How much longer can I cope! | ADHD Information
know what, jen?
from your first post i suspected that you see your husband as suffering from something, and less as you in an abusive situation.
it sounds like a very painful way for you all to live.
i think there are things you can try before getting the law involved or leaving.
as long as there is no physical or sexual abuse happening.
are you able, or have you told him directly that his temper and anger are a constant source of pain for you all ?
what about letting him know that.
was there a time when he wasn't like that? a time you could remind him of ?
bugzappers makes a lot of good points.
on the face of it, you should get away somehow. but you think he would change if he knew how.
he probably believes there are good reasons for his bad behaviour. but what reason justifies the suffering of you and your children?
does he wish he was less hot-headed ? does he think of himself as a bully?
There was a time about 20 years ago he was alot of fun, but from talking to his mother he has always like things his own way.
Like the other day(Friday, Australian time). I needed to get medication for blood pressure & depression. I was told by him, I'd have to wait till pay day, which was 5 days away. But, on Saturday he had the money (0 Aus) to go to the pub & (Aus) to put in a betting account today. Now I might be wrong, but does this seem alittle screwed. The more I think about it the more it upsets me. He never seems to think about anyone but himself, yet, he'd tell you different. Not a day goes by that I don't think about asking him to leave. Why can't he see what he's like????... he reckons he can, but nothing ever changes. I try to understand the problems with ADD, but after so long of hitting my head against that brick wall, I think I must have suffered some sort of brain injury by now.
I'm to the point now I don't know how I feel about him anymore. When I look back over the years, he has done so many hurtful things to me & ruined so many major events in my life.
He was raised by a father who cheated on his own wife for 17 years & was finally kicked out. His father was very selfish & always had his own way. I must say my husband isn't quiet as bad as his father, but he's on his way.
I can't understand why I have more patience with my son with ADHD, then I do husband. I feel I'm in a tug-a-war, I want to stay with him, but I don't. I think about how peaceful my life may be!
Bye, jen
jen, read the book 'a doll's house' ??you can't help your husband or anyone until you start helping yourself..
and that means that you have to start empowering yourself in some way or another..
whether that be in learning new skills, getting further qualifications, or just socialising with new ppl...
once you start feeling better and your own self esteem rises, maybe then will your husband actually sit back and listen..
why do you think he has adhd?? he sounds pretty clinically depressed..
Jenn, I wonder the same thing-- whether ADD is causing his/your problems. ADD does not make men become selfish bastards who cheat on their wives. While ADD people do have problems managing money, poor memory, and sometimes not recognizing the needs of others, the problems are generally not as extreme as what you've described for your husband. He might have ADD, but he also sounds depressed and angry. Those are separate issues from ADD.
I know you want to help your husband, but you can't do ANYTHING for someone who does not want to help himself. It's impossible to change someone who doesn't want to change.
taritac38656.2965393519Jenn--there is a great book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (sp?). Go to your library and check it out. It really helped me when I was making the decision to stay or leave. This book will help you separate YOUR feelings and behaviors from his. You do not have to be controlled by the way HE acts. It talks about spouses of alcoholics, but it really applies to anyone in a dysfunctional relationship such as you describe. You need to take a hard look at how you are taking care of yourself. Why are you not important enough to get your medications? Why are his wants/needs more important than yours? What does that say to your kids?
I asked my husband to leave and think about what he wanted from life, whether it was me and the kids or his addictions and behavior. The few days he was out of the house seemed to be an epiphany for him. And no, it wasn't easy for me. But I knew we couldn't go back to the way things were. In the end, I stood my ground FOR the children. He knew I was serious, and that I will throw him out for good if the old behavior comes back. He is getting counseling, and other treatment. But it had to be HIS choice. All the begging, crying, and ranting I did for years did NO good whatsoever. And if you asked him, he was a GREAT husband. We are still working on things, and it's far from perfect. But it's a dam sight better because we're both REALLY trying and not just the same old cycle.
