What’s the point? | ADHD Information
TheDog, I wasn't yelling at you (or anyone here, for that matter). Sorry if it sounded like I was. I'm just frustrated.
T. - I did try to empathize with you. Remember, I posted about how when I was diagnosed more than a decade ago (back when it was NOT a fad and almost no one was diagnosed), I asked for counseling and coaching and was turned down. I understand - I've been there.
And, since my add was diagnosed before most, I wasn't sure about it so I had multiple opinions done that included questions and answers, a full day of testing, and images of activity of my brain under different circumstances, etc.
Even after multiple diagnosis, I ended up coping terribly for a while. I still have some problems sometimes and I work on my coping strategies everyday. However, I've known about my add for a long time now. I think it often takes a long time to learn how to cope.
I did eventually get what I needed in terms of treatment. However, like you, I also wish that the world would have stopped for several years for me - and it didn't. The other things are out there - the counseling, coaching, medication, organizers, etc. You have to start somewhere.
As far as disability insurance is concerned, I think you can get that if you are deemed disabled as a result of your add/comorbid conditions. However, as far as I know, you're right about add in employment - it is very rare for people to successfully negotiate accommodations in the work environment. At this point, I accept that as my reality and try to do my own accommodating.
By the way, at least some amputees seem to make no point of letting people know about it, and if you saw them in pants, you probably wouldn't know. (I am not an amputee myself. It's just an example from my experience being around someone else.)
Psychgirl - Incidentally, I'm not the person you're really upset with ... I've been there too.
TheDog38766.4358680556
[QUOTE=TheDog]I never really wanted the sympathy. I just wanted to make my life work.[/QUOTE]
So true.. but sometimes we all need a little sympathy. I prefer to call it empathy. It's part of what makes us human. If I'm in a funk and someone can empathise with me, it just helps me get back on track faster and helps me get motivated.
Here is one of my favorite quotes I read somewhere a few years back:
"ADHD is not an excuse, it's a reason"
[QUOTE=TheDog]
I never really wanted the sympathy. I just wanted to make my life work.
[/QUOTE]Ditto. In fact I've never told anyone except my wife and rarely discuss it by now with her.
[QUOTE=Reisa]
All of my life people gave me advice and told me what to do -- and I tried it their way and failed. It wasn't my ADHD that made me fail, it was trying to do things their way that made me fail.
[/QUOTE]Someone on the radio said today:
"Our culture worships individuality, but doesn't tolerate it."
I can dig it.
[quote]"Our culture worships individuality, but doesn't tolerate it."[/quote]
Wow. So, so, so true.
In the back of my mind, I'm realizing that I would like something that no one can give me: I want the world to stop for about 2 months so I can CATCH UP! Of everything, this is the one thing I want most in the world. I realize that people really don't give a sh*t if I'm having a hard time, but damn it, if others get accommodation, training, counseling, therapy for their disabilities, the least I want is an opportunity to catch up.
In TheDog's analogy about the amputee, the amputee has the opportunity to get disability insurance, a bevy of physical, occupational, and psychological counselors, a PROSTETIC, for goodness sake, to help him out. There is no prosthetic for us, no disability insurance so we can take a couple weeks off to straighten out our lives. I'm in no way saying that I'd want to trade places or that amputees have it easy; I'm just saying that the help they get is real! They don't just get a list of suggestions to try and a lecture about how they aren't coping well.
One question, and maybe someone should post it in a new thread: how come other ADDers seem to cope so well and others don't? Is it meds? Is that the real difference? Is it support from others like spouses and employers? Is their ADD less pronounced? Do they just have better coping skills?
Sheesh-I'm mad for you! In my opinion ADD has gotten so Mainstream that people who actually have ADD are suffering for it. Unlike a person who has lost a leg or something, people can not visably see our disabilty. You know it seems like Everyone is ADD or BP these day, but it's simply not true. Those of us who generally suffer from ADD are completely misunderstood. "try harder" "suck it up" S**t if it were that easy!!!& not like we haven't heard that our entire lives! I know that most people have the completely WRONG idea of ADD. The depression that comes with it is at times disabling, self-doubt, unorganized existance...CAN'T be helped by WILL POWER! Nobody but the ADDer knows what it's like to live this way. Youv'e got support from us, because we walk in the same misunderstood shoes! (If we can find them)
The Psychiatrist that I see also told me I was coping very well with it and was an intelligent young women blah blah blah and I think you should use a diary Blah Blah Blah.
