Speaking impulsively get you in trouble? | ADHD Information

Okay, all rested and ready to go! In a nutshell, emotional intelligence (or EI as its commonly called) is sort of like the theory of multiple intelligence or social intelligence in that it includes more than one type of "intelligence" but in this kind it's being able to say and do the kind of stuff that will keep you out of social trouble and off other people's sh*t lists! A guy named Daniel Goleman has written a lot of books on it and gotten quite wealthy from it. (A lot of other psychologists criticize his theory but I think that's as much jealousy as anything because he's made money from it and they haven't.)

Basically, EI's the ability to empathize with what the person you're trying to communicate with is feeling, and saying things to make him/her feel good about him/herself and about you. The diplomat, the "smoothie," the pacifier, the (non-offensive) comic are all types of emotionally intelligent people (although that's my classification, not Goleman's).

Here's the basic problem for us AD(H)D folk. People--all people--tend to assume (and why wouldn't we--it's natural) that other people think the same way they do. Because I'd laugh my patooties off at that suede couch question, I'd assume that everyone else would, too. Not! Here's the rub!

Most people, it turns out, grow up with lots of criticism and put downs and assume that remarks from people they don't know well are aimed at doing the same thing. Say what? But they do. Therefore, before you know someone well enough, you have to be careful and assume that they'll take offense at the drop of a hat. You have to be able to pick up the clues they give us (hard since our attention is flitting around so much). IOW, we have to keep our attention on them and if we're not sure, err on the side of caution and diplomacy. That's the empathy part.

We also need to remember that most people are slightly paranoid (at least), if not downright hypersensitive and will easily misconstrue even the best intentions--especially when they don't know us. People want to feel like they're important to US and like our attention is focused on them. They like flattery, diplomacy, and deference and when they get it, tend to think the speaker is great. That keeps us out of trouble and makes others think we're terrific. That's the essence of EI--the awareness that that's how it works and that's how most people are and that's how they need to be responded to. At least from the perspective of someone who's AD(H)D.

Therefore, that cop might easily have thought you were being disrespectful rather than playful. You lucked out that he gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I used to get in trouble all the time on web boards and could never figure out why. And this is why. I didn't assume people were as sensitive as they were and therefore, wasn't as careful in what I said or how I said it as I needed to. After learning about EI and social intelligence, I've become much more careful and get into a lot less trouble.

I know some people who go overboard the other way and are far too emotionally intelligent. One ended up drinking herself to death and the other one gets sick all the time. They're popular, for sure, but because they invariably put other people's needs before their own, they don't take proper care of themselves. There needs to be a balance.

Did that help? Any questions, ask away! I know that learning about EI (and some related concepts) really has helped me a lot!

sachetm38640.2290856481Cut, paste, print - get back with ya.

CG... You were VERY lucky. Most cops love an excuse to stop being nice. It sounds like he was a genuinely nice guy and that whole thing about walking back up to you and telling you to go is the funniest thing I've heard in a while. I'd bet he laughed about the smart-ass lady back at the station. We laugh A LOT at the station and it is a really good for the soul when we're constantly confronted with images and descriptions of sad, sick and idiotic stuff all day. Stories of trapping prostitutes, stings to catch guys looking for a little fun in public bathrooms and a couple stories involving sausages. That's probably why I love my job... I love to laugh and it gives me plenty of outs.

Quick ADD story... I made a birthday cake for a co-worker and took it to work. As it turns out, I put the butter in the microwave to melt, mixed up all the other ingredients, thought to myself, "Gee... this cake doesn't use oil... odd" and looked at the recipe to confirm this, not seeing the butter listed first. Needless to say, I had left the butter in the microwave and was blinded to the word butter in the cookbook. At work, my cake was the butt of many jokes when it was figured out that it was a bit spongy. The chief took one bite, said the frosting was good and chucked it in the garbage. It was a day-long rant about me forgetting the butter. I also started getting anonymous email pictures of sticks of butter from the copy machine. The next day, when I came back to work, my desk was covered with photos of a piece of my cake's various uses... door stop... under a car wheel but still whole... a toxic waste sticker on my cake... my cake on a scale which reads 250 lbs... it was hilarious. Now, everytime when someone brings in food, they always ask if I made it and what I left out. :)

Got pulled over for speeding on my way to work today . I begged the police officer not to give me a ticket and promised I'd never speed again. He said "Lady, do you know how luck you are to receive a warning from a motorcycle cop?" I WANTED so bad to say "No, how lucky am I?" But held my tongue. He walked away and I sat there feeling proud of myself. Then I yelled out the window "HEY, WERE YOU GONNA WRITE THAT WARNING DOWN OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT?" As he walked back towards my truck, I'm thinking ' That's gotta be one of the stupidest things I've ever said.'

He got really close to my face and said "Just go."

