What helps the most???? | ADHD Information
Just thought I'd start a convo. about what gets us mothers through the day, in dealing with our ADD children. I get to start with my 2 cents. I've learned not to react to his verbal diarrhea (as I call it). Eg: the wierd impulsive things he says "I'm going to kill the dog, pull his legs off etc. " I hate you" "Youre mean, not fair etc. "I won't, You can't make me." All the things they say to get us to react big. I learned to say okay, or make a joke-the dog would look pretty funny with no legs. Empathy-I know it sucks to clean your room, go to school etc. Become an actress because they say things for shock value and mean nothing. I try to keep my face blank and its helped a great deal. I don't freak as much or bitch as much. Also the use of 1-2-3 Magic saved both my husbands and my life, or well as my poor sons.
The other thing is to write down behaviors and consequences on the fridge. He knows exactly what will happen if he does something not acceptable. The list is small and rarely used anymore, but he knew what would happen and didn't get as mad. He got madder if he couldn't anticipate the consequence.
One more thing kept me sort of sane: Think long term. in 1 year he'll stop these temper tantrums. In 3 years I can take him to the grocery store, and he'll be reasonably good. Giving them choices and say into what should happen, or what they can do to problem solve. Have a sense of humour with them. Bedtimes will get better.
What is his diagnosis?Exactly my question. The "verbal diarrhea," as you call it, sounds over the top for ADHD.ADHD and probably ODD. He's 15 now. I thought this post might help new moms. I would say he's really hyperactive. He's on ADDERall, and functioning reasonable well, although is immature. We have a good relationship. His verbal stuff is only when his meds wear off, and not all the time. He would never and has never ever hurt anything be it animal or us. He is strictly all talk.momiss238741.4916435185I agree smallmom. My son sure doesn't do it. Nor does my friend's daughter.What a great thread to start! You have such great ideas. Since I'm new, (my son hasn't been diagnosed yet, we go to doc Jan 26) I can't say what keeps me sane since this journey has just begun, but I would like to share what helps me when I get so worried about our son's future.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (God's words from God's mouth found in the Old Testament in Jeremiah chapter 29 verse 11)
and
"God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (found in the New Testament 2 Tim 1:7) The part that speaks to me is the "sound mind" part. I need one to be a parent to my son.
and
"O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous, and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!...And when I wake in the morning you are still with me." Psalm 139:1-3 and 13-17
I'm sure this thread was started for a completely different reason than for what I just used it for, but I couldn't resist.
The problem is, a lot of the kids posted about here don't HAVE ADHD. ADHD is almost always the first dx. one gets when a child has a problem, but ADHD is ADHD and does not involve extreme opposition, raging, cognitive delays, etc. There are a lot of parents who hang onto ADHD because other things scare them, but that's not in the best interests of the child. It's always best to cover all your bases or a loving parent could actually be harming his own child.You people scare me sometimes thinking multi diagnosis for kids. I agree you should look into it, but not all children are the same at all, even if ADD. My son is quite organized (better than some, worse than others), he likes to read, he hates math. He is definitely oppositional and his own personality. I started the post to see what things have helped other moms with their children. It's the hardest jobe their is, and sometimes I look back and wondered how we got through it. Marriage still in tact, and fairly strong relationship with our son.I'm sorry but I really hate labels. Even if you have a label other than ADD, there are no real med.s to help, unless the child is way over the top. My son is functioning, and even if he did have another label there would be no further help for him. He doesn't get extra help at school, he is not 2 years behind. He doesn't have a school identification like learning disabilities or such. He gets nothing, other than a pediatrician to review his med.s regularly. He fits the ADHd Diagnosis to the T, with some anxiety issues. Repeat, he is functioning quite well, he is passing grade 10 in both regular and academic coarses. He has his quirks, and did have alot of behavior problems when he was little. He still keeps me busy, but from what I've seen around here he is functioning much better than some kids with ADHD. I also don't have much trust in testing from anyone, because it may or may not be truthful, because it depends on so many variables. You also get Docs that love to put that new diagnosis out there like Bi-polar which was the biggie about 8 years ago. Before that it was mult-personality disorder. Whatever the new diagnosis is, now its autistic spectrum disorder. I started this discussion because it may be helpful to parents who have newly diagnosed children.momiss2,
good to hear there's hope and you (and he!) made it to the ripe age of 15
things that help... well i'm thinking more in terms of what helps my mental health as this impacts greatly on the way i handle things! here's one:
i think what helps me most to get thru the crappy days is that i know with 100% assurance that tomorrow will be different.
