CLOSURE letter to my parents | ADHD Information

I think another letter would be a really good move. You definitely want to be in control when you write. I also would caution you about completely closing the door. There may come a time that your parents make changes in their lives or get help for themselves that would make a relationship with you a possibility.

Also, if you completely close the door, it could have repercussions with your extended family. If you have relationships with aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, cousins, etc., your rift with your parents may put them in an awkward situation and force them to choose between you and your parents.

Anyway, good luck. I have friends and family who have very controlling mothers/fathers, and I've seen how hard it is for them to stand up for themselves. Some of them have been successful at being firm, setting boundaries for their parents, and being able to have a relationship with them-- a relationship with a healthy distance between them!

Thank you Taritac...I have set boundaries for us and my parents refuse to go by them.  The relatives who do remain in contact with me, my parents won't talk to anymore.  Isn't that sick.  I have one cousin that  loves to see me and my girls when I visit Vegas and my mother refuses to talk to her anymore.   They are in their late sixties and seventies...doubt they will change.   Thanks for the advice.  I will take it to !

My advice would be to go to a hypno therapist.  I went to one and she severed the ties I had with all the people in my life.  I know that sounds harsh, but  I think I had strings that controlled me to everyone.  When I cut those ties (in my relazed state) it was wonderful.  I was spinning and she had to take me out of hypnosis.  After my session, I could say no thank you to people who before would control my life - or I allowed to control my life.

I think it was one of the best things I have ever done in the self-improvement category.  It helped me emmensely.

You know, you can't change other people.  You can change the 50% of your side of the relationship.  Even if you change your 50%, you have changed the relation ship in some way. 

Things with your parents may never be perfect, or even close to being ok, but your life can be peaceful and purposeful. 

I would suggest trying to forgive and go on.  You can only make your life more bitter or more peaceful.  That part is up to you.  You will also give a gift to your children.  They will see you forgive and have peace with someone who is hard to have peace with.

Good luck to you.

 

Move if they are to close to you. My wife says well thats your opinion and this is my family and we will do it our way even if you dislike how we do things. She can relate but let her know she is hurting her Grandkids by her choices. Write the letter in away that puts you in charge not her. Send a letter saying how you prefer how things be instead. Wife tried with my Mom didn't help we just had to move. She told her I will do what I please. Wife said no you won't. Tell inlaws you will raise the kids how you and your spouse choose to not with her ideas. This is your family and do it how you want to. Why is it Gp's always have to offer unwanted advice? To us they are the reason Grandkids are spolied. pastmember/Bren38650.5917708333I wish it were that easy.   These are my parents and my mother has ALWAYS had control.  She is possible bipolar but never gotten help.  My husband and I set limitations with her (she needs to be nice to us around  our girls, she needs to have respect for my husband,  she cannot bad mouth my husbands family around our girls, she needs to ask us when she wants to see her grandchildren and we would make arrangements to have her come over).  My mother said she will not be told what to do by us.  She has banned us from many family events (my dad's 70th birthday because she didn't want me there...she was mad at me for not telling her I was pregnant first...this was her reasoning.  It was my father's fault too but he doesn't know how to say no to her.  I could go on and on.  Point is, she feels she has a right to be disrespectful to me, she feels she has the right to tell my husband  and me where we can and can't go with the family, she feels she has a right to be disrespectful to my husband and his family.  It's just neverending.  I need to end this for myself and my family even I don't send this letter.  I just want my closure.  I don't care if they never feel it.  I need it for myself and my family.
Okay, I will take the advice about the letter.  My husband and I moved out of the county a while back.  We wanted to live where we live now but also we moved away from their control as well.  They know too many people where they live and it has made life a whole lot easier.  I know running away won't solve anything which is why I have been dealing with my demons these past couple weeks.  I want to be over it.  I'll work on another letter where I am in control.   Hi Everyone!  I really appreciate all your responses.  Last night I was hurt and frustrated with my parents once again and decided this time to write the letter and send but not to them.  It felt good just to "send" it if you know what I mean.  I do need closure with my family because they have caused my husband and me nothing but heartache since before we were married.  In fact, they were the topic of a whole lot of our fighting.  My husband and I tried to make ammends with them when I was pregnant with our first baby but they showed no signs of wanting a loving relationship.  My mother's a very cold person and my father is in denial.  Anyway, I do need closure with them because they have not changed in the past three years we have not spoken.  I have changed a whole lot.  I understand what I do when I get hurt and I always thought family were the only one's a person can trust.  I don't want my children to know their  kind of hate, vindictiveness, and cruel ways of dealing with people.  I was also like you Zorg, I couldn't stand watching my father get treated so badly.  It made my husband and I sick to our stomachs that my mother has no problem treating so many people in her life so bad.  Anyway, I am trying to break that cycle and move on.  They know, getting my things is closure for me but I have learned through therapy that they don't want me to have that closure.  Once again, they want control.  I won't let them have control over my life anymore.  I will make sure to get my closure even it it means letting go of all the things I wanted to save for my kids one day.  It's so funny how my parents have hung on to these things for so long and now they won't let me have them.  Thanks for all your help in this matter.  I'll let you know what happens. 

