Stay or go . . . | ADHD Information

If he wasn't always mean and nothing seems to be working for his depression now, has he been physically examined for things like brain tumors or whatever else could cause the behavior? What meds is he on? Could one of those cause his attitude. I know my husband was on a pain med once that made him so mean I told him it was either the med or me!

I'm just wondering if all the bases were covered as far as something causing his behavior.

If they were, then I stand by my original opinion that you should protect your son and yourself by leaving.

Heidi -

Dav wrote that he could send some $. I think that is so sweet..I can send some, also, if you need or want it ........I'm sorry I can't be there in person to help you, but Maine is a long way from TN. You need a friend. When you feel like you can, move on. Please listen to us. Even though we are not there with you, we are there in spirit. I've been thinking about you the last 2 days, even when I was out eating dinner last night I was telling my DH about your situation. Even though we are just black (or blue ) words on a blue background we are all flesh and blood people and honestly care about you and your son. I am crying as I write this..I wish so badly I could PHYSICALLY help you, be there with you, talk to you one on one, hug you......

It was very hard for me to leave my dd"s father...everybody was telling me to and I resisted...I thought I was the "bad guy" 'cause he was going through something bad and I was the "wife" and was supposed to "stand by may man" no matter what......That's the way we're taught.....but there comes a time when you have to put your child and yourself first. and I know you are, or you would't even be considering leaving. I know the feelings of guilt first hand......and it IS hard to live with. I decided it would be easier to live with the guilt of leaving my husband when he needed me than to live with the guilt of putting my daughter in harm's way....when I looked at it that way, there was NO comparison.......It doesn't make it any easier..guilt is guilt..and things usually get worse before they get better......but it DOES get better with time ..and when you realize that everything is better in the long run , the guilt will subside...and you will realize that you did what you had to do..and you are stronger to have come through it......I 've been through a lot of things in my life that I thought was actually going to kill me ......and at some points I really thought I didn't care if I did end up dead...but now I look back and realize that I am such a strong person now.......I have a wonderful life now, a wonderful husband, a new nice house a new nice car..am not rich, but am able to pay my bills (most of the time) haha.. and if things are meant to be with your husband, then he will come around and do what he has to do, and if not, you will be OK !!!!!!!!!

I DO have a lot of "emotional baggage" as they call it....and it's something that will hit me out of the blue sometimes and I will think about something bad that happened in the past, but the moment is here and gone.....I try to not dwell on it and I look around and think..man...I never thought I'd be here.........I'm 37 years old.........have been married for 3.5 years now and it took until my early 30's to get my life in order.....and sometimes I look back and regret all the years I wasted with my x's, but then I remind myself that if I hadn't been through that, then I wouldn't be here now.....so all in all I wouldn't change a thing.....

If I can do it, so can you!!!!!!! Please have faith in yourself. If you don't then we do....... Please keep us posted ... believe me, I'll be thinking about you and will check the board as soon as I get home....if you need time to think about HOW you are going to leave, I understand that , too, luckily we had family that we moved in with. If you come to a time or place that you can get out and need $, please let me know, seriously......... Take Care !!! Kimberly

HeidiMarie,

Hey girl! I'm sorry I didn't see your post before now. I'm so sorry you are going through all this.

If your child is hearing these things from his father, they are getting recorded in his subconscience. The subconscience will hold on to them and believe them. He needs to be in a safe place to be a little kid.

Here is something you can do that will put all the responsibility on the shoulders of your husband.

Talk to him. Tell him that telling your child he is unwanted is cruel and unacceptable to you. Tell him that physically abusing your child is wrong. DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND.

Tell him that if he crosses the line that you will leave. Period. The next time he says that the child is unwanted in front of him, leave. Or if he is physically abusive to him, leave. You have lots of options as far as where to go. You can go to an abusive shelter, a church, there are many places that help abused families. Or you can tell him that you will call social services. They have programs, or the military, like was mentioned in previous posts.

You can also tell your husband, that you will only come back after he goes to counceling. Then if he follows through with that, you can go back, but DRAW ANOTHER LINE. If the abuse continues, then leave.

That is my advice. It may not be the best. I would take the best from everyone's postings and pray. You will know what you should do.

I am so sorry you have to go through all this.

Heidi--RUN!!! The emotional damage he is doing to your baby can't be undone--it will only get worse!! It is likely to turn physical. Give your boy the life he deserves!

If you can't think of yourself, think of your child!!There are shelters in every city for abused women and children. They will help you. Your husband will have to deal with this, you can't fix him. We change when we have enough compelling reasons to. Godspeed, girl.

Hi, sorry it took so long to respond since my last post. DH had a breakdown and we talked. I told him that as much as I loved him and wanted to help him, he needed to be a willing partner too, and if not, we were going to leave. We're both going to work at things -- for instance, he was raised in a happy, loving, not to mention spic-and-span household. I'm no housecleaner. My house may not be dirty, but it is a cluttered mess. He says the clutter bothers him alot -- and agreed that he doesn't do much either to change it. I explained that as hard as it is for me to do housework, its even harder when you have a 21 month old to care for all day, on top of running a household with only one functioning adult. He also said he didn't like my negativity, and I admit I am a negative person. I never thought I was that bad, I was raised in a family where my mom was physically and emotionally abusive, and me and my siblings developed a cynical sense of humor to get through it. I need to work on it. We're both going to work at it, and we've given ourselves a deadline. By January, if things aren't better, Jerry and I are leaving. Once again, thank you all so much for your advice. It really is overwhelming, all of the support you've shown me. I don't have any friends in RL, especially here in Northern Maine far from my family . . . But it is very good to know that there are people who care. It is very, very touching. You guys really have helped me, otherwise I'd still be going through the cycles, hoping things would change themselves. Now, if we can't fix this, we will end it. hey sachetm, good advice...

". . but then the comment today, makes me think I'm just delusional . . . "

I know you don't know me and have no reason to listen to me, but have to say that I agree with you. And I did read your post about your talk with your husband. You certainly sound delusional (as in unrealistic, wishful thinking) to me.

You also sound like many abused (emotionally) women who have convinced themselves they can't manage without some man or other in their life. You've bought into the myth. Not only is it decidedly NOT true, but like just about everyone else has said, you're exposing your child to irrepairable damage. And don't think he doesn't understand because he's just a baby. Our survival instincts depend on the facility to "get" Mom and Dad. Exposure to much more of that level of abuse and he's going to grow up with as little self-esteem as his parents. Do you want that for him or do you want him to grow up healthy and happy?