My next appointment my husband came with me and told her how well I really did COPE. Dinner not ready til 9pm (got distracted and forgot Id even started dinner) All house chores constantly half done, our three year old still awake at 10pm cos we were plating games and I dont have any sense of time etc etc etc
That session she put me on medication.
Just got my official ADD diagnosis yesterday. The recommendation? Learn to live with it.Basically I got a lecture from the psychologists saying that I'm intelligent enough to figure out how to live with ADD. One said that I am "surviving, not thriving" (no duh!) and that I haven't learned any coping skills. Or rather, I've only learned bad ones like drinking.
Then, when I told my friend about the diagnosis today, he agreed with the psychologists and essentially said that ADD is an excuse for people's behaviors.
Finally, I went back to find TheDog's thread about "What I wish I Had Known," and the ADDers were pretty much saying the same thing-- ADD is just a little teeny-tiny problem and we just have to suck it up.
I'm extremely miffed by all of this. While a little sympathy and understanding would have been nice, I mostly hoped to get some real direction about how to deal with my shortcomings. I spent hours in an office getting tested, only to be told to suck it up and figure it out on my own.
What's the point of figuring out what our issues are if there is no help for it? I feel like I'm being called the biggest slacker and that my loser-dom is totally deserved because I haven't learned to "suck it up" yet. What the f*ck???
That's it! No sympathy from me for anyone any more!!! Wheelchair-bound people, you slackers! Figure out how to use those stairs, no one is going to build a stupid ramp for you! Schizophrenics! Put those extra personalities to work!
Just kidding. But, yeah, I'm mad and feeling a bit like I'm adrift at sea. taritac38764.8069791667I didn't get the sense that the doctor didn't understand ADD. And they did give me a list of strategies to try (keep a calendar, buy an alarm clock, blah, blah, blah, the same old sh*t). I guess I was looking for something more.
And my friend can sometimes be a real bastard. He's the most judgmental person I know and has sabotaged many relationships because people aren't as perfect as he thinks they should be. I don't expect him to ever try to understand because he decides what people are or should be without really knowing anything about them. His whole attitude when I told him about my ADD was, "you are so smart; you couldn't possibly have ADD. You just need to try harder." Asshole, I already AM trying harder and getting no results!
Yes, you are RIGHT bepatient-- a little sympathy and understanding go a hell of a long way! Understanding does not mean giving someone a "free pass," but it does help to know that they are in your corner and willing to help if they can. Even if they can't help, it helps to know that at least someone doesn't think your screw ups are just because you're a screw up!
This board is supportive. We give sympathy when someone needs it, and we give unvarnished honesty when someone asks for it. Dog asked us to share our hard truths in that thread, so we did. I hadn't ever told anyone how I truly felt until that post.
No one here has said just "suck it up," not those of us with ADHD. None of us would consider ADHD a "little" problem.
Meds help, therapy helps, understanding and support helps. There are whole truckloads of advice out there. This board is full of people talking about their problems honestly. There is no magic cure, and ADHD does not go away. Realizing that sucks, we have all been there. It hurts to realize the full extent of our limitations.
But after I had cried and indulged in self pity until I was annoyed with myself, I started making changes. It wasn't easyADDers are inflexible in their quirkyness a lot of times. But I solved one problem at a time, gradually my life has changed for the better. More importantly, the way I feel about myself has changed for the better. Understanding the enemy is half the battle. Diagnosis doesn't make ADHD go away, but it does give you a big neon sign pointing to the source of the problem.
non-ADHDers say: "Suck it up."
ADHDers say: "It doesn't go away. Self pity is worse than the ADHD itself."
You have to decide for yourself which one you listen to.
You are not alone, and I hope this helped somehow. ((((hugs))))
I remember after my diagnosis more than a decade ago, I asked for counseling and coaching (not by that name) and I was told I shouldn't need that if it was add. However, when I finally got it, much later, it really did help.
I never really wanted the sympathy. I just wanted to make my life work.
I have sometimes compared having add to having an amputation. People with amputations have an enormously difficult hurdle to overcome, but they can learn to walk or even run on a posthetic, etc.
If the diagnosing psychologists can't help you, why not bring your diagnosis to a counselor or coach. There are people who make a living coaching people with add, and I'm sure they'd like the business.
[QUOTE=taritac] Asshole, I already AM trying harder and getting no results!
[/QUOTE]
Ok, here is my advice: *rolls up sleeves*
All of my life people gave me advice and told me what to do -- and I tried it their way and failed. It wasn't my ADHD that made me fail, it was trying to do things their way that made me fail.
