Okay Glen, I took your advice | ADHD Information

You answered a post of mine on the Debate board and I've taken your advice. I went to the oneaddplace and printed off the test. There are 78 questions and I answered 39, I'm not good at analyzing myself (hate it in fact). So of the 39 I answered there were 22 that were a score of 3 or more (there would probably be more if I could bring myself to answer the other questions). The test suggests that a score of 3 or more on 20 items or more indicates a strong tendency toward ADD. Whats more are the things I've read here. So much of what I have read I can relate to, it's my life! I feel like I've been eavesdropping on everyone because I read there posts and I think "OMG! I know what their saying I do that all the time." I don't feel I should post back because I haven't been dx. The whole idea, of maybe being ADD, of being dx., makes me very uncomfortable.

Anyway I finally called a psychiatrist today and made an appt. for this Tues., that is if I don't talk myself out of this. I'm really not sure about this, I'm very nervous and scared. I've spent my whole life trying not to draw attention to myself and now I feel like I'm screaming for everyone to look at me. I just really don't like this.

This isn't anything I can talk about to anybody in my life. I'm not sure I handle their response, either neg. or pos. So any further advice?

Peita, That's great! I'll check into the bamboo plant. My mom has a fern-like plant that doesn't require soil either. I'll have to check with her again to see exactly what kind of plant that is and let you know.

Bad Manners, not at all, I like red, love it, it's my favorite color

lilbitcrazy38759.9037268519Its my favorite color too

i have to apologise in advance because i have a glimmer of GlenW from a nother thread that has me allreddy on track so well forgive me but i think all this "you are on a wonderful journey" and " we are your family" stuff is a crock of old sh*t

You are better to find company in music and other structures in life that are stable and positive from good souls who mean well than from us .. we are your peers .. thats enough .

you are on a journey that is true .. but too me and i hope otheres i hope you find peace not wonder and that you can find "yourself" not just find us , if you know what i mean .

Im new to this game , but the intuitive side of me keeps reminding me that in many ways the best thing for me would be to go on a serious health retreat somewhere deeply immersed innature and far from the strangness that in the modern world . Sometimes i think the modern worls moves to fast to much change not enough stability , yet at the same time not enough progress and too much misguidence ..

i just dont know about being on a "wonderful journey" although my defence system reminds me of a saying about " going to hell in a handbag" , and i still get solstice from listening to the spirit of Elvis and other good souls , the natural world and after hours when the madness i see in mankinds busy mess goes home and the city falls silent and nature take hold again .

i hope you find more of yourself and are able to create a piece of heaven in what can be a hellish world .

2tone - Many of us feel like we are family here. I think Glen is genuine in his posts. If you read many of his posts, you will see he tells it like he thinks it.

Finding yourself in music, art, writing, whatever is a great idea. Whatever it takes to express yourself. I have found this board has really helped me along with my art, poetry and music. I have found friends here when I had none nowhere else. They accepted me, even when I was at my worst.
I am a moody person, go into depressions and can relate to what you are saying. Many of my posts have been negative too.
This world can be a hellish place to be. I agree with that. If you can go on retreat and into nature, do it. What better way to find some peace, get some rest and get in touch with yourself. Write, you definitely have have a talen there.

Lilbitcrazy, I found a plant I dont kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its one of those lucky bamboo plants that dont have soil just these little pebble things instead.

It must be the soil not the plant I have trouble with.

Sorry for the very bad manners with writing in red, I didnt realise til I finished

I almost had myself talked out of this appt. I am feeling better (been taking st. johns, couple weeks, seems to be helping), telling myself all I need to do is buckle down, stop worrying so much about myself, in other words grit my teeth and keep doing my best. The problem is my best is not always good enough.

Then I did it again!! Last night I was late picking my daughter up from the dance. It ended at 11:30 and I thought 12. I don't know how I got that idea in my head, my daughter says she told me 11:30, I don't recall her telling me that. Now that I think about it they do get over at 11:30. This is a terrible feeling, letting your children down, the panic of where is my child. She tells me it's okay it just scares her when I don't show up. My other daughter gave me hell, saying well you've done it to me all the time.