Your husband is NOT going to change no matter how many talks you have until he sees the need to do so for himself. Not for your sake or his child's but for himself. That's just the way it works. Nothing you've said indicates that he's anywhere even close to wanting to. He may not want you to leave but he also doesn't want to get his act together. It's only a matter of time--weeks at best--before things will return to their usual. Change is hard, even when it's strongly desired. This man just isn't there.

I'd say you need to go back to your family and get as much social assistance as possible. Focus on yourself and your child and let your husband deal with his own issues. He's the only one who can. The same is true for you. Sadly, your son has to depend on you because he has no other choice--unless you're willing to let him be adopted. But it doesn't sound like that's where you're at.

I wish you good decisions.

Heidi, if you MUST, write down some rules for yourself and for him.Starting with the emotional and physical safety of your child ie; There will be NO verbal or physical abuse. Define this very specifically if you must. Then leave if the rules get broken, January is a long time if your child or you is getting abused. Post the rules where you and he can see them.

My other advice, make up a Bill of Rights for Heidi. ie;I deserve a loving relationship. I deserve a safe haven as my home. I deserve to have my needs met, and my needs are:__________________________. List it all out. Whether it's 10 or 50 things you need. Post it where you will see it several times a day. Are you or he getting counseling???

heidi,

my hubby and his siblings were raised in a similar way.. father was emotionally abusive..
all four siblings agreed that their mother failed them by moving out earlier..
she left it until the kids had grown..
now all four kids have severe self esteem issues, lack of confidence and a plethora of other issues..

my hubby is probably the best out of the lot because he doesn't seem to have the same sensitivity issues as the others.. again that goes back to being raised in an abusive environment.. he is the only sibling that still speaks to his father.. its a once a year call...

you have a gorgeous beautiful little boy.. its your duty to give him a loving caring environment.. money does not ensure that he will have that.. but you can...

i hope that everything works out for you and your son...

heidi i also agree with sachtem.....i hope u arent taking what is said the wrong way as we all are worried about you....you can do it....you have survived the worst thus far....but do as david said and put money aside and in the meantime find someone such as family or friend that is willing to let u stay with them till u get on your feet....but dont let hubby know what u are doing untill it is done....if he gets angry we dont want him abusing you physically. emotionally is bad enough but you dont need the physical abuse as well.

hope all of us have helped u and put some light in your life...keep posting so we know how u and your child are doing and if their is anything else we can do to help....

best of luck to you....you can do it...you are strong, smart and intellegent...and there is someone out there for you that deserves you....but right now concentrate on yourself and your child as that is the most important thing right now.

you are in my prayers....

God bless you and your child!

Hei Hei,

Good girl.

Set aside a set portion of each income check as a contingency fund. You're on the right track, already ahead of us.

Stay strong, but sensitive, and whatever it is women do so well.

David

P.S. In your bill of rights insist he gets counseling and takes meds. And gets a job, or develops some sort of supportive, dependable income, or works towards it such as online schooling. Maybe he can design video games, or work in the computer indsutry, or electronics repair. Best wishes for him, too. Sounds like he's escaping from something in his addictive gaming.

[QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]Hey Heidi, we've never really spoken.. hello there.
Two year olds have ears. Three year olds have better ears. By the time the kid is 4, he'll be crushed if you don't do something. That's so sad. Disorders might be a reason for that kind of behavior, and you can subject yourself to that kind of thing, but there's another person in the picture who's depending on you to make good decisions. If you stay with the man because you are scared of loneliness, just remember that you are putting yourself before your child, and think about what that means about you and your priorities...sorry, it's just so awful what you must be going through, I can't even imagine. He didn't even apologize, did he? You can't let your son grow up to be someone else's project! Please!
Amanda

[/QUOTE]

Garbagepailkid said it ! I believe if you do not take a stand & protect your child someday hes gonna want to know WHY! "WHY didn't my mom take me out of that situation? Didn't she love me enough to save me?"

I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but as a parent your first priority is that child. Hes too little to save himself, but YOU have the power to save him!

Heidi-- I just saw your post--is that a picture of your son-- he's beautiful!

I'm probably repeating what most everyone has said, but really, I have seen many friends go through simmilar situations, and the amazing part is, when they are going through it, they can't see what's obvious to friends. Please believe us when we say that this situation is NOT your fault. However a child comes into this world, once he/she is here, the child has a right to be loved and cared for--and your son deserves no less. It breaks my heart that he feels his daddy doesn't love him--and yes, he can sense that, even at 2.

I don't know the whole situation, but from what it seems, your husband has emotionally drained you and manipulated you to beileve that

1-this whole situation is your fault--it is NOT--he is in control of his behavior. Granted, depression can take a toll on people, but ultimatley, treating others like dirt is a choice. He has no right to say that type to stuff to your son. And remember, you had a right to keep your son, and he agreed to it--so he made that choice as well--he can't "blame" you for it.

2-you aren't worthy and a complete faliure--this is so far from the truth. Honestly, I can't even imagine doing what you are doing--I would be a mess--you're supporting an emotionally abusive adult, caring for your child, and holding a job--that's a lot--you're doing better than most.

Also, it's classic for men (and maybe women??) to control their SOs by making them believe they are unworthy of love--don't believe it--I think the responce on this forum is testement to how many people care about you.

I understand that you care for your husband, but I wonder if what he needs desperatley is a kick in the pants before he can shape up. Right now, he has no motivation to change--he has it pretty good-- he gets to play games all day while someone else supports him. He just might need for you to leave him to realize what's at stake. Also, if he's by himself, he might need to get up and find a job..... Your leaving him could be the best thing for him-- and for you and your son. And if you honestly fear tat he could harm himself, call 911 or a hospital-- they will take care of things--this is something out of your control.

I'm sorry this is getting so long-- I am praying for you-- you and your son could have so much more, and I hope you're able to get the help you need.

I googled some shelters for women in Maine-- I don't know where you live, but I'm sure the hotline will be willing to help you. Please keep us posted.

