Hi guys
I have noticed that some of you ADDers also have Bi polar symptoms too. Me, not knowing anything about this disorder; I have a question for you. A couple of weeks ago; my neighbor from across the street came over crying, and said his wife had said she wanted a divorce. (I dunno why he came to me?) Anyway; being married for 24 years has taught me a lot about marriage and relationships; so I am trying to keep him in a decent frame of mind; and comfort him as much as a neighbor can. The deal is that he says he doesn't even know who his wife is at this point; and said her family has a history of Schitzophrenea ( spell guess) and BiPolar disorder. She evidently went from a quiet, sweet loving mother and wife; to an outrageous party girl after 11 years of marriage. In fact; she started a relationship with my next door neighbor and flaunts it right out in front of the whole neighborhood. She has manifested one of the filtiest mouths I have ever heard from a female. This is really wierd to me. I don't think I have ever been so repulsed from another persons behavior. (Mostly because they have two little boys who are seeing this display of cruelty) I fully realize that none of you know me or my neighbor or what the husband did before this transformation; but I was wondering if this sounds like Bi polar disorder to any of you. Or....the other more devastating choice....schitzophrenia?
I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar
Which to me to explain what I knew at that time, and felt, is that I had mood swings, that cycled, could go days, months, even years one way depressed, then flip right over to being manic for unknown period of time as well.
Other people could take this to be almost as if the person suffering Bi-Polar had a split personality. In fact I think some actually can have just that. But that is just to show how much of a difference night and day, depression and manic moods can make.
Also the person suffering Bi-Polar is no longer responsible money wise, work wise, nothing. They just want to maintain the high from the chemical imbalancement (well at least in my case I know looking back that is how I was).
I really feel for your neighbor, but even if they treat her, she may never be the same in respects to how their "relationship" was before.
I don't know nothing about the other condition you have mentioned, but if she is Bi-Polar, then she needs to be put on medication "provided that she is willing to be medicated". In my case I did not want to be, why - it takes away from the manic side and leaves a person feeling like a zombie, least in my case it did. And I do cuss a lot myself, have trouble in addition with aggitation, flustration that I easily express when I am not happy.
There are so many emotions that she is just living out right now, that it is out of control and it is going to be hard on everyone to get through this. Sounds like your neighbor is suffering greatly from depression as well and he should seek counseling to determine what to do for his well being first and formost as well as the children.
May be able to force her to be checked into a clinic for treatment, but that don't mean once she comes out that she will be back to what she was before this happened.
I think it will take a combination of treatment for both of them as well as marriage counseling to get through this, but still no guarentees if the marriage will or can be saved.
Sorry to be grim, but wish him the very best and strenght to get through this.
Thanks for the info. I forgot to mention that she isn't open to counseling; treatment; or anything else. She is determined to party, and tells her husband he has no rights concerning this decision. I really feel for the poor guy; and am really starting be totally ticked at her actions; but don't want to discourage him any more than he already is. He has made a miraculous life change for the better in the last 2 weeks himself; so I just keep telling him he is obviously moving forward and bettering himself, and that her side of the relationship is ALL her; and she will need to deal with that herself. He calls me about three times a day to get a "pep talk" . Sometimes I wish he hadn't involved me; but I thought maybe if he could find a possible "reason" for her irratic behavior; at least he could see it from her perspective and maybe understand a little bit; just like us feeling relieved when we were diagnosed with ADD. Having it make some kind of sense seems to help.
gr8art,
Are the kids being openly exposed to this behavior? Your neighbor may need to take steps to get her away from the kids until something can be resolved. I can't imagine how horrible it must be for them to see their mommy acting like a totally different person.
Has he thought about telling her that she could have the divorce if she would agree to 6 months of marital counseling first? He could tell her that he will fight it every step of the way unless she gives it that little bit of effort. It would be a sneaky way to get her to see a counselor but it might be at least a slim chance to get her help. Of course she would have to agree to let him choose the counselor.
This is just a thought but how well do you know them? Is it possible that he was so dominating in the relationship that she just snapped and this is her way of breaking free of the pattern? She may have been quiet and submissive against her true nature, to keep the peace and make the family work, then just reached the point where she realized she couldn't live that way any longer. You see kids go wild when they get out of a very strict home and maybe its along those same lines. Out right rebellion against and unequal and unfair relationship.