Heidi [QUOTE=Davidornado] I would add:

P.S. I'll see you at your funeral.

[/QUOTE]

 

I WOULD ADD SEE YOU IN HELL M(*&^%  F&^%^&!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mother was a big problem in my life. When my X-wife was divorcing me, my mother wrote a letter to the court telling them that I should not be granted any rights what-so-ever to my son who was then only one year old.

After all was said and done (and I DID get a full 50% legal and physical custody of my son) I told my mother this:

The next thing I EVER want to hear or know about you is that YOU ARE DEAD...IN THE GROUND....GONE.....

She has made a couple of attempts to contact me since then, the most recent attempt was met with a highly threatening set of replies from me.

I think she has finally gotten the hint. My son is now 16. I have only seen my mother from a distance once since then (about 10 years ago). I have never regretted kicking her out of my life. My only wish is that my Father would get rid of her as well. She made his life a living hell as well.

Just because a person brings you into the world does not give them a free-for-all in your life. Like anyone else, they need to EARN respect in order to continue to get it. I dont care who you are. Kick me in the face enough times and I'll start to kick back.

Thats MHO.

ZORG38652.4777546296but sometimes floofthegoof --- you just have to make that break.  and if sending the letter does that for her, if it seals it then it is worth sending it.

my mother was encouraged by my step-father to re-open communication with my grandfather only to be stomped all over, in the most vicious, painful, unbearable, unjustified way --- all over again.  why did her soul have to be raked over burning coals again and again but that miserable, mean, bitter, insane, twisted, vicous bastard.

it is just not worth it.  as painful as it is to admit that your parent doesn't love you, never loved you if it is the truth better to accept that and MOVE ON.  it's not your fault.  it is just not your fault. 

and nothing you do will EVER change it.  nothing.   you could be the most perfect daughter or child in the world, in the universe - flawless, it won't change it.

so if that is the case for hawaii --- then she is better off sending the letter and having done with it.  as she said - closure.

but do it from strength not weakness.



Why send this? What, precisely, is the object of this letter? In a conflict, it's always better to act with deliberation than to act with passion.

  I would hold that for 4 or 5 days then read it again and if you still feel the same way, do what you think you need to do,

 

I would add:

P.S. I'll see you at your funeral.

Wow, hawaii. That letter is very harsh, and it's evident that you are writing it out of anger. You say that they are narcissistic and disrespectful, and that you want them out of your life, but at the end, you say that you forgive them. That seems contradictory.

Do you really, really, really want them out of your life? Because if that's what you want, this letter will probably accomplish that!

If what you really want is for them to come to their senses and act or communicate in some way that they haven't thus far, then I would do as Davidloyd suggested and hold the letter for a few days. Then I would rewrite the letter telling your parents how their actions made you feel and what you need from them (better communication, some attention, whatever). If they are open to the idea, a mediator would be an ideal way to help you resolve some of this conflict.

Of course, I'm suggesting this having absolutely no perspective on what your relationship up til now has been. I just know that parents and siblings can hurt you like no other people on earth, without even trying! But we usually put up with that because they can also love you like no others on earth. You are the best judge of whether your parents are more toxin than balm.

hah Davido - way too soft...

my sister wrote a letter to my grandfather on similar level but finished it with "if i go to your funeral it will only be to spit on your grave"


Believe me  this is my last resort...there is no longer anything else I can do.  I think my ADD is working overtime.  I just got off the phone with my father who has been wanting me to get my dollhouse from the home I grew up in for the past three years.  I know it makes no sense to some of you but those who understand please let me know what you think...I am planning on sending this soon.