Women's shelter hotline in Maine: 1-800-522-3304

Comprhensive site for women in crisis: http://www.absolutewoman.net/maine.htm

Best of luck!

happycat38640.9041435185Heidi, I'm rootin for ya.

Heidi,

What is it exactly that your husband agreed to work on?

I noticed you mentioned the messy house and that he admitted he doesn't help much in that area but you also seemed to take most of the blame for that. And that you were negative. Sounds like you only talked about what is wrong with you.

I sure hope, from other posters advise, that you at the very least got him to no longer shove his son out of the way or say bad things to him. At the very least.

But the truth is, it almost sounds like he turned things around on you. And that is really bothering me!

[QUOTE=HeidiMarie]Hi, sorry it took so long to respond since my last post. DH had a breakdown and we talked. I told him that as much as I loved him and wanted to help him, he needed to be a willing partner too, and if not, we were going to leave. We're both going to work at things -- for instance, he was raised in a happy, loving, not to mention spic-and-span household. I'm no housecleaner. My house may not be dirty, but it is a cluttered mess. He says the clutter bothers him alot -- and agreed that he doesn't do much either to change it. I explained that as hard as it is for me to do housework, its even harder when you have a 21 month old to care for all day, on top of running a household with only one functioning adult. He also said he didn't like my negativity, and I admit I am a negative person. I never thought I was that bad, I was raised in a family where my mom was physically and emotionally abusive, and me and my siblings developed a cynical sense of humor to get through it. I need to work on it. We're both going to work at it, and we've given ourselves a deadline. By January, if things aren't better, Jerry and I are leaving. [/QUOTE]

that's great, heidi - i'm so pleased for you both (you three) that you managed to address it.

i hope you can try to work together as a team to really try to turn things around and make all of your lives so much better.

but if not, then i hope that these few months will empower both of you to instigate changes and start afresh. give yourselves some hope and energy and a clean slate.

people are amazing, what we can do with a different mindset is incredible. i wish you both so much luck. xxxx cj

and you know, no matter how what you can always vent here, right. cos we LOVE your cynical sense of humour!!!!!!!!

chjones38640.9187152778thank you all so much for your advice . . . i'm so down right now, it just feels like such a death trap... who am i kidding, i can't go anywhere. i'm unemployed i cannot afford the gas to make the over 2,000 mile trip to louisiana to my family. and then what am i gonna do there? i cant live with them theyre bout as poor as i am with 6 kids living at home... they cant help... i should of stayed in louisiana in august when i had the chance.... i made the mistake of trying to read the scarlett letter for my english class while he was playing his nintendo ds.. just wanted a few minutes to try and get something done im 4 days behind...jerry messed with his dad, his dad grabs him roughly by the arm and shoves him away, saying something about kids are the worst thing to ever f**king happen to a person.. WHAT THE HELL???!!! I AM THE ONE WHO IS RAISING THIS FREAKING KID NOT YOU!!!!!! PLAY YOUR GODDAMN NINTENDO SOMEWHERE THAT HE CANT FREAKING REACH YOU!!! HE JUST WANTS TO PLAY WITH HIS FREAKING DADDY YOU WORTHLESS ASS HOLE!!!!!! YOU DO NOTHING FOR HIM ..... I had to take Jerry and bring him upstairs and we're closed up in his room so he cant bother his daddy... thats how it always goes... we leave the house and go thte park, or go play in his room, ony time we can be downstairs in the living room is if hes in the dinign room on his computer....The saddest part was his daddy was just so mean to him and as we climbed the stairs he yelled off the steps "I LOVE YOU DADDY" ... and got no reply. and i hate it so much here in maine... i dont know anybody, i'm so far from anyone or anything i know . . . we were originally moving to louisiana when i got out of the navy... had a mortgage in the process, everything... lost 0 on the down payment when the husband decided to come out one day and tell me he didnt want to live near my family..... we had to find somewhere we BOTH could live with... which basically meant i had to find the perfect place where HE coudl be happy.... my family was so hurt i had been gone for 4 years.... i dont know what to DO.

I know I'm not saying anything everyone else hasn't already said but maybe just one more person will get it in your head that it is not your fault he is the way he is. YOU DID NOT MAKE HIM THE WAY HE IS!!!! And I am almost 100% certain he wouldn't ever kill himself. Didn't you say that he says you "trapped" him. Well, untrap him. And you can do it.

Do you have a credit card? Take that puppy and get out and charge what you have to, to survive. Get on welfare and they can help you from there.

I believe leaving him is the RIGHT THING TO DO for all of you, especially him. If something isn't working stop doing the same thing. Do something different!

Heidi,

I doubt very much that he will committ suicide if you leave him. He is using the threat to manipulate you. He keeps saying that you trapped him, caught him when he was too down to know what he was doing, basically. He says that you and the baby are the cause of all his problems. If he really believes that, he would be relieved to have you leave.

That isn't what he wants. He wants you to stay and tap dance around his wants and desires at the expense of you and your son's well being.

Call a domestic abuse hotline. They can help get you out of there. They can help you find agencies which can get you and your son a ticket back to La. and your family.

There are agencies out there which can and will help you get on your feet. I think the people at the abuse center can help you connect with them.

Please don't stay until his abuse gets worse. The roughness will almost certainly turn into beatings and punches. Please get out while you still can, while you and your son are not suffering from broken bones. Yes, I am trying to get you to see the bad things that can happen. I want you to be aware of the likelihood of that happening and not have to experience the reality of it.

If he loves you and your son at all, he will take your leaving as a wake up call and get the help he needs. If he does get help and if you have seen the changes in him last a considerable length of time, then you could consider getting back together. Leaving doesn't necessarily mean divorce unless you both want it to.

Should you decide to take him back, insist that you live near your family. Abusers love to isolate their victems from family and friends because it is easier to control them and destroy their self esteem when there is no one there for support.

Hei Hei,

You have friends, and they are us.

You don't have to face this alone.

At the very least we can listen.

At the most, I'll leave my wife and marry you.

Just kidding. I hope you laughed...

Yes, really, sometimes your whole life experiences are preparation

for leading up to a major event, that's gonna require every ounce of your

strength, and every resource at your disposal. Even if this isn't one of those

events, perhaps you can consider it as contingency training. A war game.

As in the Navy, no One stands alone, but are supported, selflessly, by thousands

of others. We are here, selflessly, to support you, one of our own. You are not

alone, even if you started this action all alone. We, the people, are here.

