Moral Delima: Having Kids | ADHD Information

I can tell you as an adult with ADHD who has lost probably my last chance at having a family (for a long time anyway) that I would have moved mountains to have a little ADHD child of my own.

I think we can make excellent parents as long as we are in control of our condition. 

People with all sorts of physical handicaps are excellent parents and have children in a house of love and understanding every day.  As long as there is a good support base for you and your spouse I say why not?

As long as a child grows up in a house with love and kindness (and has enough to eat and a good house to eat in) there should be no reason not to.

I say do what needs to be done!  A child that is born out of the desire to be parents is truly a lucky child!

There's always adoption too - there are lots of children who have not had the benefit of loving parents out there to be found and loved.

Morning, A_M  -
  My baby is now 26 years old.  She has 3 degrees and is working on a masters.  Works full time, 2 babies, good wife & mother  - She is not ADHD
I am.  I admit I made tons of mistakes - especially - when I would set limits or consequences because I usually forgot to enforce them and she took full advantage.
We are best friends now & support each other.   In spite of my immaturity, poor  choices and poor parenting skills - it turned out ok, because I loveed/love  her with all my heart.   

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything, because of my disability - she became the awsome person she is.

Amen


Akira-

Does this make sense to you?

Loving Parent + Loving Parent = Loved Adder

Understanding Parent + Understanding Parent = Understood Adder

Loved, Understood Adder = Happy Adder

I might be wrong. But many of us have had bad experiences with our parents, because of our ADD. Our parents tried to scold it out of us. Ground it out of us. Yell it out of us. We learned to be sources of disappointment. Creativity was a liability. Exhuberance was called "hyperactivity". Imagination was laziness.

We grew up knowing that we needed to stifle ourselves to get along.
If we did not, we would not be loved. We first learned this from our parents. They only loved us when we sat on our bouncing legs, when we bit back our "silly" chit chat.

We became awkward from stifling. We became sad from beratement.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

Your boyfriend sounds like he would make a great parent, based on the way you describe him.

I am not sure if you are asking an abstract philosophical question, or if you have your birth control halfway in the garbage.

?

There are more important issues than whether your child might have ADD

I whole heartedly agree with Mrs. Frizzle!

I'm with Miss Frizzle, too.  

[QUOTE=barb]Does your handicap prevent you from loving a child? Does your husband's ADD prevent him from loving a child?[/QUOTE]

No. My partner's ADD makes him more loving not less. For me: I laughed at that comment. I never usually look at my disability. Some people think it's strange, but it just doesn't affect me.

Sure there are things I can't do, but I don't dwell on them much. Most of the time I don't have any concerns about my disability. (Except for the having children thing, of course.)

Sometimes other people can be very mean to me because of my disability, but like water off a duck's back, it just tolls off of me.

For my childhood, I was very blessed. I was only teased by other kids once. (And my friend 'took care' of it.) Whenever I think about my experience in public school (K-8th), I feel happy for myself, but very sad for the kids out there that were/ are teased.

I just don't understand that sort of cruelty.

I'm hoping when/ if I have kids I can raise them to be as resliant.

Akira_Murdock2438663.1426736111

Please I don't want anybody to take offense to this. I will try very hard to be careful, and not accidently insult anybody. I really need to know how hard it is for a person with a physical disability (but without ADD), and a person with ADD to parent their child[ren].

Objectivally: It could be very hard. For me, for him, for us, for our children.

At an early age I overheard people speak right in front of me about, "How sad it was that she could never have kids," assuming I couldn't understand. I learned way too quickly to not want, what [I believed]  I could never have.

At 14, I finally asked my doctor. To my horror I discovered that for 9 years I had been mislead, but by then it was too late - the psycological damage was already done.

It is messed-up how some people think they are doing the right thing. But in the end it didn't matter; I had caught the message loud and clear: What person will want a woman with a physical disability who couldn't run even after their kids, and could even pick them up to hold them. How was I to ever meet a decent man who would stay with me, and raise our children?

Reasons don't matter much in the end. It still burns my heart; after all these years. It is something I don't usually mention to people, ever. But it is something that has affected me greatly. I can't help thinking: I want to be a really good parent, and I would die trying. At least that is something good from all of this.

My boyfriend is very good with kids (even worked at a day-care), but at first told me he didn't want any, because he thought I didn't. Later he confessed that he has always wanted to find his soul-mate, fall in love, marry, and have a family.

He is very good with my pets (Except for setting limits.), so I think he could make a pretty good parent. Maybe to other people the animal-thing isn't very much, but I think how people treat another species, will give insight as to how they could potentially treat their own.

I want to have kids now, but if I would be creating a child who could be really miserable, I need to know beforehand. When I look at my boyfriend I see: A sweet man who was a pretty good kid, but struggled because of his ADD. I want a happy kid like he was, but I look at how hard he had it, and wonder if it's fair.

People here have described the teasing, and tormenting by other children. No parent wants that for their kid.

Everyone has told me: If you don't have ADD, but your partner does, your child will have a 50% chance of having it too. Most people say this somehow makes me a horrible person (potentially a bad mother). If I know beforehand that my child will have a disability, and I choose to have my child regardless I am irrisponsible.

I don't agree.

Some people have even made out like this could be grounds to have my child[ren] taken from me, because I would make an unfit mother.

