Thank you Barb for your support and for your advice. You are right, he is working through this pain right now and is only thinking of his children. For that, I respect and trust his instincts. I very much want to believe our love is strong enough for this, and I am willing to make the sacrifice and move to his state, 1000 miles away from my family because I believe that much in our future. The ball is in his court, but I know I need to make an effort as he needs me now too.
I have made contact with his brother. I left a message for them to call me and at least tell me he is okay. I want him to know I am still thinking of him, caring for him, even after he broke my heart. When you love someone you can't just walk away from them and close the door and until he tells me otherwise, I want to hold on to the belief feels the same.
Thank you again, I will continue to keep you posted.
For the past 7 months I have been dating a divorced father of two children who moved to my state over a year ago to overcome his mother's suicide and his own divorce after being married for 15 years. He chose to move to this state because his brother lives here and he knew he would have a good support system to help him "start over." He has Adult ADD, but took his medication regularly and sought counseling from a licensed therapist when he arrived in my state and for four months before I met him. He has been open and honest with me about his ADD and we have always been able to sit down and talk things through using techniques important in any and all relationships.
We met through a mutal acquaintance and actually started out as just friends, I was seeing someone else. After my relationship ended, we began to spend more time together and eventually our friendship matured into a romantic relationship.
Although he missed his children terribly, he believed he was doing what was right for him by taking control of his ADD the best way he could and dealing with all the hurdles and obstacles life had dealt him. Our relationship was very open, I considered him my best friend and we talked candidly about what didn't work in his marriage, of the mistakes he made and I had made in past relationships and the key points the two of us were wanting in a future life-partner.
Two months ago, his brother, who he was living with, told him he needed to get on with his life and that he should move back to where his kids lived because they needed their father in their lives. Of course he missed his children desperately and wanted to be with them, but he knew financially it was not rational to make the choice to move back to his home state.
After much thought and consideration on our part, he told me he didn't think he was ready to return to his home state and he just couldn't ask me to join him as all my family and friends were around me here. And because he wanted the two of us to have a future together and he was happy with me, he was going to choose to stay.
Unfortunately, before he made his final decision, he told his ex wife he may be returning and she proceeded to tell the children their Daddy may be coming home. He was very upset about this, and knew it would hurt his children tremendously, even though he had already made the decision to stay.
One week ago he proposed to me and we decided to set a date to marry. We told my family and friends and picked out rings together. I was skeptical in accepting the proposal because I had been engaged twice before and knew it was a big step, but the choice was easy when I realized I was going to marry my best friend, my best supporter and my best confidante.
Then he broke the news to the ex wife. She was very upset and told him he was choosing a woman over his children and instead of allowing him to tell his 10 year old son and 5 year old daughter, she blurted out to them while he was on the phone, "Your Daddy isn't coming home, he is choosing a woman over you."
Fireworks flew and my boyfriend was very upset. His 10 year old son cried and cried and proceeded to pack pack all the presents his dad sent him for Christmas in a box and told his mom to mail them back to him. The next day, the son wouldn't go to school because it was "Daddy Doughnut Day" and he didn't want to be at school without his dad. And to top it off, he told his dad he "hated him" and didn't want to talk to him anymore.
My boyfriend hurt terribly. . . we talked through the pain and had decided we were going to make a trip as soon as we could to see his children.
The next day I receive a voice message on my phone that he had left. Left his job, most of his belongings, and was returning to his home state to be with his children. The only explanation I received was that he needed to be with his children. Supposedly when he stopped by his home on his way to work that morning, his son had left him a sobbing message pleading for him to come home. It was at that point he decided to leave. He added he didn't feel he would have any amount of peace in his life until he was back with them.
That same day I was able to talk to him. I was hurt, angry and in shock. How could he just up and leave when I just kissed him goodbye that morning and told him I would see him that night?
I asked him if this meant the two of us were over. He told me he couldn't give me a straight answer because he was just focusing on getting home to his children. He reminded me it had nothing to do with his ex wife, but that the children came first and his home state is where he belonged. He told me loved me, but that this was just something he had to do.
What bothers me is that he would just pick up and leave. His impulsiveness can be directly linked to his ADD but he was always very good at thinking things through or at least talking things through with me before making a decision. I talked to his sister-in-law who said he was not taking his medicine, and was herself shocked at his behavior because he seemed genuinely happy about taking the next step in life with me.
Now, I feel like our relatioship was based on nothing, but I want to believe otherwise. During my last conversation with him he told me he couldn't give a stright answer on anything between the two of us. Now it has been three days and I haven't heard from him.
Am I to assume the relationship is over? I just don't understand, I am completely devastated because my best friend has cut me out of his life and I have no idea if he is all right or living on the streets. I wish him only happiness but I also deserve some explanation. I am not angry he went home to his children, but I am angry about how he handled our relationship.
He even took the time to return our rings, and tell me he was sorry for wasting my time. In less than 12 hours, he went from telling me he was going to enjoy spending the rest of his life with me to leaving me in a blink of an eye with a simple phone message.
I want to believe our relationship matters and I still want to spend the rest of my life with this person, even if it means moving to another state. I don't want to give up on him, but I am hurt in wondering why he hasn't called in three days. Am I jumping the gun, and should I wait a little longer? I just wish he would stop and take a few breaths and realize what he has done. Any advice?
