***U MUST READ THIS*** Paralysis of Will | ADHD Information

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Thanks, Breedlowe, for dusting this one off.  I'm three years diagnosed,  (primarily inattentive with the occasional but strong hyperactive streak) and still go through long periods of reflection on how I got to this point, how many missed or underutilized opportunities would have made some kind of difference.  The phrase Paralysis of Will caught my eye with a very sharp hook, and needed no explanation at all.  Obviously we can't do some things in life because they are beyond the laws of physics or require an unrealistic amount of skill talent, or resources, like spend a billion dollars this weekend, become a concert violinist next month, or grow a third arm.  However, the things that don't get done here are well within my abilities, time available, and often aren't actually that boring to me.  The reason that they don't get done is exactly that brick wall.  The Adderall doesn't get rid of it, just pokes a few holes.  However, the holes don't come up consistently, and I never know if a morning will bring an opportunity to realize even a small fraction of my potential, medicated or not.  Not even sure where to beging strategizing around it.  The PsychMD writes the scrip, and in general affirms that the meds are providing me an opportunity for change, which I feel they often do.  However, I haven't consistently or effectively figured out how to utilize that opportunity. Maybe it's time to bring in an expert on this...I will try & get a Dr to post on this topic...Maybe shed some light...It's Obviously a growing(& DANGEROUS) trend...

I am battling this at present.  I am starting a new career (massage therapist) and I know what I need to be doing. I know I need to get out there, knock on some doors, make some inquiries, pass out some business cards but I am frozen in place.  I don't know why.  I suppose it's because I'm expecting to get shot down and I'm just putting off the inevitable or maybe I'm hoping I'll just happen to be in the right place at the right time and stumble into an opportunity.  In any case, by my own non-action I am asssuring my own failure.  So knowing this, why in the hell would I do iit or rather not do it.  

I used to be the same way with bills, dishes, housekeeping, projects etc.  The meds have helped a lot with the day to day motivation if I could just extend the dogged 'just do it' attitude towards my career.

 

I read somewhere (don't ask me where) that in the ADD brain, efforts to concentrate and focus actually cause a decrease in activity in those areas of the brain.  I have no idea where I read that or what the credibility of the source was, but it really rings true for me.

The more I plan to do a difficult task, the more I try to focus on it , the more I try to make myself JUST DO IT.  The less likelihood it has of getting accomplished.  Yet tasks that I don't think about, tasks that I make no effort to do, the tasks that I impulsively do on the fly are not at all difficult to finish. 

I can even anticipate from my internal dialogue what the outcome of any particular battle is going to be.  I have learned to just "let it go."  Later, after the effects caused by trying to force myself have faded, I can "sneak up on it" and complete it like any other spontaneous task.  

The very first time that it crosses my mind, I get up RIGHT THEN and do it, before I have time to think about it any further.  (Second, third and fourth attempts to force myself to do something just gets me in a downward spiral.)  No distractions, no delay, no procrastination attempts have the chance to cross my mind by the time I have already begun the task.

It doesn't work all the time.  But I have much better success when I have only two choices: 1) do it NOW, immediately, beeline or 2)  Forget about it until I have another chance to make a running start.

If it isn't a critical issue, I have learned to just accept that it hasn't happened in 34 years, It isn't going to miraculously happen now.  I get over it and go on with my life. 

 

**From ADD.ABOUT.COM's Message Board. This was originally Posted 8/13/00. I read this post for the first time about  2days ago & it cut me DEEP. I felt about the same way I felt when I first heard about ADD & found out I had it. The phrase "Paralysis of Will" fits me to a TEE...It is the MAIN source of my anguish & pain(knowing U have ALL THESE TALENTS & UNLIMITED POTENTIAL & INTELLIGENCE, yet UNABLE, UNABLE, (I want to SCREAM!) to Harness it & Rise to your FULLEST Potential & improve your station in life.) Maybe this post written over 5 yrs ago will speak to someone the way it spoke to me. I have made Bold the parts that stood out to me. Any comments feel free to email me at sams_eyes@yahoo.com

HERE IS THE POST:

"I have pretty much spent my entire weekend on forums.about.com, with most of what was left over doing web searches. I consider myself to be dynamite at doing web searches; at least never yet have I become half-convinced that there was nothing out there.
Here's what I'm after: Specific, responsible (especially if anecdotal) commentary on the block, inertia, stall, inability, or whatever you want to call it that some of us experience. Many of you have spoken of difficulty paying bills, opening mail, and getting organized in general, especially in the area of personal finances. The phenomenon I am describing, however, is frightening and taxes my ability to respond with dark humor to disasters in my own life.

Examples of what I'm talking about:

*Bills not paid until somebody calls on the phone or until service is cut off, when the money is in the bank and there is no intent to accept services w/o paying for them.

*Income tax returns late or not filed when there is no intent not to pay taxes (most paid during the year by payroll deductions anyway), and when in fact there is a belief in the tax system and what it produces for us.