Would like to hear about some of those impulsive things that you've said. Am I alone here? -don't think so.

I don't think I am going to tell you. I feel stupid enough for saying them in the first place and repeating them will only make me feel worse. I'll just read what everyone else says and then I won't feel so alone.

I was told by my boss's boss that I needed to improve my "emotional intelligence." Since I had no idea what he was talking about and it happily happened to be a topic in the cognitive psych course I was taking that quarter, wrote my course paper on it. Opened up worlds for me!

If I weren't so drop-dead tired right now, I'd do a Cliff Notes version, but... Point is, it actually is possible to get much better at not inadvertently pissing people off! Who knew?

Anyone interested in learning more, let me know. Will share what I've learned when I've got some energy. Or will try.

CG...that is funnyy...I had a boss once from TX, he was about 6'3" @ 250 lbs and his stomach looked like he had a inflateable beach ball in it. One day he was finishing telling me something and I said, "Hey Roger - - - When are you going to lose that gut ?".He was probaly as stund as I was. We never mentioned that incident again . . .

Barb - might make you feel worse, but would make me feel better

sachetm - don't know what emotional intellegence is , but, I am interested in how to stop pissing people up. Enlighten me when youre not so tired

God Pilgram, I think I know him! That's hysterical.

Countrygirl... that is an amusing story. Since I work for a police dept., those are the kinds of stories everyone laughs about at the station or they come in and tell the story about the wacko lady who had the nerve to say... Yes, that was rediculously stupid to say becuase you were lucky but I can totally relate because I say things like that ALL THE TIME. However, I have an even worse time with emails. I send the most rediculous and sometimes too personal emails. Then, I get in trouble. I don't mean it but it just happens.

A friend of mine has about the best ADD blurting moment I've ever heard. He told me that he and his wife went to the neighbor's to check out their new suede couch. He sat down on it and said, "So, does it leave ass marks when you sit on it naked?" His wife about killed him. I feel like I see so much humor and irony in life that half the people don't even get what I said and the other half are offended.

LOL Omalley! I bet you have lots of tales you could tell.

My mother bought me for my 9th birthday a bumper sticker. It said "Be sure brain is in gear before engaging mouth". At the time of course I just thought it was a sucky gift. However - it sticks with me to this day.

Now that I'm on meds that work and in therapy I find the urge to get blurtatious is far less. I usually think that microsecond needed to screen out the really dumb things - though I still get itchy to be persnicketty and raise lather. The forum has turned out to be fertile ground - I protect our family here and get to be nasty to people - all in one go!!

I'd love to know if a suede couch leaves ass marks too!! It would be filed under trivia that I know that you probably don't want to.

I agree that this forum is a great place to be ourselves when it takes so much effort to control all the crap each day. Thankfully, I work with people who have a great sense of humor. I'm very, very lucky. It's a laugh-a-day and too often at the public's expense. ;)

Another funny story that I love to tell even when I'm with people who might be slightly put off by the mention of a certain word having to do with that time of the month.... An elderly man came to the window one day and dropped a something wrapped in a paper towel in the tray under the glass. I was watching from afar but the woman who went to the window told him he'd have to keep that and pick up the red phone to get an officer. He was very, very cranky and said, "What do you have to worry about? You're behind that bullet proof glass" then stalked away. A few minutes later, a female cop goes out to talk with him. He opens the paper towel and goes, "Look, some kids put a firecracker in my mailbox." "Look, it's even got a fuse..." The cop looks down and says, "Sir, that's a tampon." He gets pissed and says, pointing to an elderly woman who happened to be in the lobby, "Well, she didn't know what it was!" He walked off, throwing the paper towel in the garbage. We were all laughing so hard it hurt and the cop calls after him, "Sir, don't be putting your firecracker in our trashcan!"

One more... I gave a totally inappropriate birthday card to my boss (almost retiring old-fashioned cop with a great sense of humor). I know I shouldn't have but it was so funny, I couldn't resist. On the front was a picture of a huge donkey with a lot of people having a birthday party around it and on it. On the inside it said, "Have a big ass birthday." I know I shouldn't have but it was so funny.

I'm going to try to remembe your bumper sticker, it might help me.

[QUOTE=omalley]

[/QUOTE] So Omalley - How lucky was I?

Naw, I never say anything impulsive...

I just write it down...

[QUOTE=omalley]"So, does it leave ass marks when you sit on it naked?" [/QUOTE]

Of course it does.

So does snow.

Impulsive...AHHHHH..I just have to post a reply.. Countrygirl.. you take your reward of of your reflex...Price of Speeding Ticket and Treat U!

I think CG should get the award for "impulsiveness" in this months contest!!

[QUOTE=repairman] I think CG should get the award for "impulsiveness" in this months contest!![/QUOTE]

How about "Lucky" and Impulsiveness Award of the month.?......

