How do you get people to understand? | ADHD Information
Another thought -
For me, it was really useful to know what was actually happening in my brain so that I could understand it. That is to know why I have a tendency to do x - not just that I do x because I have add - but to understand why Ido it at a more fundamental level. It was easier to compensate, to put into place better coping strategies, and to be more understanding of myself after I understood WHY I had a tendency to do certain things, beyond just a label of add that matched my symptoms.
I don't normally ask others to understand add. However, I do try to get them to accept/understand my way of coping (dealing with the world so that I can be a lttle more successful).
In a school setting, you can get accomodations by law. If you need these accomodations, I think I would probably seek my accomodations through the disability office and other official channels and let them be responsible for explaining it to your professors, etc. (if anyone needs to do so.)
I think that most people in a school setting would be more understanding if they had an official diagnosis, and an explanation from the disability office. Without this, it really can sound like an excuse.
Employment settings are different. They are usually not interested in this type of diversity nor in providing accomodations. I would try to have the add and coping mechanisms dealt with prior to entering an employment setting or practicum.
Heck, it was hard for me to understand ADD in my students and myself and I HAVE ADD, myself!! I think everyone needs to be educated about it, even us adders. If we are not educated about our own disability, then we are hard on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be able to do things that are just not a possiblity until we get treatment of some kind.
[QUOTE=tl_c]Wow, thanks for the advice and support.
She also wrote a recommendation for me to get into the program,
and she's serving as a reference for teaching assistanceships I'm applying
for. It sucks that my work as of late has been mediocre, at best.
[/QUOTE]
It's add, therefore you've had it your whole life. When she wrote the recommendation, you had the add and she saw something worth recommending. You aren't any different than you were then.
People with add do have deficits that we need to work around but each of us also has assets. Perhaps these assets are what she saw when she recommended you.
I think most others will assume that you are having problems that most people have until you are diagnosed.
Not everyone understands learning struggles. My husband doesn't it at all. My father either. Neither understands about haveing SPD either. I say what you say must be short and simple. This is for our son and me both. RNOldtimer, what is SPD?
Kaks, what you said made sense.
My parents both use the "that happens to everyone" argument, and neither one of them beleive that I am ADHD, probably because they are to some extent, but sometimes it's hard to articulate what really goes on in our heads, so then people are even less likely to understand, you'll get through this though, Tl_c, just keep working at it!
I think any person with any kind of chronic condition has struggled with not feeling understood. Because humans try to relate what you are saying to what they know.
Ie; "I'm so tired, I just want to sleep all the day" to a healthy person means "dang I'm tired". To someone with a chronic illness it means you literally can't drag yourself off the pillow.
So when you say I am disorganized, etc. people tend to relate it to their own experience, not an extreme condition.
All of you who are struggling in school or college, Godspeed and all good thoughts to you; you at least recognize you have a problem and are seeking answers which is half the battle. It is a rude awakening to reach mid-life and discover no one has told you a critical part of your own story (like my DH who found out this year at age 50). I think my daughter , who is struggling in college, will fare much better, just knowing what she is battling with and that it's not a character flaw, and find ways to cope (healthy hopefully).
What does the D in DH stand for? I've also seen DD and DS.
Thanks for asking that, TheDog. I've been wondering the same thing! [QUOTE=TheDog]
What does the D in DH stand for? I've also seen DD and DS.
[/QUOTE]
The D in things here like DH, DS, DD is either Darling or Dear. Dear Husband, Dear son, etc.
A term of endearment you could say.
One suggestion I have is to have your advisor read "driven to distraction" by Dr. Hallowell. It's a great primer for non-ADHDers to begin understanding exactly who we are and why we are the way we are.
Great first step. Got my mother straight on my life - and why I did what I did.
I couldn't even make my husband understand. And he's an MD.
[QUOTE=tl_c]Wow, thanks for the advice and support.
My adviser is also one of my profs, so I guess I just hate to disappoint
her.
I'm doing these weird things on purpose.
[/QUOTE]
we all hate to disappoint people and yet we end up doing it time and time again - and of course we don't do it on purpose! who would do it on purpose!!!!!!
take it easy on yourself - i think ADDers have a history of not accepting their failures well. i was talking to a Sudanese girl the other about her schooling and she was recounting how when she was about 10, she and three other girls had worked hard on a project they had to present to the class and as it was going on - she could tell from the teacher's face that they had done it wrong and she wasn't pleased with them... but she was the last to present --- and so at the end of her presentation, she put on a big smile and started clapping (and all the rest of the class joined in) and the teacher was slightly foxed at first but then started to smile and clap too.
as this girl said, she knew they had misunderstood the project but they had worked hard and she thought they deserved credit for it - so she was going to make sure that they got that credit!!!!!
i feel an ADDer in that situation would have just crumpled and then got the ten-minute lecture from the teacher about what a failure their project had been.
it's attitude.
don't beat
yourself up for crappy work - try your best to learn from it and
improve. if it takes you five years to finish a three year course
- and what? as long as you finish it. i think a lot of ADDers expect everything to come "like that" and get disillusioned far too fast and far too easily and drop out because they can't deal well with any form of failing or not being the best, as it's too painful - don't let that happen to you.... as Steven Spielberg said "perserverance is the key" and he should know right??????
good luck.