*Similar credit problems when we know pretty much all there is to know about staying out of debt.

*Walking into the kitchen with several days' unwished dishes, thinking "Oh, how disgusting," and then leaving the dishes again.

The key is that in all of these scenarios you know what you need to do, you are daily appalled and shamed by your inability to move, but you j.u.s.t c.a.n.'.t m.o.v.e. You want to do it. You know that getting started is the worst part, but you don't pick up even one dish or whatever. You are frozen into immobility (literally and/or figuratively), numbed in the face of a complete lack of understanding of why you cannot even touch some of these projects.

Yes, I have made incremental progress since the ADD diagnosis a few months ago, and yes, the Wellbutrin has helped somewhat. At least the past years' tax materials are all in folders labeled 1999 or whatever. But some tax returns are not yet filed. And this remains the single most frightening, most out-of-control aspect of my life. When I examine it, I feel nothing but fear.

In the research mentioned above, and in the 10-12 books on adult ADD I have read in the past 3 months, I have seen only two brief comments that touch on the phenomenon that is much too severe and destructive to be called procrastination. They are

"When the work gets difficult or boring, it's tempting to slow down or quit altogether. You may have had this experience and found that someone jumped in for you and completed the project."
(Roberts and Jansen, Living with Attention Deficit Disorder)
Yes, a few years ago my parents "rescued" me from debt a couple of times. But I have sworn that would never happen again and it has not. My debt-load would be manageable if I would just write checks.
Still, this quotation has a certain resonance with my experience.

". . .failure to act at all-something like a paralysis of the will. The output function totally stops working. When this happens, the Adder may find himself in a frozen state, unable to take appropriate action. He may watch the softball whiz by as if he were a spectator instead of the player responsible for intercepting it. When it's time to answer someone's question, he may stand back feeling stupid, because he can't think of a response."
(Kelly and Ramundo, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!)
This is it. Although it is treated simply as one many ways in which ADDers are different, for me the classification system is way wrong. Paralysis of will, if we call it that, is much bigger and much more life-threatening than most of our differences and not, I gather, experienced by everyone. Many differences I manage not too badly; what I experience with these "blocks" in certain areas is so not just a "regular" difference.

So, the ten books and the probably 100 hours of web research didn't give me meaningful information in this area and I think you guys can handle it? You bet. So far you've always come through for yourselves and others. So won't you please tackle this one, even if the "severity" of this phenomenon in my life isn't experienced by everyone? (And yes, I know there is no "everyone," especially in ADD.)
Estiva? Nati? ShortStuff? (in alphabetical order, you notice)
Anybody? I trust you guys, please tackle this one. Maybe it'll be fun. Sure.

*end original post*

For me, here is the bottom line:

Paralysis of will, if we call it that, is much bigger and much more life-threatening than most of our differences

POW has been killing me for too long. By sharing this article, I hope to start KILLING IT INSTEAD. For anyone who suffers from this DEVASTATING & DEBILITATING ILLNESS, maybe we can kill it together.

If anyone has any further info on "P.O.W.," please email me at sams_eyes@yahoo.com

ok im not going to beat around the bush on this one....
that's why i take spweed
No beating around the bush here either..or ever..Thats why I still drink coffee in the AM with my Adderall and why I will never take a "med. holliday". bepatient38757.5829976852There are a few things that seem to be immune to medications in my life.  It is like I have some sort of internal ODD episode.  Meds help with most stuff, but they don't dent those few things that have grown some sort of brick wall in my head.

this p.o.w. (how aptly the initials work out) gets me all the time.

i get to a point in a project or task, that it seems to be all i can do to make myself JUST DO IT! sometimes it's when there is almost nothing left to be finished. other times, it's before i begin.

add&proud, i know just what you mean about the spiral and recovery. i have experienced it over a lifetime.

even worse, i have been caught up in it pretty severely for the last 2+years.

like you, i have been trying to run my own business. but the energy that goes into getting work , and then doing it is quite draining. currently, i feel like a battery that's not quite dead. not entirely empty, just can't power anything up. put me in a flashlight and turn it on. what you get is a few seconds of dim light, then i fade.

i almost responded to a thread of yours about being in a funk b/c i could relate so well. i was just so mired in this crap i couldn't even formulate a good response.

my thrust this week is to find work, at another plumbing shop. i have a great amount of anxiety about it, as i really struggle in those kinds of environments. to me it's somewhat like - well, i don't even have an analogy. it's like the feeling i imagine you would have being in a plane diving out of control towards the earth. every day is another crash landing experience. it just fuels the anxiety  that has been increasing in my mind.

the 'hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy' says the secret to flying is to go to a very high place, jump, and continually miss the earth. that is flying. i feel like every time i have tried to fly, i end up with bruises and a face full of dirt.

while i know everyone finds it taxing to look for work, work for others, and just do the things life asks of us, i have been stressed to the point of breakdown enough times that what i'm facing is more than just normal strain.

so, i am a p.o.p.o.w. (prisoner of paralysis of will).

