I don't have ADHD. My long term boyfriend does. 99% of the time everything is fine, but every now and then it just gets wierd. I am an easy person to get along with, and never usually have a problem communicating with people. However, that being said, sometimes He hears what I say, and completely turns it around. I know this sounds like every relationship, but it's different. It's like he's convinced himself that I meant something just to hurt him, or anger him. He'll yell and yell and yell, and then he will see how upset it makes me, and then it's like he just "snaps out of it". A lot of the time, the next day he won't remember it. Is this normal for an adult male with ADHD? Also, what is the best way to deal with this? I truly love him, and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him.
On another note, he does not take any medication, as he was on the lovely "Vitamin R" for far too long at a younger age. Does anyone have any suggestions on a new medication? (Not that I think the answer is medication, I just see how much he suffers sometimes)
Welcome Calliekins!
We here with ADHD (and our suffering loved ones) can relate. We can often mess up what we hear and see until it's totally the opposite of what is meant. That happens more than I'd like to admit!
When he gets "wierd" - perhaps you should do an inventory of what has been going on up to it. I find that my "wierd" moments - when I get overly anxious and sensitive to what others' say - is typically when I'm under severe stress or pressure somehow. When my exgf and I would be in a stressful time I would become agitated, nervous, pace the floor and drink water constantly. When she would say the most innocent thing I took it as a jab at me. Funny thing was that when she actually DID say something that should have ticked me off it usually went right over my head!
Meds - they aren't THE answer - but can be part of one. Therapy is a wonderful tool - but the ADHD person has to truly be ready for change. We often don't see ourselves as having a problem until it becomes very serious.
Good luck to you! I might suggest you talk to a therapist who deals with ADHD - not necessarily to get help for you (but it can't hurt to talk), but to get some insight on new tools you can use to both help your man get better and to give you ways to see the cues that are subtle in his ADHD.
Sounds like he's pretty high-functioning (means he does ok with most of life), so you just need to tweak things a little.
If you need more info on books, meds and help - go to www.oneaddplace.com. It's a real warehouse of helpful info!
Thanks for your words Glen.
He is stressed out lately...I have noticed that pattern.
And you're right, meds aren't the answer.
He is a successful person in life, but he's also very busy. I've noticed he never says no to people, and as a result, takes on way to many responsibilities, but when I mention this to him is when we usually start fighting. I just want to help him.
Now - I said that they aren't THE answer. They can be a very essential tool. I personally am on meds and have been a year - the best year of my life! He may have bad memories of being on Ritalin, but we with ADHD tend to see our past with a very blurry lens that tends to focus only on the negative parts. Ask most ADHD people about their past and it sounds terrible! Once I got on meds I went from having an awful childhood to seeing it wasn't all bad - there were a lot of great times!
Sounds to me like he's in serious denial. It's common when someone is confronted with help they will take it as you saying that they are helpless or hopeless - and attack you back. Dont' take it too personally. However - he might just have a bit of a jerk inside with or without ADHD - we all can be across the board that way!
Check out the resources and see about getting yourself a helpful ear. It does help - and you sure need to be able to find a bit more joy. If he won't help himself and makes you feel miserable at times - that's something to be concerned about!
Talking to his mother sounds like a great idea. You may get some good ideas. Like you say though keep it between you two - he may take it as an attack on him as well.
To get him to cool his jets - well one thing to remember is that we are fast to get angered and fast to forget as well. If you can get out of the line of fire, give him a chance to cool off it usually works. It's a hard one in that I'm a type that would not come at someone when confronted but rather would try and get away myself. I'm not a confrontive type and would only fight if she cornered me.
Mother will know what to do! They always do. My mother was my confidant - my one person I trusted growing up. My dad was an Archie Bunker analog and I knew from an early age he was full of it (and ADHD too it is becoming clear).
Check with her - I hope it helps.
Omalley ~ Thank-you for your comments. It really made me cry. (In a good touchy-feely way.)
I do excuse a lot of what he does; a person in love usually does. (I know, I know: Not a good thing.)
