ADD’r married to a perfectionsit | ADHD Information

Sorry if I went on and on Chris .  I should just let you vent more without me getting into my whole life story .  If you ever wanna talk or vent more feel free to PM me and I'll try really hard to shut up and listen. 

ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder?    That's very hard to deal with. 

Your man could be OCD....you mentioned he had ADHD as a child and maybe OCD has become his coping strategy like ogram said - I don't have a dx of OCD but the way I cope with ADD is to be obsessed and rigid about cleaning and doing things in a certain order...

My perfectionist DH seems to lean more towards Bipolar Disorder, I think, but I don't know a lot about it.  My DH's mom has diagnosed Bipolar Disorder and they are so alike, not that it means he has it for sure, but his moods do go up and down a lot and he has unreasonable expectations of people depending on the mood - is your husband like that?

sassee38761.5747106482

I need opinion, advice, thoughts on, what ever. I am married to a perfectionist, an unrealalistic one if you ask me. Im Inattentive ADD. He "had" ADHD when he was little, and now the docs say he is fine. Are any of you in the same boat? there is no consideration for my ADD, NOT that i have used it as an excuse, but we have been aware of this for about 2 or 3 months now, and he has no desire to look up any info on it. He wants everything done around the house pERFECT and if i "miss" something, ex. i do daycare, i have a "stage" down stairs for the kids, they broke a small peice of wood off, i have never thought of looking in it to see of they are stuffing things down there, last night he did. Found candy wrappers etc. and they arent allowed to have foods down there, anyway i was told how i am a failure, all i do is make excuses, that i say " im sorry i hadnt thoguth of that" all the time, and so on, pretty mcuh told me im a looser, told me to move out, even tho i have gone threw 2 notebooks in 2 months writing reminders down for myself and to do lists so i dont "forget" things, but, i cant please him, 8 years of this, and i thougth MAYBE with this diagnosis if he looked into it and saw i wasnt just trying to make excuses that i really do have an issue and it is harder for me to remember things etc. then it is for "normal" people, he might loosen up a little, it hasnt happend, so, any advice, how can i approach himn with this and say hey, you need to rea dup on this and maybe then you will see why thigs are difficult for ,me, dunno, please advise if anyone has had this probem!

christi

i can tell you this- though it won't sound good.

you won't ever be able to please him. it's not b/c you are not good enough. it's b/c his standard of acceptable keeps moving.

you said it yourself, nothing is ever good enough. that's b/c he is so focused on the miniscule amount of imperfection, he is blind to the huge percentage of perfection, or where the standards are met.

secondly, i have observed that people who are like that generally are like that b/c it is so hard for them to meet the standards branded into their psyche, that every 'imperfection' around them threatens their control of their own imperfection. i have been like this myself.

in other words, imagine one of those action movie scenes, where the hero is hanging on a fraying rope. if he lets go, or the rope breaks, he plummets to his death in a pool of swirling, fiery, lava. to make things even more dicey, the villain is hanging onto his coattails, weighing our hero down, imperiling him even more.

what's our hero going to do? well, he's going to try and cut the villain loose, and try to climb, or swing, to safety.

it's imperfection that is his archenemy, and sometimes he sees you as working for the enemy.

you're not a loser. you're not the archenemy, or one of the enemy's henchmen. you're you. he can deal with it, or get off your back. you are doing everything you know how to do, to be more like the person both of you would like you to be.

while he thinks he needs you to be more like what he thinks he needs you to be, you need him to cut you some slack, be a little more accepting. you are doing your part.

seeker6338758.4234490741

Chris -

I agree with seeker that you won't be able to please him...and I really don't think there are any words you can say that will make him understand.  I think it's a heckuva lot easier for him to blame you for stuff than look at himself.  At the beginning of my marriage, my husband was pretty hard on me like that and I didn't know I had ADD either, so it got rocky sometimes.  But I got to the point where I basically said "okay this is me, I'm doing the best I can, you either love me or you don't, and if you don't, then I'll be happier by myself not listening to your sh*t all day and trying to please someone who can't be pleased."  And things are a lot different now, but I think it took me stopping trying to please him and getting some frickin' self-esteem and realizing I don't need him - or in other words I want him in my life if he's adding something to it but I don't need him if he's not.  I don't know if I'm giving good advice or not but I know how you feel, and I think you have to help yourself and forget about making him understand.   What I really want to say is f**k him if he asked you to leave, just say bye bye and don't look back,  but I know that isn't mature or appropriate advice  so just ignore that last sentence, it just makes me mad seeing how he's making you feel. 