October 24, 2005

Mom and Dad,

You have been disrespectful for the last time!  If you had no problem moving the dollhouse to Michael’s  house, why on earth could you not just take the things to my house or meet me half way to Orange County with all of my things I have wanted?  I have been wanting to get these things for so long and after three years of trying to find the room in our home for everything, you change the plans.  You make absolutely no sense in your decisions other than to be immature, disrespectful and show me how much you are rejecting me once again. 

My G-d!  I would think that within three years you would have matured to adults who have two beautiful granddaughters and would put everything aside to want to see them.  If mom did not want to see me and your granddaughters that is fine.  I don’t know how she could live without them but that is fine.   She could have left the house for about 1 hour, which is all it would have taken to load everything in the cars.  It was much more trouble for Iris and you to move the dollhouse and other things to Michael’s house rather than just leave it at the home I grew up in and have Mom leave for an hour.  I am not surprised though.  It’s spiteful, abusive and typical of you and I won’t tolerate that behavior in my life and my family won’t tolerate that behavior as well.  Your behavior in this matter is DISRESPECTFUL AND UNACCEPTABLE!!!  I just wanted some closure and you won’t even let me have that.  But, I won’t let you take control of my closure either.   This letter is giving me closure because I do not need a dollhouse or my costumes or my M.A. dolls that I grew up with and are all rightfully mine to feel the closure.  You have given it to me by not changing.   I hope you can live with yourselves for the rest of your lives and feel complete that you have rejected  me, and my family for the last time.  I wish this was all a joke or someone would let me know I was actually adopted.  It use to make me feel bad when I was little but now I would love to have those “adopted” words be true.  It would mean I do not share the same blood as you.  But, unfortunately I do have your blood and I will forever be watching my step throughout my life not to treat people the way you do!  There is a difference between you and me…I am not spiteful and I will not try to hurt anyone to get my way.  If you think for a second I have tried to hurt you…think again.  You have made all the choices in every dispute, argument and action.  You wanted to see your grandaugters and told everyone Howard and I were keeping them from you…you were wrong.  This is proof that I was giving you a chance to see them and you chose not to.  You have proven to me and my girls you do not want to be around or see us.  Being the disrespectful, spiteful and hurtful parents and grandparents you are we don’t need you in our lives to get hurt every time an effort is made on our part.  Remember…I am the one blessed with my children that you don’t want to make an effort for.  I am the one blessed with a good and decent life and I have no regrets.  Even if something happens to the both of you…I have NO REGRETS.  I will be able to live a happy life knowing I was a good daughter.  If you think differently…I wouldn’t be surprised…you can sure make up a lot of things when you get as angry as you do!

I know I will never speak to you again because you don’t have the nerve to apologize for your bad behavior but just remember this…you missed out on seeing me as a parent and two most wonderful, beautiful girls this world has ever seen.  I am not just saying that.  There are so many people that tell me how sweet, really sweet and beautiful Jordyn and Morgan are.  I know I am lucky therefore I know anyone who does not want to see them (meaning you) is missing out and obnoxious.  It takes a lot of balls to be you.  I don’t know of anyone so narcissistic as you Mom.  You are narcissistic and I think you know you are.  Why you want to suffer in life is beyond me but go ahead.  I pity you and that’s all.  Nothing else.  After being diagnosed with ADD I know what I have done and I know what I am capable of and I know what makes me tick.  You seem to know all the buttons to push on me and for that…shame on you.  Shame on you for being the parents you are and the grandparents you have chosen not to be to Jordyn and Morgan.  I forgive you though because I don’t need you or your bad, spiteful disrespectful behavior in my and my husband’s and Jordyn’s and Morgan’s lives.    I can say…I am okay and I am definitely okay with this being the last letter to you with no other correspondence. 

You guys really missed out on the best things in life but again…I know you already know that deep down in the so called hearts you think you have.

Good Riddance Mom and Dad!!!!!