I need some wisdom | ADHD Information
I read in a post elsewhere about the effects that your medication is causing. Could that be part of the reason you feel this attraction?I could really use some advice, or support, or something...I have a big problem and I don't know what to do.
I met my tattoo artist back in August, and we have since become really good friends. Trouble is, I am falling hard in love with him, and even worse, I am married. I love my husband...I do....but we have nothing at all in common, and there's no passion, romance, or even good conversation. All he does is watch tv and read his motorcycle magazines. "A" is everything I've ever wanted in a man: artistic, sensitive, brilliantly intelligent, well-groomed, loves poetry and classical music, loves travel and adventure....the list goes on and on. He doesn't even know I'm alive, and I can see by his body language when we are together that he is not into me at all. Loves my personality, but as far as I can see, is not attracted.
Tonight he invited me to his apartment to cut his hair, and just touching him took my breath away. That haircut couldn't take long enough for me. I wanted to drape myself over him, he's so beautiful.
Even though I know he is not into me that way, I can't get him out of my mind or my system. I think of him and I want to cry. it's not fair to my husband and I'd never forgive myself if I threw myself at "A" and cheated. But I want to...I want to so bad and the compulsion to just tell "A" I want him is getting too strong to overcome.
What do I do? How can I conquer this? Please share your thoughts...and I am far too sensitive right now to take levity...Serious support only, please.
Dabonbon
I first read this and felt sorry for your husband. I assumed he was innocent but now you have told us he is a recovering alcoholic then i understand why you are feeling restless. If you believe you love him and can get through this and that you do think there is hope then please try. But if you see your future without him in it then take action. My Mum wasn't happy with my Dad, she stayed with him hoping it would get better. They had nothing in common!
Then my Dad was paralysed through food poisoning. My Mum stuck by him for a year, fed him, took him to the toilet all the horrible things. She was distraught, but she finally realised she didn't love him anymore. She knew if she did she would be willing to care for him 24/7. She wasn't. His body is moving now but still in a wheel chair and their divorce went through 6months ago. It was a terrible time for him, losing his wife and being in a wheelchair. He then confessed he'd been having an affair for 6years. After everything my Mum did, she felt sick. How could he? She was pleased she followed her true feelings and got out of that marriage before it got nasty.
You need to ask yourself. If your husband were to fall extremely ill tomorrow would you care for him for the rest of your life? If you can't feel that love and you don't feel like you care that much then get out. Tattoo guy is just a sign telling to you leave your marriage if you are that unhappy. Talk to your husband, try to work it out but remember to follow your heart and not to stay with someone for the wrong reasons. xx
You know, sometimes I wonder if my husband is truly in love with me. He says he loves me, but I have to ask him if he does. He doesn't seem the least bit concerned that I have been to another man's apartment twice in one weekend. I came home last night and he said (sarcastically), "So did you cut your boyfriend's hair?" He didn't even look up at me from his magazine. Maybe part of me is trying to make him jealous or shock him out of his apparent complacency.
Dabonbon
I know you are all correct in what you say. I appreciate your tough talk and I will take your advice.
Just a little background on my husband...
He is a recovering alcoholic, and for the first 15 years of our relationship he was drunk 95% (literally) of the time. I stayed because I knew there was a good man under that sickness. 3 years ago he went to jail for his 4th DUI for 3 months and there he decided to quit drinking forever. He came home and I got a new, sober husband. A nice guy, but finds it impossible to communicate on a deeper level than small talk. From the age of 13 until 39, he dealt with the world around him by drinking. Trouble is, he never learned how to function deeply within himself or with others in a healthy way. He refuses counseling and feels that his very presence in our home is proof enough that he loves me. We have marriage mentors, and they have counseled us together, but he doesn't seem to be able to utilize the tools he's been provided with to make our marriage more than surface. We've even been counseled about our sex life, and he just doesn't seem interested in working at it.
I can't live like this anymore...Maybe I do need to re-evaluate whether or not we are truly right for oneanother.
Dabonbon
Dabonbon, it sounds like there really isn't anything to do. Mr. Tattoo is not into you, and since he doesn't know how you feel about him, you have no dilemma. Your only absolute action item is to STAY AWAY from Mr. Tattoo at all costs.
I think you seriously need to reinvest in your marriage. You didn't tell us anything about your relationship with your husband other than he's boring. Explain to him that you are feeling restless, bored, distant from him, whatever, and that you would like to reconnect with him. Go out on dates to places you'd both enjoy. Get your mind off the tattoo guy and try to strengthen the bond with your husband.
Also, read this (you will have to watch a commercial to enter the site). The situation sounds like it is similar to yours. You might also want to read some of the reader comments.
There is no shame in being attracted to someone else, but there is shame in cheating on your husband. Don't make an already emotionally difficult situation more difficult by doing something you can't take back.
