I really have a problem with stupid rules and also with people who gain a little power and then really use it.
I know I need to just jump through the hoops and also pretend - go along with the power games, etc. I know that. I can even do it most of the time now. However, when I get under stress and certain buttons are pushed, the old tendencies sometimes come unglued. I say the thing that is emotional and going through my mind and that should never come out - it just is said anyway.
It happened yesterday. This person who has power regarding a certain program started blocking my access to something I need, started accusing me of not telling the truth about something and then kept complaining that I wanted her to individualize things for me. She really was being a complete b ....
At first, I tried to be polite and I was doing ok but eventually - after listening to her cut me off and put me down - I sort of lost it - and i told her to go to hell - Thank goodness i didn't literally use the word hell but it was pretty obvious.
It's the kind of thing i used to do much more often. I know I should have bit my tongue because even if she was being a jerk it wasn't in my interest to tell her so - and now I feel like this idiot.
I've already sort of appologized - sent an e-mail saying I wish the conversaion had gone better - i've already thought about the buttons that were pushed and imagined how to get through it more effectively the next time - and i'll try to do better next time - everyone makes mistakes - those are the things i'd tell someone else - but i still really hate that it happened.
i look at all the concrete progress i've made yet a situation like that really is discouraging.
My question for you is, why do you think you have to take other people's crap? It sounds crude but frankly, she was already doing her level best to keep you from performing as you should, which would have made you look bad anyway.
Maybe the smart thing to do would have been to go to her superior and complain, but then again, it is possible that she will treat you with more respect in the future.
Personally, I would be looking for another job. I stayed in one where a co-worker did everything she could to make me look bad and she made my life he**. If I had been in a position to leave, I would have. Looking back, I wish I had tried to get out long before I did.
You shouldn't beat yourself up for coming unglued when someone is deliberately pushing your buttons to the max. Only a saint or a person with no self esteem would take that without blowing.
barb -
thanks for the reply. i think you're right if i could "leave" and avoid this person that would be a better situation. however, i'm not sure if that is my option at the moment.
I guess i think i need to take other people's crap because sometimes people have power and they can make my life miserable if i don't kiss their ass - and be that saint - the person who takes someone who is being a passive aggressive jerk and somehow strokes their ego and builds them up - while i also somehow accomplish my goals.
other people seem to be able to do this much more easily than me - that is use the knowledge that things don't make sense but deal with the people anyway as a maneuver to get what they want.
i know that when people act like jerks it's nearly always because they don't understand, or more often because of an unresolved injured or threatened feeling. i look out into the world and i see a lot of messed up people - yet they also have these good, pure hearts under all of their layers of crap.
i get annoyed at myself when i know all of this but don't deal with it as effectively as i'd like.