uncontrolled emotions | ADHD Information

A huge part of ADHD is the round hole/square peg problem it creates between the ADHD individual and the society around that person.

The ADHD adult needs a new model for marriage/partnership that is less round hole/square peg.

me - I got the trapezoid peg - doesn't seem to fit anywhere unless you bash it - bash bash BASH the bugger!most of us wont admit we have a problem... it is called self defense. The most important thing to remember is, your emotions and needs may be immature and the only thing that will help you is time and direction, seek therapy full time.. This is something you both need to understand,,, FULLY. And you may still not be able to pull it off. But you have to acknowledge that you have this problem to begin with.

why is it that I can control my emotion's except when it comes to my wife, we are seperated, after 22 years. I keep pushing her to give us another try, she wants to be friends until I show her I'm sticking with therapy and med's, and then there still is a chance that she won't want to get back together.

I know she has a lot of anger but she won't go to therapy for us or even herself. and I'm still in love with her, she says she loves me but isn't in love with me, and I can hear the anger in her remarks towards me,

I get all emotional and act stupid, why can't I control this emotion I have for her? is it ADHD or I'm bull headed and won't give up on us, why does this screw with me so bad, it makes me feel like I'm to bad of a person to be given another chance.

Dave

Dave, us ADHDers are an emotionl bunch.... But 22 years is a long time, of course you would be so emotional. I heard those words spoken to me after only 3 years of marraige.... I love you but I'm not in love with you.... I can only imagine what it would be like after 22years. You have every right to feel emotional.

I don't know what your actions have been through all this, only you and your wife know that but be assured that just because you feel strong emotons it doesn't make you loopy..... It makes you human.

Your sig tag makes me cry I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. I hope you can be encouraged here to know it is ok to feel what you feel.

GymRose

she tells me I have the emotions of a 13 yr old girl, I just know I wouldn't give up on her. yes it was rough a lot of the times because of my ADHD, but if I knew

what I was doing to my family I wouldn't of done. if I would of realized what I was doing to them

Thanks !

Dave

I wouldn't pin your emotions in this situation on ADHD necessarily. Like GymRose said, 22 years is a long time. My only advice is for you to cool it. Pressuring your wife may only push her away.

Are you in therapy? What does your therapist advise about speaking with your wife and asking her to join you in therapy?

She would like her to come in, a couple times in the last 5 yrs I have gotten to a bad point and had break downs and was mssed diagnosed or I was diagnosed with ADHD, but I thought it only effected my reading and learning, not my everyday life, then depression and the meds they gave me didn't work,

Now after losing the most importent things in my life ( my Family ) it has opened my eyes to what I have done, and now excepting the fact that I have a mental illness and I'm dealing with it, but she won't believe me about how much I disliked the person I was,

I know my 3 years doesn't compare to your 22 but the best you can do is let go. It is a very difficult time and seperation and divorce is a death in a sense, if it finishes at seperation and you can work through it all together it will be the death of the old and something to start afresh. If your wife decides she doesn't want to reconcile, as hard as it will be, there is life in abundance on the other side no matter what age you are.

Taritac is so right though, you do need to let go and not push your wife....... Think of it like a magnet, when the correct ends of two magnets are put together they automatically and simply lock together with no effort however when the opposing ends of the same magnets are forced together they repel one another with a force that sends them both off course and the harder you try to connect them the more they shoot off in different directions.

Unlike magnets we have feelings to complicate the issue and I know how very very Very hard it is to walk away when you love so very very much. It cuts deep but you do need to let go, maybe for a time, maybe more but I can assure you the pain does dull day by day but just take it a day at a time or even an hour if needs be.

I know what your all saying is right about letting go, but I'm so bull headed, it's like it kills me to give up on us. we had so many happy wondeful times,

I look at my kids and I see her, I'm just in love and can't let go, but I know I have to, or lose her completely

After any time at all in a marriage, you and your spouse form a bond that goes inside of you. No matter how good or bad a marriage is, that bond is there. You were the one with the most invested emotionally so it is going to feel like your guts have been ripped out and then twisted and twisted. Am I right? That is how I felt and I don't think that was an unusual way to feel under the circumstances. You also have kids which you miss and worry about.

