Venting

For those who don't know, my son has a lot of food sensitivities. There are a number of foods he can't have because they trigger his negative behaviours. One item in particular is dairy: especially milk. He's been drinking rice milk for over a year now.

Yesterday, a new daycare worker accidentally gave him a glass of milk. When I picked him up he appeared to be hyper just by looking at him. Another daycare worker explained to me what happened. I asked her why no one explained to her about his food sensitivities and she claimed that the woman just didn't read the communication book. I was given no apologies. My son had a terrible melt down on our way home - hitting me continually; screaming; name-calling; kicking; running off.. This is what happens when he eats/drinks foods he's sensitive towards. I'm sooooo angry because he's been doing so well lately and being that its so close to Christmas, I was hoping for a calmer holiday. His behaviour now can last up to a week.

This morning I informed the woman (responsible) that I had packed some rice milk in case they were having cereal for snack. She said, "Ok." Nothing more. No apologies. I even told her 2 days ago to give him dry cereal because he can't have milk and I didn't bring any rice milk. You'd think she would of remembered.  

When I picked him up today, he had a difficult time throughout the day - not following instructions; carelessness (he even fell off the table he was 'standing' on); his "I don't care" attitude.. I spoke with his worker about it again tonight and again, no apologies. What she DID say was that she had informed her boss about this and her boss wants to talk with me about setting up a diet plan. We already HAVE a plan and they're suppose to COMMUNICATE that with EVERYONE that works there. I can't do much more on my end. They just need to follow it as they have been.

When I speak with her boss, I better get an apology. What's the deal? They inform the entire building when a child has a peanut allergy (which is great) but what about my son's needs? You don't assume that the new person is going to read the communciation book. You make sure she's aware of the book so she can be updated on the details. I think everyone was careless in the care of my child and I'm having to deal with the consequences of his behaviours.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR........

Thank you Barb and Auntie. It's funny because just the other day the staff informed me that all daycare groups are going to be having lunch together this coming Friday. "Please don't bring any peanut products" as they have a peanut allergy in one of the groups. Great .. now what are you doing about my son??

I guess I'm mad because these are the same people that have made me feel like an inadequate mother - heck all single mothers are, aren't we? grrr.. When I started this whole process of ellimination they were not supportive AT ALL. They might as well rolled their eyes in front of me because they sure did it behind my back.

At one point I was even questioned about his "daily nutritional value".. The staff kept making derogatory comments about his foods: "He can't have this?? Or that??" Nice. I ended up having to speak with the head person and she was just the same. "Daily nutritional value .. blah blah blah" .. Finally I told her look, how can you base what my son's daily nutritional values are simply by viewing 2 snack times per day?? You don't know what he eats for breakfast, you don't know what he eats for dinner, and by the time he starts kindergarten, you're not even going to know what he eats for lunch! Also, for me to ask you not to give him hot dogs, instant noodles, ice cream snacks, ketchups .. where's the nutritional value in that?? I was polite but I was peeved. Long story short, they've adjusted their menus twice and have taken those items out. I'm pretty pleased and they haven't bothered me again about his foods.

I know this is a long rant but this has been going on for almost 2 years. Enough is enough. If they don't know how to deal with his behaviours, they turn to me looking for answers. I've given them so many strategies, they were pouring out of their ears .. still not enough. I figured out about this diet - they saw some major improvements but then they had issues about nutrition?? Give me a break. He eats the healthiest in that bunch.

Sorry I'll stop now.

Thanks for your support.

Have you looked for daycare more in tune with your beliefs?  I'm sure if you shop around you can find a director who is much more sensitive and caring.

And on the way out file a complaint with your state licensing board.  Make them come in for an inspection.

hawks[QUOTE]Have you looked for daycare more in tune with your beliefs?  I'm sure if you shop around you can find a director who is much more sensitive and caring. [/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, that's not an option. Not only are there long waiting lists to get into ANY after school care but there's no guarantee that they run their programs better. My only beef with this center is with their lack of communication among themselves. Everything else from the past has been resolved.  Secondly, my son has difficulties adjusting to change so changing centers may cause him more harm than any good.

lillian[QUOTE] Have you checked into Waldorf? [/QUOTE]

I've never heard of this. I live in Canada so I'm not sure if this is American based?

orgram [QUOTE] Second, don't be offended, but I have to call it like i see it.  If my son hit me, called me names and kicked me, that would raise a HUGE red flag.  Am I the only person that sees there is a deeper problem here? [/QUOTE]

I'm not offended at all. It's a valid question and one I would of asked myself. Unfortunately, I used to have the belief that spanking was ok. My grandparents did it; my parents did it; my sisters did it .. I did too. Well, for me, it only taught my son that it's ok to hit. I've only limited to a wallup in the bum or on the hand - nothing more. Even that has been uneffective. I don't spank him anymore and I haven't for a while.