I'm definitely having failure issues now.
chjones gives good advice.
It's very hard for others to understand our issues. Their response is often, "well, everyone is late or disorganized sometimes. You just need to work harder!" I think it may be more effective to explain how our brain works that makes it difficult to just "work harder" at being on time and organized. It's harder for someone to respond with "everyone does that" if you talk about how your brain races on tangents when you are attempting to concentrate or how you are so "in your head" that you have no concept of time or how you act on impulse and have a hard time sitting down (or however your ADD/ADHD manifests). Everyone doesn't do that.
I've had many dificulties to explain my problems for friends and family but a week ago I found a good way of argue with the respons "But so does everyone"
Here we go with what I say:
Group 1 of ppl have a problem X and then you commonly say that "everone have that problem"
Group 2 of ppl have another problem Y and and then you commonly say that "everone have that problem"
Group 3 of ppl have yet another problem Q and and then you commonly say that "everone have that problem"
My problem is that I have all three problems X+Y+Q in the same person.
For example:
Group 1 are disorganized
Group 2 forget things
Group 3 are impulsive
I am disorganized, forget things AND are impulsive and thats why I got a diagnosis and why those things are issues for me that have to be handled in a different way. That's why I'm different from "everone".
Did anyone understand that? It sound so much better in swedish and in my head and when I gesticulate :-)
/Kaks
I don't know.
People understand what they want to understand. Sometimes they don't want to understand at all. perhaps this person takes your difficulties as a challenge to their advisor "skills?"
Just keep in mind that your own opinion of yourself can be just as wrong as anyone elses, but it is the one that matters.
I tell no one. I do argue with dolts about ADHD in general once in a while and I'm not the sort of cat to be dismissed by superficial impressions of dolts about things they otherwise know nothing about :-)
Well, I DO tell a girlfriend I have but only on foggy nights on the water.
At the college I go to I see an adviser in the Disability Services department. You won't be able to do that until you get your diagnosis though.
When you get diagnosed, have your Dr. write the diagnosis on a script and take it to Disability Services and you should be able to get all of your advising done there. That should solve your problem.
(people only understand what they want to understand. You could ask her if she would like you to provide her with some information on your disability to help her understand it better.)
bepatient38782.9436458333Why do you feel she needs to understand. Wow, thanks for the advice and support.My adviser is also one of my profs, so I guess I just hate to disappoint
her. She also wrote a recommendation for me to get into the program,
and she's serving as a reference for teaching assistanceships I'm applying
for. It sucks that my work as of late has been mediocre, at best. I guess
also that I've been really insecure about the ADD issues. I don't want
people to think I'm stupid or that I'm doing these weird things on
purpose.
Anyhow, I'm looking forward to using the LD/ADHD services on campus.
Though, I'm not going to get my hopes up too high for dramatic
academic improvement. I learned that from you guys in other topic
discussions. ; )
Thanks, again.
Maybe the foggy nights make it easier Resistance? I'll have to give that a go 
Tl-c I'm still trying to convice my parents that ADHD is a real disorder. I think I will take the advice of many others on here and stop trying to explain myself to other people.
[QUOTE=tl_c]How do you get people to understand that ADHD can actually be debilitating
and isn't a lifestyle choice?[/QUOTE]
well i am perfect walking example if you need one....
alternatively, you could probably go down to your local dole office and
pick out any number of unmedicated ADDled f**k-ups as an option to show
to her.and the main proof will be when your grades shoot up - your work improves dramatically, you become confident, out-going, living life to the full etc. etc. --- and by showing her that then, perhaps, she will understand and you will have made a convert to the cause! good luck.
So, I let my academic adviser know that I'm experiencing academic struggles
right now as I'm in the process of being tested for ADHD. I explained to her
that my inattention, reading comprehension, etc. issues are problematic and
debilitating and that my work can and will be better.
She sort of did the, "everyone goes through that" speech.
How do you get people to understand that ADHD can actually be debilitating
and isn't a lifestyle choice?
Getting someone to understand is complicated. Assuming someone wants to understand, I find that using terms they already understand works best and/or fastest.
When they say, "Everyone has that, or it happens to everyone":
Lots of people get low blood sugar if they don't eat, but they don't have diabetes.
Lots of people need glasses in order to see clearly, but they aren't blind.
Lots of people are late/disorganized/forgetful sometimes, but they don't have ADHD.
OR-
When they think, "You are intelligent, hardworking, and seemingly normal - you don't have ADHD."
Yes I am intelligent. How do you explain the huge number of dumb ass things I do? ADHD.
Yes, I am hardworking - I have to triple check everything I do. I work three times harder than most people, for the same result. ADHD.
Yes, I am normal - except for ADHD. In the 5 minutes that I have been sitting here explaining all of this to you, I have also planned my afternoon errands, daydreamed about this weekend, thought about your birthday and how it is going to suck when I don't remember it on the right day, taken a little mental vacation to the Amazon, remembered my favorite parts of the movie I saw last night, and made a mental grocery list. Sorry, where was I? ADHD.