I have noticed that while the meds have helped with the motivation they haven't helped (at least much) with the downward spiral if I experience a disappointment whether professional or personal.  I'll hit this brick wall, I wilt emotionally then it takes several days to get myself back up.  In other words, it hasn't helped the negative tape that starts playing in my head when I screw up.  I know that the perfect ideal me needs to tell the negative me to shut up but the negative one has a louder voice. Great POV, Seek!

I was a POW for 6 years.

In my last marriage...


I so feel this.....I was supposed to pay the car payment last Saturday, and I just............didn't. I knew my husband would be furious, and the more nervous I became at getting caught procrastinating, the more paralyzed I became. I finally MADE myself do it yesterday, and it was like I went to battle.

As for the "downward spiral" thing....I suffer with that too. Any setback sends me into a nearly suicidal depression. i've found that I just need to isolate myself when that happens. Over-stimulation sends me into a rage I can barely contain. Meds take the edge off, but creative outlet helps more.

TRY THIS,

IMAGINE IF U WERE SPLIT INTO TWO...

THE FIRST YOU IS THE P.O.W. YOU THAT U CURRENTLY Think U ARE.

THE SECOND YOU is THE YOU THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. THE ONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE P.O.W., matter of fact does not even PROCRASTINATE AT ALL. The second you is Smart, Good Looking, is Respected, Happy, Full of Energy, Confidence & POWER. This Second You does Not know the meaning of the word "Quit". This second You ALWAYS, 100%, without a dobt, ALWAYS SUCCEEDS.

Have The Second You Give the first You a PEP TALK. In whatever way U think That Powerful second U might sound...Nurturing, Firm...whatever. Convince that 1st You to more like that 2nd you...

If that 1st U automatically throws out a negative thought, have the 2nd You CORRECT & reverse that thought, making it POSITIVE.

GIVE IT AN HONEST TRY!

That describes me to a tee! When you figure out how to fix it, let me know.

ok im not going to beat around the bush on this one....

thats why i take speed

i'm sitting here in tears-----somebody has described what is going on in my life. i just can't understand why i can't make myself do the things i need to do. i'm new on this board today. i have often felt like there was something wrong with me, but i didn't know what. i think my family just kind of thought "christine has problems" as a teenager i remember telling my nother i needed help, i saw a psychologist who really belived in me, that was nice, but i'm still no where!!!! i have 8 children still at home. ages 2 to almost 23---the 23 year old is still at home because he seems to be an emotional cripple----wonder where he got that from.
christine

Folks! The key to getting over the paralysis (for me at least) is simplify, simplify, simplify!! Take out the "Fluff" in your life.  Remove a lot of the extra junk you have cluttering your time.  Having trouble paying the bills?  If you have 10 credit cards you may want to consider the old edward scissorhands approach and toast about 2/3rds of them.  Less cards = less struggle - am I right?

Learn the 2-letter word that is most powerful in the universe - NO.  Will you take on this extra task? NO.  Will you spend your weekend helping me move?? NO!! Will you co-sign this for me? NO!!!!!!! Learn to decide when NO works best.

Got 100 hobbies? HELL WHY?!?! Cut back a bit!

Get a huge whiteboard too - I have about 3 notepads but plan to get a whiteboard again.  Plan what you can - turf the rest because you MUST.

Make your life a bit more flat and reasonable.  Boring? Yes, but boring is easier to manage - then you can start to look at climbing the hills again.

That's my two bits anyway.

i am going through that right now. i could have gotten out of my situation. it does not have to be like this if i just stuck with my plan. the big impossible plan? go to freakin work! pay your bills! ive done it before, its been very difficult but i did it at least enough to keep the lights on and a roof over my head. ill be getting evicted any day now. getting fired probably tomorrow. house full of garbage with a trash can right outside. cant do it. its like im stuck on off. like i have no choice but to give up hope. ive missed 4 days of work in a row! i was supposed to go to a shrink today and report back to work and fill in my boss. i never made it to the shrink i was late and they cancelled. i didnt call my boss to explain that i have a new appointment for tomorrow.if i get fired i lose my insurance/chance for help. i feel like ive lost my will. i cant do it anymore, oh. mah. gah.

that's it exactly. i'm a p.o.p.o.w., too. until now, i described it as 'task
paralysis'. when i tried to explain it to the shrink, she accuses me of being
depressed, though i'm not depressed. i'm always beating myself up about
not following through and getting things done like everyone else. *sigh* i
don't know what else to say. but, yep, that's the big problem for me and
ad/hd...These errands gives me so much anxiety.


Lately I am visualising how  relaxed I will feel after  I do those things. I tell myself "you go girl you can do it,  you don't have to  but you can if you want to...Imagine how light you'll feel after you take care of this."

Sometimes these thoughts relaxes me and when I relax somehow they get easier. The more I stress more I freeze.