I see him as having a very sheltered upbringing, and not dealing appropriatly with me almost screams that. He was never raised to ever succeed in anything. (Always told what he couldn't do; not what he can do.)
His negitivity might stem from his family life, or his ADD might contribute. I don't really know.
It is very difficult for him to express himself to somebody he considers 'more intelligent'. He loves me for being: Smart, intelligent... But then resents feeling stupid. Very confusing to me.
About me: I am physically disabled from having arthritis, since I was really young. (About two.) My parents could never really deal. It was hard for them, and they have a lot of problems. I know my 'understanding' of my parents contibutes to my pathology, and makes me able to sympithize too much sometimes. Perhaps with my boyfriend.
They were addicts, and my mom is bi-bolar. I have the same personallity, and similar symptoms, but have never been diagnosed with it.
Before I was trying to say: I want to help him deal with his ADD. For years he did not take medication, and had a very structured life. Suddenly everything turns up-side-down when he meets me. No longer can he just exist, like he did before.
He had become very stressed-out from this, and starting loosing his equilibrium. He HAD to go into therapy. For himself; for us. There wasn't any option.
I do blame myself for my mistakes. (But not his.) I could have not screamed at him, and said all sorts of horrible things in rage. I could have put my foot down, and just left. I made very bad choices. I cheated on him. I messed-up. But so did he.
He's no angel, and not blameless, but it takes two to fight, and I certainly fought with him, when I should have walked away.
Even when I knew it would only hurt us, I started fighting with him, because I was upset, or just plain irritated. I'm not perfect, and I feel bad for the things I have done.
Something I need to ask: He yells when he looses his temper, and acts like he's throwing a child's temper tantrum. During this he always says to me: So are you going to hit me now?
I don't understand where this comes from. I have never hit him, and he says nobody ever has. But I wonder: IF knowbody has ever hit him, why does he think I will?
Maybe he was spanked in anger as a child? Or somebody is telling him I will hit him? Those are the only things I can think, but he denies the second, and tells me he was only spanked for beating up on his siblings.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Another thing: Should I stay out of his therapy completly?
Akira_Murdock2438663.1453240741[QUOTE=ragurl]Wow Akira, that's weird, my DH is like that as well. Listening to him describe his childhood is like a re-run of the Brady Bunch. Except he forgets to mention his father was a raging alcoholic and his mother has a major anxiety disorder. But it really was idyllic, according to him! He also does the overly-negative thing, etc. What does the therapist say about this? Is it related to ADD or something else?[/QUOTE]
Personally I feel that this is from a person having ADD. Like some sort of behavioral symptom.
For now I leave his therapist's sessions to him. He tells me that is what he wants, and until I KNOW I need to be involved I'll listen to him.
Ranting for a moment (Please bear with me):
My boyfriend's mother can do no wrong. She's perfect in his eyes. If I ever said anything about how unrealistic that is, it would be taken as insulting, and suddenly I'M being the horrid, unresonable person.
*BITTER LAUGH* I'm hoping that he won't always be like this, but I won't hold my breath.
He always checks in with her for eveything. Without her approval usually he won't do anything. Almost like: "Mommy tell me what to think/ do."
It gets annoying, sometimes. He even calls her to second-guess what I tell him. As though I don't know anything. At least I've stopped taking it personally.
She does not like me, at all. In fact he has told me not one member of his family does. For him, I am civilized to them, but I can't do anything more.
I've tried to apologize [to her] for whatever I have done, but she always rushes in to say that she doesn't want to interfer with our relationship... Even though she has even told his therapist about how his family (also tried to say mine, but that isn't true), is being torn apart.
God, his therapist even tried to say that if he really loved me he would let me go. I was a little more than upset when I learned that.
I don't know if anything that was said is beyond what a mother should be saying to a therapist. Or even if it is unethical for the therapist to give a personal opinion to a client. My boyfriend even makes it sound like the therapist was trying to 'tell' my boyfriend what to do.
