Any Marital Issues Because Of ADHD Stress | ADHD Information

My husband and i had a fight just last night. It is usually the same. He beleives that our son just needs to try harder. My husband has adhd and was even dx as a child but his mom refused to medicate. He said if he could do it then so can our son. His reasoning is that this world we live in will not usually cater to his disability so my son is the one who has to do more. In a way i see his point, butmy heart breaks for our son and the struggles that he faces. Hang in there and if you beleive in prayer there is a book the power of a praying parent that actually has prayer to pray about your childs mind and any probems he/she has with it. I just started reading it yesterday but i will pray it everyday if that is what it takes.[QUOTE=MissouriMommy]

[QUOTE=kristyolk]I have problems as well but I tend to repress them. I get so mad at how he treats my son all the time. I hate that I can see actual favortism from mine for my daughter. I can't get him to do the things I need him to do for structure. So yes it does cause problems for us. I get so burned out but know I need to be there all the time to make sure that poor Andrew is not singled out regardless of the situation.[/QUOTE]

Wow, how familiar does this sound for me! I think a lot of my anger comes in because my youngest son is favored by my husband and his parents. My husband and I have constant fights because his parents are always asking to take my youngest places. Their excuse for not taking my oldest son is that he won't behave. Although the one or two times that they took him anywhere I got a good report. So now I've put my foot down and forbid them to take the youngest anywhere unless his brother is invited. I feel like I spend a lot of energy defending Tyler. Me against the world.

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I hear ya sisters!!

The ONLY thing that my dh and I argue about is our dear boy. We are slowly getting on the same page and it is making a big difference. It has been hard work and persistence that is finally paying off. We really could have done with counselling but there was fat chance of getting my hubby there. I would definitely recommend counselling.

Hang in there and stay true to what you feel is right.

Hi;

Yes, my husband & I always fight about his son (my stepson) age 13. He won't do ANY disciplining at all, so I always look like the "evil step-mom! That is all we fight about, nad because we also have conduct disorder, LD's and a whole slew of other things, life is very difficult raising this child. I keep looking at it as being a sentence for 5 more years...I know that sounds bad, but hey, as long as we're trying, that's the best we can do!

I'm afraid that the stress of the problems with my son is putting my marriage in jeopardy. My husband and I hardly fight about anything else except issues involving my son and how to handle him, get help for him etc. Virtually anything having to do with my son begins a fight between my husband and myself...anyone out there in the same boat??

Carla
I have problems as well but I tend to repress them. I get so mad at how he treats my son all the time. I hate that I can see actual favortism from mine for my daughter. I can't get him to do the things I need him to do for structure. So yes it does cause problems for us. I get so burned out but know I need to be there all the time to make sure that poor Andrew is not singled out regardless of the situation. Sounds like you need to make time to be alone together, and not talk about the children. My husband and I just started being able to get time alone together (because my oldest daughter just turned 13 and all our family is in Michigan). But just being able to spend a couple of hours together without stressing has helped us. A little time to focus on each other. I read that alot of parents of ADAH kids end up divorced so it is something you have to want to work at. Sometimes you have to let the argument go and remember that your love is more important. Good luck

You are not alone, I too feel the stress. Hang in there, things will get better.

I have had marital issues. A lot have to do with how to deal with my son. I do not know who is right most of the time, but I do the best I can. I have a hard time finding a babysitter I trust, so we get time a lone once or twice a year. My mom lives nearby but our schedules are not compatible. Same with my mother in law. I guess I am also very picky when it comes to babysitters.

Big problems and stress, until he learned to think my way about how to deal with ADHD children. Once we agreed to a certain extent how to deal with him, it got much better. We still on occasion disagree, but I still wear the pants regarding raising the children. I now accept that there will be differences because of our expectations and tolerance level. I'm more tolerant because I'm with the kids more. If I don't have a problem with it, then its hard to support him in his parenting skills. It may help to have him join you in a parenting coarse, or have a marriage counsellor help you sort it out. A 3rd party sometimes makes a huge difference in how the husband looks at parenting. Get some time away together, even for a few hours-no kid talk. It helps a great deal. No matter what its a real challenge. My biggest mistakes in regard to parenting were when I listened to him (my hubbie).

