Not Sure About My 2yr Old Son’s Behavior! | ADHD Information

Just a side note from someone on their third generation of kids...

My sister was the wife of the Chief of the Boat on a Navy base so she was supposed to be the one all the other wives looked to for advise and support. One day a wife called her and said her 2 year old would not mind her and kept getting out of the house. When she'd chase him, he'd run across the street, laughing at the fun game. My sister told her to spank the child. The wife said, "Oh no! I don't want to teach him violence!" My sister said, "Please tell me what's more violent than a baby being hit by a car!?" Two months later the child died under a car. Spanking or not spanking was no longer an issue that mother had to worry about. And I couldn't feel sorry for her; she knew the child was at great risk and she let her emotions and her ideologies kill him. I'm sure she changed her mind about spanking but it won't help that child.

Your job is to keep them alive since nothing you ever teach them will matter if they're dead. When my 18 year old nephew died on a motorcycle someone said it was a great lesson about helmets but it wasn't a lesson that would do him any good. The lesson should have come before that day. I will always know I could have made him wear a helmet but I didn't do it. I had always been able to fix the kids, broken bones, cuts, whatever. I've done CPR on infants and re-started their breathing and I thought I'd done it all and I was always able to fix them, so I wasn't scared enough to go through the fight that would have made him wear one, but when I did CPR on him and he died anway, it was like it was burned into my mind that there are times when you've given up the last chance you'll ever have. You can't fix them, you have to be there before it happens. That's what spanking is, as well as all of the other safety precautions you take, it's taking what may be the last chance you ever have. You have to keep them alive and in order to do that they must mind you. If you lose one anyway you should be able to say, "I did everything I knew to do".

I tell this 3rd generation that they will mind me immediately because they could be running into a street or off a cliff when I yell stop. They could be about to fall off of something, eat something deadly, whatever. I have one tone of voice that means do what I said and do it now. They call it the "spanking voice". I've seen too many children badly hurt because they did not instantly react to their protector's voice.

If he won't mind his only true protector then he's defenseless.

Never spank if you don't feel like you're totally in control of yourself.

The cart thing sounds like an irrational fear. A story I already told here but that might help: When my son was 2 he stopped eating. He even had the doctor worried enough to run a battery of tests. Weight loss was severe. When his own son wouldn't eat 25 years later I reminded him that he did it too at that age and he said, "I remember that! I thought that food went into your feet, then up your legs, when it got to your neck you were filled up and could never eat again. I was scared to death of getting full!" That poor baby would have food in front of him and be hungry and be afraid to eat and I never knew it. My granddaughter got on one of the trains at the zoo and she kept standing up and I said, "Chelsea, if you don't sit down they're going to throw you off the train!" The next time we went to the zoo she refused to ride the train. I didn't even remember telling her that but when I finally got her to explain why she was suddenly afraid of the train she said, "I don't want them to throw me out all by myself." She thought I'd meant that they would literally pick her up and throw her from the moving train into the bushes all alone. Your child sounds like there's a story behind the cart thing. Unless you can get it out of him now he'll tell you about it when he's 30 (you can tell if it's a tantrum or a true fear by how fast his heart rate speeds up).

The last of my kids/grandkids just moved away. I've raised so many children that I can walk into a store and someone will say, "Hey Mom" and I won't know who they are. Now they're gone. I've been asking myself what I can do with all of the experience. Like how many people know that it's hard to take Tylenol with an Icee? That tootsie rolls do melt in a hot car? That pennies just turn when you try to get them out of little throats? That if you make a two year old eat you will probably wear it? So I've decided to use the experience on boards like this and tell true stories to try to lift the spirits of, and help, other parents. Might as well make use of 45 years of experience. Trust me---try spanking. He's asking for the borders so he can tell where his world is.

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I think you would make a great foster parent for hard to place, older children. Think about it.

Thanks for reading.

