unsupportive and abusive husband | ADHD Information

It is really hard for a person that doesn't have AD/HD person to understand a person that does. As a man I can understand why we get so upset with women, the way society expects us to be strong with no faults. I think we are geared for it. But my dad was in the navy and he treated us like we were in the military. We had to be up at a certain time, clean the house, can't watch TV in the morning, etc. I picked up that way of thinking throughout my life and so did my brother (who is actually worse than I). But when we get mad at our wives we are really yelling or mad at ourselves as our fathers yelled at us, not allowing any mistakes, it's just what we pick up throughout life.

I've always struggled with AD/HD and was really upset when I backed my new Nissan Altima into a SUV and just crushed the whole trunk in.My head was in the clouds at the time. My wife said 'what if I did that?' That made me think. We both have AD/HD and I can see both sides of the picture.

Strattera and made me sick the 3rd week. So I chose Adderall and didn't get the same reaction. It is all in your liver and how you metabolize it. Some are very sensitive like me and some are okay. Keep trying different ones till you find the one that works. And take it in small doses if you must. Hang in there Jen!

I would never side w/ ADDD over a loved one fighting it, my family did (parents)

now my adult family fights Add w/ me.

your enemies(add) enemies (supportive partner) is your friend

like michael told fredo " your my brother i love you but never side against the family again"

Jen -

a loved one yelling out of impatience is just plain wrong. He sounds smart enough to realize you don't intentionally do what you do - he is obviously dealing with his own inner demons not to allow space in his heart for you totally. To demean or hurt someone (even just feelings) and just keep doing it - seriously in need of an adjustment.

Get a deacon/pastor/councillor in your church to do a 2 on 1 session talking about sensitivity and compassion. His growing up in a police family is probably a big thing - many cops tend to bring home anger and depression from work and make the home as rough as the street he hates. That takes work to get out from under.

I wish you much luck. Noone deserves to be yelled at. Especially not from the one you love.

[QUOTE=jen townsend]

Dave,

here I bring in a religious aspect to this discussion, regardless of denomination, it still applies. Please skip this post if you are offended by commentary from that aspect. I have gotten much peace from going to a support group- I think my biggest struggle in my marriage has very little to do with my adhd. I think it's an easy target for a husband who is coping with anger management. (maybe this is afflicting your wife as well-you seem to be very apologetic for a condition that God created you to struggle with.) Heidi Marie is absolutely right that one of the most important things to have is a supportive marital partner. But unless you are doing something sinful...a.k.a. cheating, yelling at her, being abusive with substances or emotions.....then she is not rightful to be angry with you. I am working with my husband to get him to understand this. If I am being sinful-fine, point out that flaw- but do noooooooooot tell me to remember not to lock my keys in the car and then get rageously mad at me when I do. Hello! I think most people don't have to be "reminded" of these things. I really hope that you can sort out the things about this disease that may be giving you illegitimate shame.(things to be kicking your self about that you have very little control over and that are not sinful in nature.) God bless and keep you happy, Jenn

[/QUOTE]

My hubby is very similar...CANNOT understand how I can forget things he asked me about 2 minutes ago, would get upset about things like me forgetting to turn off lights, leaving his clothes in the dryer to wrinkle....you name it. I think the real issue with him is that he thinks I don't care about him and that I am not thinking about him when I forget things. It doesn't seem to really be about my absentmindedness, it's more about him feeling ignored and not listened to and not cared about. He is beginning to understand I can't help it, and I am beginning to understand he feels unloved because my mind is always somewhere else, racing with thoughts. Does this make any sense? Things are getting better now that we have a little more understanding of each other.