Please, let us help you.

Thanks,

David
Thank you all, I wish I could thank you all individually but I don't have the time, as my son is yelling for me for dinner. You don't know how much your words mean to me. I'm done crying. That sounded great!

I should run for office...

hehe, more like run away...

shall we vote?

heidi honey - i can't emphasise enough how smart and kind and
considerate and great you come across in your posts. and i am really
sorry that Maine doesn't have anything to offer in terms of emotional
support for you.

if i knew anyone who lived in Maine - i'd get them to meet up with you
just so you could have some fun, chatting and eating and being human...

i think you really have to have a heart-to-heart with your husband -
discuss all the options and see if he really won't get involved in the
process of trying to change things for the better for the both of you...

oh heidi - you are obviously so capable. i wish you could see that.

what is that you want. really and deeply --- what would you like to do
right now?

i think davido is right. go somewhere - a cafe and sit down and think
real hard about what you want to do and how you can go about doing it.

or even find like a charitable organisation that works with people on
these sorts of things. because it is always so much easier --- when there
is more than one person involved. it just clarifies things in your own
head.

Chrysalis, is an organisation i volunteer at here in downtown LA and the
people who come in are in dire straits but looking to make a change ---
it just helps to have a 'case-worker' when looking to change a part of
your life. it's difficult to clarify why - but having a complete stranger can
make you see you solutions where perhaps you hadn't looked before.

people get so trapped in habits and patterns - that it sometimes takes a
completely outside view to see where you can break them and change
things.

i hope there is a similar organisation somewhere in your town. it's just
the whole interaction and knowing that someone is on your side - helps.

it's not fair of your husband to heap all that guilt onto you - so just throw
it away. i really think he ought try to get a job (rather than a shrink or
anything like that). just a job - could do wonders for his self-esteem and
all the rest.

oh well, write more hon. we are always here to listen. and never feel that
you are bothering us - as if!

Heidi, please, just go. You can be happy. You cannot be happy with him. He cannot be happy period unless HE CHOOSES to get help. Imagine, life without him. Imagine, not feeling guilty or responsible for him. Imagine, you and your boy living in a place thay is a comfort zone for you. Imagine, you can stay OUTSIDE of your bedroom in the evening because you know you and your boy are welcome in the ENTIRE house. Not just your bedroom because you are disturning someones VIDEO GAME. Your boy deserves to be MORE IMPORTANT than a VIDEO GAME. He is a breathing living little person who NEEDS YOU to guide him to adulthood. His "daddy" is no help. Just harm. RUN NOW! Some people here have given some good ideas on how to get out. DO IT!! DO NOT FEEL GUILT. JUST FEEL EMPOWERED AND LEAVE.Once again -- you are not responsible for him. You are responsible for your son. Do you want him to grow up thinking that is how a man acts? Of course not. Your son needs a good role model. Hang in there. I know it is easy for us to say leave but you really need to focus your energies on finding a way out.You both are right. It's a vicious cycle . . Some days things will be great (usually as long as I succesfully manage to keep Jerry out of his hair) but things always turn to sh*t again. I don't even know how to begin to leave . . . It is what's best for myself and my son, but I worry about what will happen if we go . . I'm afraid he might feel like such a failure that he decides he can't live anymore . . . It's just so hard .. Heidi - It still takes two. Don't make excuses for him and take on his responsibilies. As hard as it is - soundls like something needs to change. This ain't working.Who says you need a man in your life? I have been single (and date when I feel like it) and I love it! Nobody but me, myself, & I to worry about and with you it will be you and your child. You need to get out for you and your childs sake. And as some said, that may be his wakeup call. As it is you are doing him no good as far as him getting mentally healthy...just enabling him to go on doing nothing. I don't care what you look like, what illness you have...there is always someone out there who is good who would love to have you - it may just take time and a relaxed outlook on life. Auntie38639.4361226852

Heidi - This is long, sorry........

OMG........I cannot believe he said that to that sweet, innocent, precious little boy.....I understand being frustrated...I'm frustrated every day of my life. I was a single Mother for quite some time.....you cannot let your baby be treated that way. YOU have to protect him..and NOW.......the older the child gets, the worse your husband will be..Especially since he's a boy.... Wanted, unwanted, planned, accident (never a "mistake") all children deserve love. That breaks my heart and really made me cry. I haven't been in your situation, per say, but very close. I decided to stay with the father of my dd. She was not planned. We had only been dating for 3 months when I got pregnant..It was kind of like you..I didn't think I could...(Me and my previous husband had tried for 4 years with no succes. He had perfect success with the girl he was cheating on me with!! Needless to say, I divorced him.) I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Anyway ..I told the guy that I was seeing (my dd's biological father) that I had a reproductive disorder, and if he ever wanted children I may not be able to, and anyway....of course when you least expect it, it happens. (and BTW, me and my dh have now been trying for 5 yrs with no sucess)

The day I told him I was pg he left me. We got back together about 3 months later. (I thought the baby NEEDED her bio father). We broke up again when dd was 3 months old (he was cheating) and got back together again (I was stupid, but still wanted her to have her father around). He straightened up for a while and we got married. Everything was OK for about a year and then just started going downhill. I found out that he had been doing drugs. He started stealing money from me and one time our house was broken into. All they took was a brand new (NICE for 8 years ago) VCR that my parents had gotten me for Christmas. This happened in broad daylight in a very nice neighborhood. The neighbors said it was a car that I knew was someone's that he had been hanging around with. That was the last straw......I could not let things like that happen around my baby !! Although he was never physically abusive to us, he was very emotionally abusive. He ended up serving 1.5 yrs for drug poss. Got out and moved to FL. He is doing great now, has his own business, bought a house and has sent us some $. He's really gotten his act together.

But what would have happened if I had just let him do whatever he wanted and had been there to take care of everything? He would've taken advantage of me, EXACTLY what your husband is doing. You said you left for a while in July- and he said he wanted you to come back ...of course he did...you weren't there to take care of him!! He would say anything to have you come home....He needs to get his act together. He can't be good for anyone else until he can at least function for himself. You are enabling him to treat you and your son this way. It would benefit all of you for you to get away from him. If he doesn't get help and can't be responsible for himself, then you are better off anyway..