Don't try harder, it doesn't work. Try is something different instead. I instinctively know what will work and what won't for ME. Things that work are usually very ... well... odd. No one would ever have advised me to quit balancing my check book - but dang it, that is what worked!
Diagnosis means all that advice was, in fact, crap for somebody with ADHD. There is great freedom in it sometimes.
taritac,
"adrift at sea", know the feeling. Sympathy and understanding go a looong way sometimes. Some people don't understand and I guess that's why they don't sympathise. It can really , REALLY hurt.
Did this Dr. give you any recomendations as far as any kind of therapy, books to read, meds.?
I don't know why any psycologist would bother evaluating a person to rule out a particular condition when they have no recomendations on how to treat that condition eccept to "learn to live with it" 
Maybe you need to give her a good book on ADHD to help her understand it better, LOL.
Why don't you get a second opinion by someone who has experience with ADHD. I wouldn't go back to that Dr.
And maybe your friend should read up on ADHD before agreeing with a Dr. that seems to know nothing about it!
Rayray - take that down a notch and give yourself 40 whacks with a wet noodle for me will ya?
Boy that whole thing with actual psychs saying basically suck it up - it burns me inside big time.
I wonder if they'd take that stand if it were a woman with chronic back pain? They won't die from it - and if they learn to tolerate it they may even have the ability to keep a mundane easy job and keep some time for hubby and kids if they aren't screaming in pain. Sure they can. But would anyone actually tell them they need to just learn to live with it?
A person with ADHD DESERVES to do better than just exist. I have to wonder if a man came in with erectile dysfunction which of the following would happen? A) They say he'll never die from it - and if he takes up hobbies and learns to live without sex he'll be fine. B) prescribe viagra/cialis and get him into sex therapy.
You have a disorder that doesn't kill - but destroys. Your life could be so much richer!!
Get another opinion. And another if need be. Belive me like lawyers there is no end to psychiatrists. Their cups runneth over.
And you have my sympathy. I get that attitude sometimes and am just glad I found the best MD and psych right away. You can have what I have too.
Sometimes I want to avoid the issue of how differently I think all together because I don't want any acceptions made for me, I kinda feel like if I can't do it, then I really am worthless, so I have to be able to make changes myself. But I know this doesn't work a lot of the time, only when I find those things that really work for me, does any one else feel like covering it up so no one can think you're trying to make excuses?
"Our culture worships individuality, but doesn't tolerate it."
hey, i thought i said that in a post on another thread.
did i get that from somewhere else?
maybe i don't ever have an original thought.
bummer.
btw taritac-
people think they're being so helpful when they give advice.
it doesn't seem to matter how simple or basic it is either.
"i just need to put some effort into it?" i guess struggling to the point of physical , mental and emotional exhaustion for the last 35 yrs. doesn't count as effort?
"calendar, day planner?" hey buddy, i could fill up your whole f**kin' house with the lists, planners, and calendars i've started , or lost!
"everybody struggles with their responsibilities." yeah? well what percentage of 'everybody' feels hopeless because all attempts at getting by, or having any success at anything end up in failure, with more obstacles after each failure?
how many of 'everybody' lives with a brain that they sometimes control, but more frequently are just along for the ride?
i think maybe this is why i won't go to the doc or a psychiatrist and try to get medicated, or other help. they have no compassion, no understanding, and LOVE to feel superior.
me- "gee, doc, i have a flat tire, and i can't get anywhere."
dr.- "well, all you need to do is put some air in it."
me- well, doc, i tried that a bunch of times. but there is a hole in the tire, and it leaks out too fast."
dr.- i'm going to prescribe you this can of air. i want you to put this in your tire twice a day. if it doesn't work, we'll adjust the prescription. don't worry if you don't see results right away. this may take a few weeks to start working."
me- "let me get this straight. i'm supposed to put this air in a tire that doesn't hold air, for several weeks, so i can see if it fixes the tire? well doc, no offense, but i need to get going now. i need to fix the tire, so that it will hold air. thanks a lot. i'm so glad to give my money to an 'expert' to get told to spend more money on something that doesn't work, which is how i ended up here in the first place."
dr.- "next!"
[quote]"everybody struggles with their responsibilities." yeah? well what percentage of 'everybody' feels hopeless because all attempts at getting by, or having any success at anything end up in failure, with more obstacles after each failure?[/quote]
seeker63, that's exactly how it is! That's why we come here: someone understands.
