Me too. "Because you’re all so smart!" | ADHD Information

bepaitent, my advice is from the perspective of your Fiance'. A few years before I met my current wife i was in love with another woman who was divorced and had 2 wonderful boys (8,10)who loved and were loved by me. We were together long distance for about 2 years. I wanted children of my own ; she did not. We split up. I will always miss her. I can't say it was as deep and fulfilling a love as you profess.

I met someone else got married and had those kids of my own and they are my world. I am glad I chose to have and raise "my own" kids.

My point is: For having lived the opportunity of knowing,teaching, loving and being loved by my kids I'm glad I chose this path. though I still sometimes think 'what if?"

Unless I miss the point, I don't see adoption as an answer for either of you. From your perspective, although adoption "avoids" the potential complications of child birth, you still have a child to raise during a time of your life that you are planning on pursuing other important (TO YOU) goals. From his (mine): If fathering / adopting someone elses child and making it his own would provide the fulfilment he (i) is seeking then you already have kids. I needed my own dna in the mix.

PLEASE FOLKS: adoption was not the answer for ME. I am not saying that it is in any way bad or less than as good as "fathering" your own. It just was not going to fulfil my need.

fisher38706.3733333333Invitro isn't a guarantee and is expensive. I say go for adoption. Foreign ones are easier to get. Get you and him and find a area you both could look into that would make you both happy. Just a idea. RN
I am only 25,so I have a different perspective. But I also have a father who was older, and a mother who had reservations about having a child.

But regardless of the medical reasons, I think there is 1 important fact... If you do not want another child at this point in your life, there is your answer.

Dr Phil (who I am not a huge fan of) made a statement I heard that I agree with...basically that a child should never be born with a job. And from your post, it sounds like you are considering having a child to make him happy. You have children already, so you know it's a LONG commitment. Also, what do your children think?

And not to be negative, but if the relationship doesn't work out, then there is a child that you had reservations about to consider. I got the feeling you guys haven't been back together for long? So waiting a year or two would make some sense, if you do decide to get pregnant. It will also give your family time to adjust to the recent changes.

You say he would stay with you either way. And it sounds like you have some dreams you want to make happen, like college. Why should you change all your plans for him? What about what you want, you know?

Good luck, either way.
-C

People have told you to consider your age and the possible health of your baby. Have you considered the toll it will take on your health? I had my second child when I was 38, 11 years after the first one. The whole thing was much harder on me. Raising him is much harder on me.

Its also harder on my husband than it would have been when he was younger. He is looking at the future and wondering how he is going to manage all the costs of raising a teen, plus pay for college and still be able to retire. He also doesn't have the energy or stamina that younger fathers have when it comes to sports and camping, etc. He may be still fairly young and strong now, but in 10 or 12 years, he will feel the difference.

Something to consider: My husband considers our grandchildren to be his. I don't think he even thinks about the fact that they don't share his dna. Frankly, I think he looks at them for his family characteristics. Knowing him, he found some!

The point I am making is, do you think it is possible that your new husband will get the fulfillment he needs from your grandchildren? He will be their grandpa from the day they are born and can spoil them to his heart's content without having to go through the years of being an older father. Believe me, I'm sure your kids won't mind the two of you, or just him, babysitting a lot! Trust me, they love to let the grandparents give them a break.

Oh yes!

I hope you find great joy and happiness in your marriage!

Well - I'll give you my two cent's worth for what it is worth...

Why hasn't your fiancee thought about your wishes in this? Why is he so adamant he wants a child at his age now?

I used to think "man - I want a child in my life so bad" - but as the years have gone by I know it's selfish and unrealistic. At 44 your child would be 18 and you at 62. Seeing as it takes 9 months to have the child better make that 63 at least - 2 years from a pension!

Men sometimes can thing of the ME before the WE. It's a bad thing and I try hard to avoid that.

Everyone has brought up the health risk, the down's syndrome risk and the other criteria. But what about that you are finally free to do what you wish - then you will have 18 to whatever years of being the mom again??

Just be careful - don't get into a relationship where selfishness takes over your life. I mean his selfishness not yours.

The puppy idea sounds good to me ;)

I would say make sure he understands the realities of the situation and not just the fantasy part - you don't want to resent him a few years from now. You have children so you know what it's really like but he doesn't. The wonderful idea that this would be a child of your love for each other so to speak won't help one bit when everything gets hard (which it will at some point in time).

Good luck to you and congratulations.

[QUOTE=bepatient]

Any more thoughts?

[/QUOTE]

Yes, don't "agree" to get married and decide later. The factors are all available to consider now. Best of luck.

Before either of you made a definate decision maybe you could look into being foster parents for six months to a year. They have new borns that need a temp. home. That way everyone can see what an impact it would make on your life. You, him, the twins. In the mean time you'd be doing a good service and giving some children a safe place for a while. There are many different types of foster parenting. Full time, where you get a child placed with you indefinately. Temp care where you get them until they locate another home or family member. And foster care with the intent to adopt.

You guys are awsome. Your perspectives help me so much.

Many of you posed some questions that I should answer that might help more toward a solution.

First of all chjones, I think you may be right. It might be just as simple as my fiancee living with my 13 year old twin girls for a while for him to decide, "never mind." Just wait untill the boys start coming around. I know that stressed my Dad out big time!

My fiancee dosen't want to adopt. He only wants to have a child if it's with me. He said he dosen't want a machine. In other words, a woman who could easily give him children. He only wants one with me because he wants me first and only our combined DNA will due.

My twins are okay with it, they would like a little brother or sister. I haven't told my older daughter yet that I'm considering it.

Another thing is that I can only give birth by ceserien section. My birth canal is too narrow. So if I got my tubes reconstructed that's one big surgery (they would have to cut through muscle), then wait several months for that to heal. Then the C-section (major surgery) and recovery.

Or I could go the invetro route. That's what I think would be best.

Then the money issus comes up. Well at least that is not a concern. I guess because he didn't have a wife and children he needed to give time to, he was able to accomplish a lot personally. He is working on his PHD and has a successful computer networking buisness as well as a techinal school. So basically he is finantually independent. He only really has to take trouble shooting calls and go to meetings once in a while.