I imagine that even if she is feeling relieved, she is also feeling a measure of pain and her own guilt in this. No matter what she says, it took two to ruin your marriage and she knows it, even if she doesn't want to admit it. She doesn't want to go to a counselor because she may have to acknowledge her own contribution to the break up and that she could do more to try to work it out.

I am assuming that you were not abusive to her or your kids. If you were, that is a different story.

I can tell you from experience that there is no easy way to get through this. One thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself and your ADHD completely. It took two to break it down. You may have played a larger part in it than she did, but maybe you didn't. How much did she actually do to try to help you be the best you could be? Was she really the martyr that she wants you to think she was?

Stop thinking of her as a saint and force yourself to look at her as a human being who didn't meet all of your needs or fulfill all of your expectations. Don't put all the blame on her shoulders, but let yourself believe in you just a little bit. You are the one who was committed to the marriage and family. You are the one who is trying not to hurt the other, who is thinking about the kids. You are not using them as pawns.

Go ahead and get angry, not that she couldn't take any more, but at the fact that she is letting you accept all the blame and responsibility.

I was never abusive, with her or the kids. she is a great mother and she was crazy about me until I lied to her after she said one more lie and we are over,

she just believes that I won't change, I'm so tired of being this way, if she could only step into my mind and see what I'm dealing with, and with my mind I didn't even think about what she said about the one more lie. am I self centered or does our brains actually let us do things like this and not even realize what we are doing?

Our brains lie to us. We don't believe what we should believe and take things too seriously that we shouldn't take so seriously.

Dave, why won't she go to counseling so she can try to understand you? I had to learn to listen to my husband and to ask him things more than once to get at the truth. I have ADHD also, right along with him.

If I could learn to understand what makes my husband the way he is and find ways to get at the truth, anyone can. You have to want to though.

Please stop beating yourself up over this. She had her perfect little ideas of a perfect little world and you didn't fit into her perfect little box.

I am not asking you to hate her. I just want you to realistically look at the situation. It took two. You are not the only bad guy here and she is not the perfect martyr who just couldn't take any more.

she won't talk about her feelings, she says she won't go to therapy because I haven't been trying long enough, if you only knew how far I have come in these 2 1/2 months, but when I defend myself I get I have heard this all before

I know all of you are right, she has even told me this,

it's just so frustrating dealing with emotions and thoughts, all I know is I love her enough to let her go, I do want her back someday, when I have earned her back, I want to be someone she can respect and depend on! and we are crazy for each other again and I know it all depends on me! I'm working on it!

Thanks Guys!

Dave

i can only speak for my mother who was married to my ADD father for 23
years and spent the ENTIRE time, putting us (her children) my father and
everyone else in front of her own needs, her own happiness. she never
complained, she never argued, she just gave and gave and gave until she
was plain broke...

she had nothing more to give. and she divorced my father and remarried
two years later and i couldn't have been MORE HAPPY for her. to a non-
ADD man who GAVE to her. it wasn't all about him all the time. things
that seem so small perhaps but are just all the difference (and nothing
materially - i mean emotionally). like my step-father organises for them
to go travelling together... something he knows my mother loves.
something my father also knew my mother loved but would never do,
because he wasn't so keen on it. so even if my mother arranged
everything at the last minute we would have to cancel, 'something' would
come up.

i am so happy for my mother that she has found someone not only who
loves and considers her (although he is far from perfect) but who can
GIVE to her, emotionally and spiritually, so that she is no longer WORN
OUT. she is happy. fulfilled. and she REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DESERVES
IT!!!! more than anyone she constantly sacrificied her life, her desires,
her needs for everyone else. constantly. for all of us. and i am SO
HAPPY that she has found happinness at last.

and for you Dave - i wouldn't say you are bad at all. i would say at most
you are selfish and you don't know how to be otherwise and are
struggling perhaps now to try to learn it. but i think the most selfless
thing you could do is to give your wife her freedom. with your blessing.

i don't think you love her more than life itself - or you would do that for
her. no, you want her (for you) more than life itself - how SHE feels about
it is irrelevant. that's what i think. it's not selfless it's selfish, it's still all
about you and what YOU want. really i think that is true. but i could be
wrong....

being selfless is something different entirely.

i don't want to put you down - i am sure you are a nice enough guy and
all but you want what you want and probably always have done.