if your'e talking strategies...
the really crappy days are few at least. i use a system similar to yours- modified to fit an 9 years old maturity. consequences are simple and clear and more importantly absolutely ruthless!! for my son, it's gotta be really important to him to be able to have any leverage on his behavior!
more mental health tools...
the other thing that helps is that i have seen so much improvement over time and i truely believe it will continue. so, this inandof itself helps tremendously to know things will continue to improve.
that's what helps me most along with consistency, patience and love.
good question
Momiss2,
It is a GREAT thread! You sound like you know what you are doing.
We did the same thing with my son as far as the not reacting. So much of what he did was to get attention. We just stopped giving it to him. No audiance- is no fun!
You are right about this list, too. It does scare people. There were times when I just had to stop reading for a while. It gets so depressing. But I have learned a lot from this list at the same time. All these kids are so different and what works for one, won't work for another. That is what is most difficult. The BEST advice you can get from here is to find a good Dr. who knows about all these disorders and can do the right kinds of tests on your child.
After that, get real involved at school. Hand pick your childs teacher and make sure you have weekly, if not daily, communication.
ADD is not the end of the world. It's just a different world.
What gets me through the days? Right now my son is attending a different school to find out what type of learning disability he has and some life skills for him and us to work on. This week has been his first week (6 more weeks to go) so I have been stressed to the max.
I am learning not to rush him. Make sure I warn him ahead of time of what is going on. (supper in 5 minutes, bedtime in 10 mintues) and point out on the clock when that is.
We are also learning that in order for him to not interupt us when we are busy or talking that we have to not do the same to him. We ask him to come here when you are done with your lego , or give him the one minute sign when we are on the phone. Believe me some days this does not work but we are just all learning.
hey momiss2 - i tottally agree with you, all kids with adhd are not at all alike, yes there are some similarities but all kids have their different quirks and they change as they grow. My son has been diagnosed with adhd since 2nd grade, he is now in 4th and its been the hardest time for us. He has no other co-moribids or learning disabitilites, overall he is a quite high functing kid but this sept. he just didnt want to deal with school, refuse to do the work, started being aggressive and the attitude jezz i thought he was a 15yr old teenanger (sometimes i wanted to knock out his teeth) It got so bad I had to pull him out of school for two months. I started an IEP and as the school started looking for a program for him, his pschiatrist diagnosed him with anxiety and depression, Gave me new meds an now its been about 4 1/2 months since he started them and about 2 1/2 weeks in a brand new school, new programm (a CTT class) slowley he is becoming what he use to be, yes hyper and unfocused sometimes but caring and loving. Yes its hard but we as parents we need to keep in there, trying everyday. I found that a breathing technique called candle breathing works with him. He pictures and elevator (u can use anything a kid likes) going up and inhales and as he slowley exhales he pictures the elevetor going down. this works due to stimulating the mind with the picture and the breathing controling the anger. posting a list of consequences for behavior is something i want to try, our therapist told us about this. did you start with a short list?
I agree with Lahdedah. My son will say things, and he does it to get attention. It is very hard for me to not react. If your child has more than adhd or you feel that something more is wrong, then always dig further. The only true diagnosis for adhd would come with brain scans, and how many of our children have been through this? All children are different therefore all symptoms may be similiar, but not identical.
[QUOTE=SmallMom]Exactly my question. The "verbal diarrhea," as you call it, sounds over the top for ADHD.[/QUOTE]
My 11 year old is very much as the OP described her son. I wouldn't call my son defiant as the he will immediately comply all the while spouting the "verbal diarrhea". Actually if I can maintain my cool it can be kind of comical to watch him get his book, find a pencil, sit down and start his homework all the while proclaiming he's not going to do it. I've never known him to hit or physically mistreat anyone or thing. In fact he demonstrates a lot more empathy than some of his classmates without ADHD.