Yesterday, I was in such a hurry trying to remember getting the twins to school on time and thinking about if I had packed everything right, that I didnt notice my sister had come to visit and backed into her car. Completely side swiped it! (I blamed it on the adhd- but now I hold this illness dear to me I guess, because I instantly felt guilty. Was I passing the buck for an easy excuse?) I was so frazzled from the accident that I had to keep reminding myself- twins in the car, keep your thoughts on the road. Now that I am pretty sure is how I deal with focusing with adhd. Anyway, when I got home I took one of my first pills-strattera. I felt totally wired. I hated the way it made me feel. Then I started to get sick, and vomited the pill up for the good part of my mother's day out.

(Pardon the graphic detail) I was ticked off- because I was desperately hoping this would be the magic answer-and it's like my body was kicking me for trying to "get well"(and also, I didn't see nausea as one of the side effects) okay- does anybody who agrees with medicating adhd know of a better answer- I have also tried concerta and after about 2 weeks and a few skipped doses in between, I started to feel anxious about everything, like the sky was going to fall- and I had no idea where it was coming from. I stopped the concerta and it all went away. (now you know why I am getting ticked- how many more meds are out there to help-it seems like I am reacting bad to them left and right.)

I backed into hubbies truck one time because he usually doesn't park behind me. Wasn't used to having to check before I haul a** out of the garage!

I wonder how many "normals" would have done the same thing?

You might need a med. combo. Have you tried Adderall? I, for example, take Lexapro with my Adderall.

Straterra made my daughter throw up also, with cold sweats. Doc said to continue, we did and her system did adjust. Not on it now though. Too much controversy about liver damage, especially b/c she takes prozac, bad combo.

bepatient38677.4515046296 [QUOTE=jen townsend] I took one of my first pills-strattera. I felt totally wired.

I hated the way it made me feel. Then I started to get sick, and vomited the pill up for the good part of my mother's day out. [/QUOTE]
My reaction to Strattera was nausea without the actual up-chucking. I quit taking it after 2-4 weeks.

[QUOTE=jen townsend] I was desperately hoping this would be the magic answer-[/QUOTE]
I can relate….
I was Dx'd 30 years ago but never really tried to treat it until I heard about Strattera. I was hoping for the magic also. It may not have been the answer but it was the catalysts for me to become proactive about my ADD instead of reactive. That's the real magic answer + effective meds if you can find one that’s agreeable for you.

[QUOTE=jen townsend] Okay- does anybody who agrees with medicating adhd know of a better answer- [/QUOTE]
Yes there is help in meds for some of us, but it’s not a complete treatment for me. I read all I can about ADD, knowledge is the key for me. I was blown away by some of the stuff in Dr.Amen's findings.

[QUOTE=jen townsend] I am getting ticked- how many more meds are out there to help-it seems like I am reacting bad to them left and right.)[/QUOTE]
Relax you’ll have to find the formula that works best for you, One step at a time.

I’ll tell you how I got where I’m at…..

My reaction to Strattera was nausea without the actual up-chucking. No ADD help for me so I quit taking it after 4 weeks.

Next I tried Wellbutran for about 4 weeks. It did very little physically, but I did experience thoughts of suicide!!!! YIKES!!! I was aware it was listed as a possible side effect. When I made the connection between the two, that med was GONE, OUT-A-HERE, SEE-YA-LATER, BY!!!
I didn't go back to the Dr. for 18 month after that.
It freaked me out a bit.

When I did go back I tried Provigil for 6 weeks. It just kept me awake without any ADD benefits. It just extended my ADD day. My days are ADD long enough as it is thank you.

I believe nobody knows my body/mind better than I do.
So when I told the Dr. I wanted to try a stimulant and he refused. Stating that he didn't write scripts for those, I promptly scolded him misrepresenting himself and thanked him for wasting my time. I told him I would not be back (because I asked about stims & Strattera in our first meeting he said no prob).

My new Dr. has extensive experience with ADD. I did research and got referrals before making an appointment.
We went with ADDerall and after 6 months & several adjustments in dosage I have a marked improvement in ADD symptoms.

Prior to meds I would never have written this due to lack of focus, distractibility, ect...

