and beyond that, i've never had a woman in my life that listened to me, and sympathised!(unless i paid her to- but even then...)
they always act as if i'm coming to them for a solution, or that i'm just weak to be upset at all. or i'm just bein' a pri*k, and 'taking it out' on her.
this stuff works both ways. if you're not going to set the tone, be the example, why should i try to change? why does the woman deserve my compassion and sympathy, when appparently i don't merit her's?
just for clarity- i am aware that when you talk to me, you are not neccessarily looking for anything more than empathy. and i can now usually do that, but it had to be pointed out to me.
That part paritthead is definitely a man thing - but we with ADHD have it in spades.
I never could understand that a woman vents but wants only sympathy - as a male and a thinker I am wanting to fix it - typical male behavior right? It took me til this year to realize there was a difference and she wasnt' out to punish me for being me - just for not listening and keeping quiet.
Women have to take some responsibility in that they must see the same behavior in all men all the time. If we are to learn from our goofups can't women learn from that experience? Either find a girl who listens or explain it to us - we aren't the brightest chromosome on the sequence to begin with!
[QUOTE=jesseejames]after a difficult day at work my wife will come home and try to talk to me about it.
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I think it's more of a "man" problem than an ADD problem. Your wife just wants you to listen to her vent about her day and then sympathize. Period. End of story. She's not looking for you to "solve" her problem and she definitely does not want to defend her feelings to you. Telling you about her difficult day at work is supposed to be the thing that RELIEVES her stress - and you go and add to it because you can't just shut the f**k up and LISTEN.
Perhaps it would help to let you know a bit about how I did it. I'm 38 and a year ago this month I figured out I have adult ADHD - from a magazine article then I took a bunch of online tests at www.oneaddplace.com. I printed out the test (I got almost all as definite ADHD symptoms!) and made the MD appointment.
I told him what I suspected - he was great and listened for longer than most appointments I've ever had combined. He then referred me to a psychiatrist who is fantastic and I got in very quickly. The psych talked to me for a couple of hours. I was then given a one-month prescription for dexedrine, 10mg twice a day. You typically get them once per month.
It worked almost right away. It was like a new person - or more like the one before ADHD came in and it woke up.
You typically only need one med for ADHD. It can be ritalin or the like, dexedrine/adderall or strattera. Some others but only if the main ones aren't suitable.
The initial meeting is usually the longest one. Just grit your teeth and fight the urges to run! Once you begin treatment every day is a baby step to being better. You don't have to get meds - if you are uncomfortable with that a psychiatrist will instead work with you to learn new coping skills. It will just mean more effort on your part is all.
I hope this helps. You know what to do that's the easy part. Now you have to build some steam up and work out how to do it!
Good luck my friend. I'm pulling for you - we're all in this together.
I know what you mean about phones. I've had a dislike for them since as a young child home alone a collection agency phoned, talked to me and told me my parents were bad people and would go to jail right away if I didnt' make them pay their bill. I was in shock - my mother got home and phoned them and that was one of the only times I can recall hearing my mother swear. It was the 70s and grey area for how legal that was - man it was traumatic.
I fight it though. I had to when I owned a corporation but though I smiled on the outside it was a sweat to do it any day. Now - not so much I feel much more relaxed but still prefer to answer the phone than call on it. It does get better that much I can tell you - if you want it bad enough.
yeah jessee- i do all that stuff too. i guess i might be adhd.
sometimes, like i'll need to cook dinner. since if i plan in advance, i end up throwing out lots of rotten food, i keep very little perishables on hand.
so, with no food in the fridge, usually on a weekend, me and the kid'll be getting hungry. but i do this, or that, and put off going out to get something. then it will be 'that takes a long time to prepare- what's quick?'
then, when we're starving, i'll finally go to the store, get something, get lost in the aisles trying to decide, and still get home and eat as late as if i had chosen something that took 2 hours to make.
it's dumb. it could be avoided more. it makes me wonder/worry 'bout why i can't plan, or not be resisitant to leaving the house, or take care of us better. why does it so often turn into an ordeal?
and every ordeal leaves a memory, so the next time...
btw- phones make me uneasy lots of times too. is it the bill collector? is it a friend telling me i forgot plans? is it one of my customers unhappy about my work, or some trouble? is it my ex, mad about something i said to the kids? did someone die?
it's not constant or predictable, but i do go through these bouts of phone anxiety.
Yes, anxiety our life-long roomie and our worst enemy. We live with it and yet do everything (usually wrong) to avoid it.
I have been so much more at ease since getting treatment. Actually - my gray hair on my temples all grew back black over this year! I was awestruck - had heard that gray could be caused by stress but never realized if it was true.
Now if it only regrew hair LOL!!...
the only time the phone doestnt bother me is when my wife is on the other endwhoa, i didnt realize you could post a reply from the bottom of the page, that convenient. i had been creating posts in one window while refering to another window for the original post.I find oppositional dialog very difficult. It is a purely subconscious difficulty, not an intellectual one, but a lifetime of not fitting in and being rejected for not being like everyone else makes one sensitive to confrontation, even in viewpoint over trivial things (the irony being that my internal viewpoint is unusually broad in most cases).
I think it is an emotional reflex, unintended.
I was with a woman for years, however, who was oppositional on all levels, and it was unbearable. I managed to get away from her but only at great cost and only after endless grief. The ADHD adult needs to feel that someone is on their side, no matter what. Conciliatory dialog, even over trivial matters, can aid this perception.