I won't need to work unless I want to and he can be a stay at home Dad! Haven't run that on by him yet, but I will.

So with me, him and my girls there is pleanty of help. If he is willing to really help out, above and beyond most. That would really help in my decision. That way I could still accomplish my dream.

Still going through all the procedures and surgeries with the risk of not being able to even get pregnant or not having a healthy baby, recovering from surgery if I do get pregnant, then no sleap for a few months..... I am in excellent health but it's still scary and like Glen said, 18 more years of putting another person first...

Any more thoughts?

One more thought bp - then I'll leave it to you.

What about that child? Is it fair to bring a child into the world merely to attempt to bond you two together? Everyone who has tried that knows that it ends often with the poor child bouncing from house to house (not saying that's the case but well...). And this child may resent the fact that its parents are going to be older than the other kid's parents - and that their children may not have grandpa and grandma around as long as other kids' have them.

Just thoughts to work on - it just sounds like he's doing it for selfish reasons and not truly thinking it over much. At this point in my life I look back at my last LTR and am GLAD my DNA didn't have the chance to mix with hers. It would have been hell for my little child and frankly it was selfish of me to try at that point without more thought.

But if you do - I hope all goes well.

Again, it's the age of your eggs that are the concern, as far as having a healthy baby. The first thing I would do is call around to invitro places and see if they will even do invitro on a woman over forty-five, who wants to use her own eggs. I am not sure they will. Before getting your hopes up, I would clarify this. Then, I would have a conversation with your fiance about Downs.

I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to hearing what you guys decide!

lillian38706.5047685185

bepatient

I'm wondering after you have surgery to get the tubes untied and go through the nine month thing assuming it works and then the c-section and recovery. And all the mother stuff for the next year or two (remember he's a first time dad) and the time to recover from the whole ordeal... What's he bringing to the table? I don't mean that in a bad way.

I'm a 46 yr old man-child father of two boys. Younger had heart surgery after birth and lots of stuff after that in the last 14 years. It's been a long road and I still have a ways to go.

I wouldn't trade either of my boys for anything (at least anything I can think of today!) but I would not even consider having another child for anyone. This is my time comming soon and I am going to enjoy it because I've earned it and so it sounds like have you.

If everything goes perfectly you could have that child raised by the time your ready to retire if something goes wrong you take away from your other kids, your time, energy, money, and ability to spoil the hell out of your future grandkids!

On the other hand you could be lucky enough to get a good one and then they as you know have a way of finding a place in your heart and its all good.

[QUOTE=lillian]

I am determined that no matter where life leads me, I will be able to take care of myself financially. I will NEVER be dependent upon a man to meet my financial needs.

I agree wholeheartedly lillian. In fact, this is something I have stressed to all three of my daughters. This is one of the reasons for me to get my degree. I fully understand this. I will somehow, with whatever happens with or without a new baby, continue my education.

Thanks so much for sharing your personal story. It is helpful.

I love my husband, but I have a life and interests separate from him. When you give up your identity to your family, you risk becoming lost and waking up and asking yourself where and who you are.

I totally agree. I have lost my identity in other relationships and I do understand how important it is to keep seperate interests as well as a few good friends!

No matter how much he fulfills you emotionally, you had a full life before him and that life should continue.

I understand what you're saying but isn't it right that in a good relationship you should do things to make the one you love happy? I want him to be happy as much or more than I want myself to be happy.

I don't mean to hurt you, by stating what I have, but the more I read your posts, the more concerned I am becoming. And you know what? I think you are, too, and this is the reason why you are posting on and on about this.

You don't hurt me at all. I so apreciate the honesty of all that have replied...Yes, I am still quite concerned, and maybe it is why I keep posting on this.

Things went very well when he met my girls. They had their 13th B-day while we were in CA. He is so thoughtful. He gave C. a beautiful chess set he got when he went to Peru not long ago. It was so beautifully hand painted Maya's vs. the Spanyards. C. loves it. He gave M. beautiful hand painted spice containers, also from his trip to Peru. He knows that M. has a passion for cooking and she loved it. He also gave M. an authentic Native American "dream catcher" as he knows her ADD gives her many thoughts and dreams.

I'm telling you he is beyond....I truly love this man, deeply. When we first meet each time at the airport we kiss and hug as if we are the only two people on the planet. Everything else becomes so.. trivial. Even when we go out to eat, we just tell the waiter to bring us anything. We only see and hear each other when we are in public. It's very intense. And when we're alone............OMG.

This is better than any love I've ever experienced. Believe me, our ages don't have anything to do with anything.

Not sure how I got off on that tangent, but..keeps it interesting I guess

Anyway he brought up the baby issue. First of all he does still want to marry me if I don't want to have another child but he did express that it would most likely weigh heavily on him in the future. He want us to have our own family unit. He knows because of my girls age that all he can hope for is to become a good friend to them.

I find it way too difficult to say no to him about a baby!! I do love children. With enough talk about it I can start picturing it and get excited and happy at the possibility. I did show him that at one point. He then said, "You were born to be a mother."

I know he meant it as a compliment, but it did rub me a little the wrong way. I still don't know exactly why it didn't feel so good to hear that. Maybe he dosen't think I can succeed at anything else? I don't know.. guess I just need to ask him.

I guess I should go since it's 3:00am!

Thanks my friends. My brain is still tired.

[/QUOTE] "You were born to be a mother."

I know he meant it as a compliment, but it did rub me a little the wrong way. I still don't know exactly why it didn't feel so good to hear that.

well, because it is in direct conflict with YOUR current dreams and ambitions right now. that's why. and does he care about supporting you in what YOU want to do? oh, bepatient - you have to live your life so it's all good i guess. get that damn degree tho. if he stops you from getting that - arrrrr!

on the other hand - glad you are in love an all.

Happy New Year !!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny - but I have been going through a lot of my own searches back and forth in my timeline... very similar to yours I think.

The thing I'm realizing is you can't go back. I too wanted to rekindle old flames and had to realize for that to happen both people had to evolve into something new before that could happen.