Hey Chris. I sympathize with your "relationship with a perfectionist". For the past 3.5 years I was living with a boyfriend who is not a perfectionist for most of the world's standards, yet I just could not live up to 'normal' expectations on a continuous basis. When we were new, he thought my carelessness was "cute" or "playful" or me making some kind of statement about how much work I wanted to do, but later on, he was just annoyed. At first were all lovey dovey but then that inevitable broken record conversation came along and ruined everything:

Him: You are not even trying!
Me: How do you know when I'm trying!!!
Him: Just look around! If that's trying you are crazy!
Me: Well then I'm crazy. But Don't tell me I'm not trying!
Him: I just can't live like this anymore.
Me: I'm sorry..

etc etc... conversation varies. We are broken up now. There are just so many times a person can apologize without damaging themselves by internalizing all the criticism.

So--about an ADHD/perfectionist relationship----mine did not work, and he was hardly a perfectionist.


Oh but Chris, your case sounds like you actually are putting a whole lot of effort into the jobs that you are doing, and anything you do to improve is bound to not be enough. He seems to be the one who needs help here, not you. Does he always need someone to criticize? What happens if he is happy with something, does he even say it and how often??Don't let yourself get beat up. xoxo
GarbagePailKid38761.1261689815

I appreciate all the advice and opinions, I guess i should have explained better, my hubby and i are going threw, well not yet, repairing us, we split up about 1 year ago, he left, he was the one who had the gutts to do so. So when we decided to try againn by my realizing i was an idiot and begging him to come back, we both knew it would be hard, and he is still harboring resentment etc. towards me, and he told me it would take time for him to get over things, and it would be this way until we basically fall in love again, and i was more then aware this is how it would be. In short i was nonattentive, non touchy feely, non anything for him, i mean i was bla, boring and told him for real, for 8 years i wasnt in love with him and never would be becasue i was so hurt from my first marriage, but when he said see ya, i realized how bad i had hurt him for so long, so as childish and unfair as it sounds, and believe me feels, i figure i goota go threw the crap to get to the flowers u know? i was just wondering if anyone else had this type of relationship where the mate was a normal person, and a perfectionist on top of it, so how the heck do ADD'rs handle it? i mean, especially in our boat where he has no room for undertsanding or anything, so i was thinking of emailing him so he can read at his conviance the key sympotoms of my problem , inattentive add, and then maybe he might , in the future retain that info and file it, then when he isnt so resentful towards me and is ready to start totally fresh and catch up with me, that it may help us out, i just dont knwo for sure how to go about it, but thanks you guys for all your advice and not one of your opinions offended me, the fact is we have been disfunctional from day one, (member the saying never have a relationship w/someone u have a one night stand with that u meet in a bar???) and regardless if he jumps on the better yourself band wagon i am on or not, i was just wondering how to deal with it. thanks

christi

I'm adhd, 34 and I have some very strong words of wisdom for you.  I have actually turned my adhd into ocd.  Probably a bit of both.  While I agree with every one about how he treats you, you might want to try a different approach.  My husband has a VERY hard time living up to my standards, too.  After we were married for about 3 years, my dh decided I was way too demanding.  He told me so.  Right after I "re" washed the dishes he had just washed.  He asked "why did you wash them again?"  I had no real good answer.  lmao  Ask you hubby if HE thinks he might have ocd.  Don't ask when you are arguing or if either of you are upset or under any stress.  In fact, I'd start out with this question about myself.  Ask him if he thinks you have ocd.  That plants the seed in his mind about ocd.  Point out some thing that you have done more than once in a day (like check if the lights are off, or if the plants are watered).  Then, He will be aware of ocd and what it is.  Tell him that ADD or ADHD people can have it and not know it.  Then after a few days, he might see it in himself, if that's the case, you are home free.  It's just a thought.  I hope it helps.