He won't break-up with me even though his mother/ familiy has wanted him to since before I made the mistake of cheating on him. He will not listen to his therapist on this matter either.
I have no idea what to do about this. Our lives get better. We work on our problems [fighting], and then some outsider interfers with our lives, and we end up with even more problems. It has happened before.
Akira_Murdock2438663.0650462963I slept on it (like I actually got any sleep!!), and I have given it a lot of thought.
You are right Glen, when he talks about his childhood, it's all bad. I've heard his family talk to, and it's actually not all bad. His dad is not understanding in any way, but his mom is very understanding.
I'm wondering if I should talk to his mom and express my concern. Of course, if he ever heard about this, he'd freak out.
I just don't want to do anything to make him think that I'm 'out to get him', because I'm not, I'm simply trying to be there for him.
You've had girlfriends in the past, I don't know your status currently, but in your experience, when something triggers you and you just can't stop, what is the best thing for her to do?
My boyfriend is the exact opposite. Most of the time he tends to look at everything possitively. Everything is 'good'. All of his childhood was 'good'. Filled with 'wonderful' people; who were 'helping' him oh so much.
Whenever he gets upset, or frustrated, everything suddenly becomes 'bad'. There is nothing good in the world, and whatever I said was horrible. It all becomes my fault then. At times like this he is almost completely pessimistic. Nothing can go right.
When he snaps out of it, suddenly everything is good again. He is to blame for everything. How could he say such horrible things. The usual. He is in therapy because of this. And trying desperatly to deal with his problems.
It is the strangest thing to deal with. All of the ups, and downs. But I am in this relationship for life, so I just need to learn more about what I can do right.
Akira_Murdock2438662.1772569444[QUOTE=Akira_Murdock24]
When he snaps out of it, suddenly everything is good again. He is to blame for everything. How could he say such horrible things. The usual. He is in therapy because of this. And trying desperatly to deal with his problems.
It is the strangest thing to deal with. All of the ups, and downs. But I am in this relationship for life, so I just need to learn more about what I can do right.
[/QUOTE]
I'm glad that you're devoted to your boyfriend but passive-agressive behavior like that is just as bad as any other kind of problem and you shouldn't be just putting up with it and saying that YOU need to learn more what to do right. You've got ADHD? That still, in no way, doesn't give anyone the right to be up and down, almost bi-polar and putting you through an emotional roller-coaster. If you marry him, eventually, you will get sick of it and then you'll really be a mess. I've got ADHD and my dh had other issues and speaking from experience, it's a recipe for disaster. Just because he's getting help doesn't mean that you have to excuse it. Your post is painful to read because not only does it say he puts you on eggshells but you feel like you're devoted for life and have to put up with it.
Take care of yourself. It's the only way you're going to give him what he needs to. I'm not saying leaving him or anything but if you don't stop thinking that devotion means putting up with it, you'll get hurt in the worst way.
Wow Akira, that's weird, my DH is like that as well. Listening to him describe his childhood is like a re-run of the Brady Bunch. Except he forgets to mention his father was a raging alcoholic and his mother has a major anxiety disorder. But it really was idyllic, according to him! He also does the overly-negative thing, etc. What does the therapist say about this? Is it related to ADD or something else?Classic ADHD relationship. He has replaced mother with you - and if you close your eyes and listen to him you can imagine the same conversations with his own original mother.
Until you reset the boundaries of the relationship and make it so there's no wiggle room for him to backtrack into his new mother-son relationship he'll revert to it whenever he's comfortable. I did - a lot of ADHD males do.
It goes back to what I say here often - you have to make it so uncomfortable where he sits that he has no choice but to move himself and try and make it better.
A good couple councillor could do wonders for you - when he's ready to admit there's a reason to go.
Glen--How do you "reset the boundaries"?? He is going to a counselor, by himslef, the counselor thought it would be best to work on his stuff first. I don't know how else to say things like the obvious--Youve got mud on your shoes, take them off! How do we change this??
ragurl - to reset the boundaries to adult-adult from adult-child, you will have to stay on him and not back down or let him get away from his responsibilities. For example the shoes - you're going to have to get a bit tough and stand there in front of him - don't give him a place to back down. Just say "stop - look what is happening". Don't yell or get abusive - try to use logic with a calm but firm voice.