Glen, to save a few keystrokes, just type (define:) in the google search engine :P i work with a woman that has a tendency to give long windy explanations for almost everything.. also she rants and rants...
my response - i placed my hand over her mouth to shut her up...

she was stunned!! i don't blame her..

i guess that falls into the impulsive category...

I think I know her!

Brookelea-whoops...that's better..........wish I had the nerve to do that. One time went to someones home to look at a dog they were selling...she had some other dogs in the house, one being a Mexican hairless. I had never seen one before, and when I saw it I blurted out ' that's the uglest dog I've ever seen ' ! My poor wife laughed nervously and made some comment about my lack of social gracious. To this day I still think it was the uglest dog I've ever seen.

Satchetm...thanks for that info...Hope I can find the time to check into it more.

[QUOTE=Brookelea]i work with a woman that has a tendency to give long windy explanations for almost everything.. also she rants and rants...
my response - i placed my hand over her mouth to shut her up...

she was stunned!! i don't blame her..

i guess that falls into the impulsive category...

[/QUOTE]

What? Her inability to shut up?

I think I was at her house once. My wife coulda killed me b/c I closed my eyes and fell asleep... Speaking openly seems to cause my wife a lot of trouble.

Causes most of us Bren. We are in a society where being open with how you feel verbally is discouraged. Only children are mostly immune from this in north american/western european society. Actually North American/England, as if you see an Italian or a French person, they are far more likely to tell you that your feet stink, or that you are boring them to tears than we ever would be.

Brook - I could NEVER put my hand over someone's mouth! Not that I have not either cut someone off short - or been tempted to say SHUT UP!! - it's not that. I have an aversion to touching other people - something I'm working hard to change. It's a relic of my dad's influence on me as a child. If I touch another man (other than shaking hands), it's a homosexual thing. Touch a woman (even to touch hands) it's a sexual overture and discouraged. My father is old-school born in the depression guy. English-american to the bone - he is very much the stolid hrumpher and tended to try and stay in his shell and make us all do the same.

I'd LOVE to have the guts to clamp my hand over a yabberer's mouth!! What gevalt!! What a set of brass ones!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!

Ok, these stories are great! You have no idea how wonderful it feels to know there are so many others with "foot in mouth disease".

here are a couple of my many outbreaks of the disease:

I've told my boss that when I see her walking into my classroom, I feel like throwing up! LOL

I just HAD to outdo a male member of my teaching team who said that he had the best example of the definition of gross... I won.... much to the chagrin of the other ladies at the lunch table.. ( Sometimes I wish I was male so I could get away with that stuff, LOL - howcome men can only have a sick sense of humor?)umm, dont ask... not going to insert both feet into my mouth..

Sherry

We also notice that becareful what you say to someone elses child also. To many people get mad about this also. No wonder kids are so mouthy today than before. pastmember/Bren38642.8292476852There's a weird flip side to the impulsive speech thing -- I've noticed that ADHDers also have the tendency to overexplain. I do, anyway. I think it's because offhand comments have gotten me into trouble so often that I overcompensate and try too hard to make sure that I am understood. [QUOTE=Wordwoman]There's a weird flip side to the impulsive speech thing -- I've noticed that ADHDers also have the tendency to overexplain. I do, anyway. I think it's because offhand comments have gotten me into trouble so often that I overcompensate and try too hard to make sure that I am understood. [/QUOTE]

Exactly, then we get miffed when they cut us off in the explanation, then wonder why we don't communicate well. Humphhh.
The other reason is I think we understand things we understand better, and find our understanding to be fascinating, and expect others to find fascinating a greater depth of understanding of the subject at hand, but they don't.

Either they're linear in thinking and want no distractions, or could care less a/b the why, they just want to know yes or no.

On top of that, we've chosen (WW & I) professions were we have to profess our justifications for a position, so we're accustomed to having to explain more than ordinary.

For me, I've always believed a word in time, saves nine.
[QUOTE=kibbles002]

Ok, these stories are great! You have no idea how wonderful it feels to know there are so many others with "foot in mouth disease".

here are a couple of my many outbreaks of the disease:

I've told my boss that when I see her walking into my classroom, I feel like throwing up! LOL

Sherry

[/QUOTE]

Kibbles - you should check out the factory I work at!! The ladies are the rudest, crudest and the GROSSEST humans I have ever met!!

Their jokes I can't even post here - mostly about things men dare not even think about - and it's kind of funny looking around the lunch room at the men trying to hold their sandwiches down after a particularly disgusting accounting from our "fairer sex" employees. ROFLMAO!!!

I have a strong stomach - though even that is tested daily. I don't share in the revelry - as I just never have been good at gross-out humor but I do appreciate how they keep the men in tow. Me included.

