My Husband’s Fed up With Me | ADHD Information

hawaii, You did a good thing by coming here to vent. You will find great advice and a lot of support.

I don't know anything about your situation so I won't offer any advice about your marriage. I do hope you are able to work things out and be happy as you both learn to deal with your ADD.

    Barb

 I'm sorry things are going so badly for you.  I think I can understand your pain....I'm in quite a similar situation.  Bless you, and best wishes!

You have come to the right place for support and understanding!!!

Sorry for what you are going thru all of it that is. Maybe him leaving might be a good. thing for now. He needs imformation on add and adhd.I am brand new to this forum.  I was diagnosed with ADD  last month and finally got a second opinion  to prove that I am ADD.  I am married for 5 years with two children.  Now that I have been diagnosed which is a relief and explains a lot in my life...my husband seems to be less supportive of me.  Today he told me "I am sick of you and your sh##" and "I am done with you" all in front of our 3 year old daughter.  The only thing I can function on right now are those words.  I am just hurting so bad, I don't know what to do with myself right now.  Thank you Pilgrim.  I know I will get through this.  I am in therapy and trying hard not to go the medication route.  I have all the classic symptoms  but  as of right now have chosen  to go by a list of what a ADD person can do to try to help themselves without taking meds.  This list was created by Hallowel, the auther of "Living with Distraction."    Today just seems more of a challenge especially  after arguing with my husband this morning, finding out I had a flat tire right before taking my daughter to school and hearing that my dad was taken to the hospital in the middle of last night... I needed an outlet so I found this website.   HI hawaii >    Tell DH, listen to me, What gives you
the right to talk to me that way. Why do you think it's
ok to talk that way in front of our children. If your done
with me, when are you moving out.

Maybe he's in denial and this is his way of handling
it, maybe he's scared about what your DX means.
Can you talk to him @ this . . .

You need to get yourself strong, read all you can @
ADDhD, and their are lots of great books on the
subject also.

Keep us POSTED . . .

we are all here for you, so feel free to post any topic and ask for help, to vent or give info.

i am in a similr situation and i truly feel your pain..

i am sorry to hear you have to go through it too

Hi ragurl...I do agree...it should NEVER happen in front of our children.  He just didn't seem to care.  After, I bent down to tell my three year old that everything is okay and sometimes people get upset and say the wrong things.  I was a witness to all my moms abusive behavior to my father and I don't ever want to put my children in that enviornment.  My mother and I stopped speaking to each other many years ago.

Our argument started out over something very stupid and remedial but I was trying an approach my therapist recommended.  Anyway, he took it the wrong way and went too far.  For the past month  - since I have been dianosed, he really was trying to be more supportive.  For some reason, he blew up this week and  all over a misunderstanding.  I just need to learn how to say, I am going to give myself a time out from you before something hurtful is said.  That is something else my therapist recommended.  I can't wait to see her next week.  Too bad this happened the day after I met with her.   This is really going to be a work in progress these next couple of months.   Thank you for understanding ! Eadain, my husband and I would get into fights about why I  am so unorganized and forget things like appointments or daily things like taking dry cleaning to the dry cleaners, or leaving  something cooking on the stove  to go  outside and water plants, when I came back into the house, I would wonder "what is that smell."  I think I could go on for hours.  After I read this book, I am giving it to my husband.  It should be good  bathroom reading for him anyway.  Sorry, if i offend anyone!

My husband would call my organizer an unorganizer because he couldn't figure out how I can stuff so many notes in a notebook.

whoops! i accidentally posted a response for hereon another thread.

that joke about the gardener- i've heard it b4, but it still maes me laugh out loud!

aha --- i see.  was a little confused by that. 

ah well quel surprise (not) or as Davidornado would say "how very ADD of you"




(just teasing Davido )
marriage is very tricky it seems.  i am glad i am not married.  i would fight ALL the time i am sure.  stupid marriage. 

what you need to say is --- well if YOU would get it together and become a billionnaire then I could afford a maid, nanny, secretary, cook, gardener, chauffeur etc.  and all these things would get done - end of problem. 

that reminds me of a terrible joke:

there is a billionnaire falling on hard times and he turns to his wife and says "darling, if only you would learn to cook we could fire the chef and save some cash"  and she replies "well, if only you would learn how to f***, then we could fire the gardener too"

oops!

anyway hope the alternative/natural path goes well for ya.
[QUOTE=Jillette]Marriage is a for better or for worse and he sounds like a jerk.  You deserve better.  I do not have ADD but my  husband does and my child has ADHD so I do understand.  I have been married 10 years and at times is a struggle but for better or for worse and if there is love anything is possible.  Good luck.  Leave information around for him to read.  Jill[/QUOTE]

I can't say I know what Howaiia is feeling, b/c I don't have a husband fed up with me (thank God!!!), but I do have a swife that is fed up with me. I think I deserve better, too.

I'm quoting Jillillian here b/c I really think she married me for Better and for Better, and for Health and for Wealth. When things didn't work out that way, like my bankruptcy and mental disability and great debating skills, she checked out and left me in the Hotel California.

As I believe in love, too, I have remained, and remain involuntarily celebate. I'm like the kitty in the picture hanging on to a curtain by one paw. 'Cept mine is customized by being a large mountain lion, hanging onto a skirt by one claw of one paw.

