possesive in love | ADHD Information

I have read in my book that ADDers can often be possessive in relationships! I am very possessive. My boyfriends wants to go Amsterdam with his mates for a couple of nights, just to smoke a bit of weed! I am telling him he can't go and if he does I will end it. I do trust him but I don't like what he will see as it's red light dsitrict is full of hookers, strippers, sex shops etc... Am I being impulsive and possessive? Is this just part of life? Maybe I shouldn't stop him as he will resent me. I know his mates are wild but maybe I should trust him. I need some guidance before I throw away my 2year relationship!!!

I think you ought to let him go on his trip.

What does it matter what he sees? Your afraid he will be tempted and give in? Well, if he loves you he'll whatch, maby be a bit aroused and then leave it there and go home to you.

So, if you trust him, let him go. It's a good thing that he spend time with his friends without you as well as with you. It's a bit possessive not to let him go if you trust him.

If you don't trust him.... I think you have a problem in your relationship. How can you be together without trusting eachother? For me that's something fundamental for a working and longlasting relationship. Try to work on that then and talk to him and tell him why you don't trust him.

That's my advice based on my values and experiences :-)

/Kaks
One thing to concider is the fact that he might resent you for trying to control him and missing out on the culture and excitement of another country. As far as the hookers red light districts their nothing to speak of, I was their when I was in the military Hello countrygirl how are you tasting this morning? LOLSarah - That is your insecurities talking. It is best not to say things you really don't mean like "if you go, it's over." You do not really want to end this relationship. Telling him "no, he can't do something" is not a good idea. Better to say statements telling how you feel about this. "I feel ....." Try to get in touch with the true reasons you don't want him to go. Do you fear abandonment, infidelity, or is is jealousy? Your feelings, whatever they may be are valid. It is how you feel. Until you get in touch with the real reasons, you will feel insecure and miserable. (my experience talking)

Kaks - And you are AS? Your insight on relationships is remarkable, doesn't sound AS at all!

Countrygirl:
Thank you :"-) It makes me very happy to hear that cos I often think my views of a relationship is strange compared to others. But still, I can't shut up :-)
You made my day

/Kaks
btw you'r correct, I do have AS

Sarah -

I don't know how old your boyfriend is but I must say I find that if he feels he must go to amsterdam to get stoned - especially against your wishes - that he isn't showing much responsibility. Someday the pot smoking and drinking should go to the side to make room for the more important things like love and responsibility.

Even not considering that many go to there for not just the drugs but the sex I would say that if he is willing to go and blow it with you that he isn't very serious. Who matters in his life - his mates or you?

Believe me there are other fish in the sea. I used to believe that I had to buckle in and let my gf do whatever she wishes. That's so wrong! I used to do whatever she wished - and then when I asked her not to do something it was an offense to her and shame on me!

Love is a two way street. If he insists he must go then I'd say let him and just don't look back. It would be different if he was going for a job or other important reason.

People can smoke or do whatever they wish - I just don't have a lot of respect for a grown person continuing with the self-abuse that way. It's just stupid.

He is actually only 22 and his mates are 20 and 21. I am only 19 and I smoke it too. I agree with KAKS I think. I do understand he needs to go and experience this. It doesn't stop me from worrying. ANXIETY!!

Sounds like some folks know more details about your relationship with this guy than I do but my gut response is more toward Glen's.

My view on "Trust", as Kaks was mentioning, is not typical. I think that is a word that is over used and used as an excuse to let "bad behavior" go by the way-side. I don't know how many woman say, "I trust my husband/boyfriend" when I know for a fact this husband/boyfriend cheats all the time. You can hope and wish but blindly trusting is for fools.

I tend to be realistic. I don't believe for a moment your boyfriend is going there to "just smoke weed". Come on. He can smoke that anywhere. He does want to sow some oats and that is to be expected because he is so young. I don't blame you for letting it bother you. Trust your feelings. If you are in a exclusive relationship then I believe he should consider your feelings. If I were you, I'd plan myself a trip to the same location and see how he reacts.

yeah, sarah, let him go.

even as a young man, when i was involved with a woman i cared for, i was able to resist the temptation of other women.

while i get glen's point about choosing between you or his selfish desires, you two are young, and too much sacrifice could put undue stress on the relationship anyway.

it's o.k. to worry- this relationship means something to you. just don't let it overrun your good sense. tell your guy your worries, and use this as an opportunity to see what he really is about. if he wants to cheat, he doesn't need to cross the channel to do it.

better he sows some oats now, than getting 5 yrs. down the road, maybe having little ones around, and acts out of feeling trapped, rather than youthful adventure.

i see glen's views as valid to some extent, but keep in mind his strong feelings grow out of an abusive long-term relationship.

no offense sarah, but are you really thinking a relationship you started as a child is a lifelong deal?

I don't really appreciate your opinion Auntie! Do not accuse my boyfriend of wanting to cheat and sleep with other women!