Mother knows best, well most of the time anyways.

yes too. Hubby has no clue the cost of raising kids let a lone with special needs. He works 12-16 hrs days which put most parenting to me. RN

yes. but it has almost been a year & he is starting to understand now.I so relate to so many! I am the "evil step-mom" To the point that ADHD step-son told his dad "why is she always the boss". In other words, although dad cared and did put him on meds, he ignored a lot. Now that I am here ( ayear now) he has let it all go to me, which includes handling the school (which husband believes is picking on his son, but I am a BAC unit, special ed teacher and I know better!) Husband is slowly coming around, but believes that his son just doesn't try hard enough.
I am at my wits end and we do not agree how to handle the situation. I am at the point that I will have to step out of the parenting role with my step-son or end this marriage.
Too much responsibility has been placed on me and either we fight or he fights with his son for "causing her so much grief". That tells his son that his behavior is only wrong because it causes me grief, which starts an entire new set of arguments.
I'm tired, worn out and over stressed!

Hi Amylee

Your post could have been mine 2-3 years ago. My husband also looked upon our son's behaviour as deliberate and overeact to alot of situations, causing unnecessary escalation and family turmoil. It is heartbreaking when you see your son being misunderstood and unfairly treated by his father, who has made no effort to gain a better understanding of the disorder.

I have been determined all along to stand by my son, despite my husband telling me I am overprotective. My response to that is, I wouldn't have to be overprotective if he would lay off! After many arguments and much heartache, I have gotten through to him and things have improved greatly. I have found better ways to communicate with my husband that doesn't make him feel like I am telling him he is a bad father. We can now back each other up on disciplining our son (most of the time ).

Things are far from perfect, but my husband and son have a much better relationship now. I know how you feel Amylee but hang in there and keep working at it. Just wanted to let you know that things can get better.

Thank you very much somuchwiser. It is good to receive encouragement and to know that it can get better.

Despite my husband being reluctant to talk about it, I will wait until there is not too much on his plate (and our son is out) and ask if I can sit and talk with him. I am sure he will. Then I must put all my energy and focus on not becoming argumentative or defensive. I do sometimes feel that I may never get through to him but I certainly have to try!

Thanks so much for your support.

Yes, my husband and I used to argue concerning the disciplining of our son with ODD. I was the disciplinarian, and my husband the softie, until he wound up on the receiving end of one of our sons tirades! Then, he understood totally what I had been trying to explain to him. We have been on the same page ever since.The stress became so much for us, that I started seing DS's therapist just for myself. WOW what a difference. He gave me great stratagies for handling the prblems that were occuring around the house, which in turn helped reduce my stress greatly. I highly recommend talking to someone other then a friend that can give you an ear & help at the same time. I think a better question is, "Do men ever 'get it?'" Seems like men tend to say, "He can control it" or "he better learn to control it." I think it's even worse if it's a stepparent. With my hub, after we married, we agreed that me and ex would discipline the kids. After he took himself out of the disciplining, things really smoothed over here. [QUOTE=MissouriMommy]I'm afraid that the stress of the problems with my son is putting my marriage in jeopardy. My husband and I hardly fight about anything else except issues involving my son and how to handle him, get help for him etc. Virtually anything having to do with my son begins a fight between my husband and myself...anyone out there in the same boat??

Carla
[/QUOTE I understand what you are going through. I have found that alot of fthers have a really hard time dealing with sons having ADHD. It took a long time for my husband to see that medicine was necessary. I have a 4 year old who has been diagnosewd with ADHD and sensory integration disorder. Every day seems to be a high mountain to climb with no light at the top.[QUOTE=MissouriMommy]I'm afraid that the stress of the problems with my son is putting my marriage in jeopardy. My husband and I hardly fight about anything else except issues involving my son and how to handle him, get help for him etc. Virtually anything having to do with my son begins a fight between my husband and myself...anyone out there in the same boat??

