sustaining a relationship | ADHD Information

Would you do therapy with ADD part of the mix if'/when $ was not an issue . . .

seeker > > > I half jokenly say , I never leared how to talk to women until I got married !  Our past molds us somewhat to what we are, and if we can't get out of that we can be stuck in it.      Repeat after me---THERAPY IS GOOD, THERAPY IS OUR FRIEND.    

mY therapy is on hold right now due to -$, but that makes me try to get a handle on my finances even more becasue it's been a lifeline in a sea of darkness and confusion.  

Was it Plato who said, the unexamined life is not worth living, {i don't necassarily totally agrree,but it has some truth}.  I might say, the uninvolved life is not worth a heck of a whole life. 

I would rate my social skills at about a minus 3 on average. On a good day about 1.5, on a bad day minus 12. 

Hope some of this  is helpful and/or makes any sense.   

 

hey pilgrim-

i'm not sure it's that i don't know how to talk to women, as much as i don't wish to talk much to anyone.

being in a poor frame of mind, esp. a lot lately, i really do not feel comfortable being open even with my small circle (more like a rectangle) of close friends.

don't really want anyone in this sinking boat with me.

i have done therapy, but not with anyone, or me, knowing about add. currently, like so many others, $$$ is a major issue too.

as for plato, i have been feeling like more examination of this life of mine will cause the need for a bigger bilge pump- the water looks as if it is coming over the rail already.

thanks for reaching out, just the same.

storm -

councilling couldn't hurt - you probably need to find the reason behind your looking for more and more excitement in relationships.  That's an adrenaline thing and it could have roots in your ADHD for sure.

There are tools I'm told in therapy to help you find satisfaction with the everyday events in a normal relationship.  Eventually all relationships become stable and less of a rush - that's normal.  Even non-ADHD people end up finding things droll and uninviting after months or years.  So you don't have to feel abnormal!!

Personally I've always been averse to adrenaline.  I like a relationship to be more like comfy slippers than fireworks.  The ladies have always abandoned me for a combo of the loss of excitement and my annoying ADHD tendencies - but I'm confident there's ladies who are looking for something less frantic just like I am.

 

- Glen

hey thanks for all yalls advice, guys.. does anyone know if theres any way
to do therapy online? .. or is that just a joke? i have money issues too..

Boy can I relate on this one.

I use to date for a couple of weeks/months and then breakup because I was bored.  At the time it was considered cool for a guy because it was a macho thing (ya know score as often as you can).  But it wasn't really, since it usually turned out to be a physical thing and no substance to sustain the relationship.  Then when I turned 28 I met my first wife.  She was very different than anyone I had ever dated.  Needless to say,  we got married and stayed that way for 12 years until she died.  Then I met my 2nd wife also a lady very different than anyone I had ever dated.  We are now celebrating our 11th anniversary. 

My point is that as an ADHD challenged guy I was able to move from weekly relationships into two very long term relationships.   I attribute the success to two very smart, beautiful, sexy and unique women who also turned out to be my best friends.  Don't give up hope, just breakout of the mode you are currently in.

Remember, if you want a hamburger go to McDonalds but if you want a steak go to the best resturant in town.

Paul

 

 

hello 7890

perhaps i am fairly prudish, i don't know, but i would say it is not healthy
--- physically, mentally, spiritually to be constantly giving your heart and
body away. that it is self-destructive behaviour.

there's nothing wrong with it if you feel happy with it --- but you seem
as if you are not so happy with it. so i would go with the others and
suggest looking into counseling. you are quite young i guess so it might
just be that...???

but better to take it slow --- find a guy, don't rush into a physical
relationship, take some time to know him first and then decide whether
you want to take it further. it sounds as if it is somewhere an issue of
self-respect and self-esteem - as well as the adrenalin rush thing -
something we add-ers all have had dented over the course of time.

good luck with it.   

i don't have trouble sustaining relationships. you have to get into relationships to have something to sustain!

i'm just stupified when i read about how people have relationship after relationship. unbroken strings of romances.

i have sadly(?) spent much of my life uninvolved. i wonder what sort of damage i have suffered, what defecits i have, that make me a) oblivious to the clues a woman is interested, b) generally unable to spend much time interacting with people, esp. in group settings, c) esp. since my marriage and painful divorce 10 yrs. past, hesitant to even pursue these entanglements.

tho not 'officially' diagnosed, i see in myself all the main traits of adhd. and it does go back to when i was very young. my mother can't help me for that part of my life, as she had her own difficulties in paying attention to us.(my father was one of those difficulties)

now, at 42, i am socially inept in so many ways. w/o meaning to, i make all kinds of people uncomfortable w/ me. that's when i'm not pissing them off by challenging their superfluosity and general ignorance, or being unable to hide my boredom.

any thoughts, friends?  

hey, thanks.. maybe i should think about councelling or sometihg.. ive
always been suspicious of it though- thanks for the advice!

storm -

I hear a lot about some of us with ADHD going into serial relationships - moving on when the adrenaline rush and the surge of hormones are gone.  Many of us live for that rush and without it we go looking again without hesitation.

Are you on meds?  Are you in councilling?  These could help you with the urges we get to do things that are self-defeating.  You have to learn to do things that other people take for granted - like working through things rather than abandoning them when they get uncomfortable and are no longer fun.

Also - make sure you disclose your ADHD to your new guy right away - and explain that some things about you might make you run or do inappropriate things.  Then - if the guy sticks around they might be in the right mind to help you stick it out - or at least not be surprised if you run.  Also - if you feel it's special and good for long term - you might just take him with you to your councilling so you can build new ways to make it work together. 

Just a thought - get any help you need to get happiness to stick around!

 

- Glen

many adhders end up in long lasting relationships.. i've been married for a decade and that alone should be living proof ..

glen's spot on.. you do need to see what you can do to improve your life..

good luck!!
I love to read to a fault. I have been known to read to avoid doing boring stuf like housework i have a problem w/relationships.. maybe. What happens is i meet these
great guys, we go out for a while, i really like them, my friends think the
guys a great catch and he'll be perfect, yet, after a couple of months or
sometimes less than that i will get so bored and ill have to go find
someone new and ill break up with the guy. then later ill look back and
be like, you idiot why did you do that? there was no reason to break up
with him! whatever it is, now im almost terrified of committing to an
exclusive relationship cuz i know im just gonna break it off in a month
and hurt him.. im hoping that maybe its just a stage im going through
and ill mature- i am in college so maybe i just dont want to commit to
sometihg cuz i want to see whats out there. But then i worry that its my
adhd and that ill never be able to commit to someone for the long term..
even into my adult years! is this normal? has this happened to anyone
else?

[QUOTE=storm7890]hey thanks for all yalls advice, guys.. does anyone know if theres any way
to do therapy online? .. or is that just a joke? i have money issues too..[/QUOTE]

I know there's on-phone therapy now.  Many psychologists are now carrying on practices that just do that.  Internet therapy? Why not!  Not like you really have to be there - though I think the ability to see how one reacts to things would be good when giving help like that.  I'd do a google search for internet therapists and see what you get.  They should be cheaper - I would think so!

 

- Glen