ADHD parents of children with ADHD? | ADHD Information

Hi Everyone:

I am the parent of a 13 yr. old boy that was just diagnosed with ADHD and I think my husband and I both might have it. I'm concerned that our parenting styles might be hurting our son because of the ADHD. Is their anyone out there with ADHD with children that have it? Need advice on what we can do to help him, and what we're doing wrong so not to damage him.

Thanks,

Island Gypsy

Hi island gypsy,

I just got diagnosed myself but what started my search was the same as you reading about my sons ADHD. I recognised so much about myself. I had just started seeing a therapist because I felt like I was yelling to much at my kids. This therapist helped me get tested. I have just started meds myself for ADHD and am hoping that will help me in many ways including parenting. As I said I am seeing a therapist and will most likely be joining an anger management group. The anger comes from many sources including dealing with ADHD for 47 years. My son is also seeing a psychologist to help him recognize and deal with his ADHD symptoms as well as taking meds. This is just my families experience and we are still new to this as my son was just diagnosed last fall. I hope this helps a little.

-Gettingagrip-

I worry about that also. I do make sure my son knows that his father and I both seem to have it and are having problems just like he is. I make sure he knows I love him, try to control my temper (all to often unsuccessfully) and am quick to apologize so he knows that I am holding myself accountable for my actions and trying to control them.

One thing I am very aware of is that I make sure I don't use judgement words when I deal with him. I try to never tell him he is lazy, (and some times he is, ADHD or not, its a human trait), bad, or use negative terms to describe him. I will tell him that whether he feels like doing something or not it has to be done, that his behavior is unacceptable, his attitude needs to be adjusted, etc. I never want him to think that ADHD traits are him or that he is less of a person because of them. He is different. I am different. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and his and mine are mostly related to the ADHD.

Children are very forgiving. As the adults it is our responsibility to set an example for our children. I learned that I have much more control over my behavior and my words when I was raising my daughter. It took me years but I finally learned to use tact! (more successfully in writing than in speaking) When I screw up, which is still too often, my kids are wonderful about forgiving me. By seeing me take responsibility for my behavior, it shows them that it is not acceptable to play the blame game.

Hopefully, by seeing his parents cope with ADHD and be reasonably successful, my son will learn that you can live with it but it takes work and accountability. I am hoping to make the ADHD in common deal something that works for us rather than against us.

I am scared spitless sometimes that I am doing everything wrong, but I would bet that every parent has those same fears whether they or their children are ADHDers or not.

We survived. Our kids will too and hopefully our being aware of and confronting our ADHD issues will be a blessing rather than a curse. Everything in life can be used as a learning and growing experience. We aren't perfect parents but we are trying. We are aware of it which is more than most of our parents were so our kids should have it easier than we did. I am praying that their kids will have better, more in control parents than they did, simply because each generation being aware and learning, plus meds and behavior therapy, etc, will help to avoid much of the problems the previous generation had.

The thing I fear the most is that his self esteem will be poor because no matter how hard I try to sit still and listen when something is important to him, all too often my mind will wander and he will catch me. If its important to him, its important to me but he just thinks I am not interested in him and what he thinks. It looks to him like I don't care.

There's a book called Moms with ADD: A Self-Help Manual by Christine A. Adamec, Esther, M.D. Gwinnell

Thanks for all the info. I have tons of reading to do by the looks of it.

Thanks again to everyone

Island Gypsy

its funny you know - I think an adhd parent is more likely to understand their adhd child than a non-adhd parent. You are lucky - you can understand what he is going through therefore teach him that he is special regardless of this problem. If you feel good about yourself and can pass that on - that is better than anything.

I having add myself can look at my boy and know his limits, recognise when he is trying, recognise when he is quitting, understand his frustration and anger and still think he is most amazing clever little boy in the world.

My parents have ADHD and obviously, so do I. Sometimes they were forgetful and disorganized but they always made sure to set a good example. As a result, I think it has made me a better person. I don't think ADHD can cause bad parenting. I think setting a bad example, a lack of discipline and affection causes bad parenting and anyone can be guilty of that, ADHD or not.

Support him, tell him ADHD is nothing to be ashamed of and that he can still be a productive person and that you love him! Tell him you know what he's going through- you have it too and you will do anything you can to help each other and to understand what you're all going through.