Write it out Jenn. What you want for you and your kids. What you deserve. What you NEED. Read it over and over. Get counseling for yourself. Do you want your kids to grow up and marry someone like this? Show them they deserve more!
Having the guts to do want I need to is the hardest thing, some days he's ok & I think ok, maybe I can stay at it, but the bad days, I just want to run away. It doesn't help when I've shut my 2 brothers & 2 sisters out of my life. (I'm the youngest of 5) None of them like my husband.
It scares me to death thinking of getting some qualifications or a job, it scares me to the point I feel physically sick. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I'm absolutely positive he's ADD, from things I know about his past, to the every day things, he's like a text book on ADD. I've mostly pointed out the worse points in him, he has all the classic ADD behaviours aswell. But coming from a 'problem family' himself, I think it's compounded the problems.
I guess I keep hangin in, hopin one day he might see, what we suffer everyday.
Bye, jenn
P.S. I will chase the books up, Thanks.
You're in a hard spot girl - I feel for you in this.
It will come down to a matter of how much discomfort you are willing to tolerate before change. If he won't change and you can tolerate what life is like - then it's going to stay. If you find it's just too much - then you can start plotting where to go. If my some miracle he figures out he's messing you up - well then that would be awesome! The pain of change has to be less than the pain of staying where you are. It's a biological reflex - from single cells up. If you stimulate a cell in a way it doesn't like - it tries to get out of there. Just biology.
You should check out a local employment agency. Most will help you "pad up" your resume. You might find you are more qualified for work than you think. I used to help people with resumes and with a good writer it can be made to show who you truly are.
Stick around with us if you can dear. There is nothing but time for you - and noone knows what will come next - not even you.
I am thinking positive for you here - hoping all will end up fantastic!
Sometimes the hardest step is the first one. Resolve to do what YOU need.Jenn,
What bugzappers says is true. You need to get him out. You need to look out for yourself, your kids. I wouldn't go as far as suspecting him as abusing your kids but it is true, you just never know.
This guy cheated on you and may very well still be doing so. He just probably got a little more clever.
You can't fix him. But you can fix things for your kids and you by getting him out. Surely you don't want your kids to grow up thinking this is how marriage should be. You don't want the cycle to continue.
This will be the hardest thing you have ever done but I know you can do it. You are strong whether you know it or not. After-all you have been strong enough to withstand his mental abuse. That is one strong woman!
I don't how this became a discussion about how to deal with my husband's ADD, to me defending him, as possibly sexually abusing our daughter. It seems to have taken on a life of its own. Where did I ever say that had happen?... you have drawn your own conclusions & there VERY VERY WRONG. My daughter & I have a very close relationship, we talk very openly & honestly with each other. It upsets me greatly to think anyone would think that of him, how dare you!
He maybe alot of things, but he is not what your suggesting.
To the people who have given me some good hard advice, I thank you. But to those of you who have suggested my husband is some sort Rock Spider, I really don't care to hear from you again. He lots of issues but being a Rock Spider is not one then, OK!
Bye Jenn
your desperate and clinging to him after 22 yrs of this, STOP THE INSANITY.22 yrs is long enough. you obviously don't know any better and all you do know is life with him. your scaring yourself with bs from him, and hanging on his every word. I am a MAN I am 36 yrs old, I also am on the outside looking in. I am telling you, get out before your dead. my wife HAD a friend that was abused and she did her thing but stayed with him, 3 yrs ago, he drown her in a bathtub and she died. He got away with it as the county had nothing police wise to go on as she would never follow through or file a complaint. so he said she had a siezure, which she never has had before, and drowned. she was cremated and an autopsy was never performed as he had her body and the evidence destroyed before full forensic testing could be done. he walks free to this day, she left behind a 16 yr old daughter and a 14 yr old son, to be raised by this MAN.
