AD(H)D and Divorce | ADHD Information
Divorce all over is way too high. Nobody wants to actually work at it!!
I never got divorced - you'd actually have to fake being normal long enough to get someone to say "yes". I proposed once - then I got better and took it back. Still felt like a heel though it was the right thing to do. I know it was because it hurt like someone using a bone saw on me.
If you count breakups in an LTR towards divorce then I'd have been divorced about 3 times with countless separations. It was as expensive and I got kicked out of my own home by exgf's "friends" into the cold night with nowhere to go twice. So I can relate.
Will I get married someday? Not unless I saw that trust and dedication to it by me and her could happen. At this point I'll be happy to get where I just get the trust back - now that I have my faculties it's many times burnt and all that.
If not a slave to house and home, children you have would still need support which you couldn't deny, bills would still be paid for the household, utilities would still be required in the home, and someone would still need to have car insurance, payments, upkeep,etc,. Not to say you've made a mistake, but if you can earn more for less work and the accomidations can be made, perhaps you should 'trade places' with hubby. You receive the beer after work and he loads the dishwasher
. Every relationship is unique , and if you've been with him for 13 years,reassess your assets and find a way to be happy with the fact that romance doesen't last, but friends are lifelong, and if you have even a little of both , you are truly blessed in a relationship!as much as i would love to leave my dh, I also realize that the grasss is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
to tell the truth I didn't want to get married in the first place, now 13 years later, i am doing exactly what I didn't want to be doing a slave to the house and family.
I know thi sounds harsh, but everytime i think of all the decisions I have made to get here and I wish I would have made different decsions on two accounts. but this is my path i will make the best of it.
I love the mom part though...
I'm Adhd, but my husband is not. I'm not organized, and he is. I think we get along because he knows I am not like him, and it is still O.K.
My parents, I feel, are both Adhd. They bicker and fight constantly because it is so stimulating.
Koko38779.541875
I've read several times over the past several years that we AD(H)Ders have a higher rate of divorce. Just curious what our rate is here. 
Here's a little info. I got from about.com:
"In a USA Today report in 1999, Karen S. Peterson noted that the availability of detailed marriage statistics quietly came to a halt in 1996. The effects of this decision are still being felt by social scientists."
I read elsewhere that the divorce rate in the U.S. is estimated at "about" 50%.
What is the national rate of divorce? It looks like we have a ratio of 2 to 1, two divorces for every one still-married person on here. Is that the national average? twice as many divorces as married-never-been divorced people?
So far, it looks like roughly the national average. well thanks kaks. i am quite happy as it goes (not sure why because my life is a complete mess - but i tend to be happy as a rule) just extremely chary about marriage....
like extremely.
i'm not sure whether that is due to having only had direct experience of unhappy marriages or whether it is because i fear marriage as a likely unhappy experience or what? still we'll see - you never know.
I have never been marriaged even tho I've got the oppurtunity twice.
I want a marriage like my parents or granparents. Never divorced and even when they're old they showed love for eachother in different ways. Parents by huging and kissing and granparents by shakeing a sleeping grandma to ask "Are you still alive?"
My parents were toghether for 5years before getting engaged and then another 2years before getting marriaged and they are still together after over 30years. My older sister came when they had been married for 2years I think.
I think thats great cos then you have lived together during all seasons and really found out if you fit together even when the everydaylife takes over.
My sister found her bf -92, moved in together in -94, got engaged -95, marriaged -02, had a baby and bought a house in -04. Thats also great, they know where they have eachother, they have gone thru alot together already and know they can make it.
I have great rolemodels and for me, marriage is for life. At least thats my intention when/if I do get marriage :-)
/Kaks
Thank you chjones, I hope so too :-)
Just a bit sad you haven't been able to see the same as I have seen but I hope you also will be happy.