OMG! I think in paragraph 2 I just indicated that Jillilian really married me!!! What is it with me and words? Is this an ADDed think I have to worry a/b? I better go snoot some coffee...
  Thank you everyone for your response.   I haven't yet talked with him about it too much yet because this thing with my father is consuming me right now.  I am not going to let it go away either.  I guess I will have to start really showing him that what I've got isn't going to go away and the only way he can help is to be supportive of me.  I'll keep you posted but I really appreciate all your sincere responses.  I guess misery loves company.

 I do enjoy reading whay you all have to say in the other topics and relate very much!

Thank you again!  Heidi
misery does love company and you need to stop yourself from falling into that 'pity me' mode.. when we fall into that, ppl walk all over us..

adhders need to empower themselves and not allow ppl to make them feel bad..

i'm truly sorry for what you are going through..  just don't let him get the better of you.. you are the same person that you were before the dx..

Hawaii--that is not right to talk to you about marital problems in front of the kids. Is that his usual mode of operation or was it in a moment of frustration?  For us, when things start heating up and our kids are around, we make a point to table the "discussion" until they are away or in bed. I saw all my parents fights as a kid, and I hated every minute of it.

Your hubby may not know what he is supposed to do to help you. He may not understand ADD. Or he may just be resentful for feeling like the only responsible one. Have you had a talk with him about how you feel, what goals you have together, setting some ground rules?

As the wife of a newly diagnosed ADD'r, my best advice for you is do what you can to hlep YOURSELF. Nothing my husband SAYS can change the way things have gone for the last 10 years, BUT when I SEE him DOING things differently--trying new approaches, admitting problems instead of avoiding, attempting real solutions instead of avoiding, or covering up, this is when I most want to help him and make our marriage work. When I see these things, and him reading up on ADD, going out for a walk, making phone calls to a counselor instead of making excuses, I believe that he really wants to work on things.

Sweetie--don't be afraid--I was in the same situation. 

I chose to go on meds because staying at home just does not have enough structure for me.  There is no ending point, no end of business, no set lunch hour, & certainly no direct instruction or orders or guidelines to follow.  Tending a home is way too open-ended for me:  The laundry keeps getting dirty & my family keeps eating off the plates for cripes' sake--what are they thinking--I just did the dishes!

Anyway, I'm really glad I take Adderall--it didn't change how I feel about myself, or my "Up / Positive Attitude / Energy" I have all the time (which I was afraid of losing, because my Psych said it's not normal)--the Adderall actually helped rid some of my most self-destructive behaviors, but mostly, because I can "think still" (for a moment) I've learned to see how much my husband needs me emotionally, and as much as that grosses me out, the more I force myself to try & sit still and listen to muy husband's needs (without entertaining other thoughts obviously, in my head) the nicer he has become.  I'm aghast at how our once I-get-to-go-to-Jail Domestic Violence realtionship is now like the Brady Bunch.  Funky & weird to me, but it's what is best for our twins & through much prayer I know God is the only one who could have orchestrated a change this wild. 

Also, not that you want to, but reading Doctor Laura's "Care & Feeding of the Perfect Husband" (or "The Perfect Care & Feeding of a Husband"?) is supposed to cure any man-complaints they can come up with.  I haven't gotten the book yet, but have heard miracle-stories about resuts afterward.  Believe me, the last thing you want to do when you're filled with hate & want to kill the guy you married is read a book about how to be nice to him, but read it just to piss him off if you're in a mood--leave it lying around for him to see that you're reading how to take care of him (even if you're not reading it) & see what transpires . . . and PRAY!!!

i know from experience - and being the guilty party myself- that that type of talk is not only damaging to you, but your little one too.

i wish i could undo all the terrible things i said to/about my ex in front of the boys. i did not think at the time that it mattered. i mistakenly thought my feelings, my right to express myself honestly, were more important.

but in those years since, it has come back to haunt me, and as the boys have grown, they made it clear to me how hurtful it was to them.

it takes a lot of self-discipline, but your husband needs to 'get it' that fighting and verbally abusing you in front of the kids is as bad as slapping them around physically.

[QUOTE=hawaii]Thank you Pilgrim.  I know I will get through this.  I am in therapy and trying hard not to go the medication route.  I have all the classic symptoms  but  as of right now have chosen  to go by a list of what a ADD person can do to try to help themselves without taking meds.  This list was created by Hallowel, the auther of "Living with Distraction."    Today just seems more of a challenge especially  after arguing with my husband this morning, finding out I had a flat tire right before taking my daughter to school and hearing that my dad was taken to the hospital in the middle of last night... I needed an outlet so I found this website.   [/QUOTE]

Hey, I just bought that book, waiting for it to arrive as we speak. I understand how you feel about what's going on. I have two small children and a hubby who doesn't understand why I can't finish things, like cleaning etc. We are tiffing as a matter of fact, right now.

Marriage is a for better or for worse and he sounds like a jerk.  You deserve better.  I do not have ADD but my  husband does and my child has ADHD so I do understand.  I have been married 10 years and at times is a struggle but for better or for worse and if there is love anything is possible.  Good luck.  Leave information around for him to read.  Jill [QUOTE=Jillette]Marriage is a for better or for worse and he sounds like a jerk.  You deserve better.  I do not have ADD but my  husband does and my child has ADHD so I do understand.  I have been married 10 years and at times is a struggle but for better or for worse and if there is love anything is possible.  Good luck.  Leave information around for him to read.  Jill[/QUOTE]

Hi Jill, what kind of reading material do you suggest.  What has been beneficial for you being a spouse of an ADDer?