if you want to know how to learn to be selfless it's easy. listen to what
other people want and then let that happen.

if you want to watch baseball but your child would love to go ice-skating,
even if you would rather set your hair on fire than go ice-skating, you go.
and what's more you pretend as well as you possibly can that you are
loving it and you don't leave until they want to go themselves.

it's simple like that. you don't constantly bulldoze what YOU want over
what other's want. YOUR needs/desires don't take precedence...

you notice little things like - you say to your wife/child "let's do this..."
and they look down and say in a small voice "ok, if you want to" and you
don't rush ahead and do it. you say "is there something else you had in
mind?" kindly, not sarcastically and when they say "i would love to go to
the ice-rink again" you go, what a great idea -- i didn't really feel like
doing that (first thing) in the first place.....

that's it. simple like that. unselfishness. not constantly demanding, not
constantly taking, not constantly counting the cost.

maybe you never were selfish in your actions ---- but then perhaps you
are unable to GIVE to your wife emotionally, maybe that is just the way it
is. and she is depleted and just can't give any more.

some people are a bit like emotional vampires... they drain people. not
consciously and not purposely and it is not their fault - but they can. so
those people around them NEED a break - so can you not give them that
time to replenish, must you keep on draining just for your sake? what
about them? can you not just give them what THEY ask for, for once -
not what YOU want to give them but what they ASK for?

i hope this doesn't come across as harsh. i just want you to be able to
see it ---

it is not a criticism of you - just how the situation might be. i salute you
for wanting to change, and i hope you learn how to be a wonderful, loving
husband. it's not necessarily easy. so good luck with it.

chjones understands the way of the adhd, very well. maybe to well... off with the head

great post chjones. I take a bow to you.

ps, daveloyd, I think she has made her mind up, and is leading you along till this "meeting" then she is going to lay it all out for you. Don't be suprised if she walks away for good. you never listened to her, now why would she listen to you?
bugzappers38652.8219791667

I'm going to keep my hopes up, I know what I had and lost, and I know what it will take to get it back, we didn't stay together for 22 years because we didn't enjoy each other, when I have kept my mouth shut we still get along great, we just went to the movies this last Saturday night, and we laughed and just enjoyed each other

So If I keep my stuff together we would have a very happy marriage! it's just a struggle right now, with all this being new and everything!

I know it's not fair to really talk about my marriage on here, we were crazy about each other, for the first 20 years, then 2 yrs ago I lost it somewhere, mental I was not stable and she didn't see this, and I felt like sh*t all the time. and I took it out on those around me, Plus I have had problems with this threw out my life,

I am doing everything I can to get better, My wife knows this, I've realized with all your advice I need to back off and let her heal and work on my healing,

I've ask my wife if we could get together and she said yes for sunday, I ask her in an e-mail if we could set in a quiet room with no distraction so I hear everything she has to say and she can listen to me,

You all have probably saved my marriage, it may be a yr down the road, but we are worth it!! my family is worth it!

Thanks Dave

that is pretty harsh for not knowing me at all, it sounds to me like your taking your pain for your mother out on my situation,

My marriage was nothing like your mothers, we have always tried to be there for each other. many times I held her in my arms and cried with her when thing's were tough, when she laid in bed for a week with a severe sinus infection. I took care of her, when she has her fibromiagel pains I do anything I can to take the pain away, I rub her feet when her feet hurt, I truly love this woman and I screwed up,

and you say I'm selfesh, couldn't I say the same thing about her, I'm only human and we all make mistakes, even her, I just know what bothers her and that is me not keeping a job ( which I just found out I have been doing jobs that aren't good for my ADHD.) and my lying, which I've done great on! I use whats called the 2 step method, lying was me telling people I could do something before I thought it out, then I wouldn't do what I said and it has alot to do with my selfesteem, which is getting better! I was trying to be someone I'm not, I'm just finding myself at 42,

Funny, I read this one differently... who knows how it will shake out... but it seems to me if she is saying that she wants to see where you're at after more time on meds and therapy, she plans to take you back if indeed you show the changes she's looking for.