I think of the "verbal diarrhea" as "the noises" because it is not limited to words. He has done them as long as I can remember. No amount of scolding, spanking, rewarding, you name it has ever made him stop for more than just a few moments. It is not confined to times when he is angry or stressed. He can babble to himself quite happily. It has never been something he would do 24/7 but likely to occur when bored, or in a quiet, sit down activity. It can sure make a long car trip an interesting experience.
I use to think he was defying us when he would persist. Now, I believe it is because he has difficulty controlling his impulses. He knows he is doing it but they just pop out before he can put a lid on it. If you bring it to his attention he may be able to control it for a few moments but as soon as his attention wanders, which we know is fairly often, out it comes. The only thing that has ever been the least bit effective in long the long term is his medication (Adderall XR). I don't believe they are tics because he does have some control and it always accompanies an increased lack of impulse control in other areas. His poor impulse control is not limited to just "the noises" but "the noises" are probably the most striking and most easily identifiable characteristic of his ADHD. In fact the first thing my husband and I do when ds starts "the noises" is look at one another and ask, "Did you remember to give ds his pill this morning?"
When his medication begins to wear off "the noises" start happening more often. In the past our doctor has increased the Adderall XR when these noises start occurring more frequently. So far the increase has done the trick but I'm now faced with the problem again and I guess it's time for another visit with the doctor. It may mean a complete change in meds as I'm not sure if he'll want to go over the 30mg ds is now taking.
I don't think the verbal diarrhea is necessarily over the top for ADHD, but may just be an indication of poor impulse control.
Sorry if this post shows up twice I had a connection problem the first time I tried to send it.
What gets me though the day is comeing on here and getting tips and a great school system that my son goes too. But there are days that I just have to let his dad take care of him.
Lisa
I've been reading about 1-2-3 Magic, wondering if it really works. It sounds a lot easier to use than points, marbles or chips. I'm afraid I would have a hard time keeping up the points. I am a new mom of ADHD. Son has been on meds for 2 months, life is better, but we need help parenting in a way he can cope.some of you have said that the behaviors that her son showed were not common to adhd My son was just retested because he also has the anger problems and the verbal dirarena so to speak and they have only dx him with the adhd even after the retest so yeah all kids are differant with the adhd or with out thats whats makes them unqiue am i wrong?
IMac38945.657037037What helps? Telling my boys that they are special, 'normal' people can only do one or two things at once...poor them. They are lucky cos like Mum they can do 5 things at once, and when other people are flagging and want to sit down, hey we are only just getting started.
Also our family joke is " Only Adders can get high on 1 can of Diet Coke and 3 Skittles". Un-PC, my eldest has 7 GCSEs and an A level, my youngest is top of his class. I gave up on the experts and meds 3 years ago.
To those who would say "Well they probably dont have ADHD" I say, come babysit, if you dare!
My 8 year old ds, diagnosed with ADHD and medicated accordingly, talks incessantly. If not to me then to himself. I have been in danger of zoning him out as the talking just carries on and on - but I really do try and get down to his level, make contact and hear him out.
Contrary to what has been mentioned in this thread, I thought that constant talking or making of noises was something many ADHD kids do.
As to what helps me get through the day? The few hours of quiet when he goes to school 
hey momiss2 - i tottally agree with you, all kids with adhd are not at all alike, yes there are some similarities but all kids have their different quirks and they change as they grow. [/QUOTE]
I agree with sunshinedia. I would like to add that at 15, puberty has set in. With ADHD it has set in physically, but many people with ADD are delayed in certain ways emotionally (even if they aren't intellectually). This can lead to behaviors during adolescence that are totally apart from the norm-whatever the norm is. I would say that Mom and son are both doing great!!! As far as what gets me through the day, I find that trying to structure my daughter's time after school until homework is completed helps a great deal. There has to be this predictability, or homework time becomes impossible. With my 17 year old son who has ODD, I also find that it is helpful to ignore, or at least not react to his behaviors. I also find it helpful to try to do something just for myself each day. Things just go much more smoothly if I do this.