I started to look back at why things didn't work out. She would change - I would get booted to the curb. A year would pass and she had changed a lot but I had not. That went on for quite some time - and it only occurred to me how stunted a life that was!

To be looking on things that made us happy or that we wanted decades ago is simply fooling ourselves. We change - we develop and evolve into new people all the time!

What makes me wonder with you and your man so much is truly - why is the child so important at this juncture in his life?? Is it to make a new life and someone you both could love - or is it a bond that cannot be easily broken? I suspect the latter - and I too had that thought for a long time. I thought - if only I could make a baby with a woman... she would have a harder time letting me go. What a foolish thought - but it comes to mind for many.

He's waited a long time for a child. One must wonder what the true reason for that is. For me - I tried hard since my early 20's but cannot make it happen biologically. But for most men if the desire is there (and often when not) the making of a child is simple and fast. If he truly wanted a child I would have thought he could have had one during the time between your first relationship and now.

I don't want to rain on your chance for happiness. But you aren't the girl you were - any more than he is the boy he was. To pretend that it is like that is foolish and you know that.

Like I said I looked at going back to my long-term woman. But I realize I have changed (whew finally) - and the only reason I used to go back to her was that I was stagnant and though she was constantly changing the rock-steady plain old me was what brought her back after the fun was over. That isn't enough for me anymore - and though she denies it I am not for her either.

I can't say that's you but honestly take a hard look - at the two of you NOW - not as it was. The was is no more - pretend you just met. Could you stay forever if this was the only contact you had?? The young couple that parted is no more.

Well that's my two bits. I am probably the last person who should give love advice - but I guess I can point out the pitfalls as I hit most of them.

Good luck again - but do the homework so you don't come back here wondering why. That sucks.

So he is pretty much asking you to change yourself into a person you were many years ago, have major surgery, give up your freedom, have a high-risk pregnancy, depend on him completely financially, start all over again with a new baby, and devote your life to him and his wants/needs. And somehow you are the one feeling bad right now. It seems to me that he ought to be grateful that you would even consider doing it at all.

I know that as a wife with ADD, it seemed so much easier to just let him handle everything and make all the decisions and "take care of me" so to speak in return for me devoting my life to him. But after a few years it gets really old for both partners, believe me, no matter if you are soul mates. Please, just make sure he is in love with who you are now, not some romantic fantasy. I think a soul mate would understand your fears and respect your decision on such a major, life-changing issue.

[QUOTE=bepatient]

I flew out to L.A. on thursday last week to see him. I told him about all I had been thinking about. Everything I said about it being my time now. . Well I felt horrible. He said that back 15-20 years ago he just wanted to postpone having children and me saying no now is permanent.

Anyway It's a deep focus and it has to be for me to do it and complete it. I'm wondering now if I can step back and re-think what I'm doing. I decided to get my degree so I could make more money than I was making as an instructional teaching assistant. I knew my marriage would not last long and I knew I had to make more money to take care of myself. I liked being an assistant because I did get to teach but the money was horrible.

Now that money isn't an issue in my life. I think maybe I should re-evaluate going to school. Yes it would be great just to say that I graduated but I now have the love of my life in my life. Maybe I could have another child and stay home and take care of it and be content being a good wife and mother like I always wanted. I could eventually volunteer or work as an instructional assistant again. I could teach and not have to worry about all the extra junk teachers have headaches over.

This man cherishes me. . I really need to re-think my path..So hard to switch gears.

What would some of you do if you were me? My brain is tired.

[/QUOTE]

Bepatient,

I really hate to say this.... but considering everything you have said, My gut is screaming, NO, you can't do this!!!!

The Cons so outweight the Pros.

Your age and how old you'll be when your child will be in school. (Remember, when you go to parent activities everyone will think you are grandma or possible great grandma) The steps needed to get pregnant. Possbible Downs issue among others. Moms always end up being the caretakers 99% of the time And by your comment I quoted above, you guys haven't even lived together! I know you are saying "soul mate" but are you sure you just aren't "remembering the past"? You guys need to live together daily to really know if you are meant to be together before considering trying to have a child, in my opinion and time isn't what you have. You are putting your dreams of an education on hold! (What if your marriage is a mistake and you guys split up?) He is being very selfish, in my opinion, since he still seems to be trying to talk you into this even though he know knows all your concerns.

I wish you all the luck in the world if you decide to do this! I certainly wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

Auntie38713.4226736111

I agree, Auntie. I've told my wife we need to have one of our own.....I know it's not in the picture....I'm only kidding her....but truth be known, I wish I could have been the father of her children.

Anyway...I gave up the idea of children and had a vasectomy when I first married first wife. I didn't want any one else going through the mental hell I did. Thank God that now I am being treated for ADHD, I see there is help....but the way I was treated growing up...I refused to pass that on as an inheritance.

My five stepchildren, and two grandchildren love me as a father/grandfather...I'll settle for this!

It hurts him that I don't have enthusiasm to have his child now whereas back all those years ago that was my main focus. He wants the women I was then when all I wanted was to be with him and have children and stay home and take care of them.

That was all I wanted for many years. I think that dream and desire got destroyed when my husband cheated on me when my twins were about a year old. All of my efforts to be a good wife and mother were crushed. I felt like a worthless nothing.

This man now, my soul mate wants to take care of me finantually. He wants me to trust him fully, which I should because he's never given me a reason not to. But somehow I think I would feel so vulnerable if I were to allow myself to try again to be the best wife and mom I could be, and nothing else. I'm afraid I wouldn't be apreciated again.

This is what it comes down to. I believe because of my ADHD, it is very difficult for me to begin something and follow through. With going back to school I made a strong committment. I've been going part-time for about 3 years. I didn't go for 1 full year somewhere in there but I still had the focus that I'm going to keep going and eventualy get my degree.

This man cherishes me. . I really need to re-think my path..So hard to switch gears.

What would some of you do if you were me? My brain is tired.

[QUOTE=GlenW]

To be looking on things that made us happy or that we wanted decades ago is simply fooling ourselves. We change - we develop and evolve into new people all the time!