I got to go and make sure I turned the stove off.

Thanks guys. He needs some help too believe me. But what is OCD? My son has ODD, i think, god, i cant even remember the name,  any way newly diagnosed. In short i know i will never live up to his standards, noone could, yet he says he knows plenty, yeh, lets see if he lives with them for 8 years has 3 kids runs a daycare and lets see how perfect they are, anyways, had to vent, thanks guys,

christi

OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder.  with that, a person is VERY obsessive.  I have it.  I mostly make things so clean, it's sickening to every one else.

But Chris, basically the terms you are basing your relationship on are: 

You are an idiot and he is perfect and you deserve anything he dishes out from now on because of it. 

No, no, no, no!  It's not right.  You can e-mail him with the symptoms and maybe he will understand a little better, very true.  But what difference does it make?  You are still begging and getting no respect from this man.  There is no equality, no working together.  Why is he even there?  Does he think he's doing you a favor? 

You have a disorder.  Okay.  So what.  It's not going to go away, and it does not make you less worthy of respect.  The only thing you have is your self-esteem and you can't hand that to him as a present to make everything better between you.  He isn't going to have more respect for you knowing the ins and outs of your disorder.  He might respect someone who says "I'm sorry I hurt you in the past, but I'm doing my best now and I expect my husband to treat me well."  At the very least you will respect yourself and that is a lot more important right now.  The rest will come if you start by respecting yourself and expecting decent treatment. 

Sorry for the long post but this hits me in personal way - it took me a while to figure out that even though I forget things and I'm not thinking of my DH's needs 24 hours a day I still deserve the respect due to me and my position as Wife - (not to mention Human Being).  And I'm here to tell you that he treats me better and loves me more because I expect and demand for him to treat me in the way that I want to be treated - because truly, why do I need him if he doesn't???? Why?  I am hard enough on myself as it is and I can tell you are too.  I don't need to hear it from him and I won't anymore.  If I were in front of you I would make you look me in the eyes and I would tell you that you have paid the price for the past and now it's done!!  And I would refuse to give you a list of symptoms of ADD inattentive because I don't think it's the thing to focus on at this point ---- you don't need his sympathy or understanding right now, you need his respect (and you need to respect yourself) !!!

Sorry have I been yelling?   Am I taking this a little too personally?   I can't help it - this is kiiillllllliinnnngggg me - I want to help you so much Chris.  Must......let......go.......now.......must......shut........ up......

I was listening to an NPR online show where they interviewed the doctor (whatsisname) who wrote "Delivered from Distraction."  He said, "Well, men are usually in that river in Egypt called Denial."  If he didn't have you to pick on, what would he be forced to think about instead?  *cough* HIMSELF.  Stop giving him an out.  He will either come to the conclusion that he is being a jerk, or he won't and you are better off without him.  Life is too hard to make it even harder by surrounding yourself with people who bring you down.  You can find people who bring you down anywhere, there is one on every street corner.  You deserve a caring spouse who will at least attempt to understand you. 

He's a jerk and you'd be better off without him! You do not deserve what this man is giving you!!!

And I tell you what, any man who puts down his wife is a man that has no spine of his own.  The only way he feels good about himself is to put you down. 

I don't know your financial circumstances but if you can make it on your own I'd be telling him to leave...not visa versa.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.    And I can't help but wonder if your husband ever had ADHD...I can't help but think this is his way of another put down...like if he can "grow" out of it ....so can you. Just my humble and perhaps "reaching" opinion. 

After all the down right disgusting things he's said to and about you, do you still love him? Did he ever treat you with the respect you deserve not only as his wife but as a human being? Or has he always behaved this way towards you and you thought that maybe you could change to please him?

Sorry for all the questions but that's what Id be asking myself if it came to deciding on my life from today onwards.

I also hope that made sense as Ive just finished a 12 hour shift