/Kaks
[QUOTE=Kaks]
I have great rolemodels and for me, marriage is for life. At least thats my intention when/if I do get marriage :-)
/Kaks
[/QUOTE]
hey that's great kaks. and i reckon it bodes real well for you too - at least you know what a happy marriage should look like! you're lucky... i have no idea at all. good luck, good luck i hope you find a great guy....
and why not?it's weird. perhaps the availability of divorce almost puts more pressure on the marriage?
i was just talking to an Indian friend and when she got married (an arranged marriage/the whole traditional similar, suitable backgrounds/astrological checks etc. etc.) - there is never the consideration of divorce and i notice that her having that mentality means she and her husband approach any difficulties in their marriage in a slightly different way to that of my Western friends who know they have the option of divorce.
(although the right to divorce is essential - no-one should be forced to stick in a loveless, miserable situation for sure.)
but it does give a different mentality to the situation --- if you KNOW that this is going to be for the rest of your life - that you don't really have an escape option, it forces you to address some situations head on, forces change and compromise and sorting it out between each other. rather than putting up with it until you can't bear it anymore and saying "i want out"! if you know you have to have another 60 years of this, barring smashing him/her on the head with a frying pan - then it kinda forces the issue....
perhaps it is just LUCK that makes a marriage work. maybe choosing well and really being sensible about whether you have similar goals/aims/expectations/desires to minimise conflict? and both choosing to put the other before oneself at some level and specifically a strong ethical, moral streak and a whack load of generosity of spirit and hard work and not getting lazy - thinking that love will carry you through it all. it seems love can be corrupted and destroyed through selfish, lazy behaviour and that it can grow and be nourished by the opposite... and on top of that - a sex-life that works, a physical compatibility that gives you something to fall back on when all else fails!?!!
i guess it either works or it doesn't - simple like that.
and respect and trust and oh well, it can't be that hard/bad or nobody'd get married. i am pretty convinced that i don't have the requisite generosity of spirit or courage to be a good wife - and i don't think it would come naturally to me so i would need both - and ADHD probably makes it slightly harder too, the immaturity, distractability, difficulty in getting things done etc. etc. just seems likely to lead to arguments and chaos and unhappiness.
but there is a history of divorce in my family. my parents/grandparents are all divorced. there is no good role model of a working marriage to follow - who knows how they work??? i expect it probably is one of the more important things in life to do - but.......... whatever!
all the unmarried women i know who are in their 50s/60s/70s seem a whack load happier than the married ones - that's all. full of life, still wanting to get out there and see things and travel and have fun with their friends and not full of bitterness and tired and worn out and destroyed and paranoid their husbands will leave them now they are beginning to get old....
marriage. marriage. marriage. what a weird concept. but as some old man said to me the other day: 'no wife - no life' and then added 'one wife - all life'. english wasn't his strong point but i thought it kinda sweet.
chjones38781.2354861111[QUOTE=GlenW]
Divorce all over is way too high. Nobody wants to actually work at it!!
[/QUOTE]
Oh Glen, I beg to differ! I've been divorced twice. The first one was for four years. He was diagnosed during his second marriage as a sociopath.. need I say more?!
The second one was for 15 years, which just ended. It should have ended 8 to 10 years ago but I kept trying... we got counseling through my church, and private marriage counselor. I couldn't let go of the "happily ever after". I tried VERY hard to keep it together..but it takes two.
I finally had to comes to grips with the fact that I was trying to protect the institution of marriage rather that my own heart, our love, and the psycological well being of my children as all of these things were severly damaged with no hope of repair. A marriage of convience is no way to live. It can slowly kill your very soul.
I know there are marriages like yours - but that kind of divorce is justified - and not the rule but rather the exception I believe.
Most people tend to consider marriage a convenience. One day they see another pretty lady/handsome man and they get some attention. Then they say it's done. So fast and so without forethought.
A loveless marriage can be horrible - just like a loveless anything! But there was a time in history when marriage was never about love but about building alliances in families, in making babies and in staying alive actually. Then you learned to love or at least tolerate the other. Can't people remember some of that skill?
I see the bad ones - but the reason they stick out is because most are just people get tired or frustrated and it's easy to drop. I mean why have 8 marriages? Obviously it's like dating to some - fall in love fall out of love what's the diff?
But that in no way decreases the pain you felt. That's real bp. Just not the way most "normal" - ahem - people seem to handle it.
Shoulda never gotten married.'twas a marriage of convenience.
an' I was a co-dependent idiot
I'm glad I'm divorced