I was worried purely because of what he would see. I smoke weed and he would want to go there because it is legal and there are cafes that sell it and it is in cakes! It is well know for going there to smoke it freely in public places. My boyfriend and are are very strong and he does love me very much! We have been together two years and you don't know him. You haven't even seen me, I don't mean to blow my own trumpet but I am actually a model. I am 5ft 9 curvy and a size 8. Now if he wants to go and sleep with a dog then fine but I dont appreciate your views. Just telling me that he will cheat is hurtful.

Scatty,

Sorry, I gave you my opinion not knowing all the facts. I didn't realize it was legal to smoke it in public. Your right, I don't know him and I probably should have kept my mouth shut. I did hurt you, I can see but I can't take back what I said because I already said it.

By the way, being pretty means nothing. But if you are not worried about faithfulness and just what he is going to see then I still say, your feelings are important. They are real! If you are looking for reasons to back down on your threat then I can't give them to you. I believe he should consider your feelings. Sorry I hurt and upset you.

SS -

I can understand how you feel, but I say let him go...you can't go through life worrying about if people are going to cheat on you or not. I think you just have to live life and deal with things as they happen.

My husband just went to Las Vegas with the guys for a bachelor party (he is 36 years old). He had a lot of fun and got crazy but he also ended up calling me several times a day because he missed me and he felt weird being there without me. He could have cheated on me and I wouldn't know, and some of his friends are wild, but he could cheat on me now, too. I can't stop him from doing it by being possessive and making us both unhappy.

Anyway, we ended up deciding that next time, the guys and the girls would both go, and we could still all go out separately but we could be together during the day or hook up later at night. Maybe you could do something like that if you have female friends who might want to go.

On the other side of that, I love my independence and my time on my own. I would not be able to deal with someone trying to take that away from me.

That's my 2 cents' worth.

Piss on him, let him go. If he feels the need to be with all his pals and leave you behind, tell him to piss off.

I would rather hang with you, than my mates.

and why are you not going?

And further, if you want advice, you should not attack those giving it. You asked for it, and your going to get all kinds of advice. Some you like, and some you don't.

Just ignore what you don't like, and take to heart what you do.

Here is some other views.

I hope he ruddy well gets his rocks and brings you back some nice std.

I also hope he goes gimp if he does that to you. Spreading hiv is considered manslaughter in some places. You have a right to worry, more than just a relationship is on the line. Your life could depend on it. I say your first instinct was correct. regardless of what others say to convince you.

I am sorry fo snapping Auntie, it was impulsive of me!

Ok guys!! I honestly do NOT believe he will cheat on me. He is crazy about me, we spend everyday together, constantly go out for meals, drinks and parties and tell each other everything! We both have our own friends as we feel it is important to maintain our own independance. I love spending time with my friends, and he loves being with his. I think it's good to have boys and girls weekends away! It's part of life! All was worried about is the fact he will see strippers and naked women out there. But I guess once again that is part of life!

We've been together 2 years. I tell you for a fact I do not blindly trust anyone. I find it very hard to trust anyone!! I am his first love and if you saw us together you would agree we were perfect.

My fear is, messing up the relationship because of my controlling, demanding, possessive personality!

[QUOTE=ScattySarah]

Definitely paranoia. I don't think he will cheat at all. He is a guy that needs his time with his mates and to breath. I am quite a demanding girlfriend and high maintenance. I ask a lot of him, so I can see why at times he needs space. To be honest the past 2 years have been fantastic. We are great together!

It is that I am a very jealous person. He does anything for me, sees me everynight, buys me things, constantly tells me he loves me, shows me affection and even treats my family to things. He is a great bloke.

My Mum got married at 19, she was held back from doing the things she wanted because of my Dad. Twenty years later she rebelled and had an affair in order to live her life. She started goin out with her mates loads, just to have fun. I want my boyfriend to have fun now, and remember doing the typical things you do at 22. Otherwise he may regret it and I don't want to be the person that held him back.

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Scatty,

Don't allow too much to happen, or your relationship will be out of control and fail because it has no boundries.

You have to have limits. Everyone has them. Just let things happen, as you get older, you will meet perfect men, then see they are not so perfect, just as in yourself.

No one is perfect together, if it seems like that, then someone is holding back.

Don't you regret giving miles and being taken advantage of. Your feelings your having are not selfish, they are called self presevation. Your wanting to keep what belongs to you, as yours. Your looking out for your feelings and you need to do that. No one else is going to.

I think your concern is genuine and you have a point as well. You will make the right decision when it comes to it. good luck
[QUOTE=ScattySarah]

[/QUOTE]

if this the the make/break issue throw it out b/cuz its garbage or you are a pyscho, either way he knows

TSK TSK Rayray - TSK TSK.

Very uncalled for.

I'm disappointed - you may want to apologize. Please read all the postings before this one and understand there is an honest question there and she's trying to be sincere. I don't approve of either the trip or the habitual pot usage but frankly I'm an old fart so I don't count.

Please apologize as I know you are nice deep down where it counts. It's always good to be a gentleman and courteous to all strangers and friends all.

awww glenW ... you got me i guess i was projecting feelings of an pyscho X i had that fit situation to a Tee,,,

sorry scatty...