Point out specifically the shoes. We don't do well with being asked to figure something out - even what you see as "obvious". You'll have to treat him as if he was an adult roommate - how would you deal with a roommate? Go directly to the cause of your being upset, no hints or cynical talk. Just point, say it's upsetting you and why, and give a solution. That's the best and I know it sounds like a step back but we need to be directly given data to really absorb it until we get the idea.
Now that I'm a year into meds and working on my memory and habits I can take a hint. I no longer miss hidden meanings and when someone asks me a question I can zoom into the problem - where before I would have no clue and be looking everywhere. We honestly don't mean to be obtuse but it's not easy to get anything unless you almost "rub our nose" in it. Sorry.
Be firm, be fair and set limits as to how far you're willing to let his behavior go. Don't back down and it will tire you for a while. But - if the meds are working he'll slowly learn to change his behavior - and he'll know the consequences to not doing it.
Hope that helps! It will be tough but if you are straightforward you'll be able to rest soon. And you'll get to keep your man - new and improved!!
Akira, Here is an example of an argument we had yesterday:
Me (noticing clumps of mud all over the floor): Hon you've got mud on your shoes, take them off! (irritated because he always wears his shoes in the house and tracks in)
Him: I did already!
Me (looking at him in disbelief because the shoes are still ON his feet): Um, your shoes are still on your feet!
Him (continuing to walk through the house): well, I knocked the dirt off!
Me (seeing the mud continue to come off his shoes): well you're still tracking mud! (now very irritated as I am trying to sweep up the growing mess and he's walking through it)
Both walk away angry.
He tells me later that it felt like a personal attack on him and why am I so mean to him? And he feels he can do nothing right in my eyes and it's all about my rules.
All I wanted was for him to stop tracking mud in the house! How does that become a statement about our marriage or a personal attack?? WOuldn't it just be easier to say "oh yeah I DO have mud on my shoes, I will take them off"? I soooooo don't get this!
Glen, I wish I could say I have hope that meds will help, but there is no plan for meds. We have no script coverage, yet fall high enough above the poverty line not to qualify for much help. He did try Stratterra samples with no result. We are hoping the counseling will be enough.
I will try your method. It's very hard to not go into the "yelling" mode because normal voice doesn't seem to get his attention. And when he started lying and defending, I am so frustrated! Also hard to stand in front of him, because he runs away from every conflict (into the other room, outside, etc) I am truly, truly sick of feeling like his mother. Why must he act like a child?? And what to do with his complaint of feeling "picked on" every time I bring up something?
[QUOTE=ragurl] Akira, I am not sure I would take his word that the therapist ACTUALLY said that. That may be what HE heard, but not what the guy said. Miscommunications like that happen ALL the time in my ADD/non-ADD marriage. [/QUOTE]
I've thought about this, and you might be correct.
[QUOTE=ragurl]For me, it makes it harder to tolerate his behavior, when I am fighting pain, fatigue and other symptoms all the time.[/QUOTE]
I have the exact same problem. When I'm in pain I tend to be very b*tchy, and irritated. At times like that I'm also very impatient as well. It's very difficult to be loving, when you hurt so badly you want to scream, but I try not to take my pain out on him anyway.
[QUOTE=ragurl]... If you have to work so much for your relationship after 7 months, where will you be in 2 years, or 5 or 10? Will you just hate him by then? ... Would you say you're mostly happy together? Or mostly fighting? Think for a bit before you answer. [/QUOTE]
Lately I've given our relationship a lot of thought. What I'm in it for, and what I need out of it. When we're together we are mostly happy. When either one of us get's on the other person's nerves we tend to start stupid, meaningless auguments. (One time we argued over music.)
He gives me massages, and tries to take care of me from dawn to dusk. He tries to make me a better person by telling me to remain calm when I want to bite peoples heads off. There are so many things he does for me to make me a better person.