We both are the same people at our core. We both, thankfully, are wiser. We have both developed a deep apreciation for each other.

What makes me wonder with you and your man so much is truly - why is the child so important at this juncture in his life??

He tells me that if he doesn't have a child, that in about 10 years or so, he may regret it. It's important to him now because he has me back. He says he hasn't loved another women as he loves me and therefore wouldn't marry or consider having a child with anyone else.

He's waited a long time for a child. One must wonder what the true reason for that is.

Again, it's important to him WHO he has a child with.

If he truly wanted a child I would have thought he could have had one during the time between your first relationship and now.

Are his reason's too unbelievable?

honestly take a hard look - at the two of you NOW - not as it was. The was is no more - pretend you just met. Could you stay forever if this was the only contact you had??

YES,.. he's the most intelligent, kind, caring, loving man I've ever known.

[/QUOTE]

bepatient38713.6288078704

Well - that's good enough for me!!

Sounds like you are well thought out in this and that's what's important. Go with your heart - as long as the head is along for the ride!

Best wishes and I know you'll do what's right for both of you!!

Cheers!

I'm highly suspicious. All those years went by and no woman was good enough? Sorry, I can't help but question this.

But keep in mind, I don't believe in blind trust. No way, no how. I question everyones motives and I'm glad I do. Saved me from making many a mistake!!!

Auntie,

Maybe I'm just naive.. but what are your suspicions? Why do you think he hasn't had any children or for that matter gotten married? Do you think I'm blindly trusting him?

Wow...You have some seriously hard choices to make.

I'm 46 and I would love to have Grand children some day.

Even if the guy was my soul mate, I think I would consider jumpping off a cliff before having a child at this age.

I can easily slip into fantasy land...white picket fences...Knight in shining armer...but children...dirty diapers, night feedings, teething, Illness, scrapes, breaks, sports, and field trips.....

Good Luck!

[QUOTE Auntie;

But, I am suspicious that he never married in those years and can't help wonder why? I'm suspicious that he is telling you all these pretty things to get what he wants, a legacy - a child. I'm suspicious that he still is pressing you even knowing all the cons.[/QUOTE]

But Antie, what other reason could he have for not getting married? Isn't it possible that he truly never found another woman that he could love the way he loves me? When we broke up he was devistated, he worked hard to get me back. He told me the last time we spoke all those years ago that he would never marry anyone else. Is that really too unbelievable? Does it only happen in the Movies?

What is bad about him wanting to have a child with me if I am the woman he loves?

Please tell me.

I don't feel that he's pressing me, but he does think I'm being somewhat pessimistic about Downs. He understands the risks but he is still optimistic. He made it very clear that if we are told at any point that it would be dangerous for me that we wouldn't do it. He assures me that he would be a very hands on Dad because he doesn't have to work much.

My 22 year old daughter is visiting me now for the Holidays. I just told her all about this. She too is optimistic..if a child is what I want. When the twins and I move to California we will be just about 20 minutes from her. She tells me that if I decide and can have a child that she will also be a big help. She also thinks that since I've always kept myself in such good physical shape that I should be fine with a pregnancy... I know though, it's the egg issue.

Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns! If you have any more, by all means keep them coming! I have a lot of soul searching to do..I'll let you guys know what happens. Thanks again!

bepatient38713.8317824074[QUOTE=bepatient]

Auntie,

Maybe I'm just naive.. but what are your suspicions? Why do you think he hasn't had any children or for that matter gotten married? Do you think I'm blindly trusting him?

[/QUOTE]

I don't know Bepaitent. I'm just the suspicious sort. And keep in mind I can only go by what you tell us and have no way to know what your relationship is really like.

This is just my gut reaction and only you know if he is being honest, considerate, and understanding about this. So if I am way off base, then I'm sorry.

[QUOTE=bepatient]

[QUOTE Auntie;

What is bad about him wanting to have a child with me if I am the woman he loves?

Please tell me.

Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns! If you have any more, by all means keep them coming! I have a lot of soul searching to do..I'll let you guys know what happens. Thanks again!

[/QUOTE]

Bepatient,

I'm not saying it can't happen but is is so unusual. Most people get over "lost loves" and move on. If he truly was pining away for you I just wonder how mentally healthy that was. O.K. That is all I'm saying.

And of course there is nothing wrong with wanting a child with the woman you love and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to fullfill his dreams.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so skeptical but the fact is I am a worry wort. I truly wish you the best of luck.

hey bepatient --- you gotta do what you want but as you wanted input into how others see it, from what you've said, here's how i see it (it's kinda negative so don't read further if you don't want!):

i understand how STRONG the desire can sometimes be in a man to leave a DNA imprint behind somewhere on this earth. and that that when they don't have that, they feel it badly.... so will almost bully to get their way.

and i think children are lovely and can bring great joy - so i am not against it in principle. but originally you said that this guy was going to marry you, for you, regardless of the children issue --- is this still the case? does he not just believe that he can pressure you into it, through guilt, through manipulation, through badgering and you will cave eventually.

auntie is right, in my opinion, i would say that the full-time carer is going to be you - you know it. so i am not saying don't do it --- but i think we all are saying don't fool yourself over certain things for example that

once he has his progeny out there and that strong desire to reproduce wanes that he is necessarily going to stay around when the going gets tough. if he wants to leave he will leave - he won't think "oh, but i asked her and so i can't do this." no. he'll do what he wants. especially if it is a Downs child that, although often absolutely wonderful, can also exhaust you and suddenly you are no longer the biddable, pretty, happy wife but an exhausted, bitter, resentful, worn-out, stressed, snappy person whom he doesn't want to spend time with anymore - when there is a beautiful, unstressed, unwornout soulmate just down the road.

that a Downs child means you will be caring for that child for the rest of your life and having to find some means of care to continue after your death.

that your children, spouse or anyone are going to give you anything more than an occasional weekend break and then expect to be thanked for it (although they previously offered it).

that it means your marriage will last forever because you have made this huge sacrifice. or that you can expect anything back because you 'did this for him'.