Whats worst is I don't even "beat myself" up over it anymore. I mean I feel horrible over it for my daughter who stood outside freezing and then got a ride with the Principle, but I just can't ..... I don't know. Do you understand??? It happens so many, many times and carrying the guilt is to much to stand-up with. I always brush it off, wipe the slate clean and resolve to do better, to be better. Don't make a big deal out of it and maybe no one else will. The endless cycle.

Alright enough with the pity, pity for me.

I really resisted therapy and treatment. I would think all sorts of things that sounded like good reasons to leave therapy. I had one good day and I was "better" or I had a big flash of insight and that was "the answer I needed" or my therapist poked my sore spots and I just plain don't want to go there... But the very best therapist I ever had was on to me. She persuaded me to promise that no matter how I felt, that I would at least come in one more time and talk about it.

So I did. Sometimes I really felt cornered, because I knew that she was going to call my BS. During those times, I would often walk into her office and start the session with, "I really don't want to talk to you about it and I am really angry can't you ever give me a break?" I don't even recall what her responses were - I was usually so wound up that everything was a blurr. I vaguely remember that she never failed to recognize EXACTLY what set me off. There were a few times that I almost flaked rather than go in for that "last session."

When I began seeing her, I wouldn't have dreamed of showing anyone my feelings. I really hated therapy for a long time, but I trusted my therapist even when she messed up all my defense mechanisms. Now that all is said and done, she was the one who showed me that I have the courage to face my feelings without fear. Anyone who knows me now would laugh at the idea of me being shy and withdrawn.

LBC - Oooohh eerie feeling again, I was just now looking to see if you posted and suddenly you popped up.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting it to happen NOW. I remember going to therapy and feeling like I don't want to go through all the BS of the past, just tell me how to fix it now so we can be done with it. And then I would get these wonderful insights from her or get things off my chest, and for the next 2 weeks I would be thinking about what I forgot to say or how I should have said it or what I'm going to say next and did she really understand what I meant . On and on. But having said all that, it still helped me a lot. I just am not a long-term thinker, so when I see a problem it's like okay I'm going to fix it NOW!! but all this stuff has built up for 30+ years so it won't completely change in a day, and remembering that might help.

And don't worry, I know what you meant about your kids. It sounds like you're doing really well with them. Confession: I have a son and I'm starting to think he's like me in a lot of ways, but I'm afraid to look at it until I get a better understanding of all of this...I feel guilty about it, though. He's doing fine right now (he's 8) but I did okay until about age 12 and then it got so hard...so I feel like I'm trying to learn all I can so I can help him as he gets a little older...I still feel overwhelmed by this whole thing sometimes.

Sorry I got off track...I would say just think about getting to the next appointment and then go from there. I understand the fear of putting yourself out there...and sometimes they don't understand, but when you open up you're letting go of a little bit of that burden you're carrying around inside yourself. It just takes time (unfortunately).

Okay, I got the first meeting behind me and that's all it pretty much was. The paper work, some background info and as I'm dealing with depression that was the main focus. It was nerve racking and difficult. We touched on a few sore spots, and he said that there's more he wants to get into. Ugh, drag out all the old skeletons and examine them, Grrr.....I'd rather leave them buried!! I understand the need to examine the past, I just don't like it.

The next appt., in two weeks...You see this is a problem. I get an idea to do something and I want it to happen now, this dragging it out, meeting every 2 weeks just makes it harder. I mean who knows when I might change my mind and decide I don't really need therapy, that what I really need to do is???? Who knows what incredible discovery I'll make and decide that, that's the answer to my problems. I change my mind all the time, I have recently discovered that I do not follow through on anything. The only thing I have is my kids and well that's obvious because you can't just change your mind and decide that you don't want to do this. Well, many people do I guess but I could never walk away from them. PLEASE don't misunderstand me, I love my kids very much and would never change the fact that I have them. I just keep trying, with no real consistency. I give my kids full credit for keeping me grounded (so to speak), I shudder to think where I might be without them.

ANYWAY, at the next appt. he'll have paper work for me to fill out, for me and my daughter. I want a full evaluation on her for ADHD, I see her making mistakes the same as I made and it scares me. I want so much more for her.

