my husband is adhd | ADHD Information

I have been married for one year to a great man with adhd.  He isn't on any meds.  His brother also has it.  I want to be supportive and a good wife to him.  He bounces around with activities and hobbies, and spends alot of money on these things.  He buys very expensive "toys" and when he tired of them they just sit there.  I am looking for advice...I am the total opposite to him, so I really can't relate.  I am concerned that he will tire of me as well.  Should I encourage meds?  Thanks for any insight

You should encourage him to get treatment for his ADHD. If he is open to it, suggest the two of you look into treatment and encourage him if that is what it takes. Be careful not to seem nagging or pushing though or it will have the opposite effect to what you are hoping for.

If he is a married man he does need to become more responsible but take it from an ADHDer, we are extremely good at ignoring things we don't want to deal with. A nagging spouse, even one with only our own good at heart can turn us deaf, dumb and blind to change of any kind! Frankly, the more my hubby suggests something, the less likely I am to do it.

We deal with self esteem issues every day of our lives and even a hint that he thinks I don't have the brains to decide what is best for me has me totally angry and ready to run in the other direction.

I know you didn't mean to sound like you are bossing him. You didn't, but I wanted to warn you, he may not see it the same way.

I wouldn't worry about him tiring of you as easily as he tires of his toys and projects. If you are a loving wife and not clingy, I'm sure his love will grow. People are not the same as objects. We are always changing, growing, have different moods, etc. Its much harder to get bored with something that doesn't stay the same constantly and even the calmest, most level person has layers to their personalities.

Good luck!   Barb

barb38213.8023842593

He is lucky to have such a caring wife. I think you could approach him with your concerns, but be as tactful as you can about it. Don't make him feel humilated. Since you guys share a life, it's important that you be open with concerns that you have.

 

[QUOTE=darnielle]I have been married for one year to a great man with adhd.  He isn't on any meds.  His brother also has it.  I want to be supportive and a good wife to him.  He bounces around with activities and hobbies, and spends alot of money on these things.  He buys very expensive "toys" and when he tired of them they just sit there.  I am looking for advice...I am the total opposite to him, so I really can't relate.  I am concerned that he will tire of me as well.  Should I encourage meds?  Thanks for any insight[/QUOTE]

Thank you!  I will definitely buy the book.  Barb explained him to a tee!!  Everything you said described him.  I will GENTLY bring up getting diagnosed.  What is behind the self esteem?  Is it the years and years of being told to shut up, sit down, be quiet, what is the matter with you, etc... that affects it?  I am always complimenting him, but he just laughs like, yeah right!  He doesn't belive me.  I feel better about him not tiring of me now!!  You can imagine the spouses of adhders!  I appreciate your respnses very much!!!

I am ADHD and my husband isn't. We've been together for almost 5 years and I will never tire of him - he's my soulmate and I love him to bits :D I'm sure your husband thinks the exact same way about you.

The thing my hubby is finally starting to realize is a lot of us with ADD can take things very personally. He can make some very innocent comment and I can totally take it the wrong way.

I encourage you to talk to your hubby, but like Barb mentioned he may not interpret the info the way you see it. He may take your intentions the wrong way. Does that make any sense? LOL :o)

Has he already been diagnosed with ADHD?

A really good book to read is Driven to Distraction. It's all about adult ADD/ADHD. I'm currently reading it right now and I'm going to make my husband read it as well. But if you read it, it will probably give you some great insight as to how us ADD'ers think etc. It's an easy read and actually pretty humorous at times as well. Also, if he sees you reading that book it might be the perfect door opener so to speak to bring the topic up ;)

Let us know how it goes! And if you need any help/insights etc, well that is what we are here for! :D 

I am catholic and adhd - my poor organised protestant husband.  But he does seem to love me.

