subject? forgot... | ADHD Information

i hadnt expect this to be replied to.
thank you for the responses.
as i read the posts of others i feel connected.
forgive me if i come off as crazy or scattered.
since i have begun i may as well continue.
i hate phones.
i love reading, when i find a book i enjoy i feel wonderful. unfortunately the end will come and i sit and ponder the book for a few minutes. a light breeze of thoughts focused on the content i had just read, bliss. then the gust of thought which ofcourse leads to the tornado, ripping all thought construction into splinters of microthoughts and broken, smashed, and battered thoughts that can not be reformed in an intelligible enough way to make sense of them, the actual pressure in the head of the centrifugal force from this make me bury my face in my hands. frantic i seek an anchor, anything sturdy enough to keep me from falling into the vortex. i stand and pace searching, perhaps i could write poetry or learn another language or write a novel of my own. this inevitably brings me to agitation, as i sit and attempt each and realize the patience i lack. this isnt just after reading, this follows the completion of anything i find enjoyable.
now at times i am granted joy, short lived as it may be, it is precious to me. short periods of time i feel normal or what i assume normal to be.
i know there is a problem in my brain, i feel i am of average intelligence, ok sometimes i think i have superhuman intelligence. othertimes i feel dumb as a rock, no offense to any rocks who may be reading this. in social situations i spend the majority of the time attempting to read the people around me. instead of carrying on friendly conversation i will say only what i feel is expected. sometimes this doesnt work, when this happens i feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a bigrig. its like all the sudden i have 2 heads and everyone is staring. palms moisten, heart rate accelerates, temperature rises.

i think ill stop here for fear of making this too lengthy. i have read the bible cover to cover in a few months, but a 2 page forum post is unbearable.

again thank you for the responses
after writting this i feel i may finally get some decent sleep.Wow you read the bible cover to cover!
The other day I tried to do that!
I went and bought a bible!
I opened it to the very Beginning, and realized that I knew that part. That's when god creates the heavens and earth and says "It's all good"...So I skipped to an unfamiliar part--the part with Jericho and the prostitute who lives in a wall.

Can you believe it? She lived in a wall!!!  I got stuck on that part, trying to imagine what kind of wall that could have been. Was it like the custom for people to live inside walls???
So I read like 3 pages. Do you know about these walls?




Hey Jesse,

Welcome here. Here's an analysis for your paralysis:

http://www.webmd.com/medical_information/health_tools/alph a_toc.htm?z=2000_00103_1113_rx_02

Hmmm, you scored a 47?

Btw, how do you have a friend? My wife has kids, but I didn't know males could (ref:[quote=jessejamesixshooter] i have no friends. not that i cant have them [/quote] )

Nice to meet you, too.

My knee bounces too. I love it. My digits bounce a lot also, specially when I type.

David'0
[QUOTE=jesseejames]othertimes i feel dumb as a rock, no offense to any rocks who may be reading this.[/QUOTE]

None taken!

To be quite honest, I find your posts very easy to read, cause it sounds like something out of my own head and is easy enough to read.

Welcome, we're glad you're here.  You are not alone :)

you're not alone, man.  Keep reading these posts and you'll see you'll fit in.  It is such a relief to write your experiences and then have someone else validate them.

come here to vent, we'll help you out as best we can!

i like how u said analysis paralysis. sounds much more lovely then "i have a problem with reading between the lines, under the lines, and behind the lines." sometimes feel that i have genes similar to albert einstein but cant figure out why, when answering a test question, i do things like: 2+2=  blue.

my confused oversensitive and sometimes deep and 'irrational' thoughts (irrational to some but not to me) is accepted here which is very reassuring. im positive about what i feel and that adhd IS real and its not all in my head. that i am not all of these negative connotations that everyone in my life has branded me. somedays i get the pleasure of running into someone that reminds me that its all in my head. then i start to just fall back into the lost confused mindset that ive grown up with for so long and i begin to question my mind and its functions....my heart and its feelings. are they right? am i just dumb and careless? am i crazy? its so hard to not let people get me down.

when i've come across someone that relates to me, i feel i have struck gold.