You see Sassee, this is where the fear sets in. You put little pieces of yourself out there and then begin to fear that someone will misunderstand, or perhaps you didn't explain well enough. At least here your not face to face. That helps some!

Hi Lena, welcome...I hope the Adderall works well for you. Let us know how you're doing.

I've registered for this site for the first time today b/c I too have actually had a recent discussion with my phsychiatrist. I feel like I've been dealing with it alot throughout the years (or not dealing with it really) and once my son was diagnosed two years ago, I thought, "I better check this out". I didn't want everyone to know so I've been visiting my psychiatrist on "the sly" if you will. I took the test and his eyes just about popped out of his head. He immediately prescribed Adderrall XR for me but is starting me off with 10 mg a day. I haven't started taking it yet but only b/c my insurance was giving me some push back on it.

I'm anxious to see how it works for me. My son is taking 20mg a day and it has been awesome for him. We started him with Strattera and it worked for about 6 months and then it kind of went *poof*! We made the change late spring of 2005 and it has been incredible. I too don't want alot of attention drawn to it. I haven't even told my boss or my husband simply because I don't know what the reaction will be. I'm glad I'm not the only adult that has felt this way. I feel better about even my intial reactions to the diagnosis.

Thanks I needed that laugh! I've been worrying about this appt. all day. Which by the way I needed to get going for. Wish I could carry your smiley little voice with me instead of this negative, nag that won't shut-up!

I'll let you know later. Probably a lot of worry over a very simple first meeting.

[QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]sassee, I know I would like to speak to my husband but???? I don't know maybe after my appt. I'll be able to say something to him. He thinks I'm a dingbat, already! I'm not sure if he would be supportive and I think I'm dealing with depression as well. He doesn't deal well with things like this. Everything to do with the kids fall to me because he just can't cope with it, I guess.

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I know what you mean...I waited a little while after my dx to talk to him about it - and then I just wrote it down and let him read it and we talked later. He usually needs time to think about things like this - at first he always kind of freaks out and then wants to fix it for me, etc., but then after he thinks about things a little while he ends up being supportive, even if he really doesn't understand. So maybe just wait until you're more comfortable with the whole situation before taking on his feelings about it, too. You have a lot to sort out in your mind right now.

I'm like you also with not liking to think about the past...I remember deciding with my therapist that I just wanted to focus on things I can do to help myself NOW instead of going over the past - I don't think it helps me at all to go over my dumb mistakes. I guess maybe I've been avoiding all of that, and I ran into someone recently who reminded me of a bad time in my life and it just sucked thinking about that stuff again. But you know, I was able to forgive myself about some of it, too, and I think it's because I have a better understanding of myself now and better insight into dealing with things that upset me. I don't know what I'm going on and on about now, it's just when I read your posts it really strikes a chord with me and I can feel how nervous you are about getting into this whole thing and I can just totally relate. Keep us updated - I would really like to know what happens with you and how you're doing.

Oh, Peita sorry to hear that, all that work gone and that would be embarrassing. It would be hard to cover up that blunder! I've lost some plants but mostly I can only grow hardy things that don't die easily. I don't plant corn anymore, apparently bouts of drought and over watering are not good for sweet corn!! And the kids love sweet corn! Ah, well!!

lilbit - enough with the pity party! Yes it bites that you missed an important thing like picking up daughter. Yes it bites more that she had to get a ride with the principal (though I'm glad and am sure you are that principal was caring enough to do that instead of phoning and freaking out). But you can turn this into a positive influence!

I took the stuff I was messing up with and kept reminding myself of it in order to get the help that my anxiety kept me from working towards. That and my uncles all passing, my family going away - it all was kept fresh in my mind by sheer will. I'm sure you know that we tend to try hard to erase the bad stuff. I do for sure.

Take the frustration you are feeling and funnel it straight into your appointment. Write down how it made you feel - how the night went as it will help to cement the diagnosis.

Also - know that it gets better. You'll be able to use this as a watermark to be able to say "look back - I was a mess here - and now I'm so much better!".

So don't pity yourself. You are now in a place where you can get the help you so desire. You'll find what you need and just reach out and take it ok?!?