none of the above are necessarily reasons for not having the baby - but just be aware of how vulnerable you are making yourself in the worst cast scenario. if you have the child - if he leaves, can you cope?

please just think a little bit of your own self-protection here.

it could all work out to be roses but given his attitude over this whole thing - his whole shifting the responsibility, almost the blame, for his not wanting children in the past with you --- onto you. suddenly it has become your problem. your fault almost. something YOU have to put right. so i don't think he is all that great.... i really don't. if he was saying things along the line of - i really f**ked up and i would love to have a child with you but i totally understand if you don't want to and i can't really expect it of you --- so let's not go there. and you turned around after a year of marriage and said --- you know what? i want us to try for a baby together because i love you so much - i want to do it. then fine.

but he's not. it may be the way you write it but it comes across that he's flat out bullying you.

and i am someone who HATES bullying or blackmail in any form. so i would turn round to him right now and say 'publish and be damned'. or the equivalent that makes sense in this situation.

he is asking an awful lot and it doesn't stop him for one second because it is all about HIM and what he wants. as Glen said, what YOU want doesn't get a look in in his head. that screams selfish. so you just gotta know that there is no way he is going to be getting up in the middle of the night to feed that child or be driving it to ballet, taking it to extra swimming lessons and if you are fine with that - then great. but if you are not, please bepatient, don't fool yourself. don't pretend that he is going to be this wunderparent ---- cos he just ain't. it doesn't matter what he says now --- like a man who wants to get a woman in bed, they will say anything to get that particular desire filled, it has no bearing on reality. just KNOW what you are letting yourself in for - that's all. and THEN make the decision. don't be naive - and really i stand by what i said earlier.

don't make the decision now - give yourselves a year or so to live together. why is that so much to ask? or is the children issue really a deal-breaker on the marriage thing.

i am sure you will be very happy with having another child and will love it like crazy but just make the decision knowing that you are happy to make it - even in the worst case scenario. and if you are not happy then - then don't make that decision. would be the way i see it.

good luck! and i know that sounded all negative and pessimistic and really there is every chance it will be great and wonderful and none of those negative things come into play at ALL. i just want you to consider them in the equation --- i'm sure it will all be alright tho!

hey, and you get to live in California too! that's gotta be a big plus!

having said all that --- i don't want to be unnecessarily negative. i think it's great and life is all about doing things!!!!!! that's for sure.

like countrygirl said if we read all the possible side-effects we'd never take any medication. and if one worries about all the possisble things that might go wrong you end up not doing anything - which is hopeless.

so i don't mean to put you off bepatient - at all!!!! i just thought as you asked - here was the way i saw it - that's all. not a question of don't take it on, but more go in with your eyes a little bit open not blindsided by promises and bullsh*t........ but, an optimistic outlook, probably means an optimistic result.

just don't let yourself be bullied into doing something you don't want (what is this? am i just going round in circles here - or what)? in the end i guess annidagostini got it right - it's only a decision you will be able to make.

it's gonna be great ---- hahahaha if it's a girl you have my permission to call it cj (as if!) lots of luck!

[QUOTE=Auntie]

Bepatient,

I'm not saying it can't happen but is is so unusual. Most people get over "lost loves" and move on. If he truly was pining away for you I just wonder how mentally healthy that was.

[/QUOTE]

Oh Auntie,

Maybe that's why he developed panic disorder and OCD traits a few years after our break-up. We talked about Meds. one day and what I take and he mentioned that he's taken Prozac.

He hasn't had a panic attack in about a year but I've seen his bottle of Xanax (Zanax?) which he has to take on occasion.

OMG that's all I need.. to feel guilty about his mental health over the past 15 years.. Gee thanks Auntie .

We all live and learn.

[QUOTE=chjones]

having said all that --- i don't want to be unnecessarily negative. i think it's great and life is all about doing things!!!!!! that's for sure.

not a question of don't take it on, but more go in with your eyes a little bit open not blindsided by promises and bullsh*t........ but, an optimistic outlook, probably means an optimistic result.

(what is this? am i just going round in circles here - or what)?

[/QUOTE]

Ahh... someone else feels my painful dilemma.."round and round and round we go, where we'll stop? Nobody knows!"

Sometimes you just gotta laugh (or go absolutely nuts!) I promise I won't rush this. Thanks so much you guys!

bepatient38714.5909606482Having NOT read all the posts @ this subject, let me
and my 2$ worth . . . Say you had the Baby at 45,
when she is 10 y/o you'll be 55, when she is 20 y/o
you'll be 65, when she is 25 y/o you'll be 70 Years
Old etc - etc.. That's the biggest reason I can think of
Not To have children at that age . . .

Bepatient,

Have you called the clinic or your OBGYN yet to see if you can have invitro with your own eggs past the age of 45? I'm still waiting to see what the answer to that is. I would advise getting that answer first, before playing the "should I or should I not have his baby" scenario over and over in your head. I think nature and medicine are going to answer your scenario for you. And I think that answer is going to be no. I ask you again, how many women have you met who had a child past the age of 45?

QUOTE=bepatient][QUOTE=Auntie]

Bepatient,

I'm not saying it can't happen but is is so unusual. Most people get over "lost loves" and move on. If he truly was pining away for you I just wonder how mentally healthy that was.

[/QUOTE]

Oh Auntie,

Maybe that's why he developed panic disorder and OCD traits a few years after our break-up. We talked about Meds. one day and what I take and he mentioned that he's taken Prozac.

He hasn't had a panic attack in about a year but I've seen his bottle of Xanax (Zanax?) which he has to take on occasion.

OMG that's all I need.. to feel guilty about his mental health over the past 15 years.. Gee thanks Auntie .

We all live and learn.

[/QUOTE]

Bepatient,

Seriously, your break up did not cause him to get panic attacks or OCD traits so stop entertaining that idea right now!!! (I'm sorry I made you think that) The last thing you need is to feel guilty about anything about your breakup. What ever mental issues he has or had was in his makeup long before you met him.

Right now, you need a clear mind uncluttered of the past baggage in order to make wise decisions for your future.