But then there is the other side of the coin...
My boyfriend can be very hard to be around. He gets frustrated, and impatient, and ends up driving me up the wall. This I can except, because I get that way too.
The part I won't stand for is him yelling at me. That I cannot except. I will not.
If therapy helps him to not loose his temper is such a manner, I will continue our relationship, because I'm in love with him.
Akira_Murdock2438664.0134490741No matter what, take care of yourself. There is never an excuse for yelling at someone and he sounds very passive-agressive with the whole turning things around bit. His ADHD explains his behavior but doesn't excuse it one iota. If he's in denial, he needs help or he won't get better. He needs someone who understands adult ADHD and can help him deal with these issues.
The thing is that while they may seem like such a small part of your life, if at some point you intend to spend the rest of your life with him, these moments will become huge and create big problems. Whatever you do, let him know that for your sake, he has to address the issue. You don't want to grow to resent him someday because you can't communicate well. Believe me. Been there, done that and still dealing with it. I love my husband dearly but it was this type of problem that almost ruined our marriage and caused years of hell. He and I have changed so much in the last couple years but it took hard work. Make sure you deal with this issue head-on BEFORE you get anywhere near a life-long committment.
Don't give up and don't give in!
Akira, I am not sure I would take his word that the therapist ACTUALLY said that. That may be what HE heard, but not what the guy said. Miscommunications like that happen ALL the time in my ADD/non-ADD marriage. Akira, I also have a chronic illness, but it didn't start until 5 yrs into our 10 yr marriage. For me, it makes it harder to tolerate his behavior, when I am fighting pain, fatigue and other symptoms all the time. Before, when I was able to work, I didn't have to see him so much, we weren't on such a tight budget, etc. Or maybe I was more distracted by other things at first.
It sounds to me like the alarm bells are flashing red for you my friend. If you have to work so much for your relationship after 7 months, where will you be in 2 years, or 5 or 10? Will you just hate him by then? Because let me tell you, those resentments build up on both sides. Some of the immaturity that comes with ADD (mommy/wife fix it for me!) may never go away. My husband is 50 yrs old and mostly acts like 12. We are "working" on things also, but it's draining. We've been having the same fights on the same topics for 10 years now, but they never seem to get resolved. I wish you the best. I know you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough. Would you say you're mostly happy together? Or mostly fighting? Think for a bit before you answer.
[QUOTE=ragurl] ... "Also hard to stand in front of him, because he runs away from every conflict (into the other room, outside, etc)"[/QUOTE]
Ragurl: My boyfriend's therapist says that we need to communicate more. (Yay!) After that we started looking at our relationship, and realized that we both need to have our own space so we don't feel threatened. This "personal space" must be allowed, so we don't get into any needless fights.
We both understand that when he is visiting my house, he has nothing that is his; everything is mine, and that creates a position of power. I have it; he does not. This has made him feel trapped, and when he feels this way he doesn't comminicate, he shuts down instead.
At his house, I have nothing that is mine; everything is his. But in this case he in the position of power, and I am not. This can make me feel very uncomforable, and lead me to be unreasonable at times.
We have made up some house rules to deal with this problem:
If one of us is upset, angry, or frustrated we need to leave the room, and go to a place where we have our own set aside personal space. I will NOT follow him to his personal space; he won't follow me to mine. When we have calmed down we need to come together, and speak about what is upsetting us. Any arguments MUST be resolved, responsibly. No longer can we just let things go, or get into insane screaming matches. After things are resolved the other person must leave. (In our case this means going back to our respective houses. A relationship which has people living together might call for seperate activities outside the mutual home.)These rules were agreed upon by both of us, because we both understand that our relationship needs to improve. Without agreeing on a course of action we were going crazy when we were together, instead of having a good time.
Now we both see that when we ignore each other's feeling, and try to go out of our way to hurt each other it is selfish, and it ends very badly. It is good to learn from your mistakes, and we are both working on that.
Akira_Murdock2438667.0806134259