By the way my wife is Type A and we have all kinds of issues like you described. I find that the more I get a handle on the ADD the less impact she or anyone has on my self-esteem, self-worth, self-belief...everything.

I feel empowered thanks to my Dr., my meds, my reading, and this site.

Never give up; just by finding this site you have made a step on the non-med treatment road. Keep at it.

So with that said I'd like to send a HART FELT THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU HERE for providing me/us with your insights, wisdom & experience.

I was on stratterra. It didn't give me much help. From what I have
experienced an information I have gathered from others posts...there is
NO miricle.

I believe God, a positive outlook, therapy, finding right med, and a good
sence of humor, can all be helpful.

I would be the last person to give relationship advise!

That's why we're here. We support one another when there is no one close to do it.

My wife doesn't support me either, but she has reason to. the group of people here have gotten me threw some tough nights. and given some fantastic advice, it's probably going to save my marriage

Thats why we are all here to lend an ear, to give advice, we are here so each of us are not alone!

Dave

Jen, I'm sorry you have to go through this. The hardest part of having ADHD I'd imagine is having a partner who is unsupportive. In the book "Delivered from Distraction" the author stresses the two most important things you can do is find a supportive spouse and a supportive occupation . . I think that's what it said . . Anyway, I'm glad that you have your support group . . Does he see anyone? Maybe you two can go into couples therapy? Keep us posted, and welcome :) I just found this website today because I am struggling with self-worth in battling adhd. I was reading a forum about unsupportive husbands and can't quite find out how to get into it, but replies from susan really helped me. Thank you for that if you get word of this post. I am currently in a group called open hearts at our church and am having problems with my husband. he had a cop for a father and grew up in a severly emotionally abusive house-hold. and yet as much as he hated it, it has become the easiest way to deal with problems. We have 3 preschool children(twins) and very little support from parents who live near us. and then to compound everything, i have adhd. He is successful and organized and I am often left looking like a joke. I know God created me for a purpose. I can whip out a painting or a letter of recommendation in a heart beat. I am compassionate to people's needs and try to love despite issues. This is where I think I am being manipulated by my husband. I am sure that he sees my insufficiencies with staying organized and on task, remembering things and lack of detail orientation as being an area to target me and get power by constantly pointing it out and yelling at me every time I make a mistake. I know it must be frustrating living with someone who loses their keys on a weekly if not daily basis, doesn't turn off the lights and lock the doors even though they have been reminded over and over again.- I just wish there was a way for him to have compassion for me in the midst of my failures, instead of saying terrible things that have torn down my spirit and think that saying a simple "I'm sorry"- 2 hours later will make it all better. I know I am to forgive, but sometimes I feel pretty worthless even though Jesus sees me quite the opposite. I love my husband, believe it or not and he does many sweet things to keep me hanging in there, but sometimes I could just kick him for not having a heart enough for me to try to understand what I am struggling with.

Dave,

Your husband has no right to yell at you about ANYTHING, especially not something as trivial as losing your keys (married people yelling at each other is a pet peeve of mine-- why be abusive/paternalistic/patronizing to the person who is supposed to be closest to you?). However, I think it must be incredibly difficult for "normals" to understand how our disability manifests on a day-to-day basis. Things like your partner losing keys, being forgetful or being messy must be very frustrating to those who don't subjectively understand the disability.

I strongly suggest counseling, too. Would he be open to it? Is he involved in your church, too? Maybe you can have your pastor do couples counseling for the two of you. It is not as optimal as having a psychologist who understands ADHD do the counseling, but you can at least work on your communication and abuse issues.

Counselling has greatly helped, it has exposed many negative feelings and behaviors that were starting to become normal and unspoken. I think that he sees his anger proactively now where in the past it might have taken him days to apologize or see his part. The day that I joined the forum was a particularly bad one and this is a second part to therapy I guess- not too many people know what adhd is and can relate to my issues. I think from a layman's perspective they might think that my husband is married to a nut-