Also get Delivered from Distraction. It will help him become aware enough to help himself. It has great stuff in it. This book at Stopping ADHD are the two books that have changed my life.
omalley, what's your story with Stopping ADHD? Did the exercises work? Also, you're on concerta right and taking hoobia, is the Trimspa version? And does it react with your meds? You are all right. I love my son but I don't like living like this. I don't like who I am when I am angry with him, which is pretty much all the time. I read about how some of your parents were mean to you, called you lazy and/or stupid and how they didn't understand you. It was the ADHD. I read about how bad your childhood was and I think, "that's how my son sees me" I don't know what it is like to live with ADHD but I do know how it is to be a parent. After all we did when my son was younger, the meds, therapy, etc. It still wasn't enough. Most of the problems surfaced when he became an adult and we expected him to start acting like one. All I ever wanted was for him to have a normal life. How many of you out there are getting the therapy, the meds, etc. and still have major problems? It seems like a lot of you. I am sorry for being so glum. Maybe I belong on the parents posts but most of them have small children and I can relate but it doesn't help me now. I am going to log off and look for a therapist with experience in adult ADHD but apparently even that is going to be difficult.Buy him this book - it is only .00
The exercises in this book have changed me. I can't tell you how - or why it is working, but they are.
Stopping ADHD by O'Dell is the name of the book.
I have a 21 year old son. He is doing well, but he constantly loses his wallet and other various items. I told him about this book. He is very independent and won't listen to me. But I know it would help him.
He has to want to help himself.
Don't ever berate yourself for thinking your son might see you as unsupportive or blaming or whatver. The mere fact that you are here and recognize what is going on says that you care and you want to help him in the way he needs helped. However, that doesn't excuse his behavior. You're trying and you're searching but you're not a miracle worker, either.
(I'd also encourage him to start trying alternatives also. If you look on the alternative meds board, there's lots of info. I'm taking meds but my son isn't and we are both doing a lot of alternative supplements. It has turned his life around and I can feel it start to have an effect on me also.)
Some other things to add to Glen's (as always) wonderful post
1. Can he go back on medication? Will he be willing to?
2. Does or can he go to Therapy?
3. Do you suspect he has a substance abuse problem? Maybe an intervention is needed?
4. He is 25 years old. He needs to become and be forced to be responsible for himself. He can't be babied anymore. As a man in his mid twenties, it will become a real bad stigma in his life for future jobs if he can't hold down one job for now.
If he has no job how is he getting his money to do the things he needs to do? If he's stealing from you, time to get a fire proof safe that only you know the combination and start putting your valuables where he can't reach them. Make him pay you rent (even if you save the rent for his future use without telling him) as he shouldn't be living for free anymore.
Please do this now or you are going to wind up with a son who will live with you forever, not pull his own weight, not be able to take care of YOU if the need arises and cause you nothing but that sadness, guilt and worry that this type of living can bring.
He's not a child anymore and you can't treat him like one. You can be supportive as a mother should be for their son, but remember he is a man now. Make life difficult for him until he gets the idea.
For myself, having ADD as an adult can be very difficult but I've only recently been dx. Try to determine if he is using this disorder as a crutch for not taking responsibility for himself. Since he's known about this for awhile he is probably used to the label of having this "disease". It's an impairment that he needs to learn how to deal with much as a person who is in wheelchair learns to get around on their own.