In the last several years, even before I knew how profoundly ADD affected me, I realized like Reisa that I have to find strategies THAT WORK FOR ME. I have had to let go of feeling guilty or like a loser or irresponsible when life doesn't work out for me. I stopped feeling terrible and stupid for being late all the time. At some point I realized that I WASN'T DOING IT ON PURPOSE and that all my efforts for being on time FAIL, not because I'm doing something wrong, but because my brain works differently than others!
Of course, making employers understand that they should celebrate those rare occasions when I'm on time, instead of punishing me the 90% of the time that I'm late, has been an effort in futility. Bleh.
taritac38767.456712963I could never see myself asking a friend to call to wake me or asking an employer to help me organize a task. By doing something like this are we taking responsibility or are we foisting our problems on someone else?
Most employers I've had have a "sink or swim" mentality, and getting help on something simple like organizing a task would make them think that I can't do the job. In fact, I've seen it happen to a former co-worker who had ADD. He'd demand from our boss lots of help getting organized, prioritizing projects, and getting direction. He got his work done, but our boss had zero respect for him. He was too needy for our boss's taste, and in spite of 7 years in his position, he was repeatedly turned down for promotion.
I've actually asked friends to call me before, and they maybe do it one day, but it soon lapses. I can't imagine that any of my friends have the time to stop what they are doing to call me at a certain time of day.
I guess it goes back to what works for you, like you said. If you are able to get friends and employers to help you out, more power to you. In my experience, it ain't happenin'!
Well the co-worker who called me had ADHD too - she worked an earlier shift, so it wasn't a big deal for her to put a post it on her office phone and call me. She did quit calling after a couple of weeks when I was on time. I manage to stay on track for a couple months then... oops late is a problem again, find someone else to call me for a week or two. It isn't an all the time thing, for sure.
And as far as asking the boss - my job duties don't change very often. It isn't high maintenence to ask him to make sure I fully understand a new piece that comes into play. The reason for asking is so that I can be low maintenence - and in the long run, he won't be having to deal with my mess ups. For smaller stuff, I just ask a coworker over the cubicle wall, "how to you keep track of blah blah?" They tell me, and usually ask me a computer question over the cubicle as well.
And it depends on whether your boss is competent. Doesn't do any good to ask someone who doesn't know. However, if they are competent, there is a way to ask questions in a flattering light. "I am sure there is a mor efficient way to organize this task, what is your thought process when organizing a project?" gets better results than, "I am an igit, please help me." you do get the same answer - but the first way also gets you brownie points.
I heard it on the radio , they are obviously just copying YOU!!![QUOTE=seeker63]
"Our culture worships individuality, but doesn't tolerate it."
hey, i thought i said that in a post on another thread.
did i get that from somewhere else?
maybe i don't ever have an original thought.
bummer.
dr.- "next!"
[/QUOTE]
Let me add to this very good story.
dr.- "Please address your outstanding balance on the way out, and update your insurance information. I have a house payment on the 15th, so it is a medical neccessity I see you on the 12th. Next!"
[QUOTE=GlenW]
A person with ADHD DESERVES to do better than just exist.
[/QUOTE]If you have cash or good insurance, otherwise the general consensus is still murky here in the land of the brave.
For me, it isn't about exceptions or excuses. ADHD is the reason for 85% of the things I mess up. Waiting until after I have messed up is not the time to bring up my ADHD. It just sounds like an excuse no matter what the reason is. Instead, I try to recognize situations where my ADHD causes problems, and take the initiative before my ADHD becomes a problem. It is not an excuse, because I am taking responsibility. For example:
I really struggle with being on time for work. It is unacceptable to be late for work. I don't use my ADHD as an excuse, or expect my boss to accept my lateness. So I ask a friend to call me and make sure I get out the door on time. My ADHD is the reason that I need someone to help me be on time. (And I buy my friend lunch on fridays or whatever.)
I really stink at basic organizational skills. Whenever I have difficulty organizing something, I go to my boss and say, "I know this is really simple, but I have a lot of trouble with organizing and proritizing. Could you sit down with me and teach me how to organize this task? (It may be simple to you, but it is rocket science to me.)" I don't expect my coworkers to organize it for me, I don't expect my boss to let it slide. I am responsible for my work, and my ADHD is the reason that I need to sit down with someone for additional training/mentoring/run-it-by-someone.
Reisa38769.8201157407what radio show?
maybe i have been absorbing and not conscious of it.
Reisa, that's a good way of thinking, prevention is certainly better than making excuses, and that way, exceptions don't have to be made for you, you just find something to help you function how you need too!