My husband just brought to my attention that he thinks I have ADHD. When he pointed out the things that made him feel this way, he did it VERY well. He just asked if I would just look into it with out any pressure and I did!!! I took a few ADHD quizzes and it appears that I am. I have an appointment today with my physician and I’m a little nervous. I’ve always felt something was wrong with me and I never wanted to admit it. I would also become very defensive when I was questioned about why or how I did things. Maybe your husband feels the same way. Just let him know how you feel and maybe he will take it upon himself to look into it just as I did.

the biggest problem we have is his 17 year old son.  He is adhd (diagnosed on ritalin).  He is severly undisciplined and unstructured by my husband and his mother.  He has broken the law numerous times, is disrespectful to everyone and just a joy overall.  When we have issues with the son, I think my husband takes it personally because he too knows he's also adhd and super defensive.  He told me last night that no matter what his son does he will always defend his actions because he is so troubled and difficult.  He thinks we should always give him slack and cut him a  break.  I see red flags and tons of trouble ahead and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm very sad for our marriage because all we do is fight when his son is over.

Wow!!! I can see why you see red flags!!! I don’t have any kids but it sounds like your husband is giving you son a bunch of excuses!!! I was kind of a troublemaker in school and I got in trouble with my parents but I wasn’t in trouble with the law. Please don’t take this the wrong way…. But it sounds like you don’t have much of a marriage at all! Considering your husband just disregards your thoughts. Marriage is about 2 people not 1. He really needs to take your son’s future into thought like you are. Would he go for counseling? Keep in mind that you cant carry your family all on you own no matter how hard you try. Be sure to stay strong!!!! Good luck!

Hi Darnielle

I am male and have ADD. My wife does not.

In my humble opinion I believe ADD can be much more difficult for the man in a marriage. This is just due to the social expectation that the man is the provider and the one who takes care of things (makes sure the cars are serviced, makes sure the house winterizing is done in fall, is the one who is sensible about spending and is reponsible for planning for the future, etc.).

ADD unchecked can develop into a parent-child situation. Right or wrong, this is still more acceptable in our culture when the male takes on the responsibility of the lead role. When the wife is the one constantly correcting the husband, reminding him of things, and being the one to tell him no, it can be particularly humiliating. Again, I do not think this is right, it is just the way things are.

BUT, when I found out at age 45 that I had an actual physical cause for all this (brain chemistry), it relieved a lot of the shame and guilt around the previous 40+ years of my life as well as the previous 20 years of marriage.

Men tend to be very logical (unless our egos are assaulted) and most of us will respond very well to an objective source if information such as books and articles. It is also easier for us to go off alone, read the information, process it, and come to our own conclusion. Men (and ADD men in particular) do not want to be put on the spot. We do not want to sit down and have a three hour heart-wrentching cry-fest conversation about how inadequate and screwed up we are. That just makes us want to go out and drink beer, howl at the moon, and mark our territories.

My suggestion is to get a lot of information (books etc.). Ask your guy if he will do a big favor for you. Tell him you have a couple of books for him to read in he next week or whatever. Then after he reads them, wait for him to bring it up. If he can feel like he is assessing the problem and finding a solution himself, that will be much better. If he can come to the conclusion "on his own" that he needs to see a doctor, you will be miles ahead. He will be more likely to get treatment and stick with it without suffering the ego slam and the natural resistance he may have if he is being "told" to do it.

If he has the books for 2-3 weeks and says nothing, you may just ask him if he is done with the books because you need to return them to the library or renew them.  If he has ADD, he may have forgotten to read them! Don't assume he did not want to read them.

If he brings it up, discuss it briefly and and just listen to what he has to say about it. Make love to him that night and tell him what a stud he is. Make sure to compliment him on all the things he does great. this makes it easier to accept the fact that we have a very real problem. Men are conditioned that anything like this is a sign of weakness. So pump up his ego when you can. Be sensitive, and go slow on the ADD topic. But be persistent. Don't let it go for years.

Anyway, this is just my view from the standpoint of what I think would have worked best for me. 

 

Chazinmo38215.5830787037They say women are complicated!!!!!!!!!!!  I really appreciate the time taken to respond.  I compliment him constantly because I know he needs it.  He turns me away for sex 4 times a week because I have a higher desire than he!!  I will take your advice and hope it helps not only with him but with the son. Chaz - TELL US MORE!