Oh and 2tone? You don't have a clue about me and that's ok. I know you all too well. And for the love of pete use the spell checker you come off like a 4 year old. Actually I could spell better at 4 so I won't insult the younger ones - just figure out how to spell as it's bothersome.

As for me being - as you put it - "a crock of old sh*t"? - you don't have the history or credit here to even begin to judge me. I judge actions not people and your actions have left me with a very good idea of what kind of Troll you are.

Sorry lilbit - but 2tone is getting on my last nerve.

Good luck tomorrow! Taking the first step is always the hardest, but believe us when we say it does get sooo much better. I once had a hard time admitting to my painful mistakes. It was pretty depressing to do a complete inventory on all of my faults and failures. But mental health professionals have heard it all, and they never judge a person by their symptoms.

In fact, my doctors and therapists have always been the ones to see the real me. The real me that tries hard, has good potential, and needs help to get out of the maze inside my head. It is scary to open up, and I hope you give yourself miles of credit for your willingness to do so. Your courage opens the door to a happier, fuller life not only for yourself, but for your children too. We are cheering for you!

2tone, I'm sorry you've had a disagreement with Glen. I find his posts to be intelligent and helpful.

I first came here to better help my kids, but I think I am starting to find myself. That would be a wonderful thing, to finally know myself. While in the process of finding myself, it is helping a great deal to have people who do understand.

My appt is tomorrow and I'm sure its just a preliminary, medical background etc.

I will do this despite how foolish I feel. It's better to find out regardless of the out come. I just have a hard time admitting my mistakes and failures and so I know this will be very difficult for me. I've been in hiding, so to speak, all my life.

In helping myself then I will be better able to help my kids and be the mother they need and deserve.

You'll be asked a lot of questions lil - just be honest as you would be here. Tell them the truth and you'll get more from the experience. Even if it feels embarassing or some kind of shame. Remember they are there to help not to judge you.

And yes - helping you helps all others in your circle. What could be better for a family than mom feeling more normal and *gasp* happy!

Just be open and remember the fact that this is all to help you - there will be no retaliations on you and by law they can't speak about what you say to another human being -ever.

I hope to hear back that all went well!! If nothing else it may be a big brick off your back as you let out how you've felt.. I get the feeling you haven't been honest about how that is for a long time. I know my first meeting was teary-eyed and ultimately cathartic. A very relieving experience.

Best wishes!

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Good for you LBC. Like you, I have a very hard time admitting my mistakes and failures, even to myself, and since my diagnosis, I've been forcing myself to do this. It is so hard but it gets better and easier - and believe it or not it's such a relief to come out of hiding. I opened up to a friend of mine recently who has known me for about 15 years, and she was so surprised but so wonderful and said to me "you don't have to try and be perfect all the time - everyone feels rejected and stupid sometimes, it's no big deal." The funny thing is, allowing myself to feel stupid and embarrassed and admitting that to someone else took so much of the sting out of it - if I had kept it inside like usual I would have obsessed about it and built it up so much more in my mind. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I've made a new discovery - "I can be honest with myself and others and I won't get pounded for it!" So, I just wanted to share that with you because I hope you can find this out, too...and I hope you get some good insight and comfort from your appointment.

Also, posting here has helped so much with me being able to open up to people in my everyday life - I have been testing out the waters here in a way - every time I post something personal I sort of feel like I'm holding my breath until I read the responses (are they going to reject me?) - I might be boring everyone , but they aren't rejecting me or laughing at me or making me feel like I'm failing or a weirdo, and it has given me confidence to start opening up more with friends and family, so maybe this can help you, too.

Let us know how your appointment goes, okay?

Sassee, Its almost as if you looked inside me and read my thoughts and feeling. Its kind of eerie really, the way you voiced some of my fears. Maybe your the little voice that lives in my head just kidding!!

The part about posting here and waiting for a rejection, I do the same thing. Worried that someone will jump all over me for something and point out how stupid I am. Always fearful to read the answers to my posts.

I will obsess about my mistakes, like you said. Maybe if I'd done this, said this??? On and on the scene will play inside my head and that little voice will carry on until I feel half crazy. I get so tired of hearing myself that I tell myself to shut-up!! Can we PLEASE think about something else??