Thanks so much already! I have learned so much on this forum already just from reading other post. I found this forum yesterday out of desperation. There just arn't that many people that I can talk to about this. I'll try to respond to the replies in the order they came. To Zorg: He's always "sorry", He's "never" going to do it again, He always means to "do better". I guess I should have just stated that I need help, although, any advise is appreciated. To Glen: Your compassion means so much and the fact that you've "been there" and have actually done the things that my son is doing gives weight to your advise. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but you really need to see the big picture and it would take pages and pages to tell you the whole story. Like I said, my son has learning disabilities in addition to the ADHD. He was the "sped" kid in school that so many people make fun of. His inability to read functionally limits him to the kinds of work he can do. Even so, there are lots of jobs out there that he could do. As far as things being uncomfortable at home, they are not very comfortable right now. We fight alot and I don't feel like such a good mom. To Valzap: He probably does need to be on some type of medication and I think he would be willing to try. I had a drug test done when he was in the hospital for some chronic health problems about a month ago and he was clean. He is drawing unemployment right now (which is very little because it was a very low paying job to start with) and he pays us rent. I've been locking up the money for a while now, but recently he stole .00 from his 10year old brother! I want to treat him like an adult. We tried that, but he acted like a dishonest teenager so we tried treating him like one. Neither way made any difference. And you're right, he does use his ADHD for an excuse. Since he knows that I know that he has a hard time remembering things, he uses "I forgot" for everything. To taritac: I certainly didn't mean that ADHD makes people steal, but from what I am reading on this forum, it is something that sometimes goes along with the destructive personalities that some ADHDers have. He seems to live for the moment with no real concern for the consequences of his actions. With no job and no resources, I don't know how he could live on his own. I could put him out on the street, but I don't think I could take it if something happened to him. Things are very dismal right now. Any advise is appreciated. Sorry for being so long this time.
ADD does not make people steal. There may be an ADD root cause, but the solution should never end up with your son stealing from you.
Let him know that his behavior and irresponsibility are unacceptable, and that it is time for him to start taking care of himself. See that he gets treatment for his ADD or he will continue to be seemingly irresponsible and fail. Give your son a deadline to find a job and move out of your house (no more than 2-3 months) and STICK TO IT. If you can afford it, give him some start-up cash (for example, first month's rent and one week's worth for groceries) to get him out sooner. I'm not sure how health insurance policies work, but if his new job does not provide health benefits and you need to continue to carry him on your insurance in order for him to get treatment for ADD, so be it, but make sure you get him out of the house. You don't have to totally make him "sink or swim" in order for him to get his life together, but you definitely need to give him a BIG PUSH and a reality check.
[QUOTE=taritac]Let him know that his behavior and irresponsibility are unacceptable, and that it is time for him to start taking care of himself. See that he gets treatment for his ADD or he will continue to be seemingly irresponsible and fail. Give your son a deadline to find a job and move out of your house (no more than 2-3 months) and STICK TO IT. If you can afford it, give him some start-up cash (for example, first month's rent and one week's worth for groceries) to get him out sooner.
[/QUOTE]
I think everyone has had some good, good suggestions and I'm repeating a bit here.
I'd have to agree most vehemently to the suggestion that you give him a deadline right now and stick to it. Do not give in any more. He has to get out. I'd also agree that he has little chance to be successful without getting therapy and help. And that help has to be good. I've been through two therapists who misdiagnosed me and even though the second said she had experience in ADHD, she just thought the Concerta took care of everything and there was nothing else to do. It is frustrating. I've found someone new and he has years of working only with ADHD and has lectured and published on the subject. Somehow you have to get your son help and get him good help. Make sure you find someone who really does specialize in adult ADHD. Don't forget that your older son will influence the younger one even if it doesn't seem so. If he is stealing from your younger son then he is learning some unspoken lessons. Don't let it happen.Like Glen, I had a childhood marred by unacceptable behaviors. I stole money from my mom (in elementary school) and would lie a lot and was generally unable to control my impulses. However, being a girl, I was much more able to hide it from everyone. It is only by the grace of God that I managed to grow up to be a halfway sane adult and it wasn't without going through hell. My recent diagnosis at 35 has made a huge difference in my understanding of my entire life and it isn't pretty. I don't make any excuses for my behavior but I can at least attribute it to something and it gives me a place to work from as I strive to really deal with myself.
For everyone in your family, including your son, you have to get him out of the house and get him some help. He may fall further but there is absolutely no way he will ever get better without some incentive to. There's no guarantee of success but you also have to take care of yourself and all other members of your family. He's too old to be putting this on you.
I hope it works out. I really think that therapy and meds could make a HUGE difference and give him the ability to begin to change his life. But you can't do it for him so push him out and make him do it himself. (Getting him professional help will ensure that he has the tools to straighten out.)