If I had children I would love them, and NOT be willing to give them up. I could never. But hearing horror stories of kids taken from a parent with a disablity, because people assume they can't properly care for them, really, really frightens me.

I'd fight for my kids, and it would almost kill me if I lost them. In the end I would only accept defeat if my child[ren] got a good adoptive parent. Having heard too many horror stories from people who have gone through the system, I am hard-pressed to have very much hope.

This has been everything I have been thinking on a subject, and I'm all rung-out from writing. I pray that somebody (even parent's who have a child with ADD), could give me their opinions. Thanks.

~ AK

Akira_Murdock2438663.1355208333

Does your handicap prevent you from loving a child? Does your husband's ADD prevent him from loving a child?

I have ADHD and I am maybe not the best parent but I am a darn good one. My children know they are loved and wanted. My son has ADD and I don't see that as a disability but rather a difference. He is intelligent, loving and witty. He learns a bit differently, but he does learn.

When considering having children, the issues you need to consider are how will you support them, who will work and who will watch  your children, are you capable of loving and disciplining them?

If you are incapable of caring for the kids physically and your husband goes to work, you need to consider how you will care for them while he is gone. If you can have a care giver come in, then all you need to worry about is loving them. You need to determine whether you will be able to sit and watch someone else discipline them.

There is a lot to consider but a handicap or disability should not automatically disqualify you  from being a parent. Your children will most likely grow up to be caring, compassionate adults because of the environment they are raised in.

If you can give them a stable, loving home and meet their needs, I personally would say go for it.

Shanna- You are the 'fun parent'.    I love that! My dad was mine. He always wanted to do the fun things. Like go shopping for toys, watching cartoons (at 4 AM), playing games, and going to the park.

When I got older, I understood my mother had to be the tough one. She would have loved to just have fun with me/ us, but understood that somebody has to disciplin the kids, and my dad certainly would not be that person.

If I marry the man I'm currently with, I know history will repeat itself with my kids. I always wanted to be the 'fun parent', but my boyfriend will definantly fufill that role.

My boyfriend is patient, and loves to have fun with kids. His nephew's face lights up light christmas lights as soon as he sees him. It is just adorable to watch!

As a parent I will need to be the one to step back, and be the grown-up. It won't always be as fun, but it's what my kids will need.

You can both be the fun parents. My father was the fun parent but he was also the one who was the final authority on discipline. You may not be able to always be your child's best friend instead of the parent, but kids need to know that their parents are stable and mature enough to be their security.

As much as I loved my father, and as much as I loved spending time with him, the thing I missed the most when he passed away was not the fun we had. It was the father who was always strong and wise and able to be my strength and protection when I needed it. Even as an adult, I had such a sense of security knowing he was there if I ever needed a rock and a comforter. Even now, many years later and now a grandmother, I have times when I make choices and decisions by thinking about how my father would do something. His wisdom and strength have a much greater affect on my life than the fun does, although I would never give up my memories of the fun with my Daddy.

 

I have ADD. I am 23 years old. I have a 4 year old. I think I am a great mom! I am a little nuts but that's why I am great. People sometimes tell me that they feel sorry for my son. They are people at work that see me on Friday afternoon acting out of control:) Hey it happens I held it in all week it has to come out sometime. I want to do things with my son that most people do not do and would look at it as a burden. Like making mummies out of crescent rolls and hotdogs for a Halloween party for him. Or for the letter G making ghost of out Kleenex and suckers for show and tell. I have seen the way that parents are now days. I think that having a ADD parent would be the best. I have played the game sorry and the memory game hundreds of times and I never get sick of it. When I make chicken soup before I boil the whole chicken I have to make it do the chicken dance. We will die laughing for 20 min. I watch cartoons with him every Saturday instead of going back to sleep. I think that you guys would make the best parents! I think that non ADD parents do not spend time with their kids. They are in adult thinking that they have to do things like watch everything that is on prime time. I would rather play the memory game!

"I am not sure if you are asking an abstract philosophical question, or if you have your birth control halfway in the garbage." ~ Mizz Frizzle

Don't worry my birth control isn't on the way to the trash can.  It was more of an abstract question. The fact that I'm a planner also comes into play a lot.

How I was raised: "You want a new pet? OK research how to properly care for it, then you can have one."

Or: "You want to start a small business? Give us a completed business plan." My parents were just like that: Plan everything out first, finish the research, then act.

*SHRUGS*

I never make any life-changing decisions, without putting a lot of thought into it. People always say I think to much.

All I can say is that I love my differences.  Movies (dramas) live longer for me.  I can write creative stories like no one's business.  I am creative.  I can draw and paint like no one else.  I know that ADD has affected my life, but I wouldn't trade my life with anyone elses.  I love what talents the Lord has blessed me with and the struggles He has allowed me to have - they have taught me about believing and hanging on.

I can tell you one thing.  I am glad that my parents decided to have me.  I'm glad they loved me.   Life is never perfect.

I know a family in my neighborhood who has a father who is in a wheelchair.  He is a parapalegic (spelling?)  This couple adopted a son.  He is so cute.  I can see how much they love him.  Of course, there are problems and things they have to do differently.  But I think that they are a wonderful couple for adopting that little boy. He really needs them and they love him so much.  (I think the little guy has ADHD!)  But of course, he didn't inherit it from them!

There are some families out there with one parent!!!  I say if you think you can do it and your family is supportive, go for it.