Relationship help needed.

Hi Everyone!  Although I don't have ADHD, I've been romantically involved with a man for the past 6 months who has recently told me after I tried breaking it off with him that he was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago (He's 33 years old). He doesn't like to talk about the ADHD itself.  He stresses how he can't get organized, how overwhelmed he feels and how tired he is from not sleeping.  The ADD is addressed as so:  He'll read the back of a video rental and when I ask him what it's about he'll say I don't know I have ADD remember . 

I don't think he's comfortable discussing it with ME yet.  He has mentioned he was on Paxil and Prozac and he didn't respond well to either.  I think he's in therapy.  He told me no but, I saw an appointment card on his desk.  He's addicted to his workout (Karate) and eating healthy.  He's maintained 3 relationships with childhood and high school friends which is more than I can say for me.  He seems to have a good relationship with his family even though I haven't met them.

When trying to end it: it's not that I didn't like him anymore.  I was falling in love with him.  He is truly a great person and I love being with him.  I was just tired of the disappointments and what I thought were mind games.  I felt that we were not progressing to the next level and whenever I mentioned it to him he shut down and claimed I was pushing him to get serious.  He went from calling everyday down to 2-3 times a week.  We were seeing each other every weekend, now were down to 2 weekends a month (I live in NY, he in NJ).  Sometimes he disappears for a weekend without returning my call.  He would call 2 days later and ask me if I hated him?

Since his admission I have purchased 2 books on the disorder and are trying to learn as much as I can about it.  (He has no clue I've done so) I've confessed my feelings about how his actions make me feel and he admits to being a jerk and how I don't deserve it and how he's afraid to get close. He claims this is what he does, he gets scared and disappears.  After his confession and my research I now understand whats behind his actions.  But, sometimes I find myself wondering is it the ADHD or is he losing interest in me?  I read that you get bored and look for other "stimulation" and that scares me. I feel now that I'm in too deep and I'm afraid of losing him to other "stimulation" or him just no longer being able to focus. I realise I can only help him so much but I want to know how I can be here for him in a way that he understands.  If anyone has any advice for me it would be greatly apprecitated.........Thanks, Mimi

Hi,

No one has responded to this so I thought I'd give it a shot. I want to say that I think this guy is manipulative. I think it's possible that he is lying about the ADHD or if it's true, he only revealed it to you so you'd feel sorry for him and stay with him. I don't think he's worth falling in love with. You don't need this kind of drama. ADHD does not make a person b.s. someone, which is exactly what he is doing. He says he's afraid to get close so he disappears. Then why does he claim to be confused and upset when you don't call him? He KNOWS that this is unacceptable in a relationship so he tries to play the victim so you'll continue to stay with him and he'll continue to get gratification by you falling for his con game of lying and hiding behind excuses.

This guy is playing you and you need to get rid of him. I'm not buying any of it. ADHD does NOT make a person behave this way.

Just my opinion and I'm known for my bluntness. I'd say your gut feelings of mistrust are right on the ball.

Cheekydeeky

I have to admit that your response was not what I was hoping for.  It was actually a punch in the stomach.  I do appreciate your honesty.  After giving it more thought, I have to disagree with you.  First let me tell you that I carry a lot of baggage when it comes to relationships.  I’m recovering from a traumatic experience and sudden broken heart.  I do not trust anyone.  I second guess everyone and are paranoid people are out to hurt me again. 

I believe that he does have ADHD. He has all of the symptoms BELIEVE ME.  I do agree with you that he used his ADHD as an excuse in order for me to stay with him.  And your right that I felt sorry for him but, I also understand not wanting to tell someone you have a disorder openly.  Especially someone you are interested in getting to know better.  From what I’ve researched on ADHD, most suffer from severe self esteem issues and I believe that this is his case.  I think that this reason has kept him from establishing relationships with women and it is simply a case of him being immature and not knowing how to handle himself without exposing himself to hurt.  Some other members have posted that more partners should be like me and to give him more time.  Since it takes Adders a while to open up and trust people.  Some have even suggested he’s testing me to assure himself I will still be there when he messes up.  It is drama but, I’m willing to partake in the drama a little longer.

I have to correct you in your comment about him being confused and upset when I don’t call him.  That never happens.  It’s the reverse.  He does know he’s wrong in not returning my call so, he does play victim.  Whether or not he’s afraid of getting close?  I have no idea if that is true.  I hear that is common with Adders.  So, you can imagine how confused I'am.

I’m trying to keep my eyes open and in the same token trying to get closer to him. This past weekend I opened up to him and confessed to him that I didn’t think he realized how much I liked him and how much I enjoyed spending time with him and I feel that he genuinely needed to hear that.  

I would like to also add that he never used his ADHD as an excuse with the exception of his confession and the video store.   

Okay, this is long, but bear with me.

This guy may well have ADD (sounds like it), but he may also have some other issues.

If he is in therapy, he needs to tell you about it. You obviously do not need to know all the details, but you at least need to know if he is seeing a doctor, what for (depression, etc.), and for how long. You need to know what you are getting into. You also need to know what this guy is doing when he dissapears on the weekends. If he wants to be secretive, that is fine. But you don't need to get involved with someone who is secretive.

Have you net his old friends? What are they like? Are they happily married? Do you plan to meet his parents? If so, find out what they are like. 

Has he been married before? There are not too many 33 year old guys who have never been married (with the exception of a few swingers) unless they have some pretty serious issues. I am sure there are some exceptions to this, but not too many. Most guys, even with all sorts of issues, manage to get married (many do not stay married). But very few "normal" guys live alone at that age unless they have problems or are really having a great time with a lot of ladies.

Maybe he is a very good person, but with a lot of very serious issues. But do you want to sign up for unknown issues? Maybe it is just his ADD. But if you are tired of the "disappointments", you maybe should not be with an ADDer. Treatment helps, but the ADD does not go away. And maybe it is just the ADD that makes him afraid of getting close to people. That is not a crime. But do you want to be involved with someone who does not want to get close to you?

WHEN PEOPLE ARE FIRST DATING that is when the love, lust, puppy love, admiration, infatuation and all that stuff is at its strongest. That is when people are at their absolute highest level of exerting energy in order to be close to the other person. this is when most people are so out of their minds, head-over-heels in love that they see 100% perfection in the other person and the entire world is beautiful. If you are having this many concerns at this stage, they may be real warning signs.

On the other hand, it may just be because he lives in Jersey!

(I live here too).

I'm sorry my previous post was like a punch in the stomach to you. It was meant to help you. I've been with guys that have disappeared for days and then lied or didn't tell me where they went. And just like you everyone was too afraid to tell me the truth so they said the same old cliche crap "Just give him a chance, give him some time." Well I did and that was the wrong thing to do. When a guy disappears for days without telling you were he went he's either cheating on you, living a double life or he's married to a wife who thinks he's a traveling salesman. I found out later that my guy was sleeping with other women, one of them a 17-year old girl (he was 31).

Chaz also reiterated many of the points I was trying to make. If the message hurt it's only because you care about the guy but I don't think he deserves your feelings.

Mimi - I commend you on the devotion you show - you are truely a prize partner! .

Therefore you deserve the same.

When I am in a situation of Heart vs Mind - I have made some pretty poor decisions.  What I do know is that my body, mind and heart have been completely exhausted by men and life and unless I benefit from my relationships I will not persue them.

I want back the same what I put in - I have no advice - just comraderie from another love sick fool.

Weigh it up - don't underestimate your worth - and insist on boundaries, respect and honesty - regardless of your past mistakes - dont make the mistake of feeling you deserve less because you have failed or some one has failed you in the past.

Good luck with it all.