I agree with Lillian. Why worry about it until you get the facts about your eggs being viable.

QUOTE=bepatient]

Oh Auntie,

Maybe that's why he developed panic disorder and OCD traits a few years after our break-up. We talked about Meds. one day and what I take and he mentioned that he's taken Prozac.

He hasn't had a panic attack in about a year but I've seen his bottle of Xanax (Zanax?) which he has to take on occasion.

OMG that's all I need.. to feel guilty about his mental health over the past 15 years.. Gee thanks Auntie .

We all live and learn.

[/QUOTE]

NONONONO!!! Do NOT think that you had anything to do with 15 years of anxiety. That's plain silly and I wouldn't hear of that!!

As is usual - I have a story that may (hopefully) be appropriate to your situation.

Most everyone who has read my posts here knows I was in an LTR where I was constantly being broke up and reunited with her. Lately I have had the time and clarity to ask a whole lot of questions of myself regarding the whole thing.

I looked over the 13 plus years of it - and began to calculate how much time was with her - and how much was pining for her - waiting for her to return. It was kind of pathetic when I did the math.

The point is I asked myself why did I wait for her? When we met we moved in together and stayed close for 6 months. Then she told me to go. I did. Then I stayed alone for 12 months while she moved in another man - found he was abusive to her and they split up. Then I moved back to her without a second thought. Why??!??

At first I answered that the way I always did. I loved her and only her. We were soulmates. I waited because I knew she was the only one I truly loved. Hah!!

Once I stopped the BS coming out of me I realized the TRUTH. I was too chicken to try another. I was frozen with fear at a moment in time where I convinced myself that it was ok to wait for her - no matter how long. The fact was that if I sat around moping for her - I couldn't risk getting hurt by anyone else. My ADHD and anxiety disorder kept me locked in a place that was both lonely and very unhealthy. It was mere coincidence she came back - if she hadn't I would have stayed in the same bad place until I died. I am convinced of that.

Sounds like your man has a very bad case of anxiety disorder. He has focused over the years on you - as that kept him from risking all on a new adventure in love. Love is scary. Life is scary. The easiest cop-out for one of us with GA disorder is to declare that we are "taken" - and not make the whole leap that could end with fear and sadness.

A normal, well-adjusted man would have mourned the loss of your love for a while. He then would have figured out that it just wasn't meant to be - and moved on to try and find happiness elsewhere. That's how most people do it right? No guilt or trepidation - just get on with the business of living.

I don't have a moral to the story or anything. I'd just like you to really think about the stability and composition of your man. Is he in touch with who he is - or is he avoiding the healing and self-discovery he needs to be a whole person that is required for love to bloom??

Do think on it - as I said there's no moral - just thinking material.

[[/QUOTE]

How do I tell him? How do I not feel responsible for him not having a child of his own?

[/QUOTE]

You tell him honestly and lovingly. ____- I love you. I need you to listen without responding to what I have to say. Then I don't want to discuss this until tomorrow. I'm so happy that we have this 2nd chance to be together, to start anew again. _________, I've considered this more thoroughly than probably any other decision I've ever made because it's that important to me, I believe I know how important it is to you, but I'm sorry. i do not want to have more children. I've tried to convince myself because I wwant so very much to do this for you, but I can't. I love you.

#2: reread your post, look at the facts. It's not your fault. Besides fault is overated. It's not his fault either. He chose not to have children when he wasn't ready - a very good choice. It's still a good choice now that it's you making it. Good luck.

[QUOTE=bepatient]

Knowing the love I feel for my kids, how could I deny that to him if I were able to give it to him?

He denied it to himself many years ago.

The truth is that it's not my fault that he never had a child. For the last 4 years of our 5 year relationship I wanted to marry him and have children with him. He wasn't ready then.

I was suprised when he said now that he wants a child. He just said that he wants one with ME. He said he remembers how I was with my oldest daughter (she was 2 when he and I first started dating) and how much I loved and cared for her.

If I'm truly honest with myself, I think I would regret it if I had another child. I do want time for myself. I do want to persue my dreams. I do want to go somewhere whenever I want without packing up all the baby stuff or having to find a good baby sitter. I do want to keep my body in good shape. I don't want to have another C-section. I don't want to loose sleap, I don't want to change diapers........It is my time. I've had children to take care of for the past 22 years, don't I deserve a break?

As much as I would have loved to have had a child with the love of my life, that time has passed. . It makes me sad but this is the reality.

If you feel this way, then you absolutely should not have another child.

How do I tell him? How do I not feel responsible for him not having a child of his own?

You tell him what you just said in this post. And, again, he is responsible for not having a child of his own, not you.

[/QUOTE] Very well said Fisher.

bepatient, Try and make some lemonade , Remember, the reason you have this dilemma is because you have love in your life.

Sassee, Thanks, I'm good at decisions, especially other peoples',....it's actions that i have difficulty with.

[QUOTE=chicx0r]
But regardless of the medical reasons, I think there is 1 important fact... If you do not want another child at this point in your life, there is your answer. What about what you want, you know?

[/QUOTE]

These are profound words... If I were handed our baby without going through any surgeries and worries about downs, would I want the child? I have to want another child. All of the other concerns are only secondary, after deciding if I really want another child.

I know it sounds like,"duh". But I've been so focused on the feelings of my fiancee. Knowing the love I feel for my kids, how could I deny that to him if I were able to give it to him?

The truth is that it's not my fault that he never had a child. For the last 4 years of our 5 year relationship I wanted to marry him and have children with him. He wasn't ready then.

As much as I would have loved to have had a child with the love of my life, that time has passed. . It makes me sad but this is the reality.

How do I tell him? How do I not feel responsible for him not having a child of his own?

Get a dog.

Just kidding. I agree with the Downs, that is a big risk. What about adoption? There are alot of children out there that need good homes. Also to consider is if you are taking meds, I don't know if you'll need to stop or not. What affect it might have on your child. etc. It's certainly a very tough decision to make. If he is ok with not having children I personally would not have them. I know when you love someone you want to give them everything, but we all have to make sacrafices for love. Though this is a big one, he really needs to understand the risks to you, the baby, and that your life is finally on track. And even though your children are all older, he needs to consider their feelings as well.