I seen the kids a while back, they are very despondent and wanted to run away to our house and hide from him. he controls them both and makes them do as he wants, even at 19 yrs old and 17. I told them to go and file charges and have him served with a restraining order to stay away from them. They acknowledged what I said, and I offered to drive and stay with them there. They declined. I told them then that coming to me would be a mistake as then I would get a restraining order to keep him away from my property, not that I need one, but for legal reasons, and to benefit them. They had no interest in the law as they had lost all hope in the law when the father had failed to go to jail. so they felt sneaking around and hiding like young kids is the answer. so her not calling the law and filing a report gave the police NOTHING to go on, but claims coming from her pals, which is something, but not enough, as the court contended that we all had malice for him, and it was impossible to prove we didn't, cause we did, and that we all had gone on hearsay, as nothing was documented and proven before the court.
So her inaction is still affecting her KIDS, 3 YRS AFTER HER DEATH. make a decision, then do it. otherwise don't come on the board asking for help and not liking what you hear. this guy sux, you do better on your own, and the government will help you and you GET TO STAY IN THE HOUSE, THE ABUSER LEAVES, NOT YOU.
this guy i am talking about is very decietful and not worth a damn. sounds like your guy. and as far as sexual abuse, HOW DO YOU KNOW? do you ask her? my wife was abused by her dad for 10 yrs.. 10 YRS. her mom HAD NO CLUE ANYTHING WAS GOING ON. from 1yr old till 11 yrs old...until my wife found out that it wasn't right and got the nerve to tell after a whole childhood of him telling her he would kill her if she told anyone. something she should have never had to know to begin with. I dealt with many problems because of that.. THE OTHER PARENT IS ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.
I have to say, I don't want police involved, cause they is no need. He is a good man, with lots of problems, I can't help him with.
We've been through alot, including him cheating on me 5 years ago with a woman he met on a chatline. They met up & it went from there. It lasted afew months & broke up after she decided to say with her husband. He lied & lied that it wasn't only on. I eventually found the truth, when I found a very detail letter from her to him, telling him how wonderful he was in bed. First I thought she was talking about someone else, cause he never been Fabio in the sack!
It still hurts & probably always will. He promised he'd make up for it & change, but nothing! I know he selfish & pigheaded, but it such a hard decision to pack up & leave. I've tried twice before & come back, I don't if I can do it again.
bye, jen
you don't have to leave, he goes when you call the police. They are there for a reason, to help you. He is the wrong, you stop acting like you are. he needs to go, not tomorrow, not the next day,,, he needs to go now.Hello,
This is my first time here, great site wished I'd found it earlier.
I'm hoping to find something here that may save my marriage. I've been with the same man since I was 17 (I'm 39 now). I truly believe he has ADD, but does he, no. He has become harder & harder to live with. He does the most annoy & hurtful things, but never takes responsibilty for any of them, it just becomes a self pity trip. He will yell & swear if he doesn't get what he wants , when he wants it. He say things under his breath to myself & our two children, like telling me to "bash it up my arse". We have a 16yr old boy who has ADHD, he's been on medication since he was 5 1/2, he's a hand full but much better & sometimes mature then his 40 yr father. Its come to the point I'm frighten what may happen as my son gets bigger, he & his father clash terribly. His father can't seem to see his son is very much like him. He seem to upset our 17yr old daughter everyday, without fail, I believe its change the person she would have become. My husabnd is never really interest in anything we have to say, unless it something juicy.
He has two jobs one as fulltime Coalminer & the other a Fireman (on call 24/7). He doesn't have much time with us & what time he does have is, draining on all of us. Living with him is like living with Jekyl & Hide. When he's home he doesn't want to do anything but watch TV. He can't remember to do the most simple of things, but he wont for get to go training.
Over the last 22 years I feel I've gradually had the life sucked of me, I don't go anywhere, I have very few friends, & I'm very over weight. I went to the doctors a few days ago, he said, I'm suffering from depression & I have very high blood pressure. He believes it has alot to do with my marriage. I told my husband I'm depressed & have high blood pressure, he wasn't very interest.
He always wants his own way & will, bully, swear & threaten to get it. I'm sick of it , I can't take much more, he is killing any feelings I have for him. I often think about not being here, all I can say is, thank god for my children.
He want do anything to make things better, like, counseling or reading. Everything about him annoys me & my children are sick of him aswell.
