I am not sure exactly what you are saying - but I think you are asking if ADDer's are scared to commit in case we disappoint. Correct me if I am wrong - If I am right. The answer is different people have different problems - no ADDer is the same.
ADDers can have low self esteems, not just because we stuff up our relationships with our impulsivness and lack of communicating effectively, but because we make poor choices in our partners.
I think your man has deep self esteem issues and you can't fix him - he has to fix him - tell him that. Do not take on the responsibility of mothering him.
My advice is to not invest in someone your whole heart, if they are not truely invested equally in you.
I can only speak for myself but it is very hard for me to comitt. When you love someone you want the best for them and personally, I see the ADHD behavior which I can't change. For example, I cannot keep a clean house consistantly, I cannot disagree without getting into a shouting match unless my hubby backs off (which he doesn't), things like that. I am not mean or lazy and I don't indulge in a lot of the things I did when I was younger but I really hate to inflict myself on someone I love and respect. I believe they can do better.
Fortunately for me, the people in my life love me enough to hang in there and not give up on me or our relationship.
If he is indulging in dangerous behavior to you, himself or others around you, then you should back off. If he is honest, warm, loving and you don't mind that he may never be able to generate a good income and you may end up being the primary bread winner, then he would benefit from your relationship. Only you can see what he is like. Look at him honestly and realistically and make your decision.
With your love and support he may change for the better but there is no guarantee that he will. Can you live with him the way he is if he never changes?
Rae70 you are correct in understanding what I'm asking. I have to ask you do they pick poor partners? What does that mean exactly?
I'm confused b/c if I dont invest, he will think I don't care.
Mimi - I can only talk from my own experience. I picked very poor partners but the latest one is pretty good (My darling hubby).
Initially - when I was 15 I became engaged and married b4 19. I loved this man because I found he understood me (I have since discovered he also has add). However he never grew up and I did. I didnt choose a partner based on what I needed and what would last. Just what I needed then. I did not think about our future just that day. He has never really got his life properly on track - but I still care for him but at times he frustrated me so much I nearly punched him.
My second partner - lust at first site - I wasnt aware that was all there was - I thought I loved him. I believed everything he said, I was easily led into criminal behaviour (however never got caught) I took no real birth control, had my son (with adhd) , This man stole all my money and left me with debt and abandoned us. My ADD did not allow me to think objectively. I was led along by the charisma of this man and was basically his "little idiot". In hindsight - grrrr at me.
My current husband is great - we do have issues still - but we both work towards a common goal and we are achieving it. We both admit our downfalls and inadequacies. Basically we are both honest about who we are and forgive each other. We are not the perfect couple but we are stayers and are committed. This is what I need.
And Barb, you are a worthy partner - so what you have a messy house, and you get into shouting matches some times - if he doesnt like it - he can clean it - and if you are shouting - perhaps he has just plain pissed you off and has to take some responsibility too. You are as you are and if your man saw value in you enough to have a son with you then the few things you do stuff up with is just part of what makes you you.
Our negative points are just as valueable as our positive points (provided they are not criminal or violent) and when someone loves us they take on a package - not a smorgasboard that they can pick and choose the bits they want and critisise the bits that arnt to their taste.
And Mimi, regarding emotional investment - I say invest only the same amount as him. Do not invest more - equal relationship. Dont be there for him - if he is not there for you - dont be manogomous if he is not - dont go buy a wedding dress if he is still going out with the guys. The heart is a treacherous thing and if we follow our heart alone - we will be decieved, broken and too scared to love again. Our love investments should be like our financial ones, given the same careful consideration.
A LETTER FROM GOD TO WOMAN
When I created the heavens and the earth,
I spoke them into being.
When I created man, I formed him
and breathed life into his nostrils.
But you woman, I fashioned after I breathed
the breath of life into man
because your nostrils are too delicate.
I allowed a deep sleep to come over him
so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.
Man was put to sleep so that
he could not interfere with the creativity.
From one bone I fashioned you.
I chose the bone that protects his heart and his lungs
and supports him, as you are meant to do.
Around this one bone I shaped you. I modelled you.
I created you perfectly and beautifully.
Your characteristics are as the rib,
strong yet delicate and fragile.
You provide protection
for the most delicate organ in man, his heart.
His heart is the centre of his being;
his lungs hold the breath of life.
The rib cage will allow itself to be broken
before it will allow damage to the heart.
Support the man as the rib cage supports the body.
You were not taken from his feet, to be under him,
nor were you taken from his head, to be above him.
You were taken from his side, to stand beside him
and be held close to his side.
You are My perfect angel.
You are My beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence,
and My eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart.
Your eyes - don't change them.
Your lips - how lovely when they part in prayer.
Your nose, so perfect in form, your hands so gentle in touch.
I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep;
I've held your heart close to mine.
Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like Me.
Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day and yet he was lonely.
He could not see Me or touch Me.
He could only feel Me.
So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with Me,
I fashioned in you: My holiness, My strength, My purity, My love,
My protection and support.
You are special because you are the extension of Me.
Man represents My image, woman My emotions.
Together you represent the totality of God.
So Man - treat Woman well.
Love her, respect her, for she is fragile.
In hurting her, you hurt Me. That you do to her, you do to Me.
In crushing her, you only damage your own heart,
the heart of your Father, and the heart of her Father.
Woman, support Man.
In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you.
In gentle quietness show your strength.
In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.
I think that last entry should work both ways.
I really don't like it when people put words in "GODs" mouth.
-Gettingagrip-
I have so many questions now that I understand what makes me think and do the things that I do. I think that the biggest three are this, do we ever stop being afraid, do we ever stop looking for negative things and do we ever stop analyzing every little thing? The man that is in my life has to be the most wonderful man in the world. He's been so understanding about so many things and we've been there and back together, we always work it out, no matter what it is. Sad thing is that I do exactly what I asked the questions about and right now we're apart and while we're both trying so hard to work it out no matter what he does I still do these same things and I know that this is one of the biggest problems that we have, it's getting better but I guess I just want to be able to look at something and take it at face value...not do these things that only make both of us miserable. So far this website has been one of the best things that I have ever found...so thank you all for all the comments, suggestions and concerns.
JazzAngel...
Dear Jazz, Sorry to hear about you and your man - but take heart - usually if both parties dont give up and do their best for the relationship - things do work out - at least that is what I have seen in the oldies that have been together for 40 years or something. None of them say that it was easy - but they do say it was worth it.