After writing my post, I began to wonder if there were statistics showing an increase in miscarriages per woman's age, when using invitro. I found the following:

http://www.advancedfertility.com/age.htm

I don't want to be the promoter of doom, but I do think this is something to consider when considering a pregnancy in your late forties. According to this research, the chance of miscarriage is 50% when a woman has invitro using her own eggs and is over the age of 45. The rates are much lower when a woman uses donor eggs from a younger woman. Hey, that's a possibility! Invitro with donor eggs. Hmmmm....I wonder how many Hollywood women are doing this?

lillian38706.3259143519

Here are the Downs' statistics. These are why I would not even attempt a pregnancy without having a serious discussion with your boyfriend about this possibility:

http://www.ds-health.com/risk.htm

Wow, I don't think anyone is going to be able to make this decision but you, dear.

I am remarried. I have 5 of my own kids and my new hubby has 6 kids. They are mostly grown. We have one of his home and four of mine home, soon to be three of mine home.

I have thought about it a lot, how it would have been to have a child with the love of my life now. But I am almost as old as you and I have had to have a hysterectomy, so there is not way I can. I guess that makes the decision for me.

I do know that at this stage in life, a baby would be incredibly difficult to raise for me. I have to work to help support us after two divorces and a remarriage and so many kids, we need the funds. I would want to stay home with a baby, so I am glad I don't have to make that decision.

On the other hand, I love babies and children and it would have been such a blessing to have a little one to call our own.

As it is, we are happy. I think you can be happy either way.

Let us know what you decide. I'll say a prayer for you! :)

oh bepatient....

give him a couple of weeks with your thirteen year old twins and i'm sure he'll go off the idea quickly!!!

that was just a bad joke! sorry bepatient.

i don't know - i wouldn't rush into anything right now but it is up to you of course. either way i am sure you will be happy, i know there is a biological time pressure but nonetheless i would imagine you also want some time to be together on your own.

perhaps you could suggest that you could revisit the question one year into your marriage or something when you have a clearer idea of the whole thing. lots of luck i am glad you have got together with your sole mate - and happy wedding and all that too!

Bepatient,

Hey! Being a woman of the same age, I agree, this is a huge question. Only you can make the decision. Here's some thoughts, though:

Honestly, how many women our age do you know who have had children? Now, I'm not talking about Hollywood actresses and senator's wives. How many do you personally know? However, Hollywood is full of women in their late forties having children. Why? Invitro. And it costs about ,000, whether it works or not. What these women don't tell you is how often it did not work before it finally did, and how often they miscarried when it did work. Getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term in your late forties, which is how old you will be when the baby is born, is not an easy feat. It can be done, but it often takes some fancy medical science to pull it off.

To answer my own question, I only know two women who had children in their late forties. My cousin's wife had a child at forty-six, and a woman I met recently at a Special Education conference had a child at forty-seven. Neither of the women planned the pregnancies. Both the children were menopause babies, and both the children have Downs Syndrome. Another reality. The chances of having a child with Downs increases yearly with a woman's age, and by the time you are in your late forties, the statistics are very high. Look up these statistics on the internet, sometime. It's shocking how high the stats are. I want to say it's like 1:20, but I could be wrong. Both the women I mentioned who have children with Downs, knew about the Downs before the children were born, chose to have the children anyway, and are content being older moms of special needs' children. Still, it's a reality women our age must face when making the decision you are making and something your boyfriend and you need to discuss, before even attempting a pregnancy.

Having said all of the above, it is possible that you could get pregnant without invitro, carry the child to term, and have a child without Downs. It can happen, I guess, though I've never met anyone to whom it has happened. If it does, you will be in the situation you discussed, and I don't see any major problems with that scenario. Your boyfriend wants desperately to have children, so I imagine he will be a hands-on dad and very helpful. You also have older children, who could help out. Having these people in your life will make attending school and working outside the home much easier.

So, those are my thoughts. Good luck with your decision. I know it's not an easy one.

lillian38706.4078472222

This is huge. . I have seen the wisdom of you all on this board and I really could use some sound advise, please.

I will try to get to the point as quickly as possible (I understand).

I recently was reunited with a man I was engaged to be married to 15 years ago. We were together back then for a total of 5 years.

Anyway we are very much in love. He is my soul mate and I am his. We will be getting married in June.

This is it...He has never been married and has no children..He wants us to have a baby..me to have a baby. OMG...I'm 44. I have a 22 year old daughter and 13 year old twins.

I had my tubes tied 13 years ago. The Dr. at the time told me it was reversable but that's only part of the problem.. I was DONE having children. D.O.N. E. done. I'm going to school. I finally found something I'm passionate about doing. I want to teach special edu. I'm over half way there in my education. Also to graduate from college would be a dream come true for me. I never thought it would be possible for me untill I finally got the ADHD dx at age 40!

On the other hand I would do anything for this man. I love him with all my heart and I don't want to deny him of something so precious. I love kids and I would love to have his child.. but now? I wanted to marry him 15 years ago and have children with him but he kept dragging his feet; I saw it as a red flag, thought I wasn't truy the one for him and broke it off. He tells me now he just didn't feel secure enough in his new job and he wasn't ready for children then. So I ended up with someone else.

He still wants to marry me if I choose not to have another child but I don't want to hurt him or disappoint him in any way.

I am so incredibly torn. I truly am stuck...Any serious advise would be so apreciated!

O.K. I'm going to be really frank but here goes:

I had a very brief marriage when I was a teenager, got a divorce, and did not marry again for almost twenty years. During those twenty years, I worked many menial jobs to make ends meet, and I often worked two jobs to make ends meet. I lived in a 350 sq. ft. garage apartment without air condition in Alabama so that I could afford to put myself through school, which I started when I was twenty-five. I worked as a bartender and a waitress and paid my way through college. I then began teaching and the starting pay was so bad and my student loan payments were so high that I worked as a restaurant manager on the weekends, so I could afford to continue teaching. Then I met my husband in my late thirties. When I met my husband, I was driving an economy car without air condition (in Texas) or a radio. I had one TV, which was a black and white, countertop TV with four channels. The only reason I had a phone was because my father worried about my living in Texas by myself, and I agreed to get a phone to appease him. I was as far from materialistic, as a girl can be. And the man I met, who would become my husband, was well off.