Reisa, Glen, and Sassee you all really seem to understand what it is I'm feeling. Its nice to have that validation that what I'm feeling is okay. Thanks I really appreciate all your kind words.

Ah, I can breathe now, you related to my post! It's such a good feeling... every time I read your posts I think "Hey that's ME! That's how I feel!!" I get so excited when someone says something that I can relate to and I just want to post post post post. It makes me realize how bottled up I have really been, and now all of this stuff is just spilling out, and it's such a relief. I was only diagnosed 2 months ago so all these feelings are like exciting new discoveries.

This is your little voice saying I think you're going to do really well.

I know how you feel. I was a nervous wreck when I saw the doctor, and I also HATE have attention focused on me and it was really hard for me but I'm glad I went because I feel so much better with the diagnosis and the medication...

I also don't like to talk about this with anybody in my life, and I didn't even like talking about it to my husband. I haven't told anyone else at all, not friends or family - I just can't stand the thought of them looking at me and asking questions and all that stuff. This is one of the reasons I like coming to this board - it's so much easier for me to communicate here with people who know about it, and it helps me work some of this out in my mind.

So it's okay to be nervous and scared, it's a kind of a big deal because if you find out you have it, that means you have to deal with it, but you're certainly not alone if you do have ADD. Just remember that if your psychiatrist isn't helpful and understanding then go find another one who is helpful. And feel free to post here whether you have the dx or not.

I left our 'water saving' drip system on for almost a week!! I killed all MY plants with too much water

Thank you for your support it helps. This has been driving me crazy the last few weeks. I came here looking for ways to help my kids and now all I think about is what if I'm add too. I just can't sort it out in my mind and I'm second guessing my whole life. I'd like to put the blinders back on and forget the whole idea.

I just hate the idea of dragging out all the old skeletons. So many things I'd rather not think about much less talk about. Just embarrassing the stupid things I've done. Its a fear of the unknown (the dr. and whats to happen at this appt) and a fear of having to come clean and admit some truths about myself.

sassee, I know I would like to speak to my husband but???? I don't know maybe after my appt. I'll be able to say something to him. He thinks I'm a dingbat, already! I'm not sure if he would be supportive and I think I'm dealing with depression as well. He doesn't deal well with things like this. Everything to do with the kids fall to me because he just can't cope with it, I guess.

anni, its some of your posts that have gotten my attention. I read them and laugh because its me, then I think hey wait maybe that's not really so funny!!

Like the one about the plants. I love plants but I can't have them because they all die, I forget to water them. All the wonderful plants the kids have brought home from school over the years for mothers day, I don't have a single one. I'll buy flowers or plants for the yard and won't get them planted. I plant a garden in the summer and most times I forget to water it, its a good thing mother nature helps out. But when I remember to water I more than makeup for the times I forgot. I'll be laying in bed a night wondering what is that noise?? Why does it sound like the waters on??

Glenn, proud of myself? I think I have a ways to go but I would like to be. Your encouragement and support is comforting. It means more than you could know. Thanks

I was nervous too, when I went to the dr's. But I was more anxious to know if I had ADD or not.

I felt like he asked a lot of questions and I failed the test. That makes me a little crazy, because I do well in school and I don't like failing things. But it was such an eye opening experience for me that I think the trade is well worth it.

I hope your appointment goes well.

Don't worry about posting here if you are not dx. There are many people on here who think they have ADD but are not dx.

lilbit - be proud of yourself!!

You've taken the first step on a truly wonderful journey.

Don't be so anxious about talking to a therapist. They are there to help YOU. When you talk to them tell them that you are nervous and they will help you relax and get off your chest what you are holding there. They are required by law to never speak to anyone else what you tell them unless you say so in advance. So you can tell them anything. Tell what you feel comfortable telling just remember that the more you tell the better they can help you.

They won't be negative. Feelings are neither positive or negative they'll simply talk to you about how things make you feel and how possibly you can change your behavior to make things work better.

Just take some deep breaths and take that leap! And you might want to take a notepad and write down some of the things you wish to talk about so you don't get sidetracked or lose your courage at the last minute.

And remember - I've been there - most of us have and it's not bad at all! You're with family now and we LOVE you!