Glenw -- the voicce of reason..

hey just call bul;lsh*t on me

Hi Glen please explain what you mean

I'm not sure which part you mean scatty - do quote the line that is confusing and I'll explain in simple terms if I can.

he WAS saying that - but apologized after I whacked him with a wet noodle for a few rounds lol. He was just being mad at an ex he had that showed some of the same behavior. He didn't mean to say that hurtful thing he's normally a very nice guy.

And you could still be paranoid I don't know you well LOL.

if this the the make/break issue throw it out b/cuz its garbage or you are a pyscho, either way he knows

I don't know if he was saying I am psycho, if so that would make me feel better. At least I would know i am being paranoid!

Here I am again.

Scatty, first of all I took no offense to anything you said. Your reaction was honest.

But please keep in mind if it bothers you about him going to see strippers that is YOU! Do not berate yourself for your feelings. There are indeed men who don't feel the need or desire to do this and there are men who have the desire but due to respecting and loving their significant other, refrain from doing so. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, expect him to continue doing this even if you are married. He will indeed say, "You knew this about me before we were married." And you'll have no rebuttal.

Hey Guys, well I just wana say thanks so much for all your words of wisdom. To be honest the problem has been ME for a long time! I have such a trust issue and my bloke is the loveliest, kindest person who has had a lot of loss in his life!

So... I sat him down and said "I have realised I cannot stop you doing what you want. I love you and I do trust you. You are my best friend! I understand that you just want to have a laugh with your friends whom you hardly see due to be with me everyday! So please go and have fun but call me and be good."

My boyfriend then apologised for maybe being a bit selfish and said that I am the most precious thing in his life and that nothing compares to me and that he could never hurt me as he has been through enough hurt himself!

Our conversation has made us closer. He said he sees us living together in the near future and would one day love to marry me. Since then we have been stronger and more understanding. It just took me to say the words I TRUST YOU! Which are such hard words to say, don't worry guys I am not making myself vulnerable to him, he knows I don't stand for any sh*t. And trust me I am not a mug. I am very clued up and never trust people.

Thanks again Scatt

ScattySarah,

Maybe you could go on the trip with him? That would solve the problem. You could grow closer that way.

Just a suggestion.

I have been in a relationaship where I was held hostage by the words "if you trusted me" while someone was cheating on me. It does hurt - Glen I'm with you!

But that may not be what is happening here.

When I was in that relationship, everytime I would suggest that I would like to come along on a trip, my other half would get upset and not want me to come. This was his time to get away from it all. - Big clue for me.

Maybe it could work for you too. If you suggest coming along, does he get upset by it, or welcome it?

I don't want to put doubt into your mind about your relationship. You might have a great guy there. But I thought I did too.

Just a suggestion. You need to follow your own heart.

Scatty,

Most of the people here who are skeptical about him going without you are those of us, probably over 30, who have been burned. I being one of them.

Being betrayed, to me, was the most hurful thing I have ever experienced and even though it was 10 years ago, I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust another man again.

I have always been told by many that I am beautiful. Even in my 40's I get hit on by men of all ages. My point is that looks have nothing to do with cheating. The men who do it just want variety and I don't think they always equate sex with love.

You do need to trust your instincts without getting paranoid. I wouldn't like my man becoming aroused by another woman either but it will happen and that is just life as long as you are the one he goes to bed with at night.

I think what you said to him was good but I do think ideally if you went along with some of your friends and met up with the guys from time to time that would be best. If he had a problem with that, then I would wonder why. Why don't you just run that possibility by him to see how he reacts?

1) You know yourself and you know him better than any of us do. What have the last two years been like?

2) Your original post said that you didn't like it because he would look at other women, not sleep with them.

Men look at other women, mother nature has a wicked sense of humor that way. If it is just looking that makes you jealous, I would say lighten up he is a guy. If you suspect him of being or wanting to be unfaithful - trust your instincts.

I think someone who loves me gets the benefit of the doubt against my paranoia, until I have more than that to be concerned about. I have been cheated on before, there is a difference between paranoia and a "gut feeling." Which are you having?

Reisa

I think the hardest thing to do is to trust. Especially ourselves and our intuition. Listen deep down, and TRUST yourself.

Trust is so difficult, I have watched my lack of trusting myself ruin many relationships. I am working on me, and hoping my picker gets better, lol.

Good luck

Auntie -

I know first hand a lot of manipulators use that "if you loved me you'd trust me" as a weapon and shield and those of us who have/are easily manipulated from love get beat up bad either way we go. I was there I know damn well.

I just hope she gets a surge of self-respect - enough to say "hey I matter too - stop trying to test my patience!". She feels she's supermodel pretty or says so I hope she sees that there are other fish and that if she's worried and feels it's being paranoid either it's time to check with a psychiatrist for some therapy over trust issues or to realize she's right and do what needs to be done.

Either way I do relate to being held ransom with the trust card. It bites big.