Carla
[/QUOTE] Hi, I'm new here and so glad to see already that I have good company. My 14 year old daugther has been diagnosed with moderate ADHD (predominantly inattentive) and my 9 year old some has been diagnosed with mild ADHD. I've been arguing ADHD with my husband since my daughter was 6. I've worked with special ed kids and suspected early on that she had issues that went beyond being lazy and defiant. The arguments nearly cost me my marriage as she hit middle school. She's a bright kid and learns to compensate a little every year. With a struggle, she keeps her grades up but the stress and chaos that she lives with breaks my heart. My husband just doesn't get it. He thinks that b/c she can keep her life together SOME of the time, she should be able to do it ALL of the time. After many arguments he agreed to have her evaluated when she was 10 but the doc said her TOVA was within normal limits. When she was 12, more problems and more arguments led to a second eval and a diagnosis of moderate ADHD. Now he doesn't trust either eval since the results differ so much...so he wouldn't agree to meds. I had to disconnect for a while....got a job that kept me out of the house during homework time. Things got much worse for a while and I nearly called a lawyer. We hit bottom and started to communicate again and he's finally starting to listen, if only for the fact he knows it's important to me. Also, my daughter is old enough now to advocate for herself. She told her father last week that she wants another eval and she wants to try some medication, to see if it makes a difference in her life. We have an appt next week. If things go well for her, I may actually have some hope of convincing him to treat my son as well

My husband and I fought like cats and dogs over our now 7 year old son. We have been dealing with ADHD for almost 4 years now and things couldn't be better. I think that you have to remember why you fell in love and had children anyway. No one said that it would be easy. I never believed that it would be hard, until I got married. Take time away for just the 2 of you. Go on a weekend getaway. They can be wonderful.

I always hated the fact that we did nothing as a family, because our child was so hard to handle. Now we go to the park or rollerskating. Our children love this and it allows them to use all of their energy. We just sit back and enjoy what we have together and enjoy seeing the kids so happy.

Hang in there, it can be good. Best of luck!

God i thought i was alone in thinking that, we only used to argue about putting who's turn it was to out kettle but the last 2yrs have been hell, with us both thinking of splitting up because of the pressures our 15yr old son brings, he was only diagnosed last May after a long battle. But as he's got older his adhd has got really bad. I've even got to the stage of wanting him out for the sake of 4yr old daugther, it seems a constant battle.

It doesn't that my husband has a long term illness due to cancer treatment and is constantly in pain leaving him with a short fuse sometimes. But when my son is out its heaven!!!

pullingouthair38791.2567476852Just got off the phone with DH after he drove morning carpool. "Did he take his meds? He needs to learn how to control himself. You need to quit making excuses for him." This is what we fight about. He believes our son can control his behavior. That I need to be harder on him. My dh doesn't read any of the books, doesn't go to the therapist, go online. I'm not a doctor. Why is this all put in my lap? He doesn't believe diet has anything to do with his issues. This is my first post here....Hello![QUOTE=pullingouthair]

It doesn't that my husband has a long term illness due to cancer treatment and is constantly in pain leaving him with a short fuse sometimes. But when my son is out its heaven!!!

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I may get raked over the coals for posting this...but... you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling the need to protect your 4yr old daughter. In my opinion you should do whatever is necessary to protect her if you think she may be harmed by the older son. Especially if you're left to handle all of this on your own. Maybe if you told his psychiatrist that you feared for your youngest daughter's life, he/she could offer some alternatives. Good Luck!