As for his hitting tendencies, he ONLY hits me when he's eaten something he's sensitive towards. This is because he loses his self-control, gets so wound up with the moment he doesn't know how to get himself out of it. You can visually see him spin out of control and there's very little you can do once he's in 'the red'. The trick is teaching the tools before hand on what he can do when he's in the red and hope that he can apply it when he is. He's only 5 and he has a lot to learn yet with this. He's just so impulsive it's very difficult for him. He acts on his emotions and they snowball into something worse than it really is.

ogram [QUOTE] Just remember, one day he will be 16.  If he hits you at that age you could get seriously hurt. [/QUOTE]

That's the scariest part. My mother tells me this all the time. This is my greatest worry that he won't be able to handle his anger more productively. Thanks Hawks for your words of encouragement. I'm hoping my son will 'grow out' of this too.

ogram [QUOTE] Violent behaviors usually are more than just a reaction or allergy to a food. [/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, foods are what is triggering his violent behaviours. Even his daycare providers and my family have said the same.  They've all seen him with and without these foods and their differences. Obviously the other issue is him not learning how to cope with his anger and this is something that we're working on. Wish us luck.

No, Waldorf began in Germany, and I believe it still is more common in Europe than in the States.  Check out:

www.waldorf.ca

I'm not sure if that link will work, but if you type in "Waldorf schools in Canada," the website will come up. 

So I spoke with the boss today regarding the Diet Plan. (sigh) She basically told me that they won't be providing any of their foods to him and I am to continue in bringing him extra foods. I agreed.

What got me upset is that she and HER boss and agreed to do this a while ago and failed to inform me. Unfortunately, their staff weren't clear and were all doing their own thing anyway. One was following the menu I provided her (which is great) while the others .. I have no idea. This boss I spoke with also told me that everyone has been confused as to what he CAN have and when. Isn't it interesting I find this all out AFTER he's given an item he's sensitive to? This was a careless mistake if you ask me. I've given them a detailed write-up on their daily menu of what he CAN have - with the exceptions of holiday treats (birthday cakes, halloween treats..) I was told they understood.

Also, I mentioned that if there was a life and death situation, EVERYONE would be on board, ensuring the safety of that child. However, because my son's situation is NOT life and death situation, no seems to be communicating. This has happened to us so many times. She tried to defend herself that with a life and death situation, the doctor releases a form stating the removal of a particular item and the consequences it may have. That's great. What's the difference?? None. Point is, doctor's word or parent's word, they ALL NEED TO COMMUNICATE with each other.

I finally got the apology - after - I made an issue with it. I said that we are all humans and we all make mistakes and an apology would of gone a long way. I was surprised that none of the 3 people I spoke with said nothing. Then I got a pathetic "Sorry" ... give me a break. (I'm still mad).

I'm tempted to talk with HER boss but it's almost pointless as she's as narrowminded with this as well. Apparently it was her decision to not provide my son with any of their foods, and failed to notify me. Either on purpose or maybe she forgot?? What's up with that?? We have a few more months left at this site and then he graduates. I CAN NOT WAIT.

Sorry for my rant.

My son had a terrible melt down on our way home - hitting me continually; screaming; name-calling; kicking; running off.. This is what happens when he eats/drinks foods he's sensitive towards. I'm sooooo angry because he's been doing so well lately and being that its so close to Christmas, I was hoping for a calmer holiday. His behavior now can last up to a week. [/QUOTE]

ok, first i want to say, the daycare should not go against your wishes. Period.  I would look for a different one. 

Second, don't be offended, but I have to call it like i see it.  If my son hit me, called me names and kicked me, that would raise a HUGE red flag.  Am I the only person that sees there is a deeper problem here?  My son would never do that, he would be too afraid of the consequences.  Just a reaction to milk causing this behavior is very hard to believe.  Are you sure that there is not a higher level of issue here?  Violent behaviors usually are more than just a reaction or allergy to a food.  I don't want to you think I am being mean, that's not my intention at all.  I just don't tell people what they want to hear.  I am honest and adhd/add generally do not have violent attacks like this.  I would suggest you go to a pediatric neuro to get a better diagnosis.  Just to make sure that nothing is overlooked.  You are a good mother and obviously love your son a great deal.  Just remember, one day he will be 16.  If he hits you at that age you could get seriously hurt.

(If my son even thought of hitting me, I'd give him a REAL good reason not to.  lol)