Could you go back to your family to live? Even for a little while? or could you find someone to room with for a while ? What are your options? would it be better for him to leave, or is that an option?

Please don't feel like you are unlovable...I went through that feeling of "nobody will want me" ...... I finally got out of my rut, grew my hair back out, lost 40 pounds and felt so much better about myself !!! I did it for ME.......no one else...and I ended up meeting a WONDERFUL person whom I love, respect, and admire very much. He had been with a real witch previously and she had told HIM that nobody would want HIM !!!! Well, guess what .....SHE'S still single....no boyfriend and very RARELY even dates...no one wants to go out with her more than once. So if HE is telling you that...don't listen !! It's just to make you feel bad and stay with him....and if you just think that no one will want you, then you'd be surprised......there is SOMEONE GOOD out there for all of us..but we have to make ourselves available!!!!

I truly wish you the best from the bottom of my heart. PLEASE get the baby away from that..it can do permanent damage...which may not show up for years, but still...I wouldn't want to take that chance. I wish you the best , no matter what you decide to do. Take Care, Kimberly

Heidi, Whether you like to admit it or not, he is abusing you and your son emotionally and taking you for a ride. If he was that disabled, he would have been able to get permanent disability.

I don't see why you are worried about how you will handle things with him gone. You are already doing it all, plus taking care of him.

If you survived the Navy, you are more capable than you think. Your posts have never given any indication that your ADHD would keep you from having a satisfying life or being a great wife. He has done quite a number on your self esteem.

Please, get that baby out of there before he is old enough to understand what that b*****d is saying to and about him. It will totally screw him up. You and your son both deserve better.

Leave him. Your child does not need to see this man as an example of how to grow up. You do not need this man to give you bad self esteem. Your self esteen sounds low enough as it is. Why keep him around to make it worse?? You can be loved by another man. This is not the only man who will love you. And if he does love you, you don't need a man who shows his love the way he has. Once he is out of the picture I would suggest getting counseling for your self esteem. Trust me, I've seem many people who have partners that you have to scratch your head and wonder "how the hell did THAT person find someone to love THEM??" You sound like a hard working person who tries to better themselves. There is always someone out there for people like You. You are one of the good ones.I understand that you care about him too. Do everything you can to protect his Ego. Try to paint his leaving as a positive step, a prelude for getting help for himself.I don't know what to do. Jerry loves his daddy, likes him alot more than me . . . And there really is no hope that I'll ever be with anyone again, no one would want a messed up, unattractive ADD'er like me who can't do anything right.

heidi first off that's total crap. you are funny and brilliant and a billion people would consider themselves lucky to have you. honestly.

and re. your husband --- i don't know. i expect he didn't mean it really. he was just feeling sh*tty and said it without thinking. not that that makes it excusable at all --- but is your husband on any meds? could he benefit from trying to get some pychiatric help. i mean we all know how easy it is to fall into being rubbish, self-loathing and useless and thinking well, i'll just play nintendo cos i don't give a sh*t about anything so i am going to let my life go to sh*t aswell --- a sort of passive protest. but that attitude CAN change in a heartbeat. a sudden upswing, a job he loves, some working meds --- whatever.

i don't mean to advise you either way about your marriage.

i think you both need to sit down together and say --- do we want to continue like this. why don't we both make an effort to have a really frickin nice life, as nice as we can get, as nice as we can make. just give our all --- and see if we can't turn something around here.

start every day by forcing ourselves to say the nicest thing we can to our partner and son. make sure we put on our smartest clothes and really try to feel good about ourselves. go out and take a long walk together every morning - just to enjoy the day before doing anything else. any of that type of stuff. re-energise and start to try to see things positive a little.

i don't know. but i wish you a heap load of luck. i know you can make something because you are so funny. and funny people are by definition - smart. i'd cross my fingers for you but i did that for LIVEADHD and it was difficult to type....

you'll be right. i bet you anything if you leave him you'll find a great man like that! but i am not advising you to leave him or not --- work it through aswell if you think you can. and of course we are all here for you!

Don't let him convince you to stay though or make you feel guilty - - you have a child to raise and the older (possibly harder to manage) he gets, the worse DH is probably going to get. You can't take that chance, you need to build a life elsewhere while DS in young enough. Go home to family if you have to and never let the guilt trap you. You're not happy either. You can't enable him for the rest of his life or he'll never be well.

I read this post a little while ago and can't stop thinking about it.

1. if you can manage all those things - sh*tty or not - that in itself is a feat. Who wouldn't do a crappy job in that situation, although I'm willing to bet you are not doing as bad a job as you think you are. Isn't that an ADD characteristic - to see the worst in ourselves?

2. Why is it that you are sticking up for him, but not for yourself. You give him credit where credit is not due, and don't give yourself enough. You give him the benefit of the doubt, but don't give yourself any. STOP THAT NOW!!

3. If you were strong enough to "save his life" in whatever capacity that means then you are strong enough to save yourself and your son. That is what matters here.

4. Don't give HIM the opportunity to leave, give it to yourself. You said he didn't take you up on his offer for him to leave - why would he? He's got it good - you are taking care of him and making sure there is a roof over his head, etc. You leave he realizes he might have to do something for himself.

5. You say you don't know how to leave or what to do - Your mom was so happy about the first grand baby then she should be just as concerned to try to help you out. IF possible, move back in with her or near her so that you can have some "free" babysitting while you go to school/job.

Or, if the two of you now are not making any money, how is that going to be any different if he's not around. You'll probably get more things done and you can apply for government funding - welfare, food stamps etc. But you need to find someone in your area that can give you support. If not, move back to an area where there are friends and family that are willing to help.

6. I don't know what you can or can't do, but I can tell you, if you were in the service, that is valuable experience. I am college educated with a master's degree. A couple of my friends got out of the service the same time I finished with my second degree. They got their first true jobs making -20000 more than I did! (and honestly, they were the biggest losers in high school). You have some type of marketable skill I am sure. Find out what it is and go do it.

Don't use ADD as crutch for not doing things. We all understand how it can be very hard to get motivated to do the things we need to do, but sometimes, by sheer force of will we can actually do it. Start it now. Don't delay. This is more serious than just not being able to focus. WE may get crippled at times but we are not crippled. Don't act like you are.

And last, if he is concerned with being a father and a good husband, maybe this is the kick in the pants he needs. You can't force him to do or be something he doesn't want to do or be. I'd rather have no father at all than a crappy one who is annoyed everytime I come in the room.