On second thinking after posting I'm wondering if you also have a generalized anxiety disorder? You are overly worried about the phone (is it just this call or all calls?), going out (perhaps even agoraphobia? - or just going to MD worrying you?) and asking for help. That can be a whole other problem of general anxiety disorders. That can include Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Dysmorphic disorder, panic disorder, etc.
Think on it. If nothing else get yourself some books. I have read a few but others here are more well read in book form. I can recommend www.oneaddplace.com for extra paper resources you can get online so no going out.
Most important - get some help whatever form it comes in!
am i correct to conclude that to overcome i must medicate? that in and of itself is an obstacle that seems impossible. in order to medicate i have to go to the doctor. in order to go to the doctor i have to set an appointment. to set an appointment i have to use the phone, i tremble at the thought. assuming im able to go through with all this i have to ask my wife to miss work to watch the kid. and while i do have medical insurance the deductible is high. i worked out our budget and we are in the hole on an average month as it is. to go to the doctor would mean handing out money i really havent got.
Medication is just one tool you could use. But no matter what you choose, sorry bud but you are going to have to make a big leap out of inertia and push start yourself for a while. Therapy helps, there are books and supplements to perk you up. There is ADHD coaches but they cost a bit (they need to get paid after all).
Might I suggest you take a bit of time and book one little hour with a doctor. You get yearly physicals don't you? Hmmm? I hope so that's important too.
Even if you don't get meds - that's your call totally - I STRONGLY recommend you find the time to get into your MD and get a referral to an ADHD specialist. You can find time for TV I assume, and computer forum time here (we'll still be here when your appointment is done). A local teen sitter maybe?
I know every fiber in you says "damn - too scary what can I use to block this?" - me I did it too to a point. But I finally looked left and right and saw the cliff I was approaching - and the equally scary to me unknown zone of help.
Eventually you'll have to make the move and ask the people around you to not necessarily boost you but to be there to take up the little slack that might come about.
I'm not pushing meds - but you need to get something for this. It's very obvious at a glance that you are nearing a crossroad - and if you don't get help now it's going to be 10 times harder when you hit it. Sound familiar? How many life decisions had to be you against the wall and the problem is right at your nose. Dont' worry me and all here too.
If you need a boost of confidence don't hesitate to ask for it. You CAN do this - we all here to some extent closed our eyes and jumped into that black depth of the unknown - and found out it wasn't that bad!
Jessee, I do this too. Apparently it's a somewhat ADD typical trait to be able to dispassionate view the entire problem-space and see all sides of it. Plus our ability to be completely without our own opinions and a healthy streak of nonconformity leads to wanting to understand all the angles.jessee - it ALL makes sense! Look around the forum - you'll see literally hundreds and hundreds of descriptions of what you go through every day!
I did too - you get a big project at home lined up - all raring to go and you look up from browsing on the internet and hours have gone by. You set up to do laundry and all of a sudden it occurs you should be grocery shopping. I've lost jobs because I couldn't overcome the inertia we get. The more boring or mundane the task the more likely it is we'll find something - anything that will distract.
It's all part of ADHD. Our minds are flowing in many paths all the time. We live to avoid anxiety - and boredom for us is anxiety. We don't get fully cause and effect and tend to live to be content now over better later.
I also was a person who would immediately take the other side of anything. Drove my ex NUTS! Even when I felt deeply pro with my ex - I found myself being as zorg said - "devil's advocate" - debating against whatever it was even if it was something stupid like music selection.
I found with meds the urge to flip to the other side is nearly non-existant. What's left of the urges I find new ways to counter them with my therapist's help. Makes a really big difference!
Once you become aware you are ADHD that's a big step. You can stop for just a moment before you speak and say "I know what I'm going to do - now listen for it and try and hold it back". It's not perfect but it does help.
Glad you are here - don't worry you are not wierd, bad or different here. We're all in the same boat just rowing from different seats!
after a difficult day at work my wife will come home and try to talk to me about it. im all for hearing about it. the problem is she says that i routinely take the side of her opposition. which i know to be untrue, but i do argue for the other side. for me i have a thirst for understanding, not singlesided but whole picture understanding. in my brain, as she tells the side of the other i figure since it is what caused her problem, she is biased. so i question the motives of the others involved. i take things into consideration that she thinks are irrelevent. all in an attempt to come to my own conclusion. i have told her i do this to continue conversations, so they wont be short. and sometimes this is true. i have told her its because i like to debate, sometimes this is true. i have told her regardless of what happened i will always be on her side. but i simply cant seem to stop this form of discussion from turning into an arguement between the 2 of us because i want to know more about the otherside.I tell people I am playing "Devels Advocate"
Jesse- i definately do the "opposition game" especially with my dad. It seems like when I am in a "mood" or tired or something I always have to take the opposite side of what he says. Even if what he is saying is something I think or have totally agreed with! when I was educating myself on ADHD I read a book that said this is one of "the 6 main games that people with ADHD play" and it seems like it is a common trait.
While I believe medication helps, my therapist is also helping with my need to take the opposite view. She has set up some exercises where I have to see the other side even if i dont want to.
Good Luck!
im the exact opposite with the phone! its like Im addicted and always need to be in constant contact with my friends in case they leave me out. my counsler said this is my paranoia/anxiety which is a side effect of the add. anyone ever feel that all their friends are doing something without them?