We have been married now for seven years. For the first three years, I continued to work outside the home. After we started the process of adopting our son, I quit working outside the home, but I studied for my Masters degree, nonetheless, not knowing whether or not I would ever return to working outside the home. Why?

First, because I lived on my own and supported myself, without one dime's worth of help from anyone, until I was in my late thirties, and I am determined that no matter where life leads me, I will be able to take care of myself financially. I will NEVER be dependent upon a man to meet my financial needs. If my husband turns around and walks out the door, I can find a job making enough money to support my son and myself the next day.

Second, because my interests are my interests, and they will remain so, married or not. I love my husband, but I have a life and interests separate from him. I live in an upscale neighborhood north of Houston, and there are many women out here who do not work outside the home and whose whole lives revolve around their families' lives, and a lot of these women are on antidepressants and drink too much. On my street alone, four women have been through rehab since we moved here four years ago. When you give up your identity to your family, you risk becoming lost and waking up and asking yourself where and who you are.

You are a forty-four-year-old woman, and if this man is trying to entice you into marriage and a new baby with the idea that you are not going to have to work, and you will be together all the time, living lives totally wrapped up in each other, then I would seriously rethink your relationship. You are not a kid, anymore, and you cannot be expected to have the love affair of someone in her twenties. You are a grown woman, who has lived half her life without this man. No matter how much he fulfills you emotionally, you had a full life before him and that life should continue.

lillian38715.4285416667[QUOTE=GlenW]

Sounds like your man has a very bad case of anxiety disorder. He has focused over the years on you - as that kept him from risking all on a new adventure in love.

Is he in touch with who he is - or is he avoiding the healing and self-discovery he needs to be a whole person that is required for love to bloom??

[/QUOTE]

You know Glen, when we first started communicating again, it was by e-mail for several weeks. We went over with a fine tooth comb the details of our break-up. He admitted he still struggles with certain aspects of it. He obviously haden't healed. We have seen each other in person for almost 4 months. Although it is a long distance relationship (a little over an hour by plane). We've been able to see each other only once every two weeks or once a week. I just see him for a day. Fly to L.A. in the morning and then fly home in the early evening. He's come to where I live twice, just for a day at a time. It totally sucks (sorry). It needs to be that way now because of my girls and because I was in school.

Anyway, over these few months he seems much better as far as feeling so hurt over the break-up. I told him a few months ago that we may need to get some counseling if he keeps struggling with our past. He believes time together will heal it all. We haven't talked about the break-up for a couple of months. I believe it is clearing up.

You're right, that is really intense after 15 years.

I'm flying to California tomorrow morning with all 3 of my girls. We're going to spend 2 day together before my man meets up with us on the 31st. It will be the first time the twins will meet him. I'm so excited!

I'm sure we'll talk more about the baby issue..I'll keep you all posted.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!

[QUOTE=Auntie]

Bepatient,

[/QUOTE]

Thanks Auntie, I really needed to hear that.

ok bepatient. i am gonna be outright honest here - i have been poncing around being far too wishy-washy for far too long. if you don't finish that damn degree i am going to come and beat you on the head myself!!!!!!!!!! ok.oh and happy new year!

lillian wrote:

You are a forty-four-year-old woman, and for you to stop pursuing your interests and to believe you no longer have to worry about taking care of yourself financially is not a good idea, in my opinion. And if this man is asking you to or trying to entice you into marriage with the idea that you are not going to have to work, and the two of you will be together all the time and live lives totally wrapped up in each other, then I would seriously rethink your relationship.

I agree with a lot of what lillian has said. I would also like to add, I would be concerned about making such a connection with a man who has said he thought being together would help the "healing". I am not sugesting you run as fast as you can in the other direction, but, despite the reasons behind his need to heal, I would not want to be the proposed antidote...(and a baby to really "heal" everything....)

Bepatient,

I just have to say this because, like everyone else, the more you say the more concerned I become and I can tell you are a good, trusting, wonderful person and I want you to be confident about every thing you do for your future.

First, I want to say that my own nephew met his now wife (w/three kids) on the internet and barely got to know one another, married quickly and they will celebrate their 6th anniversary. So I'm not saying that finding your soul mate can't happen long distance. But I'm sorry, red flags are popping up everywhere concerning this guy.

I just have to lay it out on the line and you can think I'm mean and cruel but these things just have to be said for you to consider.

You have a guy who, for 15 years pined away for you. I know that sounds so romantic and may even seem flattering to you but from my perspective you know I am seeing red flags! This is not a mentally healthy guy. And we know he is on medication for this. So I'm thinking this guy has been obsessed with what "could have been" and now his fantasy is coming true. So what in 15 years did he fantasize about? That is very worrisome to me.

So, you have emailed each other a lot but only seen each other in person about 10 times (I'm guessing by what you said) and only for a day at a time? Anyone can be on their best behavior for a day. Please keep that in mind.

I pray, once you decide to move to CA(?) you do not move in with him (for your kids sake & yours). I suggest you continue dating but the key here is to also go off and do your own thing without him and watch carefully how he reacts to you being a seperate person from him. If you see signs of jealosy, anger, hurt feelings, or just pensive silent treatment run for the hills and don't fall for the line "I just don't want you to go anywhere without me because I love you so much I want to be with you every minute." These are RED FLAGS!

Bepatient, be very careful. Don't rush into anything to quickly. You really need to get to know this guy before you consider marriage or a child. Please.

[QUOTE=lillian]

Bepatient,

[/QUOTE]

I haven't yet lillian but I will asap.. It was kinda like , "which comes first, the egg or the chicken?" ..Which question should I answer first; Want a baby or can I even have one? KWIM?

At this point I would love nature and medicine to answer all of this for me!