Don't throw yourself at him (A). Especially, since you know he is not into you. Having a one night stand will only make things worse for you if he then rejects you again. If you are so unhappy in your marriage see if your husband will go to counceling. If not, then think long and hard about whether you want to end the marriage. Cheating when married is not the way to go. Just my opinion.I totally agree with Ragurl, being married to an alcoholic is difficult!!! I know this one well. Find some support from others that understand. I go to soberrecover.com They have a great network of people that understand in their forums under freinds and family. They also have online meetings. I've found wonderful support in dealing with the lonliness and lack of communication that goes along with being married to an alcoholic. You will definately find that you are not alone, that you are worth putting first in your life, and find some peace.
It is a very difficult road to be on. Very lonely and very frustrating at times. Just make sure you are making correct decisions for yourself. I like to ask myself, "Will I regret this in six months?" and "Will this matter in six months"
The very very best to you!!! Huge Hugs,
~FaithChaser
Lets see, how does that song go "...I'll staayyy awwayyyy..."IF MR TATTOO IS RECEPTIVE TO GETTING IT ON W/ A MARRIED WOMANHE IS NOT A REAL MAN.
Dabonbon,
I wouldn't put too much stock in your husband saying or not saying "I love you." Many men have a hard time saying the words. Like he said, he may be showing you that he loves you by coming home every night. The sarcastic, "So did you cut your boyfriend's hair?" shows that he did notice. If he's not a demonstrative man, this may be all you get out of him. Think of the alternative: a man who shows his displeasure by yelling and hitting. You have to decide what you want out of this marriage, then you have to figure out how to get it. You answered ScattySarah's question about whether you love him by deflecting the question onto your husband. Do you love him? Is there enough of a bond between you to work on a closer relationship? Do you want to be married to him? Are you willing to work on your relationship? These are questions only you can answer. If you decide that you do want to work on your marriage, then you have GOT to tell him that you are unhappy and that you want to work on your relationship. You have to make sure that he hears you!! A lot of times, we feel like we are making our thoughts and wishes known to our partners, but the recipient doesn't really get it. If he doesn't hear you and you leave him, he will feel blindsided, like he wasn't given an opportunity to change, or like you betrayed him. If you decide that you don't want to be married to him, you need to make a plan to leave, then follow it. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of animosity between you, which is good, so try to make it an amicable separation if possible.Keep us posted.
Faithchaser--is there a more direct link for the support of family on that site?? I looked and couldn't find one...specifically was looking for message boards/chats for families.Link to forums for alcoholics & their families in the group faithchaser mentioned.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/
another forum is
http://www.cyberrecoveryforums.com/
chat room but no forum here
http://www.12stepforums.net/alanon.html
thoughts38694.2469328704Do what you gotta do. If it's what's best for you, do it. If you've tried, and died, then maybe it's not what's best. For anyone. Love is a choice, though. Not just a feeling. I gave my best, for half my frickin life, and all I did was die. Now, I wanna live, so I revoke my choice to love her. She rejected it once too many times. Life's too short. I'm movin' on. If you do move on though, WATCH YOUR BACK, the ex can get pretty vicious. You have a right to be accepted as you are. You do not have to change your personality for no one. Behaviors, yes, but not who you are. And if Drive By Body Pierce is blind to you, he probably won't be swayed, either, and you'll end up chokin' on his splinters. He'll just use you for his own agendas. Find someone who has your best in heart. They are out there. Good luck.
P.S. Listen to me w/a truckload of salt (a grain won't do), b/c I'm bitterly biased right now. Pshyt happens, so plow the road, and get on down the highway. Other's'll follow. Or, you'll end up like the Donner Party. On Donner Pass. Near Truckee. In a blizzard, outa food, so they ate each other. That's what a bad marriage is like. You'll die. Or he will. Inside. You'll just consume each other in pathetic attempts to survive.
P.P.S. On the other hand, expect a miracle, and you may get one. God always answers prayers; Yes, No, or Wait.
My husband is a good man, and I love him enough to have a "come to Jesus" talk with him after the holidays. It's either he makes and invested effort to show some interest in his wife, or he moves in with his sister to think about what he stands to lose.
One thing I've discovered about "A" (aka "Tattoo Man", "Drive By Body Pierce")....He is a man whose sense of honor far outweighs his desire for a piece of tail.
Dabonbon
In response to "taritac"-- I was thinking about what you asked me ("do you love him?") all day yesterday, and the truth is, I don't really know. I love him as a companion, but I don't think I'm in love with him, you know? And this has nothing to do with "A." I have felt this way for a long time. I don't feel treasured or desired at all, and it's very painful. I'm beginning to wonder if my father was right when he said no man would ever want me.
Oh, they want me for money, sex, occasional company, but they don't want me. I'm too deep, bizarre, artsy, sensitive. it's the message I've been given all my life: "B, you are too much and not enough."
Dabonbon
Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth: 1) you are living with a dry drunk (someone who no longer is drinking, but still has the behaviors of a drunk) 2) you feel emotionally deprived and have felt for years 3) you're finding yourself looking outside (understandable) and 4) you're on some new meds with some new side effects.
Get thee to an Al-Anon meeting and quickly go. And get thee to a decent counselor, so you can sort out 1-4.