For now, let her go, and just do the work. For one thing, you can survive without her. But the other thing is, you probably won't have to. If she was really, really done with you there would be no need for her to start setting forth conditions -- she would just be doing what it takes to get you out of her life. She isn't doing that. Why not just consider this a brief respite from each other? My guess is that things have been exhausting and not much fun lately anyway. Get out of her face and let her miss you! She can't miss you if you are desperate to reconcile. It's economics -- if something is free, or worse, if somebody is desperate to give something away, its value goes down. You can't want something that someone is forcing you to have! Ironically, if you start pulling yourself together, you will not feel as dependent on this relationship anyway. Find great things to do on your Sundays without her -- my guess is that when you felt more secure you were probably able to be apart from her without all this freaking out. Let yourself feel that security again! You might as well, because you can't control the outcome, anyway. Feel it and let it become real!

This strand is so painful to read. There are so many people's lives I see here and even my own but in a strange way... I'm the wife and I'm the one with ADHD and I'm the one that hurt my husband. However, he's the one with reason, more personal integrity, etc, but the biggest issue in our marriage has always been his insane "need" for me. In hindsight, I can see it when we were dating and now, 13 years later, we're getting better but it is so hard to get us both to change what we need to.

From the wife perspective, you need to stop feeling that if only she could see how far you've come... how much you need her... how you know what we're all saying is true... all those are the sayings of an addictive personality (me included). Those are what I hear out of my own non-ADHD DH. He has come a long, long way. When we first married, he couldn't stand if I was out having fun with friends and he wasn't. He got mad because I said an actor was cute. He was jealous of everything and I was so completely madly in love and dedicated to him. I didn't do so many things with so many friends and lost some because he couldn't have me be independent of him. Then, after we had the kids, I was home full-time with babies, not getting any sleep and he was traveling a lot. It was painful. At some point something broke in me and I went in an instant from being head-over-heels-in-love ( a long, long honeymoon period) to a total resentment and coldness towards him. In some respects I almost hated him for everything he kept me from or for every moment he tormented me with jealousy. When my kids started school (preschool and kindergarten) suddenly I had a couple hours to myself and it got worse... he called every hour and couldn't not know everything I was doing at every moment. And I had never, ever done anything to hurt him. It was illogical and hurtful.

The more agregious (sp?) event was my fault. I finally broke and did hurt him and lie, etc. It was awful, painful and devastating. I hated him, he was hurt by me, it was a terrible, vicious circle. However, on the more positive side, we got counseling and it started an upward climb that is still continuing now a few years later. We had to stop after a few sessions because I would have divorced him. It was like they brought up everything that I hated about him and us and it hurt more. Sometimes, rehashing everything sucks. The therapist told him once when he went alone that he had to stop calling me 10 times a day and that he wouldn't be able to stop me if I was going to do something so he better get a grip or he'll lose me.

I have no excuses and expect no sympathy but he sounded like you Dave. If you continue to push you'll lose all chance of reconciliation. You absolutely need to back off and learn to be alone. You MUST develop a sincere contentment with yourself alone or she will never be able to be with you. If it took 22 years to leave, as someone said above, she didn't act rashly.

As a side note... I was finally diagnosed with ADHD only a few months ago. This has made my entire life seem clearer. I can finally see why I did what I did and why I thought the way I thought. I finally can see what we're dealing with for myself personally and it has helped our marriage too. I'm so incredibly imperfect but I've learned to genuinely love my DH again and while it is still difficult at times, we've come so far and we're so much better off than when we first married. Right now my greatest struggle is that I can't have the career I want because he couldn't deal with it. That's my test now and I'm trying to get over it. Some days are good and some are difficult but thankfully, all are better than they used to be.

That's a way, too-long explanation for anything but you need to let go Dave. If you let go, she may actually come back. The more you need her the more she will distance herself. As with my DH, the more I can get him not to "need" me, the happier I am to be "with" him. And be sure to be always listening to what she wants and needs, not what you want to give her. Don't want to wait on her, don't put her on a pedestal, don't be a servant... love her so much that you only do and give what she explicitly asks for and only when she actually asks for it. Learn from my DH's mistakes. Learn from my mistakes. Breathe. Pray. Do anything you have to in order to not need her in your life. Create space. Be distant. Grow apart. Get your own life. It's imperitive or neither of you will survive. And don't forget that there are so many of us here that know what you two are going through. We're here to listen, offer advice and understand.