i was explaing to my sister how i think, how its so loud and busy in my head. its like a basketball game..or the ny stock exchange. and its almost always like im talking to someone. i dont know, cant explain. but i got like 10 things going on at once and i dont even know whats going on in front of me. ive become the expert at being able to look like im following someones conversation, but really im thinking about butterflies and concentrating on that nose hair flapping out of his right nostril. i asked my sister how she thinks in her head(she does not have adhd) and she said 'umm hmm..i dont know..i dont really think about how i think...i just think' and i said oh so its kinda unconscious right? and she said yes..i guess so. TOTallY friggin NOT how i think. and thats how i remember that i am indeed different and its not all in my head and that im going to be ok...

me: male   
age 28 or 29 dont wanna do the math right now to figure it. married with a daughter.
not professionally diagnosed, have been researching a number of possibilities, this fits best.
aside from my wife and daughter i have no friends. not that i cant have them, i just cant keep them.
kindergarten thru 4th grade maybe i was disiplined for daydreaming daily, notes pinned to my shirt so i wouldnt lose or forget them.
i am driven to the point of maddness by racing thoughts, i have many things i want and need to do but am hindered by analysis paralysis. thought go thru my head faster than i can process.
restlessness and irritability, nails bitten back severly, smallest is less than 1/4 inch. when i run out of nails i bite my lips.
i bounce my knee constantly, unless my feet are up.
dont know why im even posting, sorry for the length.im not sure why i remember this and im even more uncertain as to why i wish to share it. several years back i had developed a severe drinking problem, i assume now an attempt to self medicate. coupled with the functions of my mind i had bad thoughts frequently. in a post previous i mentioned my attempts at poetry, while most where close to impossible to understand one stands out. as i read it now it frightens me, alcohol is bad when your mind is already scrambled. although the chatter parts still exist today, the violent thoughts are gone, thank god. please be gentle. i didnt follow through on any plots.


Endless chatter in my head
Nothing makes it cease
Alcohol just makes it worse
I feel the coming beast

Plastered smile to hide the truth
What will they think of me?
Lost control of my own thoughts
I pray they never see

Fantasy, reality, now its all the same
There is no difference
Whispering warnings of possible pain
Beast watches out for my best interest

Bloodstained images sear my mind
I recognize the faces
Desire for the dirty work
I plot the times and places

I dont want to hurt anyone
But now that doesnt matter
Do whatever I have to do
To stop the endless chatter

honestly, i am currently on my 3rd pass on the bible.
i dont read as fervently as the 1st time, but it seems each time i get something new from it.

in response to miss frizzle
the walls were fortification for the city inside. in that time many cities had 2 walls 12-15 feet apart, houses were built upon logs laid across the 2 walls.
it was common to live in houses on walls.
understand i am not a bible scholar, this is what little i do know about the wall though.

it is nice to meet you all. it is incredible, the level of relief achieved by simply typing. i slept better last night than i have in a while.

so far as friendship goes, gettin them is the easy part. after a few weeks i become bored with them. usually what happens is i will discontinue all communication and avoid situations where we may meet. most the time its when i have gotten to know them to the point that i feel i know what they are going to say before they say it. so my brain says to me, "i told you he would say that". so i say back, "that was just luck, see if your right this time" meanwhile the friend is gabbing as i nod as if listening. my brain looks me in the face and says, "you see? what i tell you." so i side with my brain and agree, "ok, if you know what this guy is gonna say before he says it, then what is the point of even playing along?" at this my brain becomes irritable. it refuses to say a thing, then i realize that my friend has stopped talking and expects a response. i feel myself beginning to blush and wonder how long i had been sitting staring through him and nodding while he sat in silence awaiting my 2 cents.
most the time i feel that conversation is wasted energy and breath.
one friend enjoyed it, starting a discussion and watching me light up as i find something to contribute and flicker out as i say the usual, "i know i had a point, hang on... i almost got it.... nope." he giggles watching me struggle trying to figure out what i was talking about. i wasnt aware of the problem, i just thought that i had trouble staying on topic. eventually i felt his entertainment in my lunacy wasnt as i had hoped, laughing with me. so i cut the lines of friendship without hesitation, as i had so many times before. his unanswered attempts to findout what happened did make me feel guilty, as usual. but nothing lasts forever.
here i am again rambling like a drunkard in a western movie.