You have your hands full now, that won't change if you leave but at least there is one thing less you have to try to handle. Stop putting yourself down, let's not fall into that ADD rut of thinking you are no good. If you weren't a good woman, wife and mother, you wouldn't have even thought twice about what he said and just ignored it. You show more promise than you care to see in yourself.

I could ramble on forever. You are good and smart and wonderful. Do want you know is right. Start your research. Have a better day.

You said he didn't take you up on his offer for him to leave - why would he? He's got it good - you are taking care of him and making sure there is a roof over his head, etc. You leave he realizes he might have to do something for himself.

AMEN - - That's pretty bad. There's no way you can save this person. Cut your losses and get out. If he commits suicide or whatever, know that you really tried everything you could for him. He absolutely cannot be a priority for you anymore. [QUOTE=floofthegoof]That's pretty bad. There's no way you can save this person. Cut your losses and get out. If he commits suicide or whatever, know that you really tried everything you could for him. He absolutely cannot be a priority for you anymore.[/QUOTE]

That made me cry. If he commits suicide I know it is all my fault. I f**ked up his life. He never wanted to get married, he never wanted a kid. He often reminds me that these things happened when he was mentally unstable and makes jokes about how I 'took advantage' of him in a weak mental state. I feel so responsible and that I have to fix him, at the same time its so hard and myself and my son are suffering for it.... if he kills himself it is because of me and i dont think i can live with that. I just wish he would let us go but if i try to bring it up.. he wont do it because that would make him a failure and leave his son without a dad... theres just nowhere to freaking go....if i stay we are all miserable, if i go there is a good chance he will become completely depressed and kill himself and it will be my fault....
to be honest, i shouldnt even bother you all with this.. it is my problem and my fault and i have to figure out what to do. i got myself into this mess and i will have to get myself out. thank you all for your advice, help, and encouraging words. sorry i bothered you. HeidiMarie38639.5919907407Hei, Heidi,

I am sooo with you in your pain. I don't know what to say, but that I am here to listen, and to what, help, maybe?

Couple things. Doesn't the military have a veteran's medical system that can help him with his mental disorders? Call them right now, and tell them what's going on, that he is being abusive to you both, and you're afraid for yourselves, and that he may commit suicide. Or call your local hospital.

Maybe it would even be better if you left the house to do this. Do you live in a town? Find a safe place, and use your cell phone, or something, if not. Like a cafe, or the post office, or a mall, or a place you can sit down to think and act.

If you fear for your own safety, call the sheriff. If you fear for your son's safety, call Child Protective Services. 911 will work for both. Hurry, b/c it's Friday and 18:20 already.

Is there a Navy base nearby? Surely they can help one of our own. Or any military base. There are emergency shelters available in a lot of larger towns, too.

Look, I know it's not much, but I can wire you 0 right now, and maybe some others could help, too. I think the best place for you now is with your family. That way you don't have to make any big decisions in the crisis of the moment. If things do settle down, at least you'll have planned a reserve action in contingency.

You said "I don't know what to do". Perhaps starting over where you left off after leaving the military would be the best. Family is there for us.

I'll ping you my cell number. Call me if you need to.

Truly, I mean it.

David

[QUOTE=HeidiMarie] thank you all so much for your advice . . . i'm so
down right now, it just feels like such a death trap... who am i kidding, i
can't go anywhere.� i'm unemployed i cannot afford the gas to make the
over 2,000 mile trip to louisiana to my family.� and then what am i gonna
do there?� i cant live with them theyre bout as poor as i am with 6 kids
living at home... they cant help... i should of stayed in louisiana in august
when i had the chance.... i made the mistake of trying to read the scarlett
letter for my english class while he was playing his nintendo ds.. just
wanted a few minutes to try and get something done im 4 days
behind...jerry messed with his dad, his dad grabs him roughly by the arm
and shoves him away, saying something about kids are the worst thing to
ever f**king happen to a person.. WHAT THE HELL???!!! I AM THE ONE
WHO IS RAISING THIS FREAKING KID NOT YOU!!!!!!� PLAY YOUR GODDAMN
NINTENDO SOMEWHERE THAT HE CANT FREAKING REACH YOU!!!� HE JUST
WANTS TO PLAY WITH HIS FREAKING DADDY YOU WORTHLESS ASS
HOLE!!!!!!� YOU DO NOTHING FOR HIM ..... I had to take Jerry and bring
him upstairs and we're closed up in his room so he cant bother his
daddy... thats how it always goes... we leave the house and go thte park,
or go play in his room, ony time we can be downstairs in the living room
is if hes in the dinign room on his computer....The saddest part was his
daddy was just so mean to him and as we climbed the stairs he yelled off
the steps "I LOVE YOU DADDY" ... and got no reply.
[/QUOTE]

heidi you are not in the position you think you are in.

honestly. you can't see it for some reason but you are smart and clever
and would be an asset to any company that would be happy to take you
on.

you are not where you see yourself to be ---

you could do any number of things - believe me.

i am just gonna post this now - cos i am running out of battery but i have
more to say..... just give me a chance to recharge! (you know me, won't
ever shut up if given an opportunity right?)
You absolutely cannot take responsibility for his behavior. Get that out of your head right now.This morning, DH was sitting on the sofa playing with his nintendo DS. Jerry, being your average near 2 year old boy, is hitting his dad and trying to get his DS from him. DH pushes him away, pissed off, and says "Unwanted babies should not be brought into the world. No matter how cute you are, you will always be unwanted."

What a horrible thing to say -- They had been getting along on occassion, ever now and again he comments how smart Jerry is or how cute something is that he's done. From what he said this morning, I'm holding out hope for nothing. No matter what he thinks of Jerry, he doesn't want him.

I don't know what to do. Jerry loves his daddy, likes him alot more than me . . . And there really is no hope that I'll ever be with anyone again, no one would want a messed up, unattractive ADD'er like me who can't do anything right.

Is it even worth continuing to try to work it out? Does anyone else exist in a situation like this -- DH has agoraphobia, panic disorder, and major depressive disorder, and I knew he never wanted a kid . . . So can I really blame him? I don't know anymore . . . help . . .

