worriedsis,
I am as concerned (actually more concerned) about your mother. It sounds to me like she is in a major depression and really stressed out. She may actually know the best way to reach your brother and the right things to do, but can't think straight herself.
Sit your mother down and let her know just how much you love and need her. Make her promise that she will not do anything to hurt herself and beg her to see a doctor. She is feeling so overwhelmed right now. Between losing your father, becoming the sole source of support for you and your brother and having to deal with your brother's problems, she would not be human if she wasn't having a hard time dealing with it.
If your mother won't talk to a dr on her own, try to contact her dr yourself and make him aware of her depression and ask for advice. Hopefully, she will have an appointment in the near future and he can talk to her about it. Go to your grandparents, a close friend of hers, some adult you feel will be able to convince her to get help. She does not have to continue feeling hopeless and out of control.
Most importantly, make sure she knows how much you love her and need her. Let her know that she is what keeps you going in the right direction and that she is appreciated.
Let us know how things are going, please. Barb
OMG, worriedsis, it truly sounds as if your post came right from my lips! My little bro has ADHD (as well as my father and myself) and he is struggling with some very similar things that your brother is!
My little bro is going to college next year but the funny thing is that I don't think that's the best thing for him! I want him to stay closer to home and go to a junior college instead of a big university. See I did the university thing an fell flat on my face. I know now that with my ADHD I will never be able to thrive in a large university because it is too impersonal. He doesn't want to take his meds because he doesn't like being "different" he doesn't like having to take a med to be "normal". He doesn't understand that his medications are the thing that may help him do well in college next year!
But your bro is probably overwhelmed right now. Having all that to think about would amke a normal person antsy but all that to someone with ADHD would make them... well... do what your brother is doing. Setting his foot down and not doing anything. I would suggest talking to him in a VERY calm manner in an environment that has little or no distractions and hear him out. See what his feeling are on all these subjects. Remember that often the path of an ADHDers education is not smooth. He may need things written down to help make decisions or he may need someont to help him create a plan of action because getting it together enough to do all that your mother is requesting of an ADHDer with out meds can be an extreemly daunting task. Try to remember that parts fo his brain that are involved in reasoning and memory are affected by this disorder and have patience with him. Everything Chief said is true, ADHDers seen to need to learn thier lessons on their own. Let him do what he feels he needs to do and love him no matter what. You do not need to approve of his decisions and you do not even need to lead him think you approve. But what he needs more than anything else in the whole wide world is unconditional love. And if your relationship is anything like my baby brother's and mine, your unconditional love is something he relies on but he will never ever let you know. He will learn on his own, let him. He will stop blaming others eventually (I hope) and begin to take responsability once he hits bottom. I know that's how it had to happen for me. I was lucky, I had TWO brothers who love me with no ends... and I got through it all and so will my baby bro and so will yours!
Sorry for the long post... you sound like you might have needed some encouragement and insight from someone who is on the other side of the whole college decision who has ADHD. After a few years I returned to school, graduated from the LPN program (with honors... I'm so proud of me!) and am now returning for my BSN, maybe MSN? I have two jobs I love and am good at and life is ok for the most part! Have faith!!!!! We're all rooting for your bro and for you!
Worriedsis,
I went through something similar with my son who was diagnosed at aged 16. He is now 23. We absolutely cannot live under the same roof. Two years ago, I told him that he was not allowed to lounge around my home. He was to either get a real job that would support him or work fast food but also get a degree. He enrolled in junior college and had to take two remedial courses. He lasted about one month in the math and only twice as long in the reading. Not much later, I tossed him out of the house after we got into an argument.
I learned a couple of things from this episode.
1. Do not force your kid to go to school. I know that it is what he needs and you want what is best for him, but someday he will figure that out on his own and you won't even have to tell him "I told you so". My son is actively seeking to get back into school and has come to terms with his ADD to the extent that he is determined to finish school despite his disability. I am happy to support his efforts.
2. Children will find a way to survive on their own and will be much happier when they do. Stop worrying about them. You must remember that when you were his age, you got out on your own and it didn't hurt you one bit. If you want to help him, try paying his first month's rent and deposit to get him started. After that, he's on his own. Within 30 days, he'll figure out a way to make it because he does not want to wind up on the street or back in your mom's home.
The above is always more difficult for women to do. Especially when it comes to their sons. That is unfortunate because they are actually doing more damage by coddling him than they would do by tossing him. Every man needs to feel independent. He detests being "taken care of" and having to answer to anyone else. Have your mom try to calm herself and confront your brother with some harsh realities.
1. He is an adult now and must get out on his own.
2. He and she will get along a lot better once he does and he will be a lot happier. Given their history, I am certain that she'll get no argument there.
3. His ADD is a viscous goo through which he must wade through life. It will be easier to wade if he takes his meds but after this conversation, she will never again try to get him to take the meds. His life. His choice.
Sorry about the long post but I empathize with your mother's plight and feel that I have information that she desperately needs. Losing your dad must be an incredible emotional burden for her and explains the defeatist statement you quoted in your post. She needs you now more that ever and I think that you can give her what she needs. You now know what to say. Sit her down. Hold her hand. Look her in the eye and ask her to to listen carefully to your words. This may be more important that you can know, Worriedsis. She may blow you off, but you have to try.
My brother was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in kindergarten almost 15 years ago. Now he has just failed out of his first year of college and is back living at home. Unfortunately, he and my mother do not get along (to say the least). He literally blames her for all of his problems (including burnt toast) and will not even try to get along with her. He is obviously depressed but won't take any medications. She is becoming depressed herself and often says that 'you and your brother would be better off if i weren't around'. She wants to look into residential homes that he could live in. I want to try to help both of them. Does anyone know where to look for such services? She has contacted CHADD and is waiting to hear from them. We lost my father to kidney/heart failure 4 years ago and I am afraid that I will lose my mother soon as well. Please help!
worriedsis38183.4482523148Worriedsis,
I feel for you. I don't really have any good advice I just wanted you to know that I hear your concern. If your brother won't get help on his own I don't know how you can persuade him. Does he have a job? Could he get an apartment? Let your Mom know you would not be better off without her. I hope you can get help for both of them. Take care of yourself too!
-Gettingagrip-
What are your brother's plans now? Is he going to go to community college? Get a job? Before your mom decides to ship him off somewhere, try to encourage him to seek help. Why won't he take medications? Was he medicated before? Why does your mother put such guilt trips on both of you? It sounds like there's other things going on with your mother besides the problems with your brother and they have persisted for awhile.
Try to encourage both mom and brother to get help and good luck. Be patient with CHADD, I'm sure they'll come through. Be persistent.
Thank you for your responses! He has registered for community college for the fall. My mother wants him to get a job and he is totally resisting. That is the basis for most of the tension between them. She is always nagging him, and he is always putting her off. She has basically cut him off financially (not giving him any extra spending money) until he begins to even LOOK for a job. At this point, I think that he is too down and has convinced himself that he is a failure. He is currently going to therapy several times each week and everyone encourages him to take his medications. However, that has always been a battle in my house because he has never wanted to take anything (ritalin, adderall, even anti-depressants). At this point, he is 19, and with all the other arguing in the house, fighting with him to take meds, just isn't worth it. We don't win.
Thank you very much for all of your replies. Each one literally brought tears to my eyes. I haven't had a chance to speak to my mother yet. But my brother called me yesterday so excited he could barely get the words out that he was hired at a local store. I can already tell the difference in his voice. There is more confidence and pride. I have not forgotten where my family was just last week though and I will sit my mother down and speak to her as soon as our schedules permit. Thank you again for all your help, kind words, and thoughts.