I must say, he can be nice, when it suits him.
He's a street angel & a house devil.
I know my letter long, I really appreciate anyone that may read it & reply.
Living in hope, but is running out,
Thanks, Jen(Australia)
But whatever you do, involve the police, so you have a record of something happening. If he bullys you, you have just cause to involve them. that is known as intimidation, and if he is threatening you, that is just cause as well.
Confront daughter after dad is gone, make sure she has not suffered any sexual or physical abuse, check all kids as a matter of fact. You already know they suffer from his mental abuse... do it one on one with each of them, and remind them that you love them.
but get him out first. If he refuses, they can arrest him if you file charges, just remember, you can drop the charges later if you so desire. so don't listen to his whining. about anything. If he protests, remind him THIS IS YOUR LIFE AS WELL AS YOUR KIDS LIFE TOO! Mental Cruelty is abuse!
My favorite sentence for people who ask things I don't want to do?
I DON'T CARE TO DO THAT.
USE IT OFTEN.. pass it on.
bugzappers38652.7452199074Or maybe he doesn't understand the question. That is where the police come in. They remind him, a mans home is his castle, but his wife is not a servant, nor is she to be treated without dignity shown a dog.
Its very hard to read what your telling me, but deep down I know thats what I have to do. I'm a housewife, with no money of my own, no family I can rely on. I have no qualifactions to help me get a job. I feel trapped. I feel if I do leave (somehow), he will do himself in. During arguments he has made the suggestion.
Jen
you do know that all you have to do is call the cops and say he is threating to harm himself.. they will come with a piece of paper for you to sign and take him away... to the hospital for help... he will thank you in the long run
sheri.m38652.7843518518 aussieland is different sheri.but either way, he is immature and threatening things that he will never do, just call the police during a fight and he will be removed, tell them he is threatening you with physical harm to you, your kids, and himself. you go no place, HE DOES. you and your kids stay in the house, he has to leave, and when he keeps coming back, throw him in jail. your a good woman and person, don't let him get away with being a barbarian.
the law has to hold him if you press charges, then you have something over his head, instead of him having something over yours. He then is established as a problem and when you stick him in jail, tell him, get to a psychiatrist and ask for help with adhd, and you want proof of this by seeing the same psych, on your own time. then you can tell him how it really is.
bugzappers38652.7908217593
Hello Jeff,
I have to tell you, my husband has never hit me & I know for a fact he has never done anything sexual to my daughter & never would, it upsets me you would think that. I feel you may have jump ahead alil. I want to try save my marriage, my husband has many bad points, but still has some good ones, I don't want to sound like I'm defending him, but I probably will. He's not all good but he's not all bad either. I feel you may have wrong picture of him.
Bye, jenn
I hope I got the name right, sorry if I didn't, this is all new to me.
jen
Your not going to get him to do this any other way, other than force. It is all he understands. I didn't say don't get back together, but do it on your terms. when your kids all are sick of him, that says more than I could imagine. Listen to yourself and re read your first post. do it over and over. you have to make a stand, or forever be his slave. this is for the benefit of YOU AND YOUR KIDS SO THEY DON'T WALK ON YOU AS WELL. YOUR A DOORMAT, and HE IS TREATING YOU LIKE ONE. your kids see this and think this is how it is, and they will wind up in relations JUST LIKE THIS..good luck ..
and yes, he may have adhd. but without the proper dx, nothing can be done.
your suffering speaks to me and says, help me, I can't do this alone. I believe you can do this, and it is for a better life for you all. he doesn't listen now, why will he ever, he has no reason. give him one, if he doesn't treat you humane, OUT.
Prisoners get treated better.
bugzappers38652.7708217593i kinda agree with bugzapper..i was in a marriage similar to yours years ago... i stayed for the sake of the kids...and things only got worse... if you truly feel he will change then the 1st thing i would do is tell him to get help or else...if he doesn't get help then leave.. if he truly loves his family then he will get the help he needs... if he chooses not to get help then he doesn't truly love his family... sheri.m38652.7773263889