Cheekydeeky

cheekydeeky38202.5870717593

apparently guilt is a parents' disease? LOL, i definitely harbor guilt about the smallest thing. i do spend a very special effort to be very patient with him.

sumi

oh my. i'm so glad someone else broke the ice on this one. i've been in purgatory for a bit of time now feeling tremendously guilty about my son and i. i stayed at home with him for a bit over a year..i was at home at the end of my pregnancy due to premature birth worries from my doc, and then i stayed at home with him while he was an infant, and then moved from austin (lived there for seven years and i miss it every day) to houston.

it was really hard on me and us. but i didn't realize until this past year that 1) i had postpartum deppression. 2) that i had adhd and it was really impacting my life ..i had the diagnosis a long time ago i just didn't believe it. and now i was seeing how horrible it was just eating away at my life unchecked..

when he was an infant i was an ideal mother b/c i felt absolutely capable of caring for him and comforting for him..it was comforting itself to be able to provide that for him..when he became a bit older it became harder and harder as i had to drop him off at montessori when i returned to work and he was a little bit older than one. i can still see his chubby angelic face upturned to me and crying his poor little eyes out and clinging to his legs ..i could barely handle it. i am truly traumatized by it and i still cry b/c of those moments..i had to be relatively brusque and give him a kiss on the cheek and say as nicely as i could put it "mama loves you and i have to go to work, i will see you tommorow morning, and daddy is going to see you in a little bit, "..i waited tables in the night..and my husband would pick him up in the afternoon. i felt like he was lucky b/c he got to 'rescue' my son every day ,

i work days now. my son is almost four and i find myself strained to fix our relationship. i never thought it would be so hard so fast. i thought that the younger tender years would be easy b/c i love him so much..but my patience has a tendency to wane as we have very little, and i've snapped and yelled at him. i feel so damned GUILTY! i wonder have i ruined him already? he used to want me all the time to hold and comfort him and now its all about daddy. he practically kicks and screams every time i'm the one to put him to bed.

i do think he has adhd. but it seems to early to tell. i'm so anguished..i don't want his life to be as hard as mine was. life is hard enough. the one sole grace for my own self forgiveness is realizing that i was abused as a child, he will not be.

but those 'minor' infractions are cumulative, and i worry. ..i am now on a self instituted plan to put him to bed and bathe him by myself every night. its been a struggle b/c i'm often totally spent by that time of the day. but i do it b/c i think it will be key in getting him back...i don't like to play soccer or any of the other things he likes i'm the 'unfun' one

he actually asked "mama are you funny sometimes? daddy and me are funny!"

and i said "yes baby, you will have to learn how to read to see how mama does funny things, all my funny happens in my writing, so one day you will see how mama is funny"

it made me cry that night. he thinks i have no sense of humor.

one of my worst sins as a parent is that although im goofy at times, the height of goofy, i am a serious person. and i cannot bring myself to really relate to the childrens' world. i remember being a child clearly, but this is only abstract compared to really knowing how to communicate with young children. i'm so horrible at that!

upside: my son has excellent vocabulary and speaks like a little adult. i never did lighten up so much when speaking to him as far as vocab and the like.i never babytalked him. ahh

but the GUILT i get knocked down by it sometimes. i cry alone sometimes when it all hits me, all my memories of his tears and the moments that i could of spared just a bit of patience.

i'm working on it.

sumi

Hi Everyone:

Still searching the net and getting more and more confused with so much to read, but still hanging in there doing my best. I just wanted to check in with everyone and to thank all of you for your support. I've enjoyed reading all of your posts. Have a great day!

Thanks,

Island Gypsy

[QUOTE=sumiah]

upside: my son has excellent vocabulary and speaks like a little adult. i never did lighten up so much when speaking to him as far as vocab and the like.i never babytalked him. ahh

but the GUILT i get knocked down by it sometimes. i cry alone sometimes when it all hits me, all my memories of his tears and the moments that i could of spared just a bit of patience.

i'm working on it.

sumi

[/QUOTE]

Sumi, you have so much to offer your son. I am serious with my kids too - they need some one to be. If both me and my husband were too serious, or both not serious enough - where would they learn balance. Dont feel guilty, you are doing your best to raise your boy and being empathetic towards him. No body is really happy all the time. If you cant be "fun" why not be the cuddly one - or the one that reads to him or the one that cooks with him. It is amazing the memories we remember when we grow up. And what we remember as important or with fondness. You show him love differently to his dad and he probably knows that.

thanks so much for saying that i really appreciate it. i needed to hear that..

sumi