Look, focus on YOU. I know you could care less about yourself, or do you? You are seeking her because she is the only thing that can make it right, for who? YOU!!

You have to face the facts and the truth.

you have adhd, and it shows. How? because you need her and it shows she needs you less. And why? Because you depended on her for everything and she dumped you over a lie you told her. Your dependence on her is obvious, as most adhd'ers, she was the "ONLY THING I COULD EVER NEED". Well, she did all the things you couldn't do as you have adhd, and now without her, your lost. You feel and act like a complete spoiled baby over it, and that is how it feels, like a huge hole. Like your mother has just disowned you and left town.

I know this sounds harsh, but that is how us adhd'ers feel when we are removed from the situation unwillingly. Like spoiled little kids, who whine and cry and never realize that were doing it, or that we can't change. Yes, this is why I am so down on having adhd. I hate it. But I have to accept it and move on.

I have been in your shoes, many times, and each time dumped, I acted the same way. EXACTLY. So if she left you now, 3 yrs ago, or 3 yrs from now, you would react the same way. I know everyone is trying to point out she is not all that and a bag of chips, but to you, she is.

But rather than call her and bother her incessantly, write her letters all the time, you will be suprised how much better you feel. DON'T MAIL THESE RAMBLINGS, BURN THEM AFTER A DAY OR TWO, You will be writing constantly, but at least she will see your not on her 24/7 and you can communicate to the "her" in your head.

Just write it all out, you will keep doing this until you figure out how you will get through this. Time helps. When you do get your kids, all alone for the first time, shut up about mommy, and don't depress them with your problems, they want to see daddy and have fun.. do just that, it will speak louder than them going home telling about how you tried suicide, and how much you love her, and you want her back, and all the whine. If she sees they had fun and did things with you, it would help to show that you have changed. This also gives her time to really be alone with her thoughts. You see, every moment with the kids reminds her of you, that is why she stays mad at you without you being there. She has no time to move past it, or get on with it. So she stays focused on you, not being there because you lied, and she drew the line at lying, and you blew it, and she gets more mad. So when you get the kids, no mommy talk. just fun and games.

but just to let you know, most adhd'ers will lie. Why? I don't know. Most also steal, and do other things. We are basically immature in all areas, and can barely maintain a heartbeat on our own. DO we lie every second of every day? no, only when it suits us, or need to outdo someone else. Do we steal every second of the day? NO, again only when it suits us or when we really need something. And usually it has to be with no consequences. Now I am not saying we all 100% do this, but about 68% of adhders do. We also view it differently than what it really is. medications help relieve some of this, and there are some that DON'T do any of it. you seem to do the lying.

your adhd is showing all the time.

How do I know? Because you could care less if she came back with nagging or because she wanted to, so long as she came back. Why? INSECURITY and SHE IS Structure. Adhd has NO structure and it has insecurity. And that is paramount. Maybe it is time to get the meds changed or looked at again. usually medication will help with the being so NEEDY ASPECT.
I don't know if she is coming back after a cool off or not. But if you keep nagging at her, you may drive her further away.

PS, your not alone. If it happened to me today, I would be you all over again. Babbling and all. acting like I can't breathe without this person. It is all immature feelings that never developed for whatever reasons. adhd,bpd,pd, anything... . We are insecure and it is rampant.

bugzappers38652.7026157407

Wow--you sound just like my husband Dave. I had to kick him out to get him to see what he was doing. He is back--but conditionally. Let me tell you that after years of being lied to, kids included, we are not really going to believe a sudden change is real or permanent.

Had this same discussion with my DH this weekend. He says "I can't make you believe me now, even when I am truthful". Well, actually yes he can. He can make me believe by continuing to live honestly and following through, and not relying on me to manage things for him. Nope, I am not going to have 100% faith in him after 6 weeks of the New Him. BUT the more I see him taking care of himself and business, the more I believe. It is very fragile at this point though. He was ready to give up when I questioned his truthfulness. After 10 years of lies, of course I am going to question it!

Honestly, I think it might be easier for all concerned if we could afford to have him do this away from me and the kids. It's painful to watch and I think we do slow him down and distract him, because he is used to doing things the way he has always done them. Take this oportunity to make YOURSELF better. If you haven't totally killed the love, you may be able to re-ignite it. Or not. But at least you will like yourself. Be the man, the husband, the father that you WANT and need to be. Let go of trying to control her emotions or feelings.