I do not know your whole situation other than what I just read. You need to leave immediately. Your child should never be told he was unwanted. The time has passed to "stay together for the good of the child". The father needs counseling and help for his problems before he can be a good father. God bless and you will be in my prayers.

[QUOTE=johanna]

[/QUOTE]

I'm going to concur with johanna. Dad needs help. Your responsibility right now is for the baby. Get help for yourself too. I once got out of a bad situation for my baby's. It was hard and difficult, but was the right decision. My prayers are for you as well. I'm truly sorry you are going through this

I guess I was pretty vague. I have ADHD, he has panic disorder, agoraphobia, major depressive disorder, all of which he acquired while in the military. I saved his life, then married him when the military dumped him out on his ass. He didn't want kids, neither did I. It's a long story about how it came about we had a child . . The short of it is, I got pregnant when I thought I couldn't (endometriosis), little brother died, at brothers funeral i got sick and ran out, had to tell my sister, sister inadvertently told mother, mother cried with happiness, first grandbaby, just lost son, what could i do . . During 9 months of pregnancy, husband got very depressed . . I refused to get attached to baby during pregnancy because I was scared I had to give him up . . Finally, heart hurting, told husband I'd give baby up. He said no. Ever since then, he's been on again off again about being a dad. I was in the Navy, and he is pretty much unemployable, he stayed home with Jerry. I often had to leave work to go home and take care of the baby because he was crying too much or whatever and DH couldn't handle it and started drinking and crying . . Got out of the Navy, moved to Northern Maine, neither of us are employed, he's barely looking . . I get unemployment but for not much longer , and its not much anyway . . . Decided to enroll us both in school so we could collect our GI Bills as income, I've started already and he doesnt start for another month . . Refuses to do anything for son so I can work on school work . . I have to do it when Jerry naps (about 45 mins) and when he geos to bed at nite . . He does NOT sleep through the night and wakes up atleast twice before midnite. DH is unwilling to work out a plan for when he starts school so both of us can have time to do school work, because he already gets alot more free time now, being an unwilling, depressed, unemployed father. I left him in late July, to stay with my family . . I bought a return ticket for 18 days later, but every night I called him and talked to him and told him that if he liked being alone, we did not have to come back. Made it soo easy for him to get out of being a dad. He said no.

And so here we are . . . I take care of everything - finances, housework, do everything for Jerry . . I take Jerry everywhere with me, store, post office, my psychiatrist, even to the bathroom. I do all this with ADHD, so needless to say I do a sh*tty job of most of it. Dad sits around all day playing nintendo DS or playing on his computer and getting mad at Jerry if he bothers him. Every once in a while I guess he feels bad and will take him outside, or maybe bounce him on his leg and play horsey with him. These times make me think that he wants to be a good dad but doesn't know how and just needs to work through his problems . . but then the comment today, makes me think I'm just delusional . . .
Stop beating yourself up. It sounds like you are trying very hard to provide a life for your child. You need to concentrate on you and your child. You cannot save "Dad". He needs professional help and not someone to make everything ok for him. Find out about agencies in your area to help with child care. You need to realize that no matter how much you do for "Dad" he is not going to change until he gets help and not until he wants to change. Stand tall and look at what you have accomplished and make a plan for you and your son.

Yeah, it's not the one thing he said, it's the fact that he refuses to do anything positive for himself even. I doubt he could be a very good influence on your son. He may come back to his family someday, but he has too many problems on his own right now. If he feels *obligated* to stay, tell him he's not contributing, and is a bad influence on his son, and his leaving would be more helpful than harmful.

Heidi,

I could just sit down and weep for you. Please really read Ragurls post because she is saying the truth. Please open your eyes. Heidi, you are much stronger than you know....think about this....you have stayed with a man under the worst of circumstances. That has to take a stronger person than I have ever been. Now you need to take all that strength and get out. Don't waste your energy on this man anymore...you need it to get the heck out of there for the sake of you and your child.

Please Heidi, start taking steps to leave. Please.

Heidi--Can you see he is putting it all on YOU?? He is not taking responsibility for his behavior, just making excuses--ie: "i didn't mean that when I said that horrible, unthinkable thing to our child". Blaming YOU for having a messy house and THAT is what is causing his behavior??

Heidi, please wake up darlin! I know when you're IN it, it's so hard to see, but this is NOT OK!! Make up Heidi's Bill of Rights and get the he** out of there. He needs a wake up call! Do NOT take him back till he's been on the right path at least 6 months to a year.

[QUOTE=Auntie]

Heidi,

What is it exactly that your husband agreed to work on?

I sure hope, from other posters advise, that you at the very least got him to no longer shove his son out of the way or say bad things to him. At the very least.

But the truth is, it almost sounds like he turned things around on you. And that is really bothering me!

[/QUOTE]

Well, he said these things about me are what's contributing to his depression. He also said he was sorry about telling Jerry he was unwanted and all that, and he won't do it again -- said he was just having a bad day and he didn't mean it. I didn't bring up that that is not the first time he's said something *like* that, what he said the day before yesterday was just really mean. Yesterday, he played in the living room for a couple of hours with Jerry so I could get some housework done, but after a while Jerry was crying at the gate for me cos his dad was playing with his PDA. I sure hope this doesn't turn into "Heidi has to walk around happy AND scrub the house ontop of being miserable now". We'll see.

I'm praying for you to make the right choices

Does any one have an example of a bill of rights so I can understand what one looks like? Thanks.

David-- Everyone's is different, but mine looked something like this:

I deserve and will not settle for less than the following in a relationship:

1. Someone who is clean and sober.

2. Someone who treats me and my child with respect.

3. Someone who wants to be and acts like a partner.

4. Someone who makes their own money and contributes.

5. Someone who is honest, loving and kind.

Etc.You get the picture. You can do personal truths/affirmations like:

1. I am a good person.

2. I am a strong person and I can make it.

3. I have the strength to make good decisions.

4. I will do the right thing for my child, even if it's hard.

I found that reading these things several times daily helped me a lot. Sometimes you have to remind yourself who you are and what you want and need.

Hey Ra,

Thanks. Otherwise, it wouldh've been another Manifesto...

Mind if I use this outline for a starter post?

Da
Sure, be my guest.

