter mhyo own....but idf she cant read this help he r out plse.

LOL, OK!

this is how i feoel right now....i am mielting away and dacvie bouy isnt helping me stauy foceused

i feel like crying now

first davieboy, now briggie..

kimberly

firso of all i hope that u van raed this, my slleeping poill has kicked inand i can barely tpye. if u cant i am sure davidornado can help u deciger whar i am avout to say

sorrrru sbout the typos...cant find my backspace vutton...

if u cant read tis ltet me no.