Let me start from the beginning. My pregnancy was hell and I was miserable. When I found out that I was pregnant I had this misconception that the second time around was going to be much easier than the first since I was an already experienced mother. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, September 27, 2001. Right from the beginning there was a problem after delivery. My son was taken to the step-down nursery for a very low apgar score. I think the ingested fluid on his way out after a dreadful c-section. Even the c-section was worse the second time round. After coming home all he did was cry and for months he was a very high maintenance child that just freaking screamed his bloody head off 24/7. I will put it to you like this; it was so nerve racking that I begged my Dr. to let me go back to work only after 4 weeks. The doctor was not happy with my decision but granted is permission and off to Work I went; my son was only four weeks old. My poor mother took on the task of watching my son during the day. I would call the PED and he would tell me that babies cry most of the day and it was perfectly normal. My son had a problem with projectile vomiting for no reason and we changed his milk and changed is milk and changed his milk. Finally after staying sick for a year, being hospitalized twice for two un-explained viruses, throwing-up and crying all the time we changed to a lactose free milk and that eased some of the previous hell we had been through. Oh, I forgot to mention that he has never ever to this day slept all night. My son is almost three and he now gets up and shakes me, so that I will get up and fill his cup with milk. My son, like I said, is almost three and he has the worst attitude of any one two-year old I have ever seen. His ability to communicate is terrible and his speech is delayed compared to other two-year olds that I have seen. I can't take him anywhere and when I have to it's completely exhausting. He is determined that he will not go in a buggy and if I let him walk, he hides from me, wonders off, runs through the store, knocks things over. If I put him in a buggy, he throws violent temper tantrums to the point that I'm afraid that he will fall out of the buggy onto his head. I always have to make a choice and depending on my mood and what I feel like tolerating, I usually put him in the buggy and hold his arm until he calms down but even after he calms down he screams and cries all the way through the store until I am finished what I'm doing and leave. I figured that he would out grow this but he does this every time I go anywhere. At one time, when I would go to my mother's house and my son did not want to go, he would scream and cry with tantrums and my family would get so upset, you could tell they were wishing that I would just leave. My sister hated to see me come and would leave as I was coming in dragging my screaming two-year old behind me. This made me feel very sad and I felt like I had to deal with this all on my own. I do not have any friends and I don't visit family much. At home, my son is the most content and more manageable but he still has issues like tantrums when I tell him is stop doing things that are harmful or just something he's not suppose to be doing. My son is to the point where he is screaming the word no at me, spitting on me, and throwing things at me and trying to hit me. It wasn't a month ago that we were in public and I had a doctor's appt., my mother took my son over to the kids? science museum while I went to my appt. After the appt., I went in to get my son and of course I had to drag him out, people were looking at me as if I had done something to him. I kept my cool and tried reasoning with him in his state of rage since we had such an audience and when I tried to buckle him into the stroller all hell broke loose and he turned the stroller over, I casually picked him and the stroller back up, bent down to try and talk to him and he slapped me so hard in the face that I had a hand print. I had to walk away and my mother took over; my son screamed and throwed a fit for 30 full minutes after that. I have read parent books, I don't spank him, and nothing seems to work for long periods of time. I have tried time-out, the corner, going to bed and counting. Some of these that I have listed have worked at some point but he tends to ignore me after a while. Another weird thing is that he will not have anything to do with other adults except for dad, mom, sisters, and only one grandmother (which is my mother). He will not have anything to do with me when his older sister is around. He wants his sister to help him do things that I should be doing as his mother. I just don't understand what on earth could be wrong. I have a ten year old ADHD daughter and she is totally different and never acted the way my son is acting at two or any age for that matter. I want to know if anyone has children that acted like this and what did you do about it. His doctor seems to think that is defiant behavior is completely normal. I am not sure what is normal and what is not since people tell me all the time that behavior is part of being a boy. If that is the case then I want all girls......LOL..... Just kidding. I am a wonderful mother and I don't spoil my children I just try to give the love and guidance they need to grow up and be happy productive human beings and I guess I am not sure how to handle extreme behavior in such a young child.

AM I ALONE??????????????

Davinduck

You are definately not alone. Although I had no troubles with my son until he started his second year, I can totally relate to you. I know the feeling of having a child throw themselves on the floor and screaming until the cows come home. I remember my son lying on his back, in the snow, on the sidewalk at age 2, refusing to budge. That was the day I decided I was not playing his game anymore.

I just said "O.K. you stay there and I am willing to wait until you are ready to leave. We must have stayed there 10 minutes, and then he realized it was cold, his hat was wet and mommy was not coming to struggle to pick him up. What I have learned with my son (even now he is 5) is that he loves my reactions. He loves to see me jump when he screams, or get angry and contorted when he is defiant. Well I dunno' if love is the right word, but he feeds on mine and my daughter's reactions.

So the key with us to to try..(see I use the word try) not to react to his antics. Just today he tried to make a point of "not coming" to the grocery store. He pulled a huge fit, told me he was staying home and just sat on the edge of the sidewalk. I just left with my daughter and walked so very slowly making sure not to pay attention to him. When he saw that he was not getting a reaction, he decided he was coming... funny eh? Just like that.

Now.. I don't pull this off every day mind you. There are days when I am tired and burnt out and cannot always keep it together. Its been a daily struggle. I know I have to take care of me so I can try to remain on top of things. This means taking breaks, hiring a sitter and spending some quality time doing the things I love..

Anyhow.. Just know that you have friends here... and no.. you are not alone!

Take care

Blossom

Davinduck27,

I knew my son was different when he was 2 years old, just like you do. I found a number of experts (neurodevelopmental doctors, pediatrician, etc) who refuse to diagnose my son or take me seriously because of his age. After all he was a terrible two and a boy!!! When he was 3 1/2 and the behavior did not improve, I finally got a diagnosis. He is now 4 years old, diagnosed as a child with ADHD and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).

I would strongly recommend not just a pediatrician, but a developmental pediatrician. For my first appointment, I wrote a "parent�s observation" of my son's behavior and took all documentation I had that documented his problem or could offer a clue to his behavior, such as teacher's notes, parent-teacher conference reports, babysitter's comments, and complete medical history and medical records.

My son's symptoms was very different than yours. His behavior fits the classic ADHD diagnosis with marked hyperactivity, impulsivity, and innatention. I did not have problems with tandrums or defiant behavior. But I do have a friend with an autistic son whose behavior is somewhat like your son. So, you definately need to have your son evaluated by a professional. I believe it is better to have a diagnosis sooner than later so you can start with interventions that will target the problems.

I would also suggest you post on the � Parents of ADHD Children Message Board� . I believe there is more exposure to this type of message on that forum and that you would get more feedback from other parents there.

All the best to you and your family!