Yes, my husband and I argue all the time about our son! He is less understanding, and less patient to begine with and may have adhd himself. He tends to yell at our son a lot, which only makes things worse, or he'll say something that just throws fuel into the fire! I get so mad and annoyed at him sometimes! It does help to get out alone once and a while. We also have a lot of stress in our life besides the adhd problem. It's funny we don't argue about much except our son. We have to keep working on it. We have worked very hard at our marriage, including some counseling, but it is often still rough. We will be married 10 yrs in june, so we must be doing something right. There have been times though when I thought we would get divorced. Try to hang in there, and I hope things get better for you.you and your hubby should plan a night out away from your child once a month. Or even 2 times a month. Agree before you get alone that the issues surrounding your child are NOT to be discussed at all for the entire duration (hard but possible). I would even suggest one of these "dates" be at home and your son be some where else (babysitters or family) so you can enjoy your house with out the stress. It does help!!!!! time at home with no issues is very good. My dh and I play games at least once a week. we don't talk about our ds no matter what! we play and laugh. I just cannot get him to turn off the tv at times, but we still play. I think that playing is important, you end up laughing and enjoying each other again. And you can even spice things up. We play all kinds of silly games (uno, cribbage and rummy, some times poker - all of which you can spice up the love life, too). hope this helps.Pullingouthair, I agree with MissouriMommy that you should not feel guilty about feeling the need to protect your 4 year old daughter. I have a 17 year old son with ODD who has many anger management problems. He is jealous of his younger siblings for some reason. I have seen my younger children's fear in the past when he has been on one of his tirades. Now, his 14 year old brother is much larger and stronger than he is, so he leaves him alone. However, we worry a great deal about our 8 year old daughter who is terrified of him. We have tried to get something done about him in the past after several of his episodes. However, it is very difficult to to get anything done until the child actually does something physically to another family member. Then it is too late. I agree, it is much quiter and less stressful at our house at times when he is gone. Therefore, when he was old enough, we requested that he get a job if he wanted a car and spending money. We've also encouraged him to involve himself in as many extracurricular activities as possible. This keeps him out of the house (where the rest of us can relax), and he is involved in constructive activities. We also have some idea at these times where he is, so that we don't have to worry about what he is doing in the community (that is not to say that his temper has never gotten him into trouble at work or school-related activities). The car has also been a great tool to get him to behave. If he does something bad enough, he loses the keys. His taking respirdal has also helped somewhat. We are just hanging in there for the next 5 months, and hoping nothing bad happens during this time. Then he will turn 18. We have already told him that he will be moving out at that time. Good luck with your son!This so true for our house can be a battle ground too but in the evening we talk to be on the same page. I am also dealing with I am almost 100% positive my husband has ADD himself and I have been trying to get him to see the doctor for over a year now. The positive he actually came home with a referal for a psychologist so we are in the right direction. My husband has no patience for our daughter which is part of the problem as well.

[QUOTE=pullingouthair]! We discovered the other week that he wasn't swallowing his tablets we've watched him like a hawk this week and already there is an improvement. It doesn't help matters when says he hasn't got adhd so why should he take tablets, he can't see that they do help him.[/QUOTE]

You say you see an improvement, where? If you could video tape or record the difference for him to see himself medicated & not medicated, perhaps he will begin to understand. Have you tried a therapist for you & him? This would really help. Perhaps his disruptive behavior is due to him not liking himself. A good therapist can be a relationship savior.

I understand how hard our ADHD children are to live with. There are many days I love mine, but do not like him. I feel my relationship with DH has suffered from this, but good family coping skills are priceless. Good luck.

Changed my mind about improvement in him

he's kicked off because he's been told he's not doing something !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We've been waiting over 6mth to see a therapist!!!!!

The way thing work over here he'll probably have left by the time he see one

Thanks for all your replies, it's great to have found somewhere i can have a moan about my problems with people in the same situation

My son has been out all day today, bliss!!!! We discovered the other week that he wasn't swallowing his tablets we've watched him like a hawk this week and already there is an improvement. It doesn't help matters when says he hasn't got adhd so why should he take tablets, he can't see that they do help him. Even though he takes tablets he is still unable to attend because of his disrupting attitude. I don't think he will ever attend again so i'm hoping that one day he can cope and attend collage when he is older as he is only doing maths,english and science that he does when he goes to his Youth Inclusion Programme. The only problem with this programme is that he is the only one with ad the others are just badly behaved kids.