Those are my plans! I believe I have a chance with her and my family, I just need to keep going like I am. and stay on med's and the therapy.

You say your husband is like me, then that means he loves you more then his own life, can honestly say he never desired another women but you for 22 years. and he can honestly say he did not realize what he was doing, but he is responsiable for his action and not dealing with his illness,

I'm to the point now I want to change for me, I'm tired of feeling nothing for myself, and trying to be someone I'm not, and this is my own fault! I had the chance twice before to do something and I would get to feeling better then stop the med's, and slip back to the old Dave. I'm not going there ever again!! it will kill me, it came close this summer,

Dave

Bugzapper

My wife did not do everything for me! I had no problem taking care of my every day needs, thats whats strange about my ADHD compared to most I'm a neat freak, everything in it's place, what is not in order for me is life, career, relationships, money.

I just found out for myself that I don't need her to survive, the thing's I've done for myself in these last 2 1/2 months has proved a lot to myself. and to her, it's just I have to keep it up which I have no other plans but to. I have lied to my wife on several occasions, I lied when I was scared of dissappointing her, I no longer need to be with her I want to be with her, I learned there is a big difference between the two,

I have gained a new respect for myself and her,with what I've learned about myself in this short time, I'm glad in a way this happened it open my eyes to the real me, living alone made me look at myself in a way I never have before, I didn't like what I saw!

Hello Dave,

You sound like the flip side of my husband & I.

I can't speak for your wife, but I can say from where I stand, she is more then likely worn out, I know thats how I feel. I've been with my husband 22 years aswell & married 18. He has drain the life ot of me. I often think about leaving, how I'll do it & how will my children & I cope. Its a tormented life to live for both parties, but its still a life. I feel you will have to prove yourself, many times over, then it may not help you reconcile. But at least you will have become a better person & hopefully, you have a long life friend in your wife. One of things I feel ADD's do is, not letting go of something long after they should have.

Bye, jen

Life plan? Well live life for a starter. Let whatever comes your way have a chance of setting in on you.

One bit of life advice I can say to you is give yourself the time alone to grow. If I was still with my ex - this could not happen. You know as I do - you become comfy in that old-shoe relationship. Why change - it feels just fine!!

By being just me in my apartment with my job, my bills and my thoughts - I could be able to find my center. I am what you see here because I had to be.

You'll find it- but don't be scared of being alone with you. With good meds and good therapy - you aren't such bad company!

Master Glen

Oh wise one, I know what you say is true, it's just a killer to feel this pain, maybe I'm nieve to thank I wouldn't give up on her if she was dealing with a mental problem.

I want to scream at her didn't you see me struggling with this for 22 years! How can you think I don't want to get better. look at what i've done to our family,

Plus I'm one of those people that want to know now, is that part of ADHD? she is so cool with not being part of each others life's, and I feel reborn and want to share it with the one person I thought would be elated with my progress. she doesn't give me anything she feels inside.

it's like she is just there, I believe she has a lot of anger she isn't dealing with, that keeps her from giving us a chance, and won't except the fact that this is a desease,

Grasshopper

Daveloyd - you cannot rush this thing! Time - it is what you have in large quantities. Heal thyself - the rest will follow.

My ex didn't even look twice back my way until I'd been in therapy and on meds a long time. Then - we'd talk on the phone and she started off by saying "why couldnt' you be like this when we were together?" - to which I said - "that guy is not me - he's long gone and this guy lives here now - it never could have happened then."

Later on she began to bring up ifs - if you could stay like this could we... if I wanted to get back together could you... like that. I cannot - pain is still here with me and reminds me that we'd shred each other eventually. For you - maybe there's hope.

You have to lead by example. Go to therapy. Eat, sleep, work. Don't pursue her - pursue health. If she likes what she sees - a month, 6 months, a year from now - then there's hope!

If you keep going back to the empty well trying to squeeze water out - you'll never find it. Walk back - do your thing and be concerned with YOU. You were the main reason things didn't work our - YOU have to be the one to change first. Let her see - but it takes time.

