Help for Husband | ADHD Information

I used to think that Peita.  I was a gentleman who was quiet reserved and polite and honored women in ways I didn't see other men do it.  Therefore I imagined I should have been born in a bygone day when that was the preferred behavior.

I'm seeing though that all types of people are in need - it's a matter of finding the people who match up to you.  That's where living in a city helps I think.  All strokes for all folks there.  A small town for a renaissance man isn't always optimal but hey who can complain? LOL!

Just don't get back into those "woulda shoulda coulda" blues peita ok?  That does nobody any good and just leaves you sad and unfulfilled.

There is a place where all of us belong.  Just a matter of getting off our duffs and making it happen.

Thanks guys. Its all very helpful as you can imagine.

Seeker, that strangely seems to make alot of sense to me and my way of thinking. I always said I had been born into the wrong era, maybe I was right afterall

The classic "Driven to Distraction" is what I consider the number one primer for newbies to ADHD.  With it they can see the origins, the pain we go through and what can help.  It's not a complete reference but it's not designed to be.  It's thoughtful and written to be read by someone who is just starting the journey.  It's light enough reading that it is easy to read for most anyone.

That's what I'd recommend to start for your loved ones.

Thanks Glen, I spend a lot of time the the I shoulda thing, dont know why, it never gets me anywhere except more depressed and I do so hate not being happy.

Reisa, yes I would like to know. I get hyperfocused on books of any description. I hoard them too, before long they will need a house of their own

*Warning: All self help books come with a triple dose of sticky sweet sympathy.  May to cause severe tooth decay with regular use.* 

Sorry.  I keep trying to get off this soapbox, but it seems to have been glued to my feet.  I ordered a couple books on that subject, they should arrive next week.  I will let you know how they are if you like. 

 

I did post this question somewhere, but have no idea where so I thought Id post another one.

Do any of you know of any articles, books etc that are written for the spouses or partners of ADHDers to help them understand in words they can understand.

My other half has been trying really hard and reading all the info Ive been getting but he is still struggling with why I cant just change the things I do or dont do or why I think he's constantly critizing or not paying me enough attention. It really must be exhusting for him.

Ive been much better since on meds but I cant seem to make him understand that I need him to help with things like sharing the chores and organising and picking up my slack at times. I thought if he read it somewhere it may actually make him belive it

Any help would be greatly appreciated

Thanks for that, I'll see if we've got it here.

The next part will be getting him to actually read the book. He's good with articles, not so with books

I keep telling him its for his own good and peace for him too!!!

jackster- are you sure you are not referring to thom hartmann?

i read several of thom's books, but can't seem to google jim hartman.

one of thom's assertions is that our adhd is actually a set of genetic predispositions adapted for a world we used to live in.

we, are 'hunters'. we are better at managing change at a higher rate. we are more sensitive to changes in our environment, like a hunter looking for prey. more sensitive to stimuli. possibilities flood our mind, in order to have more options for reacting, and to adapt more quickly. we are better adapted for adapting to new circumstances.

they, are farmers. they need the patience to wait for crops to grow. they need to be able to make a long-term plan and stick with it. they need to be able to stay in one place. they need to literally be able to watch the grass grow. they need to be able to delay gratification. (waiting for crops and livestock to mature.) they need to be able to stay calm and diligent not only during, but between growing seasons.

one could argue that the modern prevalence of adhd is occurring for two reasons.

1) our society is in many ways forcing us to conform to more regularities-

school, where we're under constant evaluation, and compared to the larger group more stringently. all variations are more striking.

we are forced to work/be schooled in highly regulated situations, again, regularity and conforming to unnatural systems is generally the rule.

we spend much more time trying to acquire money, which we trade for goods that we accumulate. we need a place for all the stuff. a base to operate out of, to store our stuff, to have a regular place of residence to make easier our daily conformity of employment.

who has the time to set up a different camp, even weekly, with all the goods we posess? then, we have to make sure there is organisation and maintainence to manage the accumulated posessions, and the byproducts of living creatures being confined to an extremely finite area.

let alone the logistics that go along with large numbers of people doing the same thing.

these being true, people like us stand out. we cannot conform entirely, or easily. we are creatures that will always find this level of regularity and conformity to be very stressful and unnatural.

2) our world is changing. while many aspects of our society force us to be more scheduled, conformist, and adapted to the stream of time it operates on, technology is allowing/forcing us to be quick reactors.

the pace of life, the pace of incoming stimuli (while mostly of the artificial type) is increasing. there is ever less time in the modern world for reflection, for deeper consideration of events, reactions, and the future.

the pendulum is swinging, so that we are genetically producing, and eliciting those traits in our progeny, at a much greater rate.

impulse is good. lack of impulse is hesitation. he who hesitates is lost.

sorry peita. this has nothing to do with helping your husband. but hartmann's books are a good read. even the ones on society and politics, like 'unequal protection'- about the growing dominance of huge corporations over our gov't(s), and 'what would jefferson do?'- about the subversion of our government(s) by special interests against the foundation of being by, for, and of, the people.

he has written 5 or 6 books on adhd. i reccomend them highly.

seeker6338740.2925Thers a book out called Jim Hartmans guide to ADD and ADHD It helped me out alot and when my wife finally read it she started to understand me it might help you JackHey! Come on over to mine, Library of standards on ADHD and it's most common travellers, Dyslexia...etc.. if you can find the one you are looking for. I have come to the conclusion that we will need to have more ADHDers writing books that, 1 we can relate too....hmmm ..Focus.. Consentration..organisation.. Maybe we should let the Professionals at it... On a Starter Reader for adults.. yes i would go with Thom Hartmann

 

The Thom Hartman book may be a good read for someone wihout add interested in learning more.  It is one way of stating that - we, with add, haven't done the things we have (that annoy others) because we wanted to annoy them.  We are born with different genes that make certain things harder for us. 

It also may be a good read for someone who has add because it reinforces the idea that we aren't "bad" just born with different genes that make some things harder for us.

My problem with this book is that, when I read it - I felt that - well, that is that - I am a hunter and people who are annoyed with me are farmers; they should be encouraged to do what I don't want to do (since it's their natural tendency anyways) and they should let me be my hunter self. 

When the reality hit that no one seems to want to do the "farmer" chores and that no one wanted to accomodate me because I was a hunter - I became confused. 

I started to have a little more success after I realized that I have to find a way to accomodate myself so that I fit into the world, and that a farmer isn't my "yang" waiting to complete me.  Of course, I can pay someone to do things I don't want to do or I can trade other unpleasant activiities and that works in the world ...

However, regarding an intimate relationship, I guess anything goes.  It's the one place that you don't have to follow the rules of society - just satisfy each other. 

Over the long run, I think most people may resent having to do more of something that person doesn't want to do - unless he gets some other additional benefit.