Struggles at work / social relationship | ADHD Information

OH!  I thought you said Snuggle at work/Social Relationship.
I thought we were going in a different direction.  Sorry - however, much of what I read of Piper's list - was right on target, especially the one about missing details.

ytram, if i had any advice, i'd try to follow it myself.

people are very stressful to me too. i don't work in corporate america, mostly b/c i'm sure i wouldn't last.

the way i challenge people, the moods i suffer, the distinctly unique way i get anything done, all are evidence to me that almost no job is suitable for me.

socially, i suffer greatly. it's new years eve, and rather than partying with others, as i'm sure i could, i have chosen to stay alone. i woke up with bad thoughts, which soon turned to an anxiety attack. haven't been able to leave the house today.

where the anxiety and depression come from, i'm not sure. i do think they have their origins in years of untreated adhd, along with my upbringing.

struggling with social situations is me too. even my closest friends don't get me, and their patience wanes, esp. when i retreat b/c of the mood stuff.

keeping up with the posts on this site, and reading about adhd in general has helped to at least understand a little bit, and blame myself less for my self-destructive quirks.

i still have lots to fix.

i do know where you are coming from. though your occupation is far different, your problems are not.

this is the only group i know of where i can come to discuss and share this stuff.

it's not only better than nothing, it's better than most somethings. the denizens of this site are good folks with much compassion and much in common.

you are not alone.

excellent list piper.

i do many of those things too, and hadn't really realised it.

eye contact- i think i avoid it b/c i'm often, or at least i often feel, confrontational.

i either lack assertion in my voice, or am too assertive.

often too negative- i feel free to talk when i need to criticise, which unfortunately is far too often.

have a hard time relating unless i'm talking about myself, interjecting myself into conversation,. somehow feel i have to be in the conversation for it to keep my interest.

i swear people think i'm a snob b/c of all these things, and that i do not remember names. in fact, if i know you from somewhere, and run into you in another environment, i probably won't even recognise you, even if you stop me to talk! in fact, i don't even recognise my closest friends when i pass them on the road!

so, i have gone in 5 mins. from no new yrs. resolutions to a big multi-part one.

i have thought about posting these things i need to work on/be aware of/ do on the wall in a large format to catch my attention and impact my consciousness. you know, big post-its. everywhere. i fear i would quickly run out of wall space!

p.s.- i have made some changes to my display in order to read more easily. small print is too hard on my eyes these days. pls. let me know if i am posting in huge letters, thus looking as if i'm shouting.

thanks for the tips.

 

Hi-

I can really relate to what you say about people thinking you are weird but
you yourself not knowing what you do to cause that.

In the last few years I've been figuring out some things that I do that
cause problems. I'll pass them along in case they might help you out.

Although some of them sound very noticeable, I didn't have any
conscious awareness that I was doing them until quite recently. I still
don't- I just try to pro-actively do the opposite now and that seems to
help.

The things I tend to do:

-Avoid eye-contact- look down, away from people, stare at the floor.

-Mumble a lot. Talk almost under my breath when I am talking to people.

-Conversely, at times talk extremely forcefully or stridently, in a loud
voice

-Speak in a self-conscious fashion, or in a dramatic, over the top fashion

-Slouch and have noticeably atypical physical mannerisms

-Complain a lot when I talk. Have a negative outlook and speak negatively
about most things.

-Talk about self all the time.

-Stop listening to people half way through their conversations, miss
details, not remember details.

-Never use people's names, don't try to remember people's names.


If you imagine me doing all of these things, all the time, it is somewhat
understandable why people might be a bit put off.

Now I try to:

-Make eye-contact with people, genuinely look at them when I am
interacting with them. This is difficult for me, but very important.

-Speak words carefully and deliberately, in a clear voice.

-Speak simply, without drama.

-Stand up straight. Adopt socially acceptable mannerisms. Not squirm.

-Say positive things or don't say anything. Find positive or neutral things
to say.

-Focus the conversation on the other person.

-Try to focus on details. If I start to lose focus, add something to the
conversation myself. After conversation, write down or repeat to self
important details.