Give him a little time to work this through. His ex wife is manipulating him by using the kids. In my opinion, he reacted to his child's pain and was doing what a loving father would have done. He has to get the relationship with his ex on an even keel. If he doesn't, she will be calling the shots by hurting the kids to get to him. I don't need to tell you what I think of a woman like that, I'm sure!
If he really does love you, he will be in touch at some point. Since you know his brother well, you can make sure they know to tell him that you still care and do understand.
Unless he gets custody of his kids, you will probably be the one who has to move to him if you are going to marry. Otherwise, the ex will continue to hurt the kids by using his absence to make them feel insecure and getting to him through them. He will need to fight to keep a relationship going with the kids. Her next step could very well be to try to find every reason in the book to keep him from seeing them and tell them its his fault.
A marriage to him won't be easy. If you really believe he is worth it, then put everything you have in you to fight with him to make it work. You will have to stand with him against the games she will play.
Good luck!
I saw that you said he was already divorced but sounds like he was acting all along as if he wasn't. Sounds like he has border issues and needs seriously to figure all of his life out before he should attempt to add you to the mix. To harm yourself ok but others? It's cruel to put more people through that meat grinder and for him to do that was unfair to you, his kids and frankly himself. He needs to step back from it all and make the changes that allow him to have a separated life from ex and find that middle ground for the kids. After all kids must come first but he needs to find a way to do that without giving the ex ammo.
And believe me realizing you are hurting someone is a far stretch from actually having the backbone for doing something about it. After all addicts know full well they are hurting everyone but until something hits them hard they keep doing it. I know this isn't like that but it works the same. He needs to grow a pair and fast.
You can help him by stepping way back. Talk to him or get a message to him telling him that you will stay clear until he gets a really good lawyer and I recommend he get therapy too. That way he can work through the guilt issues and then they won't be able to be used by ex as a leverage point. If you no longer feel guilty then it can't be thrown in your face right? But you being there puts you through unnecessary pain and him as well. Just get to a safe zone and wait for a while. Not forever though that would be silly.
Thanks so much Glen for your perspective. You have no idea how much your insight has helped me. I just hope he does grow a backbone - for his own good, even if I am not a part of his future. The ex knows she is in control and is using that against him. Hopefully he will be able to take some control back, otherwise, I am not sure I want to sign up to the task myself.Every ADDer is pretty unpredictable, especially under stress. Then add the manipulation by the ex, also unpredictable. Then add the kids and --- well, I think it would be safe to say it may take quite a while for him to get the situation sorted out.
When life drops an atom bomb into my universe, I tend to forget EVERYTHING exept the immediate problem. It doesn't matter how important other aspects of my life are, I am unable to gain any perspective. It has often taken me a matter of months to get my head out of my *ss and start thinking again.
I would suggest that you find a way to chase him down and hit him over the head with your support. (not literally, but almost :P) I know it is hard to believe, but he is probably not going to be able to focus on himself or you long enough to keep the "relationship ball" in the air. I have a lot of guilt about neglectful things I have done in my life, and I wish the people I cared about would have smacked me on the back of the head instead of dropping me from their lives. The friends that have lasted in my life have been the ones who refused to let me drop the ball. They called me every few weeks to see if had come out of it, and are there for me when I FINALLY do.
Sounds like a really sucky situation that nobody is going to walk away from without some serious bruises - but in the long run (the really long run, sometimes) he will decipher the huge tornado of events and realize who was and was not there for him.
Best wishes and good luck,
Reisa
Chimey - I sympathize with you but do stay realistic.
Yes - the ex certainly played the child card. Many times one parent will be cruel to the children and make it a him vs. her game. The child is the one who loses the most and that woman should be sent to a place where she can't hurt anyone as she's obviously mentally unstable.
Most couples when they split if they are both adults try to make the changes work best for the child. That doesn't mean staying together for the child's sake as that never works either.
He right now feels that if he doesn't go back to her she'll make the children hate him. He's right most likely and if it's you or the kids the kids will win.
Eventually he'll get divorce papers that force all to be fair to the kids but if it ever happens again she'll torture the child and you'll be out of the picture again.
There are a lot of guys without all the strings out there. Don't feel like this is it - there are always other fish in the sea.
Just be realistic and try to be ready for whatever happens.
I appreciate all of your supposrt in this matter.
Glen - he is already divorced and has been divorced for 2 years. For some reason, she still pulls all the shots and uses the children to pit war against him. But you are right, there will come a time when he will have to stand up for what he wants and for his happiness and his children will understand.
Right now he is suffering. I have spoken to his sister-in-law who says he is realizing the pain he has inflicted on me and that the "situation" is not working out the way he had hoped. He has no support system there and it is obvious he is not wanted at his ex wife's house. In fact, his father is very concerned for his welfare and I just wish I knew how I could help him.
According to his sister-in-law he is hurting for what he did to me. He is afraid to call for fear of me being very upset with him. I made it perfectly clear that I was not mad at him for going home to his children, but he does need to answer to our relationship when he is ready. I told her I was not going to give up on him and he needs to know that. I support whatever decisions he decides - even if it doesn't mean he will be with me.'
Of course, in a perfect world, I would love for it to work out. But, I try to be realistic about everything as well.
I will continue to keep everyone updated. Thank you for all of your help.