We've been married 17yrs this year , we had a good talk last night and we are still in love. we'll just ave to grin and bare it until our son leaves home which hopefully won't be when he's 20!!!!!!!!!!

pullingouthair38792.5582060185

Jillette, doesn't it seem ironic that spouses with the same condition have less patience with their ADHD children?? My DH has ADD and some of the social and hyperfocus symptoms of AS and requires a lot of flexability to work with (has to be allowed to do things when he's ready, how he wants to, etc or it won't get done) but cannot allow our DS a couple extra minutes for a task without blowing his top.

After 8 years of marriage, DH started trying meds. Unfortunately he trialed Strattera first and was *alergic* to it - he broke out in hives. We've moved on to wellbutrin now. Best of luck to you and everyone else.

My husband can relate to my kids because their him all over again, and I lived with adhd and add because of my sister and cousin who know's I might have it. but are marriage is doing good....I'm not saying our marriage is perfect because it's not but when it comes to the kids we chose to have them and we need to love them unconditionally no matter what problems they have....before we go to sleep we talk about what went on during the day so that we can get things out in the open.

I am so relieved to find this thread. I felt I was reading about my own marriage and 8 year old son. I feel alone so often and I feel as though NOBODY understands (least of all my husband) so it was encouraging to read of so many others having the same difficulty.

My husband sort of accepts my son's ADHD and even acceded to medication (though he keeps it quiet, as if he's ashamed) but this is where it ends. He does not believe that my son taking 45 minutes to get dressed for school is because of ADHD, he believes it is my son just being slow. He does not believe that when he leaves for school and it takes my son 10 minutes to get to the car, that it is ADHD, he believes my son is just plain stupid for not remembering what happened yesterday when he took too long to get to the car. He does not believe when he has to repeat a command or instruction over and over that is ADHD, he believes the child should simply remember - it's as easy as that.

I love my husband with my life. But his refusal to accept some behavioural issues ARE because of ADHD is wearing me down. He also refuses therapy. will not read about it and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it when I try. He is very hard on my son and tends to break him down sometimes. That just about finishes me! I am left to try and re-build my son's battered self esteem and that isn't very easy to do since my own is in tatters. I sometimes feel that my son does not try because he has been made to believe that he won't get it right anyway.

I am so tired and weary. Thanks for letting me talk.

Hi Amylee, I hope your feeling a bit better today.

I can understand how depressed you get at times as I often find myself wanting a good cry, not that I get much chance too as I feel that most of the time you have to walk round wearing this mask. But when i'm online my eyes often just well up because I realise i'm so not alone in my struggles with my son and family issues.

THANK GOD FOR THIS SITE

[QUOTE=OlderMom]I think a better question is, "Do men ever 'get it?'" Seems like men tend to say, "He can control it" or "he better learn to control it." I think it's even worse if it's a stepparent. With my hub, after we married, we agreed that me and ex would discipline the kids. After he took himself out of the disciplining, things really smoothed over here. [/QUOTE] how is it tht you are so intuitive? You really amaze me. I think God put you in this forum!I've got the same problem, just turned around. I am strict with my son and my dh always wants to give him a pass on his behavior. I don't think he "should be able to control it," buy I do think he needs to learn there are consequences for his behavior. I try to set up structure and routine and dh says "aw, c'mon, let him watch tv for a little while." If I'm out in the evening, I'll come home at 10 pm and ds is still up watching tv or playing computer games. And it's not even good tv!! Sunday nite I came home from a meeting at church at 9:45 to find both of them watching a reality show on tlc about grossly obese people! This kid has a hard enough time getting to sleep, and watching tv before bed just seems to make it worse. One of his favorite lines is "either he has ADD or he doesn't, you can't have it both ways." (dh fought the dx of ADD) I'm looking toward the day when he'll have to go to college or hold down a job. Nobody's going to be there to tell him to do stuff and nobody's going to be there to pick up the pieces when he doesn't. God, the last thing I want is a 26 yo kid living at home!!!!!