I don't envy you! You are in one tough spot! I'll pray for you to have wisdom in how best to help this couple. Barb
You know that might be where she is wrong, if he could proof that she is a danger to herself and others around her, he might be able to "force" the matter of having her placed for treatment.
I know it has to be tremendously hard on you, dealing with someone you hardly know little lone in such a manner to console him. Seems like he is just reaching out and has no friends or family that he feels comfortable with at this time.
I know I would rather go to a stranger myself to talk things through then with family - they can be so critical when you most need them. What you should likely do is encourage him at least to seek counseling (convince him that this would be the best thing in knowing how to be stronger & to provide support for his children at this time).
I have a feeling that he is likely in denial, and has yet to hit bottom with his emotions on this problem. It take a long time when hurt this bad.
Look at this as a personal challenge for you, to face a new situation and learn from it, to be supportive, but project strenght and encouragement. Far better in the end to deal with a bit of uncomfortableness, and have accomplished helping another find their path again in life. Never know what good things will come, hope is a stong thing to recovery when someone is there.
ohhh god. this all sounds sooo damned familiar in so many ways. my father is a schizophrenic. we didn't know until he was incarcerated in fort leavenworth, when he got out seven years later he tried to kill himself by drinking bleach b/c he thought the 'germans were coming ' with biological warfare. (he served 17 years in the army)
i don't think (anecdotally and not a proffessional opinion here) that what she is doing, based on what you are saying is necessarily a schizophrenic behavior. first of all it is hereditary and can come about in times of great stress for those that have a high chance of getting it. i may be a person with a family rife with schizophrenia, but unless my mother had it..i should be free and clear , according to what i've read it passes down from the mother. but hey! i could be faced with a hell of a situation and have a psychotic crack! (i doubt that i've already been through hell and back and i'm so sane its disgusting)
anyway she sounds much more likely to be bipolar. but what nightstar and barb are saying is true. it actually could be both , he could , or the marriage could of been oppressive and now she's going crazy with a lust for freedom. and she could have bipolar on top of that. but in reality he could force her hand into marital counseling and what not-but therapy usually doesn' t work if both parties are not committed to actually working out their problems its just not going to work. how could it?
i really feel ultimate pity for this man and his children. it is horrible to see a man cry. i myself have almost had a divorce in the last few years and it made me suicidal. ahh. sweet memories.
you obviously would have to probe more into the depths of their relationship to really understand what is going on. i would b/c i'm such a damned blunt person and ppl either hate me or love me for it would ask him if anything other than her behavior had changed in their marriage. and is there anything he may have done that would make her rebel so much.
i'm not saying its his fault. i just don't even know. she definitely needs therapy if nothing else and if not for herself at least for the sake of her two little boys. that just breaks my ever loving heart! how selfish!
but i've made my mistakes. there are no easy answers. you can only listen and hope for the best and just try to chin up yourself as you're experiencing the emotional bruising that goes with the territory of watching someone elses' marriage crumble.
marriage endings are a sad sad thing. i never knew how much it could hurt until my own cliff hanging experience. wouldn't wish it on anyone.
i hope that they are able to reach out to each other..and that their sons are able to grow up feeling stable and loved.
sumi
It is really hard not to get emotionally involved in this. I have a new respect for counselors, police officers; paramedics, and anyone who is dealing with other peoples serious problems on a constant basis. How in the world do they keep from being depressed all the time?
I applaud them!
Funny you asked that - they have to seek counseling themselves, just because you are a counsler helping other people realize and address their problems, does not mean they can self counsel themselves.
Causes personal and professional conflict in being honest to resolve issues dealing just with themselves.
Anything can take a strong person down, having to listen to other peoples problems, sometimes can be tramatic if you can't seperate emotions to lend support.
I agree with Barb that something set her off, but can't say what the sorce would of been though, not nessassarily the relationship, but something.
That is a great idea about the conditional counseling, Barb. The kids should be placed in counseling as well as family counseling so to take care of their needs. And moving away from the enviroment to have a new place to recoup and move on would be ideal as well.