-Make a big effort to find out and remember names. If I miss the name at
the beginning of the conversation, ask for it again at the end. If I don't
get the name, find out asap from someone else. Write it down somewhere
asap.

I find a lot of these things hard to do, but just trying to do them has
made a difference.

With some of these things, I just couldn't believe they could be that
important. It turns out that eye-contact and using people's names are
extremely important though. Possibly the most important, in my
experience.

Just some food for thought. It's really hard though, I agree. I only figured
out I was doing these problematic things after trying really hard to clue
in, over a period of several years. Especially at work, people won't tell you
about off putting habits- most of them will just get turned off and go talk
to someone else.

 

Piper -

I really like what you did - figured out the issues and empowered yourself to change so that you could have more of what you actually want.  So much of the time, I have found myself trying to figure out why others don't change or wondering why the situation isn't different (why it is not the way it SHOULD be) - that's just depressing. 

It's New Years.  I think I'm going to try to do what you did for myself. 

Thanks.

Hey TheDog-

Thanks to you too! It's really nice to get positive feedback .

Hi all,

I'm not sure where to start with my question at this point, but I'll give you some background. I'm 40 years old, married for 15 years with two children, and I work in corporate America making what I'm sure most would think would be a respectable(but not outlandish) salary. I've never been formally diagnosed with ADHD but if I don't have ADHD then the moon is purple. My mother told me that her and my father knew that "something was wrong with me" by the time I was 3 years old, I was on med until I was in my mid-teens, and my impulsive hyperactivity absolutely ensured that I had no friends in school. I was not mean or mischievious, I was just "very weird."

Well the pattern continues. I really struggle at work with social relationships, which creates a huge amount of stress for me, and fear that I will not last in my job. Despite having struggled with making any sort of friendship or gaining anyone's trust outside my immediate family, I have almost no idea what it is that I do that makes people not like me. And now I feel so depressed that I see no way for anything to change. And I come home so stressed and worn out, not because of the actual work, but because of the constant anxiety of being around people, and constant fear. Bottom line, I've just reached a point where life just seems like a constant chore due to the stress and pain.

The problem with corporate America is that you almost invariably work in some type of narcissistic environment where everyone's bad points tend to be emphasized. I think what I need is confidence, and maybe the best approach is to find some social contact outside of work. Maybe I can find and adult ADHD support group (I live in the Durham NC area if anyone knows of such a group). I do think I have the wrong type of job for me because I have general issues with corporate America. I'd must rather be a poet, writer, philosopher, or naturalist but the demands of life require that I maintain my addiction to corporate America and the all-mighty dollar.

Does anyone else have any general advice? I've seen psychiatrists an I've been on med, but hate taking med for long-term. I'm hoping that someone might have something other than this to try. Also, just hearing that others are in the same situation would be helpful because I feel very much alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me too. I think it's cause I am a straight forward person which lots of folks dislike.

Very good list Piper.  

Interesting posts. I ended up on this board because I am struggling with how my ADD might be getting in the way of moving from a very mediocre career to a successful one.

As someone who was diagnosed in my late 30's I think I have become quite cynical of the workplace, in part, because although I work hard, I have not been particularily successful.

It may be that I am working very hard, only to perform at a mediocre level, or it may be that I am not perceived as open and friendly - I'm still sorting that all out.

I have a few thoughts that may be helpful:

Since I am married to someone who is very supportive, I've asked her to let me know when she sees what she would consider highly ADD behaviors, just so I can be more aware that they are occurring.

Secondly, I am going start keeping a diary to see if I can find any patterns and to monitor the helpfulness of my meds. I know a diary can be difficult, but I think I've found some software that will be helpful.

Lastly, when I worked as a supervisor of a small dept., I always made it a point to say hello to each person -by name- every day, the first time I saw them. I still practice this even though I am no longer managing people. It seems to help.

I have found myself trying to figure out why others don't change or wondering why the situation isn't different (why it is not the way it SHOULD be) - that's just depressing.

This is very true for me. Especially about wondering why things are not the way they 'should' be. That is one of the greatest frustrations about myself. It has cost me a great deal of wasted time and effort and it's just a bad bad habit of mine.