Hang in there!
Sorry... I'm gonna be a bit direct on this one....
You need to hand him an ultimatum or, at the very least, a VERY SMALL set
of options. Your son is a man. 25 years old more then says that. It's
time for him to act like a man... And that means dealing with the consequences
of his negative actions.
Not simple or easy consequences, but real negative consequences that he will
feel for a long time to come.
Bottom line from my perspective..... It's time for him to be THROWN OUT OF THE
NEST. But I am sure you are not ready for that yet..... But as long as you
allow things to continue.... You soon will be.
I'm not going to go deeper on this stuff other then to tell you that you are
not doing him (OR THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY) any favors by allowing him to remain
under your roof. Also, take the house key or better yet, change the locks when
he goes.
On a lighter note. Talk him into joining a branch of the military. I think most
highly of the USMC, but the Army or Navy will do. The Air Force may not take
him.
That’s it. Like I said above. This man needs to grow-up, and you are not
helping him by allowing him to live in your home.
Sorry for being blunt. It's time for tough love.
~Z
Help! I am the mother of an adult son with ADHD. He was diagnosed at the age of 5. I spent years reading everything I could get my hands on about ADHD. I was his biggest advocate. As he got older, he became less hyperactive. He has learning disabilities as well as ADHD. He has not taken any kind of medication for ADHD since his senior year in high school. I was foolish enough to think that when he graduated from high school, he would be able to function in the read world. I was mistaken. He is now 25, still lives at home and cannot keep a job. He has been fired from so many jobs that his resume looks pathetic and now he is having trouble getting any job. He has been fired for not showing up for work because buddies wanted to go to the lake, he has been fired for not doing his work well, taking too many breaks, etc. He lies to me and steals from me. I've been told that I need to kick him out of the house and change the locks but I can't bring myself to do it. I am afraid that he would end up dead or in jail somewhere. I know alot about ADHD in children but very little about adult ADHD. Could these problems be related to the ADHD or are they just character issues? I need for someone to give me the short course on adult ADHD and help me to understand him. I also need to know how to help him.
Does HE want help?Renny1 - ok - a quick and dirty primer on Adult ADHD
First - you've been an exceptional mom! Most mothers give up on a son with difficulties like yours long before this point. This is NOT your doing!
Some things you need to know about your son's ADHD. He sounds like he's inattentive ADHD - meaning he's not hyper. I probably don't have to tell you that. I am also inattentive ADHD and it's hard for us to get moving on anything. We tend to hope whatever troubles are there in life will fix themselves and only move when it becomes so bad that we must. Since you've been an exceptional mom - too much in fact - he's in a nice safe place where he doesn't have to face the world's woes. If you were afraid of the unknown would YOU want to leave home where it's comfy?
You may have to take a page from the bird's book - and toss him into the air and see if he can fly. Hard? Probably since you love him and want to be there for him. But you probably will have to - it will take things at home being very uncomfortable for him before he makes moves for himself.
I lied to my mother. I stole money from her purse - and generally did things that most mothers would have either used a pillow on me in my sleep or had me locked up - but she didn't. She felt that since she brought me into this world it was her job to make sure I was ok in the world too.
Eventually - she and my father decided to put the fire under my feet. I was 19 - and between job after job and hadn't decided on university yet. It looked bad - between 17 and 19 I had many jobs and quit or was let go of them all.
Once they constantly put me where I had to move out - I did. I didn't end up on the street - I found a good job - then got into university. When I got a little stuck they would help - but they always made sure I carried most of the load. Keep in mind that at this point I didn't know I had ADHD - so it was felt by all including me that I was a slacker, unmotivated and lazy.
You should talk to a therapist who deals with ADHD for further help. At least for you - as the stress is great I know.
I only got help at age 37. I never got into jail-type trouble (little things but I grew out of it), never slept on the street and eventually learned to be my own man. Your son will too. At his age - you should have your home back to yourself and he should be visiting you not sleeping there. You'll just have to get some advice and help to do this.
I wish you luck. If you have any questions I'd be happy to help if I can.