Master Glen

I know everything you say is right. I was wondering if you had a life plan, or some system your on that you could share with me, I'm still waiting to see a speacialist that deals with ADHD,

My therapist doesn't speacialize in this, so feel like I'm starting over again with a new therapist, I just want to reach the place you are at. and never go back to feeling this way,

Ah green-like-willow branched one - you remember some of what I taught you. Good.

Remember - it took years and years for her to give up - what makes you think it will take days to reconcile?

It is ADHD-ish to be wanting it NOW NOW NOW - but also as you can see infantile in desire like that. ADHD is not an anchor around you preventing action - but a stubborn wheel on a cart - you must be the driver of the cart - not the wailing child in the basket.

Anger is much like a lava river. If you never let it cool and remove the pressure from around it's flow - it will never turn solid and calm. Let her cool - take away the strain and stay back where all can see you turn into the MAN you know is inside.

The pebble awaits the next try grasshopper

it's hard for any of you to be happy when there is so much tension like there is. Follow what we've discussed - space, time away, discuss this with her first as it's true kids are number one.

When you get the space - you can look inside. That's key for later on.

Don't worry - you are on track.

I have to ditch you now - been up overnight and time to sleep. Take care - don't give up - there is hope always.

CHjones

I know what you say is right, just hard to let go, no I'm not a stalker. it's just one day she gives me hope and the next nothing, if she didn't do that it wouldn't be as hard to walk away

Excellent Dave - then hear me now and believe me later.

Step back from it all - way back.

Take this time to learn and heal yourself. You are no good to her or the kids if you are still a mess. If you stay with them so close - you are doomed to fail. Hate to put it like that - but if you stay cozy in habits and daily rituals - there is no change. I still feel the temptation to go back to ex - get into the same rut. I know - I KNOW that if I did - I'd end up making her and me sad. But - if I had wanted to go back to her - I'd keep my councilling up, get her in with me (now that I've had a year of it) and we'd work slooooowly towards the final reunion.

Take it slow, careful - and for now alone. It's the way it works best when anxiety is all!

I hear exactly what your saying! it's just hard to not think of myself with this pain, I do want them happy!! it's just hard to say it's not with me right now.

It makes me feel like I'm a bad person that my family aren't happy when I'm around,

chjones was speaking her mind - and if I didn't know where you are coming from (or where you could be doomed to go) I might too.

I know you're not a stalker - and I also know your wife is bouncing back and forth in confusion and making you mad. Happened with me over 13 years. Back and forth - she would find another guy - rediscover me and it was the same old again. Love, hate same coin just another toss.

She can't be the grownup here - you have to be and I know - that sucks.

You can be the adult and say "not goodbye but til later" to her - make arrangements to see kids minus her for the time being. Be strong or be back in the loop my friend.

You'll do it - just have to set your mind. Keep your meds AND your head up!!

- i am sure she wants you in the children's life for their sake. it's important for children to have an available father figure (i think).

can you not just really try to stop looking at it always through your perspective. sit back and say --- what i want is for my wife and children to be the most happy they can be and if that is painful for me, so be it. if it is best for them that i don't show my unhappinness, that i don't demand attention, that i am there for them - stable adn secure when i can be then i will be that. that i want them to find the happinness they deserve - that i will do all that i can to support them finding that happinness with no regard to myself....

in this situation i put myself, my own emotions last not first.
I know what your saying, I'm trying with everything I have, I don't think my meds are at full power yet, some times I feel like it's not getting any better then I have 2 or 3 good days where I don't contact her, then, she will call me about our daughter and it draws me back to that chancing her. and feeling lonely and frustrated

She's not being very helpful there. My exgf was like that too. Go away go away, come closer come closer. You might have to do the unthinkable - and tell her to give YOU the space you need - to think and heal.

Think about it - and do what you know you need to for this to work for everyone.

dave -- i guess i am going to be the nasty one here. but it still seems self-centred of you. why do you want to be with your wife when you know it will make her more unhappy? why is your happinness more important than hers?

let her go. she deserves a chance at happiness too and i don't think she will find that through you - there is too much anger and bitterness and resentment. stop being selfish for a minute, stop thinking only about you and start to think what would make HER happy.

not in relation to you - not so it is all about you still. what would make HER happy in HER life.

Thanks Glen

I'm learning something new about myself everyday, I'm doing everything right for myself except this, I will listen to what ever advice you have to give, it has done wonders for me so far.

Dave