Why can we not see the forest for all these cursed trees? You need to step back for a few minutes and look not at his future, or your future, but your childs future first. He has no choice in this matter, but you do. Does your DH actually do anything productive at this time? We're talking present tense, and IF people don't learn to understand the present by recognising whats past, then what kind of future are we planning for ourselves, or our children? The future is up to DH to get HIS life together and I'm sure you would be there for him at any given notice. But don't sacrifice your childs well being , or yours, for anyone . The future is unforseeable, but it IS going to happen because the present constantly becomes past as we make decisions in life. So far I can tell you are strong enough to make any hard decision needed because you already have by asking!

You are strong, sensible, and caring! Who wouldn't find that attractive?

Oh and Heidi,
good luck, maybe this cahnge will be the start of a new very good part of your life. Big smile

you can do it.Hey Heidi, we've never really spoken.. hello there.
Two year olds have ears. Three year olds have better ears. By the time the kid is 4, he'll be crushed if you don't do something. That's so sad. Disorders might be a reason for that kind of behavior, and you can subject yourself to that kind of thing, but there's another person in the picture who's depending on you to make good decisions. If you stay with the man because you are scared of loneliness, just remember that you are putting yourself before your child, and think about what that means about you and your priorities...sorry, it's just so awful what you must be going through, I can't even imagine. He didn't even apologize, did he? You can't let your son grow up to be someone else's project! Please!
Amanda

Wow. That coulda been me you're writing to.

[QUOTE=GlenW] Heidi- we with ADHD can be SO hard on ourselves can't we? We tend to filter out the compliments (hell we don't like ourselves so how valid can a compliment be?) and filter in the self loathing and other's comments.

I have no doubt your self image is distorted - like mine was. I'll bet you could find a new mate in a heartbeat - once you start to like who you are!! It can happen!

Definitely stand up for your and your child's rights. No parent (well nobody actually) has the right to tell a child they are unwanted. Children are the only thing in this world worth fighting for!! TSDMC...

Talk to your hubby about how this whole thing made you feel. If he still takes the stand that he was not wrong to hurt his child's feelings (whether or not it shows it sticks - I remember any and every dig on me back to age 4) then it's time to do an inventory. Ouch. Who CAN forget? It's a/b the only thing an ADDer can remember...

It's better to be alone with your son than to take abuse. I am alone and have been for 2 years now - and never better! It's lonely - but well worth it to have your dignity and self-respect. And - your child will know that every person around him loves him unconditionally and totally! That's worth it - any prick can be a father but only the good ones get to be a "daddy". My dd15 called me DadD tonight, the first time in a looong time... TSDMC, again...

- we're all in this together! [/QUOTE]

Jeez, Glen... I've had women make me cry before, but, Jeez!

[QUOTE=HeidiMarie]I just *tried* talking to him . . . Asked him if he wanted to talk about anything, he said no. I made a comment that he and Jerry had a particularly rough day today. He said he was at his wits end. I asked how so? He said I dunno, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

And that was the end of the talk. How can he be at his wits end? I didn't even know he was at its beginning.
[/QUOTE]

Oh, Heidi...even in the situation you are in you have a sense of humor whether you know it or not. I really had to laugh at the "I didn't even know he was at its beginnnig." Do you know how funny that is?

Ya, know. I believe you are going to do this...get out. We will be here to listen and cheer you on. Be sure to take the computer so you can keep us up to date. I wish you would make plans to leave soon but I know you aren't quite ready yet.

Thank you all, again. I think I gave the impression that I would stay with my husband because I was scared of being alone over my son's needs, and that's not true. I've laid awake many nights coming up with a contingency plan; I guess I always feel like I have to have something because I know one day he won't come out of his deep depression -- In those instances I think that I would just die, too, but I konw I can't, that I have to take care of our son. What keeps me is that I know he really is a very decent and loving person, and he wasn't always bad. It's just gotten so hard, picking up his pieces when he falls apart, over and over again . . Fix it, it's going to happen again, just never-ending . . . And he won't seek help, again, as his last doctor didn't help and he didn't think anyone would help him. He's gotten so down, and so mean and depressed that its hard to keep the will to help him over and over again - but at the same time, I don't want to abandon him in his *time of need* either. I don't know what's going through his head, I don't want to leave him, but my son's little brain is developing too many bad wrinkles, and that's not fair to him, he didn't ask to be born and doesn't deserve to have such a rough start. Stay or leave . . Stay or leave . . I don't know. They both need me. My husband though, will show signs of progress then slip again . . Yesterdays comment about 'no matter how cute you are, you'll always be unwanted' was a jolt for me . . That no matter if there are good times and they seem to get along, it's never going to be anything permanent. I just have to figure out how to go, and try not to completely break anyone in the process.

Thank you all again, sorry for the rambling. It's all just so hard . . .

Heidi- we with ADHD can be SO hard on ourselves can't we? We tend to filter out the compliments (hell we don't like ourselves so how valid can a compliment be?) and filter in the self loathing and other's comments.

I have no doubt your self image is distorted - like mine was. I'll bet you could find a new mate in a heartbeat - once you start to like who you are!! It can happen!

Definitely stand up for your and your child's rights. No parent (well nobody actually) has the right to tell a child they are unwanted. Children are the only thing in this world worth fighting for!!

Get outside help. Do it soon - a child absorbs everything around them - and you want that to be the best that you can do. Even on welfare you'd be better off - and something tells me you wouldn't be on support for long. I was with a bipolar - and if you put 2 people in a relationship that are messed up the only answer is to get better or get out.

I'm pulling for you - we're all in this together!

Hey Heidi - Looks like a lot of support. Want you to know I'll be here for you either way, whether you go or stay. No judgements either way. I am aware I don't know the whole story. I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time because I thought there was something wrong with me and I must deserve it. I was wrong. Nobody deserves that. One evening in a violent episode I noticed my 4 yr. daughter sitting in a corner with her hands over her ears and shaking. That did it for me - I was gone. That's been many years ago, my baby is 26. It took her years to tell me of some of the abuse done to her that I never knew about. Take care of yourself, now, in whatever way you can. You can't take care of that baby if you can't take care of yourself. Your not alone.
I just *tried* talking to him . . . Asked him if he wanted to talk about anything, he said no. I made a comment that he and Jerry had a particularly rough day today. He said he was at his wits end. I asked how so? He said I dunno, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

And that was the end of the talk. How can he be at his wits end? I didn't even know he was at its beginning.