[QUOTE=pilgrim]

Satchetm...thanks for that info...Hope I can find the time to check into it more.

[/QUOTE]

Did you say that in front of the dog? Poor thing probably will have a complex now!

CIC ....Hey....There could be such a thing! (TCBSAT)

[QUOTE=kibbles002]

Ok, these stories are great! You have no idea how wonderful it feels to know there are so many others with "foot in mouth disease".

here are a couple of my many outbreaks of the disease:

I've told my boss that when I see her walking into my classroom, I feel like throwing up! LOL

Sherry

[/QUOTE]

When I got caught sleeping during inservice, I told my boss " OMG, I'm so sorry, it was just so incrediably boring!"

and 'gross' ladies, think I know a few that might give you a run for your money! Personally, I give up in that area, because they really know how to get to me.

CG....well, you were honest...you Boss has got to respect that a little.Canine inferiority complex.

CIC

Omalley - My SIL is in the police academy. says they had a good laugh at me there too. Yeah, that cop was being nice. He did seem a little amused.

Do me a favor and don't bake me a cake for my birthday. OK?

All good stuff - ah the memories!!

As anybody following my phrenetic goings-on here on the threads will know - I tend to leap forward with both feet - screaming a battle-cry and hoping like hell that I hit the mark.

I am a staunch believer in science and truth. That gets me into trouble in a society that surveyed at over 50 percent still believing in guardian angels. Wow - glad I wasn't born when they burn people like me at the stake - I'd be briquettes by now!

We may be blurtatious - and we may tend to open mouth without fully seeing what comes next. I think it's good though - our society is rolling back to the 50s in that we live in constant fear of everyone and everything. I can't play that game homey - it's just not in me. Start your zippos and get it nice and toasty - I can't stop telling it how I see it! Don't any of you either!

Glen - lost you at phrenetic,
Can you tell me what that means so I don't have to run for the dictionary?

thanks for bringing that one up CG! I misspelled that one (bad bad me) - it's frenetic - meaning acting quickly and appropriately.

You don't need the dictionary around here though - use google! I do all the time - just go to google - and type in definition:(word). It's great - they have that wikipedia which gets even technical terms and slang. WIKI - What I Know Is. Great tool!

Oh - makes sence/cents/since now.

Glen - you don't think me getting out of that ticket proves they're guadian angels?

Nah - angels have been on strike since the middle ages - probably get nothing as far as pay is concerned.

I'd think it was your look of fear and the fact you probably can flutter an eyelash like the rest of you "fairer" of the species. And the cop was probably trying to keep from busting a gut laughing.

I should bring up an embarassing cop moment since I'm opening up here.

I used to fix computers. Average stuff - but back in '92 I got a real perk - to go to Victoria BC to attend a meeting of other techs who were part of a repair contract. Big stuff - good food and lots of shmoozing.

I drove down with my tormentor (exgf of 13 years for those not following). 6 hour drive and it was right after work. I was wiped and probably shouldnt' have driven at all.

I got into Vancouver - and had to find the road to the ferry (it's on an island - vancouver island) and it was pitch black out. I went over a bridge near the turnoff about 20 times then finally found it.

At the end of my rope, I turned onto a small road that should have been the one . There was a sign to the ferry, with another to the US border crossing. Me being who I am I made the wrong turn - right into the crossing. Now, there was ample signage "DO NOT TURN AROUND". I was all nerves, and got nutso at that point and did not want to go across as it was very late and wanted to get to the ferry somehow.

Well, I swerved my wheel when I saw where I thought I could turn. This was feet from the crossing - and in a better mindframe I would have known better.

Sirens went off. Spotlights hit the car. A large chubby american rent-a-border-cop came out with single barrel pump shotgun pointed at my window. I looked over to sweet gf - only to find her on the floor hiding. Wow - was I happy then!

He signalled (with the barrel) to come up to the building. I was in tears - about to unload something unsavory into my jeans. I went into a long story of my journey - details galore. My gf was laughing so hard she was crying too. The cop patiently waited for me to vent out - tongue in cheek all the time. At the end he could see I was no threat (to anyone but me and his patience) and merely said "go to the white line, turn around and tell the canadian your story. Lights went off, sirens stopped and thankfully I was able to avoid a clothing change.

GF still laughing, I shakingly turned around and stopped at the other building (right next to the one I was at). The guy said "how long were you in the US?". How long! He SAW me there a second ago at gunpoint? I didn't see the humor - but exGF did and she told me later she peed herself a bit at that all. I started to tell him what I told the other guy - this one had less patience and just raised the barrier and told me to get out of there.

I was ticked the whole weekend. Got over it by sunday but it just wasnt' any fun. I laugh now - the memories are far less tainted when you are medicated LOL. So if any of you think that you have goofed up big time - think of me at the business end of an american shotgun. Laugh away!

that's hysterical!